Ang Hard

Bakit ba ang hirap mong mahalin?

Ang hirap mo rin abutin.

Kung makakalipad lang ako, gagawin ko

Kaso, hindi; pero nagawa kong tumakbo.

Sana isang araw pag gising ko

Hindi na ako nahihirapan ng ganito.

hindi nagugutom ang puso

'yun may energy ka pa rin kahit gutom na gutom ka na at walang solid food sa sistema mo for the whole day; kasi ang heart mo patuloy lang sa pagtibok ng mabilis na halos tumalon na siya at mag-tumbling palabas sa dibdib mo

hindi nga siguro nagugutom ang puso

pero nauuhaw

at kapag lumaon napapagod rin hanggang tumigil sa pagtibok. no more soaring, tumbling, free-wheeling dahil wala naman magic carpet ride in the first place

chasing and running from that one thing called love #9: of broken bridges, dead ends and roundabouts

I am a self-confessed kaladkarin girl. NO it's not the derogatory term; it's a term we coined to refer to people who love spontaneous trips. Madaling yayain / kaladkarin sa lakaran, joy ride man sa kung saan o long trip para takasan pansamantala ang jungle ng Kamaynilaan. Hindi man ako ang nasa likod ng manibela, ramdam ko pa rin pareho yun excitement at anxiety sa bawat byahe dahil kasama ako sa paglalakbay.

Tulad ng mga biyaheng biglaan o short notice, parang joy ride lang din ang buhay. Sa ating mga paglalakbay, napapadaan tayo sa mga kalsadang maganda, may sira, may baha, dead-end, one-way, sarado, ginagawa, trapik, paikot-ikot, pati tulay na putol o may sira. Nasubukan ko na daanan lahat nang 'yan sa mga paglalakbay sa iba't-ibang lugar, pati na rin sa buhay; at ngayon feeling ko matapos ang ilang panahon ng paglalakbay, halted na lang bigla ang byahe. Hindi naman dahil sa dead end o nasira ang daan o tulay -- sabihin na lang natin na I am crossing boarders and suddenly yun immigration officer tumanggi na ang passport ko eh tatakan. Hindi naman ako TIP victim, alam ko naman ang aking nais puntahan, pero ewan, baka nag-fit lang ako sa profile nila ng mga hindi dapat payagan na sa boundaries ay dumaan.

Sige, 'wag na lang ipilit kung ayaw. Marami pa naman destination na pwedeng puntahan...pero sayang lang kasi eh, ilang panahon ko na rin yun pinaghandaan tapos wala lang, ganun na lang. So for now, U-turn na lang muna. Kung may bagong daan man, kahit mala-EDSA sa trapik o expressway pa 'yan, pwede naman subukan. The journey continues pa rin.

TIME

There comes a time when things just fall into place. Serendipity, coincidence, fate, alignment of the universe, God's plan...posibleng iba-iba ang tawag pero dumarating ang pagkakataon na ganito, hindi man para sa hinihiling mo na happy ending, at least para tapusin ang isang chapter sa buhay mo at magsimula ng panibago. Anyway, truly happy things need not end naman di ba? Yep, there may be lull moments, pero iikot rin naman ang cycle para bumalik ang happiness. Pero may mga bagay lang din na kailangan tapusin kung hindi man kalimutan.

this photo from: http://1hdwallpapers.com/wallpapers/time_is_blue.jpg

Time. I often appreciate how my closest friends and I can be brutally frank with each other. Yun tipong gusto mo silang itakwil na kaibigan dahil nakaka wasak ng damdamin ang mga harsh words nila sa iyo pero hindi mo magawa kasi alam mo na totoo. Ito yun kaibigan ko na kailangan mo magpasintabi na hindi mo kailangan ng tough love, kung ang gusto mo naman at that moment eh mag-emote lang at hindi iresolve ang problemang dinadala mo. So kanina, she suddenly brought up time after our dinner. Natutuwa ako for her kasi may pinaglalaanan na siya ng time niya sa ngayon bukod sa work, garden, friends and family niya. Minsan nageemote rin siya tungkol sa seeming lack of time for her ng guy na pinaglalaanan niya ng time niya, pero being her friend na humihila sa kanya pabalik sa reality, I tell her na wag naman OA at tingnan din yun practical realities nila nun guy. So now, seems like okey naman sila at they spend time with each other.

