Malakas ang hangin, malamig, masarap sana matulog, pero hindi…hindi ako makatulog. I’m afraid of this (not the typhoon of course). After those long months, and after all the things that happened here am I still feeling more confused.



I am not certain that I like Kermit, I cannot say that I thoroughly know him, I cannot honestly say that I am ready for a relationship much more that there’s going to be anything like that between us. Might ask me what makes me stay on it despite all the confusions that he brought into my life. That’s exactly the point. Kermit came into my life like an intruder in the dawn—the dawn when I am half awake and half asleep, when the deep recesses of my subconscious is trying to figure out whether to wake up or sleep some more. As if in a deep trance, I left the comfort of my bed and followed, not truly sure of where we’re going. I was hesitant yet excited—this would be the first. I am not used to that, I don’t even know what to do or what to say. I am totally confused. I did some things that I wish I never did; I don’t know how to patch things up. And then there’s that day that I wished I were among the dead. I was hurt, I knew it but I don’t know which part of me…was it my ego or my heart? I don’t know; I’d like to know. I’ve thought about everything for quite a long time almost always wanting to cry and ask God, “of all the people, why me?” Obviously, this is not the way I want my first exploration to be. Maybe I was really wrong after all. I am only certain of three things—I never wanted to assume that he’s into it; I tried not to feel this way; now, I am confused. I always want to see Kermit but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way, why would he in the first place? He told me he loves someone else (as in, huh?!). But why bother to disturb me in my sober rest? I cried a lot of times. I guess he never did and will never know and never realize how he hurt me in such a way that I blamed my self for every tear that fell from my eyes because I let him to come into my life and allowed my self to feel this way.



But after all those things, why befriend him? Why even bother to contact him and even worst, meet him and go out with him? I will never find solitude in the midst of confusions. I will never be able to move on and go back to my old life happily without letting go of past hurts. I want to be certain of what I really feel. I will never be able to know if I shut him out of my life. For now, I need him. I need to come closer to him, just to know what I really feel.



For now we’re friends and if only talking about friendship, sincere naman ako. Who would know, one day I might realize na mas mabuti pala na friends kami. I just want to let go of all the confusions in my mind. Gradually, I’m learning to feel at ease with him, beginning to look at him as a buddy, sometimes as a Kuya and ask advice, and just like my girl pals whom I share sorts of stories and ideas. I am still not sure where everything is going, but I know I am no longer sailing this in a trance. If he’s not the one, then I’d be more than happy to have found in him a good friend. I just want to steer clear the haze of confusion in my mind. Gusto ko lang makatulog sa gabi greeting him gud nyt and I myself having one rather than taking a deep breath and saying to the wind “kung alam mo lang kung gaano kasakit yun…” as if the wind will blow it into his ears.



Ngayon, mas okay na. I am not saying that I’ve realized na di ko pala siya like. Maybe I did after all, but for what reason I don’t know. As the legendary Geribear said, “not all things can be rationalized.” What I’m saying is that I feel better now that I am learning to be his friend. If everything that happened before brought into me something good, it would be that I was able to add up a little more to my level of maturity. I guess after all, tama si Season when he told Cookie na not because a guy asked a girl out, he’s already professing love. For now, Kermit is a nice frog friend rather than a frog prince.