hindi ako magician

Nasa grade school pa lang ako, mahilig na akong sumulat. Hindi ko maaaring sabihin na mahusay ako dahil alam ko na maraming higit na mahusay sa akin, mga batikan at mga manunulat na kaliwa't-kanan ang natanggap na parangal sa kanilang mga akda. Sabihin na lang natin na libangan ko ang sumulat. 

Pinangarap ko dati ang maging manunulat para sa diyaryo pero dahil lumaki ako na mahiyaing bata ay hindi ko naman natupad ang pangarap kong iyon. Naisip ko kasi na hindi ako bagay maging reporter dahil mahiyain ako at marami akong kinatatakutan. Siguro dahil marami akong insecurities sa buhay noong bata ako. Hindi perfect at puno ng happy moments ang childhood ko pero dahil nakamove on naman na ako mula sa mga hinanakit ko sa tadhana at pagmamalupit ng mga batang bully sa buhay ko eh masayahin naman ako ngayon most of the time. Para sa akin, pagsubok lang lahat ang iyon at masaya ako na nalampasan ko na; hindi ako bitter sa mundo. Sa totoo lang, nakaka-awa rin minsan 'yun mga taong kahit may edad na eh parang hindi pa rin nakakamove on sa unhappy childhood at naghahasik pa rin ng bitterness sa earth sa pamamagitan ng pagiging negatron (nega-tron: a play on the words negative and megatron. Napulot ko lang ang term na ito kay Chairperson Toto Villareal ng MTRCB -- ayan may citation o acknowledgement ng source). Kapag nagdadasal ako, hinihiling ko kay Lord na tulungan silang makamove on para naman mabawasan ang mga nagpapasakit ng aking ulo at nagpapabilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Nakakabawas kasi ng energy at nakaka-istorbo sa produktibong pag-iisip ang mga negatrons. Oo, gusto ko 'yun pakiramdam na bumibilis ang pagtibok ng puso ko pero 'yun eh kung nakikita, nakaka-usap sa telepono o nagtetext/chat lang yun lalaking gusto ko; pero kung ang dahilan eh dahil sa negatrons, ibang usapan na 'yun!

Bakit nga ba ako nahilig sa pagsusulat? 

Una, dahil mahiyain akong bata, naging outlet ko ang pagsusulat para ilabas ang nilalaman ng aking puso at isipan. Hindi ako mahusay magsalita lalo na sa harap ng maraming tao kaya sa panulat ko naie-express ang saloobin ko.

Ikalawa, gusto kong ibahagi yun mga nalalaman ko sa ibang tao. Naniniwala ako na mas mapagyayaman mo ang kaalaman kung ibabahagi mo ito sa iba, lalo na sa paraan na maiintindihan nila. Ito siguro 'yun dahilan kung bakit ko ninais noon na maging reporter -- gusto ko 'yun ideya na "write to express not to impress" na natutunan ko sa guro ko sa pamamahayag nun grade six. Oo, kaya kong sakyan o sabayan 'yun mga sumusulat ng mga masalimuot na talata pero para sa akin, may mas mabigat na responsibilidad ang isang manunulat na sumusulat upang magbahagi (hindi magyabang) ng kaalaman. Hanga ako at mataas ang pagtingin ko sa mga taong kayang gawing simple at abot-alam ng karaniwang tao ang mga usapin. Dahil sa kanila, nabibigyan ng pagkakataon na makibahagi sa talakayan na may sapat na kaalaman ang mga Juana at Juan na payak man ang kaalaman o walang mataas na pinag-aralan ay may karapatan pa rin naman na makibahagi sa lipunan lalo na kung kinabukasan nila at mga anak nila ang pinag-uusapan.

Ikatlo, ayaw ko rin naman solohin ang mga kalokohan ko. Mayroon din naman akong sense of humor kaya sinusulat ko rin 'yun mga witty lines na naiisip ko na kung hindi man kapulutan ng aral eh baka sakaling maging dahilan ng pagtawa ng iba. 