Time. Lahat naman tayo may 24 hours a day eh pero nasa atin kung paano, saan at kanino natin gugugulin ang time natin. Ako, hindi ako expert sa usaping time management. Minsan, whimsical rin ako sa pag-ubos ng oras ko. I don't follow a strict daily routine. Hindi lang ako fanatic ng routines. Mas gusto ko yun spontaneous lang and I devote time doing certain things because I like doing it, I suddenly felt the urge to do it or I am happy doing it at that certain moment. Hindi naman kasi ako nagsasayang ng oras sa mga bagay na ayaw ko naman talaga. Minsan naglalaan ako ng oras sa mga bagay na gusto ko lang subukan gawin, pero kung hindi ko naman gusto yun eh hindi ko na uulitin. At least masasabi ko na kahit minsan sa buhay ko, nasubukan ko yun.

Time. I appreciate people who share their time with me. Choosy ako sa friends, hindi ako nag-aaksaya ng time sa mga taong hindi naman palagay ang loob ko at hindi kaibigan ang tingin ko. I admit, I only have a few friends pero hindi lang superficial friendship ang binibigay ko sa kanila. Ewan ko, basta ganito naman ako ever since. I care for my friends kahit na madalas, hindi obvious. Hindi kasi ako patweetums na sweet in public. Madalas nga opposite pa kasi I end up pushing my friends to their wits' end sa sobrang asar. Pero 😇 indicator yan na gusto kitang maging friend kapag inaasar kita 💁. When I become too formal, it's either hindi lang talaga kita feel - dito bagay yun cliche na "it's not you, it's me" -- posible kasi na wala ka naman talagang ginawang bad sa akin, hindi lang talaga kita gustong maging friend; or if dati kinukulit kita tapos I stopped and become formal, malamang you did something which turned me off. Tao 🙅 rin ako, I also get hurt and pissed off, you know!


Time. I remember one guy na sinabihan ako na "wala ka kasing time sa akin!" Ang reaction ko -- kamot ulo sabay bulong sa sarili na, "sira ba tuktok nito? Ako pa sinabihang walang time eh napapadalas nga pagloload ko (prepaid pa cp ko nun) dahil sa kanya. Eh siya nga yun madalas nagsasabi na kesyo naubusan siya ng load o kaya busy sa work. Oo nga, ano...tuktukan ko kaya to?! Lakas ng loob magdemand ng time?! Parang binabaligtad ang situation? Hmmmm...akala ba niya mauuto niya ko sa drama niyang iyan? Aba, kahit bata pa ako (hehe..I was in my mid 20's pero late bloomer ako eh kaya bata pa ako nun!) at matanda siya sa akin eh bright child yata ito no! Anong walang time pinagsasasabi nito?"  Matapos ang mabilis na pag-iisip, ang sagot ko, "marami akong time na willing ko i-share sa mga taong gusto ko makasama at willing magshare din ng time. Siguro kaya kita niyayaya na lumabas kasama ang friends ko 'di ba? Hindi lang time ang binibigay ko sa iyo, gusto ko makilala mo ang world ko; pero kung ayaw mo dahil ikaw ang walang time or walang interest, bahala ka." And that was tell tale sign number one na hindi siya boyfriend material. Hindi lang dun nagtapos yun, hindi naman ako judgmental na tao so marami pang chances ang aking binigay to get to know the guy, pero the more na naging clear na hindi siya good influence for me so waley, isa na lang siyang ex-future-boyfriend. And somehow thankful ako sa ending na yun kahit na iniyakan ko rin naman yun --- pambihira, umiyak talaga ako huh!😭 sa bagay, iyakin nga pala ako!

this image from: http://i.ytimg.com/vi/52-eR-Is-B8/hqdefault.jpg

Time. Sabi ng isang friend ko, if you like someone, kahit gaano ka ka-busy or gaano ka kalayo, magagawan mo ng paraan na magparamdam. Lahat ba ng tao naniniwala rito? Baka kasi nagkataon lang na pareho kami ng friend ko. I admit, may mga pagkakataon din naman na hindi ko napapansin agad mga friends ko dahil may deadline ako na hinahabol or uber busy lang talaga at that moment pero once nag sink-in sa akin yun, bumabawi naman ako. So maybe ganun nga talaga. Logical rin naman siya kung iisipin. Siyempre if you really like something you will be willing to adjust and invest to have it. Ganun din naman sa tao or even sa romantic relationship I guess (malay ko ba, hypothesis pa lang sa akin ito, ni hindi pa nga theory). Personally, I take time to send random messages to inform my friends that I am still alive, este, that they just crossed my mind. Sometimes, I also send out messages just because I have to remind myself that I still have people who might miss me when I am gone -- yep, depressed lang ang drama 😓. Masaya lang when they respond..kumusta blah...blah...blah... Siyempre kapag yun crush (maka crush lang eh, wagas! Haha..) ko ang kausap / text / email / chat ko dobleng saya, minsan kilig pa kapag sweet siya 💑 ayiieeee..👫!

