I think I’m starving…I can’t eat well. No, it’s not that I’m “in love” or something; I just came from my dentist this morning to have the regular adjustment in my braces. When I went back home, I am ready to eat a hearty lunch, prepared my food got a spoon and fork, and ouch! I can’t even bite what I’m eating; I was forced to skip lunch. :( It’s a good thing my Mama prepared some soft food for dinner, I was able to eat but it seems that it’s getting longer before my stomach can digest the food since I practically was not able to chew it at all.



Nothing much significant happened today…ooopsss, wait meron naman pala. I got another hair cut. Wala lang, sawa na ko sa hair na layered kaya pina-pantay ko na. A friend also came back from an out of town trip.



D is unusually quiet; hmmm…she sent not even a single text message as of this minute. I guess the girls are all minding their own businesses. Still no word from Kermit :( I really miss the frog.

AFTER A WHILE...



You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.

And you begin to build all your roads on today for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.

You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong...

And you really do have worth...





AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"…



You want to hold a hand, not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.

You begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child, will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.

You want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold,

and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.

Then you'll see that there is such a thing as love...

And that you were made to live in someone else's garden...

And you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.



AND NOW...



You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you're meant to let go, you can

And then you will understand that love gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations

And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul, not only because of the sweet kisses

And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned, you feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you'd be

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world head on with or without an army behind you

Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor

With more heartbreaks you will cry

But after every heartache, you will rise

Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it beautiful.

But it's always worth the wait.

The rain is still pouring by the buckets; the strong wind still finds it’s own way through my window, into the blinds that create a sound that resembles the rustling of bamboo leaves. If not for the fact that most of the city is covered with flood and a whole province somewhere in Northern Luzon is about to be put in a state of calamity, I would have loved this setting.



Cookie finally made her presence felt. Maybe she’s just so busy, and like most of us, still doing official work though technically and officially, we’re all free from doing it. For me, that is the essence of service. Of course I can not speak for everyone, I am only writing my own view, my own belief, my own conviction, and if anyone dare to challenge me, I have my e-mail above!



The month is almost over. A few more weeks and I’ll be twenty-five. Yes, I’m looking forward to it. Last year’s birthday was not much as I wished it would be, having no choice but to stay at my sis’ place because of events that happened. For now, I guess anything that goes, just goes. I may even decide to take some hibernating period either somewhere away from everyone I know or locked up inside my room—whatever!

I forgot to mention Kermit in my last blog, but the frog never left my mind. I’ve thought about what Cookie told me the last time we talked, and I guess she’s right. I also talked with D about Kermit, and how things went, and how I feel. Being a friend to Kermit made me realize that I was really hurt the moment that he told me that he loved someone else. I realized that somehow, I fell in love with him. Don’t ask for reasons, I don’t have any; all I know is that I love Kermit. Now, I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I always miss Kermit, pero hindi siguro siya naniniwala.

Surprises…surprises…news are breaking into my ears and unfolding before my eyes. Admittedly, I love surprises, but I prefer ones that amaze me in a way that makes me ecstatic, not the ones that make dazed and feel taken aback.

So, just when someone decided to take an indefinite hibernating period, someone else suddenly showed up as if saying, “hey girl, I’m still alive!” Some things remain the same though; I’m still waiting for that big surprise!

At times I begin to think that I’m a quixotic dreamer. Who isn’t? Other times, it seems that life is just so pathetic the way it goes that I thought of packing things up and leaving everything behind. I don’t have much to leave behind anyway…see—it’s just so pathetic!

Sometimes, I don’t want to go to familiar places. Not that those places are bad or something, it just brings back memories that I wish to forget. Same thing goes for people.

Oftentimes, I feel that it’s inevitable to cry. Save for my periodic ramblings of thought either thru the keyboard or pen, letting out some tears is my only ultimate way of releasing all worries and pain. Of course friends are there, but I usually find it easier to write down everything that runs in my mind or just mutter it in between sobs. Learning to accept some realities in life is often hard and sometimes it even hurts; but that’s how life goes. That’s the only explanation I can give for now. I don’t really understand.

Malakas ang hangin, malamig, masarap sana matulog, pero hindi…hindi ako makatulog. I’m afraid of this (not the typhoon of course). After those long months, and after all the things that happened here am I still feeling more confused.



I am not certain that I like Kermit, I cannot say that I thoroughly know him, I cannot honestly say that I am ready for a relationship much more that there’s going to be anything like that between us. Might ask me what makes me stay on it despite all the confusions that he brought into my life. That’s exactly the point. Kermit came into my life like an intruder in the dawn—the dawn when I am half awake and half asleep, when the deep recesses of my subconscious is trying to figure out whether to wake up or sleep some more. As if in a deep trance, I left the comfort of my bed and followed, not truly sure of where we’re going. I was hesitant yet excited—this would be the first. I am not used to that, I don’t even know what to do or what to say. I am totally confused. I did some things that I wish I never did; I don’t know how to patch things up. And then there’s that day that I wished I were among the dead. I was hurt, I knew it but I don’t know which part of me…was it my ego or my heart? I don’t know; I’d like to know. I’ve thought about everything for quite a long time almost always wanting to cry and ask God, “of all the people, why me?” Obviously, this is not the way I want my first exploration to be. Maybe I was really wrong after all. I am only certain of three things—I never wanted to assume that he’s into it; I tried not to feel this way; now, I am confused. I always want to see Kermit but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way, why would he in the first place? He told me he loves someone else (as in, huh?!). But why bother to disturb me in my sober rest? I cried a lot of times. I guess he never did and will never know and never realize how he hurt me in such a way that I blamed my self for every tear that fell from my eyes because I let him to come into my life and allowed my self to feel this way.



But after all those things, why befriend him? Why even bother to contact him and even worst, meet him and go out with him? I will never find solitude in the midst of confusions. I will never be able to move on and go back to my old life happily without letting go of past hurts. I want to be certain of what I really feel. I will never be able to know if I shut him out of my life. For now, I need him. I need to come closer to him, just to know what I really feel.



For now we’re friends and if only talking about friendship, sincere naman ako. Who would know, one day I might realize na mas mabuti pala na friends kami. I just want to let go of all the confusions in my mind. Gradually, I’m learning to feel at ease with him, beginning to look at him as a buddy, sometimes as a Kuya and ask advice, and just like my girl pals whom I share sorts of stories and ideas. I am still not sure where everything is going, but I know I am no longer sailing this in a trance. If he’s not the one, then I’d be more than happy to have found in him a good friend. I just want to steer clear the haze of confusion in my mind. Gusto ko lang makatulog sa gabi greeting him gud nyt and I myself having one rather than taking a deep breath and saying to the wind “kung alam mo lang kung gaano kasakit yun…” as if the wind will blow it into his ears.



Ngayon, mas okay na. I am not saying that I’ve realized na di ko pala siya like. Maybe I did after all, but for what reason I don’t know. As the legendary Geribear said, “not all things can be rationalized.” What I’m saying is that I feel better now that I am learning to be his friend. If everything that happened before brought into me something good, it would be that I was able to add up a little more to my level of maturity. I guess after all, tama si Season when he told Cookie na not because a guy asked a girl out, he’s already professing love. For now, Kermit is a nice frog friend rather than a frog prince.