Ayan, pumasa na ako sa rule of 3 dahil 3 na ang reasons ko. Bakit ko ba kasi sinusulat ito? Bigla na lang kasi nag-pop ang thought bubble ko kanina na ang sabi eh: "writer ako hindi magician!" Lalo naman hindi ako santa kahit semana santa na -- hindi ako gumagawa ng himala! Nabanggit na rin lang ang semana santa, dapat siguro itulog ko na muna ito bago pa ako magkasala...sorry po Lord at may naisip akong hindi mabuti para sa aking kapwa kanina. Work in progress naman po ako hindi ba? Help me na lang po, please...

moving on

Tomorrow marks the start of another change; moving on to another journey.

I am looking at this like going back to my first and second love, rolled into one. And although somehow I have reservations on the circumstances, I am facing this for now. Whether I will set the records straight later on or just accept this for now then move on again, I still don't know. For now, I want to focus on what is there for me and what I can do to make it work.

2015, be good, be great, make me more grateful than ever for the chances; braver, wiser and stronger than ever for the challenges; and crazier than ever to innovate and crave for more changes...thank you po and help me Lord!

thank you 2014; hello 2015

It’s that time of the year again, when most of us stay awake to bid the former year goodbye and welcome the new one with a bang (literally and figuratively). It’s that time of the year when fireworks, loud music, sumptuous meals, fruits and drinks abound. But then after all the merriment, after the last dinner plate is placed back to its shelf, after the canine pets finally find peace and calmness, I retreat to my hole and look back at the year that passed.

Toast for a blessed new year! Celebrating new year's eve with family at the roof deck. The moderate drizzle added coolness to the air and made us enjoy whatever fireworks managed to go up the air since taking photographs became an "at your own risk" for the gadgets..hehe..

If life is indeed what we make it, my 2014 was a year of harvesting, pruning and deciding what to plant next for my crop rotation scheme – that is, if I am a farmer wannabee like dear friend Mich (although I still insist that she has that natural farmer gene in her DNA). But hey, this is crazy girl writing typing while on the verge of falling asleep. Oh, yes take the last sentence as a sort of a disclaimer because somewhere in between that state of full consciousness and dreaminess, my mind begins to let out thoughts and words that bare my soul.

2014 was a frenzy ride through life with unexpected twists, turns, round-about, highs and lows. And while it is true that life is what we make it, I also believe that what we make out of life is a result of how we put our blessings and gifts to use. Then, I can humbly say that I have been blessed a lot in 2014 although being a work still in progress, I often go astray in the Spiritual department (that, I am not proud of). But still, I am grateful.

I am grateful for the moments shared with people I love. People who touched my life and made me feel that life is something to be enjoyed; that the hardships in it are there to make a better person out of me – I am still a work in progress anyway. Those who made me laugh and filled my heart with joy. Those who gave me their time or patiently held my hand, even for just a few seconds; thank you for selflessly giving me something that you can never get back.

I am grateful for the gift of acceptance and learning to completely let go of the past (read: efbf and the great love). Really, I am alright now.

I am grateful for the courage, strength and wisdom to keep on surviving from the challenges that the world throws my way. If material possessions, recognition and praises are the only indicators that I know of, 2014 was definitely a great year. But more than the words of praise and the shining trinkets, more than the shelf decors, the warm hugs and the pats on the back, more than anything that can be seen by the eye is the voice that tell me, “well done my child, you held on and now were done with that phase,” for from that springs the faith that I can make it through whatever is still left that bother me and dampen my spirit.

I am grateful for experiencing the year that was and the opportunity to face 2015 full of hope and the passion of living, learning and loving a life worth living.

My Current Playlist: Praise Classics Instrumental

I've had these tracks for the past 15 years and I must say that it has always been my comfort music whenever I need a break. Although I must admit that I do not even know the lyrics to some of these tracks (well, it's an instrumental CD), it just have an uplifting effect on me. Hearing this music soothes my soul and relaxes my mind and that is exactly what I need now.