Time. Ito talaga yun kahit na olympic gold medalist sa track and field eh hindi kayang habulin at 🏃 unahan. Ito yun kapag nakalipas hindi mo na mabalikan. Oo, kasama niyang lumalagpas yun chances -- sila yun perfect tandem para maging reason mo na magmoment at mag-emo na "what if..."    "what could have been..."    "if only..."    "kung maibabalik ko lang..."   "sana bukas pa ang kahapon..."   "sana'y maaaring ibalik ang kahapon..."   at kung anu-ano pang litanya ng panghihinayang. Pero hindi pwede eh; hindi talaga matutupad kahit ilang ulit mong ibirit sa videoke o gawing theme song sa teleserye ang hiling na "sana'y maghintay ang walang hanggan." Hindi ka hihintayin ng oras at lalagpasan ka ng chances kung hindi mo kukunin pagdaan sa harap mo. Swerte mo kung maisipan mag-cyclone loop ni chances at magpang-abot kayo ulit some other time. Nawa sa pagkakataong iyon eh magawa mo kung ano ang gusto mo.

Time. Minsan nasa MRT at ilang bagon na ang dumaan eh hindi pa ako nakasakay. Yun ikatlong tren eh naiwan ako pero at least ako na ang nasa unahan ng pila. Habang paalis yun tren, parating naman yun northbound na bagon sa kabilang side ng cubao station. Bigla ako napakanta, "...I've been passing time watching trains go by all of my life. Lying on the sand watching sea birds fly...." mabuti bago ko pa mailakas ang pagkanta ay naalala ko na ako lang mag-isa at nasa part ako na mixed passengers so halos puro boys ang nasa paligid ko -- 🙈 dyahe! Tahimik ulit ako, nagkunwaring nagtetext pero wish ko lang sana may bigla na lang tumawag para sagutin ko agad at kunyari ringtone ko yun..trip lang ba, ringtone ko boses ewan..hehehe...😄.

this image from: https://yy1.staticflickr.com/2693/4111020563_a70bbd924d_z.jpg

Time. Time to sleep na muna 😴. Later is another day!

tameme

tameme / speechless

'Yun realization

na may isang lalaking nagagawang ubusin 

ang unlimited kong wits!

The Love Effect

Because love, when it is right will in the end bring out the best that you can be.

Dear Heart

Written By: Mike Villegas

Interpreted By: Kiana Valenciano

Heto ka na naman

Binabalik ang ayaw kong maramdaman

Pag-ibig ay pelikula

Pagpapanggap; pagpapanggap na maganda

Bakit ba ang puso ko hindi nakikinig sa kin?

Bakit ba ang puso ko ang daling mauto?

Parang awa wag na 'wag 'wag 'wag 'wag

   'wag kang ma-in love

Please lang wag na 'wag 'wag 'wag 'wag

   'wag kang ma-in love

Umiibig; nang iiwan

Kinikilig; nililimot pag nakamtan

Ang pagsinta’y mapaglaro

Ayoko na; ayoko na ng ganito

Bakit ba ang puso ko hindi nakikinig sa kin?

Bakit ba ang puso ko ang daling mauto?

Parang awa wag na 'wag 'wag 'wag 'wag

   'wag kang ma-in love

Please lang wag na 'wag 'wag 'wag 'wag

   'wag kang ma-in love

Parang awa wag na 'wag 'wag 'wag 'wag

   'wag kang ma-in love

Please lang wag na 'wag 'wag 'wag 'wag

   'wag kang ma-in love

'Wag kang ma-in love

'Wag kang ma-in love

'Wag kang ma-in love

Dear Love,

I've been waiting for the right time to tell you something and I think this is it. It's been quite a long time, so I think this is not really asking for the sun and the moon and the stars.

I just wonder and I want to ask you, bakit ang tagal mo, saan ka ba dumaan? Kung malalaman ko lang, doon na lang din ako dadaan para kung hindi man tayo magkasalubong, sasabayan na lang kita sa bawat hakbang.

Ang hirap lang kasi na maging lost sa gitna ng mundo na puno ng mga tao na may kanya-kanyang buhay. Akala ng iba, wala rin lang akong paki-alam o 'di kaya ay kaya ko naman ang makipagsabayan kahit na ano pa ang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Pero hindi, hindi ako ganun, hindi ako si wondergirl na anak ni wonderwoman. Hindi naman talaga sila nageexist dahil kathang-isip lang sila. Pero alam mo, sa sobrang bagal mo, para na rin akong supergirl na nakikipagsapalaran sa earth mag-isa dahil wala ka pa. Kung pwede lang manawagan sa radyo, tv, facebook at dyaryo eh ginawa ko na para matunton ka. Ang problema, ni hindi ko nga alam kung sino ka eh! :-(

chasing and running from that one thing called love #8: Great Love

Ang great love mo, hindi mo makakatuluyan.
Ang makakatuluyan mo ay yung correct love."

I remember my colleagues back in the office debated about this quote from Ricky Lee's Para Kay B. To quote K's FB post:

Re-sharing because of today's discussion on great love vs. correct love. Ang sabi e, "you have to make your correct love into your great love".  And somebody said, "why can you not end up with both your great love and correct love?" Baka daw ang tinutukoy na great love sa post na ito ay great desire lamang. ;-D

But what's really the fuzz with having this great love and correct love? Can't these be rolled into one person? Can you make your correct love into your great love? Is great love just a great desire? Is there really  such a thing as correct love?

I remember talking about this too with two of my friends over cups of coffee and our favorite little oscar mini cake. I told them who my great love is and why I consider him as my great love. It is the love that lasted for years, actually around a decade and a half already.

Thinking about it now, in the context of my office colleagues' arguments, is it desire? Maybe, but desire in its pure form; not lust or some other material reasons. Actually, it is more of a hope or a dream. It is the love that made me want to become a better person so that someday, if ever our paths cross once again, he will be proud of me too. It is the love that made me look forward to waking up early in the morning, because I know he will be one of the first few people whom I will see. He is that one person whom I proclaimed to my closest friends that I love, without even blinking an eye. He is that one person whom I know I can genuinely respect as a person, as a man, as a partner. For me, his character commands respect because he also show respect towards others in every way. I like his principles in life, we actually share a number of common values in life. He is that one person who is not my crush because of this or that...actually, when my friends asked me why I got a crush on him and what is it that I liked in him, I told them that he is not my crush and I don't like him because I love him. I love him but I cannot just explain at that time why -- until now I still believe that love is one of the few things that we cannot rationalize or explain. Now before people even think that he is some demigod lurking around the metropolis, let me make it clear that he is not perfect. He is not a mesmerizing hunk with amazing abs and blazing wheels (well truth is, I am kind of afraid of those guys with well defined abs, biceps, etc. I don't know, but it makes me feel like they can squeeze my neck anytime they get mad at me). Neither is he a genius or a muti-millionaire or a balladeer who writes and sings the most heart-melting love song. He is a normal person, with flaws and all. He used to drive an old car, he was a working student, he looks just fine but my friends make fun of the way he walks. I don't really care. What matters to me was that I love him -- as in the whole package. It is the kind of love that made me believe in having my own family and saving all my love and care for them. It is the kind of love that made me think not of sex and lust but of mutual respect, care and making love. It is the kind of love that made me dream of a romantic first kiss, when the only thing that will be in my mind would be, "God, I love this man!" It is that one love that reminded me to remain hopeful, even after some dark moments of having my heart broken by some male species. It is that one love that fuels me to remain sober, to always weigh things and try to choose a good path. It is that one love that reminds me that life is good and there still are good people on earth. It is that one love that makes me look forward to a day when I will contact him again, introduce the guy I love and then thank him for inspiring me to become a better person all those years and teaching me to dream, to hope, to work diligently, and for making me realize important lessons in love that makes me look forward to days, years and loving moments with the man I truly love.