Praise Classics Instrumental - Maranatha Music

rekindling the fire...I'm lost for now

I can't remember a time in my life when I've been this burnt out. I feel so tired, physically, emotionally, mentally. The thing is, I am not the usual pessimist. I consider myself as one who finds hope in the midst of the storm -- to -- like a river, just go with the flow, like a bamboo plant sway with the wind -- of obstacles and trials.

I usually find joy and satisfaction in diving into new projects; in satisfying my desire to learn by actually doing things.

I usually believe that life, despite the complexities in this world can be simple.

I usually trust that somewhere in the hearts of people, there is genuine kindness and compassion for their brethren.

But seems like the rose color of my glasses have faded for now. I feel so tired but it seems like I still fall short of what is expected of me. I try to keep cool, yep--they see me smile or play or laugh out loud or just act like a child but deep inside I feel so damn swamped with responsibilities impossible for a normal person to meet. This is not the life that I want. I am not asking for an easy life, but I do want a life. I feel so much burdened now, I can't help but cry. I feel so alone and frustrated over these things. I feel like I am not doing what am supposed to do.

Oh God, please..I need lots of strength, hope, wisdom and guidance. I don't think I can go on with this kind of life.

So Close

I'm so secure. You're here with me.
You stay the same.
Your love remains here in my heart.


So close I believe
You're holding me now, in Your hands I belong.
You'll never let me go;
So close I believe
You're holding me now in Your hands I belong,
You'll never let me go.


You gave Your life and Your endless love.
You set me free & show the way; now I am found


So close I believe
You're holding me now in Your hands I belong,
You'll never let me go.


All along You were beside me
even when I couldn't tell and through the years
You showed me more of You more of You


So close I believe
You're holding me now in Your hands I belong,
You'll never let me go.

Thank you for holding me close. I may not understand everything now but I believe that in due time, I will. What more can I ask for? More patience and a heart that follows Your will. Faith, hope and strength to go on. Yep, I still am a work in progress but let me find rest in knowing that You are in control of everything.

Thank you…

For the blessing of life;

For never leaving me even in the darkest moments of my life;

For holding me in your arms when the world seemed to cross theirs;

For not keeping me out of your sight and for always reaching out whenever I go astray;

For accepting me as I am while guarding me from going away from your sweet embrace;

For sending me people who make your powers and your presence so real;

For giving me my family; I do not have a perfect one but I am learning a lot from them – I’ve learned how to trust in you, to hope, to dream of better days, to accept my weaknesses, to believe in what I can do, and the list could go on and on;

For the gift of real joy after a moment of extreme loneliness;

For keeping me strong;

For the love, the joy, the peace within, for teaching me to be patient, for the knowledge and wisdom, for keeping my faith in you strong, for helping me become a better person, for every single blessing that You've showered me;

For allowing me to grow-up on my own while you patiently wait on me everyday;

For giving me life and another year to live.

I'm sorry...I need You...

Sometimes, disappointments make me think of just giving up and leaving everything.

But then again, in more sober moments I think of You and I feel ashamed realizing that in times of great trials, I tend to lose faith in You.

I’m sorry.

I need You in my life. 

Help me to see things beyond my worries.

 Remind me to fully trust in You.

Teach me to let go. 

 Allow me to find peace in Your loving embrace.

thank you . . .

for always being there

for being a friend

for being a teacher

for being good to me

for patiently waiting for me to grow up

for listening to all my rants and comforting me when i cry though i know that everytime i do that, i am breaking your heart

for teaching me the more important things in life

for not giving up on me

for being with me while i go through all these crap

for your comforting words

for loving me, despite everything . . .

are you for real? or..

are you just another character in my daydream? and if so..

are you perhaps there in the real world?

no

i know you're real

i know you're here

thank you

it won't take too long -- i hope

for me to pick up the pieces of shattered glass and broken dreams

for me to put back the hope that was lost, the trust that was gone

in your promise i want to believe

in your loving embrace i want to stay

in your presence i want to dwell . . .

forever.