Now for the man I truly love, no one in particular right now. As I have written in the previous posts under this series, he is that guy who is not perfect and recognizes that I too am not perfect. He is that guy whom I would be willing and glad to negotiate with, to draw and redraw boundaries; to talk about our life as individuals then and now, and a future together; to be carefree, childlike and silly with; and the list could go on. He is that other guy whom I will genuinely respect as a person, as a man, as a partner; but this time, for real towards forever. Is it the correct love? We can make it the correct love -- a love that is not perfect, but real and deep enough to workout for. It is that kind of love that is more than just a surge of emotions and hormones; it is the kind that we decide for. Some may say that love is not a decision and then argue that I am now going against my belief that love cannot be rationalized. But I am not rationalizing love here. What I mean with love being more than just emotions and hormones is that it is something that we decide to pursue, to cultivate, to work on; that is what makes it correct -- we stick with that decision despite problems here and there. It is that kind of love that is grounded on deep commitment with each other, and faith in The One that brought us together. It is the love that is watered by common values, interests and future dreams; and lit with individual differences that add color and make it grow in all directions. Yes, external forces will come but as long as we are grounded, we can make it through.

Now, will I ever find that kind of love? Well, my great love taught me to remain hopeful. #

chasing and running from that one thing called love #7: when the pain is gone

Seven years. It has been that long? I don't exactly know when or how it happened but it has. All those years, I know that the day will come when I will no longer feel that pain whenever I remember those moments -- a time when I no longer want to know the answers to my questions -- asked and unasked. It doesn't matter to me anymore whether the feeling was mutual. I no longer think of what could have beens and what ifs. I no longer wish to set things straight once and for all -- it doesn't matter anymore to me. 

Yes, the pain is gone. I no longer feel it but I know that I am not, and I never was numb. I am more at peace now -- with myself, with my past, with now, and the prospects for the future. I have known myself more -- I know what I want and what I don't. I know when to take and give chances. I know my worth and my purpose. I know what I can give and what I am willing to give at certain points. I am free -- finally!

The Soulmate You Deserve (and the one I am looking for)

By CODY GOHL | DEC. 10, 2012 

"He will tell all of his friends that you are breathtaking. And when they smile politely he’ll repeat it, slowly, No, I mean really, truly breeaaatthhhtakkkiinnngg, will insist that they think about what it would feel like to have the very wind sucked out of them and placed inside of a music box. They won’t understand, but it will be the best way he will know how to describe why when you looked at him for the first time, all he could hear was music and the sound of his own breathing.

You will meet him at a pie-eating contest or at a bad house party or because you happen to be the only two people who like going to the park when it rains. He will be friendly and ask you for your name. You will give it to him. You will talk for hours and when he finally asks for your telephone number, you’ll hesitate. Take the chance, give him your number, ask him out to coffee. He will say yes to anything you ask of him because he loves like you love: sometimes too eagerly, sometimes too early, but always deeply.

He won’t be the most handsome or the most successful person you've ever met. His left front tooth will be a little crooked and his favorite movie will be something embarrassing like Must Love Dogs or The Lakehouse, but he’ll fill your days with small surprises, like stuffing all of the pockets of all of your pants and coats with your favorite candy on your birthday. He’ll write things like Have a beautiful smile and Be loved on all of your to-do lists, checking them off in thick red ink. When he walks into your living room to find you dancing, half-naked, to I want it that way he will not laugh or mock you, but will grab your hand and sing every word at the top of his lungs. And when you accidentally knock over a drink at an important dinner, he’ll knock over his entire plate to save you from embarrassment.

You will shimmy your way through many decades together. You will choose the paint for the walls of your home based on the silliness of their names: tantalizing tangerine, indigo dream. You will name your children after your favorite characters from your favorite books and he will teach them important things like the difference between frogs and toads and how to whistle with their index and pinky fingers. It won’t always be an easy life, but it will be a life of dancing on tabletops and too-strong margaritas, of embarrassing-the-kid kisses and quiet afternoons with no words, no sounds other than the crinkle of pages he will turn in the book you’re both reading while nesting on the couch.

For him, you will be the light at the end of the tunnel, the halo of glowing yellow that he has been waiting for. Never forget that you are someone worth steering for, someone worth the swift kick in the opposite direction worth all of the trials and checklists and almost rights because you are a mountaintop, the crush of violet on skin from a rainbow that seems so close to the earth that it must be real. When he comes to you, gorge on his compassion. Fill yourself completely. He will think you a miracle, a revelation and will count himself as the lucky one. Do not question him or yourself — this is exactly the kind of love you deserve."


My thoughts: I am not dreaming of a fairy-tale like love story where the princess finds her prince or ms. damsel in distress is saved by a knight in shining armor who falls in love with her then they will live happily ever after. I am not a princess and life is not a fairy tale. I am definitely not a damsel in distress -- actually, some of my friends point out that I seem to be so independent, empowered and yet a goody-good girl, so guys shy away from me (and I reacted: "I am whaaaat???"). I am definitely not sorry for what I am, perhaps I am sorry for what they think I am, without really -- as in really at least trying to know me beyond what is superficial. Contrary to popular belief (well, if my friends are really right with their hypothesis on my non-existent love life), I am not a self-centered and dominatrix playing hard to get bratinela from the palace. Neither am I a fragile lass who must be protected from the harsh elements and dubious people of this earth at all costs. I am a normal human being, living an ordinary life (read: I live, I feel, I eat, I work, I earn, I get tired, I get cranky, I need rest...). Like many people, I also want a life partner -- and by that I mean a boyfriend/husband who will see and treat me as such -- a partner. I want someone who really communicates -- I don't want to play guessing games or hide and seek -- I mean, I think I am much of a grown up for those flirting things. I want someone whom I can talk with about life, about love, about us, about dreams, hopes, the future, about our fears, frustrations, desires, fantasies, about anything and everything -- someone who listens and talks to share what's in his mind. I am not looking for a knight in shining armor or a superhero. Neither am I looking for a perfect guy -- why should I? I am definitely not a perfect girl, but that's exactly the point. I want someone who, like me, sees and acknowledges that we are both imperfect, but we can see beyond those imperfections and work things out together. Someone who can ride along with my brand of humor in the same way that I can get along with his. I want someone with whom I can be weird, eccentric, deviant, or silly from time to time yet still accept me for that; in the same vein, that someone will not be afraid or shy to let me see his idiosyncrasies -- and I will accept or even love that quirky side of him. I want someone with whom I will grow up and grow old with, with bits and pieces of child-like craziness on the side. I want someone whom I can genuinely respect -- yep, I may be like a wonder girl sometimes but still, I am looking for that guy who can remind me that I need to stop for a while -- and yes, I will listen! But does he really exist? I believe so...maybe he is not exactly like this for now, but he will be once we're together. What made me think so? Because love, as in life itself is a series of negotiations; of drawing and redrawing boundaries; of constantly changing to be a better person for one's self and for others. Yes, I am not looking for a perfect guy and I am not a perfect girl, but we can be stick together and form a bond that will perfectly fit us together -- from dusk 'til dawn; through crests and troughs; through triumphs, defeats and constant trying...that is the kind of love that I deserve.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #6

Bakit lagi mo na lang ginugulo ang isip ko? Alam mo ba na okey na sana ako? Sabi ko sa last post ko, tapos na eh, gets ko na na wala lang naman talaga. Pero bakit ba nagpakita, nagpaalam at yumakap ka pa? Awkward.

Sorry, awkward moment talaga yun kahapon. Hindi naman kasi ako sanay na ganun ka sa akin because you always keep your distance from me. For many times, inisip ko na mas mabuti nga yun ganun -- less attachment, less prone to intrigues because it seems like people are attaching meaning to our every move. Honestly, hindi ko gusto yun ganun. I just feel bad about it because I have been through similar situations before. Nakaka-inis lang yun bigyan ng malice ang lahat kahit simpleng gesture lang; pero mas nakaka-inis lang siguro dati kasi feeling naman yun guys. That's one reason why I told you last Wednesday na thankful ako sa iyo because you have been a real gentleman. And even though some people put a question mark on your being a man, para sa akin mas mas real man pa rin yun tulad mo -- or at least the way I see you and the way you act when we are in the same place. Awkward rin kasi I don't know how to react when you approached me sa classroom and hugged me -- nakaka conscious lang kasi may mga tao and baka ano na naman sabihin nila -- sana kasi niyakap mo na lang silang lahat eh! I wanted to hug you back to thank you, kaso nga awkward moment.

Last night's SMS exchanges was nice. I just like the way our minds and humor meet often times -- bihira lang kasi yun ganun, most guys either get pissed off with my semi-harsh blows or entirely shy away or feel insecure when I share my serious thoughts; others give off dry humor so turn off. So pwede na kitang idagdag sa listahan ng very few guys whom I really consider as friends, not just colleagues or acquaintances. Waking up with the sound of an SMS from you this morning is just kind of sweet.

Pero ganun na lang. There may be fleeting moments here and there pero ayaw ko na mag-assume. Masakit kasi yun sisihin ka ng guy for falling in love with him at sabihan ka na layuan siya pagkatapos ng ilang taon na he befriended you, make you feel like his princess; sorry, wala kang kinalaman dun pero I learned many lessons the hard way sa experience na yun. So I guess we will be friends; I hope so.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #5

Para kang foreign language, ang hirap basahin, ang hirap ispellengin, ang hirap intindihin. Ito na nga kasi yun ayaw ko sa history repeats itself na ito. I would like to think that you are different, pero sa ngayon ang labo lang talaga.

So I guess I will just leave it that way, no more moves kasi nakakapagod na rin. Pero more than being tired, I am afraid of once again feeling left in limbo. I can already sense that familiar tinge of pain that I do not want to go through again. Ang hirap lang ng situation na ganito, I just feel lost -- parang hide and seek sa kadiliman ng gabi, paghahanap ng daan pauwi kung malayo sa EDSA, o haring chess piece na single steps kung gumalaw pero sa pag-checkmate naman hindi rin maka-isa. 

Pero bakit ko pa ba pahihirapan ang sarili ko kaiisip sa iyo? Why do I care about you anyway? Why am I concerned of what they say about you or of their judgment of you? Kailangan bang i-explain yun? I guess it is better to ask, pwede nga bang ipaliwanag 'yun? Can things like that be rationalized? Parang hindi ko na kayang ipaliwanag, baka hindi pa lang tamang oras; or baka mas tama yun hindi lang ikaw ang tamang tao. 

Sana kasi mas simple na lang ang life -- 'yun hindi kailangan makipag taguan, hindi kailangan makipaghulaan, hindi kailangan manimbang kung lalapit ka ba o lalayo. Bakit ba kasi ginagawang complicated ang mga bagay-bagay? Mas madali naman ang lumayo o umiwas na lang para wala nang usapan at hindi na rin ako mahirapan. Siguro nga chicken pa rin ako pagdating sa bagay na ito. Sinubukan ko naman eh, pero ang labo lang talaga, hindi kita ma-gets. Pero instead na problemahin ko pa, iisipin ko na lang na it's not meant to be. At kung totoo man ang sinasabi ni Daddy D about destiny, malamang hindi lang talaga ikaw 'yun para sa akin...kasi kung ikaw 'yun hindi siguro ganito. Hindi naman ako naging sobrang samang tao to not deserve being happy and loved.

I will find my own happiness. I will find someone who will be happy with me. I will find someone who will not make me feel unlovable; someone with whom I can grow up and grow old with -- 'yun walang confusions kasi we both know how to communicate with each other. I will find that one man who deserves my full trust, confidence and genuine respect; someone with whom I will not be afraid of expressing love in all ways possible. When that day comes, I will be joyful and content, not because of a fairy tale-like story of living happily ever after, but because I know I am with a man who is man enough to dare to know me beyond what is superficial. Yes, I will find that man whom my future daughter described in my eulogy; someone who will discover that behind the often intimidating facade is a girl who is sweet, thoughtful and loving; a man who will advise our son to find a girl with a character like their mom. In due time, I will be with that one guy whom I will love and care for until my last breath.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #4

"Huwag mo nang habulin ang mga taong walang paki-alam sa iyo. There are those special people who love you for you, learn to appreciate and treasure them instead" a friend from high school posted on facebook.

Kung logic lang ang gagamitin, ito na siguro ang pinaka logical na gawin. Pero, ganun na naman ba ang gagawin ko? Alam mo yun umiiwas ka na masaktan pero ganun din pala yun ending? Sabi nga, you cannot expect a different outcome if you are doing the same things over and over again. So, what now? Sabi ni Daddy D kanina sa akin, 'wag ko na raw kontrahin and just let it come if it does..kesyo I can't run away from destiny raw.

Going back to my last post, 'yun pag hiling ng signs on what to do, bakit kasi kung kailan last stretch tsaka pa biglang hahabol? Alam mo 'yun feeling na paalis ka na sana kasi absent yun teacher tapos biglang darating? Dalawang beses na yun...now, should I give in one more try? First to make three ba dapat? 

chasing and running from that one thing called love #3

What if you've asked for signs then when you had one, you still cannot fully believe it? Is it okay to ask for a second one? How about a third one? Or do you need all three - just like what they say in case of bad luck -- that it comes in threes?

What if somehow you thought of doing otherwise? Are you going to do it right away, or would you rather wait for the second and third sign?

What if still, something inside tells you to give it a try and just act on the first one?

chasing and running from that one thing called love #2

staring into nothing, trying to feel numb about what I am feeling, 

i wish that the waiting and searching would soon end

i guess it is the only way to put an end to something 

that has never started in the first place

i will close my eyes now and in my slumber

may i be granted with wisdom and discernment

to recognize answers

and may the answers lead to enlightenment 

chasing and running from that one thing called love #1

the feeling when you feel like your heart skipped a bit when you see him glance at you
the feeling of wanting to touch him, to reach for him and hug him -- but you cannot
that spark in his eyes and the smile on his lips -- you wonder if it were real or imagined
the thought of looking into those eyes as it draws nearer and nearer to yours
the thought of having those lips touch yours as you close your eyes to savor the feeling
the agony of thinking why are you thinking and feeling this way
the fear of falling into the same cycle again

of lovely dolls, youthful vibes, dances, princesses and princes

Happy Valentines Day (or so they say). Today also marks my 103rd day of exile in here in Tagaytay. Hanap kasi nang hanap ng change, so eto na ang bonggang-bonggang change! When I came here 3 months and 11 days ago, sabi ko sa sarili ko I will make the most out of this. True enough, ang daming bagay na dito ko lang pinaggagawa; ako na talaga ang late bloomer! haha! Ito rin 'yun first time na months akong titira sa ibang lugar -- maximum na kasi ang two weeks dati na hindi ako uuwi sa bahay namin at matutulog sa bed ko katabi ang mga unan ko. Okay, first time ko rin sumali sa JS Prom-themed na socials (hindi uso sa H.S. namin ang JS Prom at anti-social pa ako nun college so hindi rin ako sumali sa ball) -- sa hindi ko malamang dahilan, youthful vibes itong mga classmates ko at talaga naman JS Prom pa ang theme ng socials namin for the month. At dahil JS prom, dapat meron daw king and queen at may royal dance silang dalawa, at hindi ko na kayang i-kwento rito ang naganap kasi hindi pa siya napa-process ng buong katawang lupa ko -- oo, buong katawang lupa kasi kasama utak, puso, baga, atay, apdo, kuko at pati adorable pancreas ko -- ang masasabi ko lang, siguro nga nagmature na rin naman ako kahit papaano kasi hindi naman ako umiyak, nagwalk-out, o nanghampas ng tsinelas (refer to my old post).

Some things never change though, like my love for my adorable kimmidolls so here, I am updating my collection in this blog at dahil Valentines day daw ngayon, I will feature my Kimmidoll Love collection. I was with Ate Mel and Ate Hazel when we noticed the funky looking dolls from the kimmidoll love collection. We bought one keychain type each as Christmas presents for Atty. Gettie and Mss. Beth and Celia and since during those days I was attracted to anything red, I also bought the red-haired doll for my self. So far, I have seven of them, five keychains and two maxi dolls.

Excerpts from the Kimmidoll Love Story

Eve Elle | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Maxi Doll)

Frankie | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Maxi Doll)

Bon Bon | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Keychain)

Lacy Luck | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Keychain) -- This was the first that I bought from the Love series.

Miso Cute | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Keychain)

Sorrow | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Keychain)

Yumi Yumi | Kimmidoll Love Collection (Keychain)

So there, let's all learn to live and love!

of challenges, denied chances and changes

I do love challenges. I usually outdo others in performing the most daunting tasks because they tend to give up and walk away, but I just go on and face it. I am afraid of a lot of things, yes; but I won't allow myself to fail without giving it a try, if not a good fight. Na-ah, I'm not a war freak or some kind of a self-centered brat, I do play fair; I despise it when I see injustice. I also know when to backoff, to keep it cool by walking away for a while, and even to give-up because I decided to change what I want.

I was just hoping that I would be given a chance; that he would try to give us a try. But that seems to be something that is so illusive. Sometimes, I even wonder if he is an unidentified descendant of Andres Bonifacio...paano kasi talo pa ang bato ng monumento sa pagka-dense!

Change of heart...I seldom do that, but there are times when there are more challenges than chances; when things just won't fall into place; when all odds seem to come between you and what you long for. It just gets so tiring to keep on trying that I just want to stop. **sigh**

that thing called WE