mga hirit na malupit - isa (mga linyang pang #hugot moments)

'Yun iba meron pang options na pinag-pipilian; ako, chance na nga lang ang hinihiling ko, ipinagkakait pa.

 What? Nagmahal na ang food sa daily menu? Lahat nagmahal na, bakit sa akin wala pa?

Itong aircon, ako na lang lagi ang taga-on; samantalang ako, walang ka-on!

Minsan kahit anong ingat mo na 'wag masaktan, mangyayari at mangyayari pa rin eh. Minsan, kahit nakuha mo na ang lahat alam mo na may kulang. Ang masaklap pa eh yun akala mo siya 'yun kulang sa buhay mo, iba naman ang plano sa buhay

The Class Address: Ang Speech na Rush Pero Mukhang Hindi Halata!

Flashback, ang kwento:

September 30, 2014 ng hapon may division meeting kami. There were missed calls on my phone when I went back to my desk and since unregistered yun number, I thought it was just one of those calls na kung anu-ano ino-offer. Apparently, it was a call from the PMDP program manager pala, as Sheryl, our session manager informed me that night. 10:09PM nang finally nakausap ako ni Ma'am Nanette sa phone. She informed me na kailangan ko magprepare ng class address, because I am graduating on top of the class..blah..blah..blah.. katext ko pa after noon si Sheryl at kinukulit ko siya kasi feeling ko panaginip lang 'yun at hindi totoo. I called Brenda kasi kailangan ko lang ng makakausap...ang ingay ni Brenda sa sobrang excitement kahit nasa mall siya for set-up ng NSM exhibit..ako naman, umiiyak. Ewan ko kung bakit ako umiyak pero, iyakin naman talaga ako eh. Brenda asked me kung sino na ang nakaka-alam, at kung alam na raw ba ni Jay. I told her that she was the first one whom I called sa mga BBs after talking with Ma'am Nanette. After talking with Brenda, I feel like calling Jay too. It was him whom I have been communicating with the past weeks regarding our re-entry projects, and I have been exchanging jokes with him about him getting awards for graduation, so I called him. He congratulated me and I don't know if he was aware that I was crying while talking with him or maybe he was too sleepy or busy to sense it but nonetheless being nice and polite so he picked up my call.

Honestly, hindi ko naman ini-expect yun; I feel like I am just an average student sa class namin, tapos biglang ako raw ang with highest honors and worst, I need to deliver a class address! The following day, I attended a whole day forum called by the Criminal Code Committee about the draft code of crimes that will replace the revised penal code. Unfortunately, there was a thunderstorm in the afternoon and I was stranded in Ortigas since the buses and MRT were full and traffic was on a complete stand still. I went inside Robinsons Galleria, had dinner, then tried to write something for the class address. Kaso, wala akong mabuong paragraph! Sa totoo lang, nakaka-frustrate kapag nag-iinarte ang brain ko at feeling niya may writer's block siya! Around 11 pm na ako naka-uwi sa bahay, I have to pack my things pa since very early ng Thursday ang byahe to Tagaytay for our graduation practice then Friday ang graduation. Halos hindi na rin ako nakatulog, trying to make sense of the thoughts that come to my mind. Kailangan ko na rin umalis at umpisahan ang byahe..all the while I was asking Heavens to enlighten me on what to say. In short, nag-umpisa na ang practice ay hindi pa buo ang speech ko..halos useless rin pala na ininform ako ng medyo maaga, but on the second thought, okay na rin kasi mas calm na ako at hindi na ako umiiyak dahil sa mixed emotions. Nagmukha tuloy akong anti-social at parang napadaan lang sa socials that night kasi nga kailangan kong buuin ang speech ko. Mabuti na lang room mates kami ni Ate Xen, so pinareview ko na rin sa kanya ang draft ko -- there were parts na nag-aalangan ako kung isasama ko so I want to ask at least some of my closest friends sa class. Siyempre kasama rin sina Brenda and Jeena sa mga kinulit ko at ginawang audience sa mock speech delivery ko. 'Yan kasi ang tip sa akin ng aking Faculty Adviser sa project na si Dr. Brian Marson para sa panel presentation. Ayon sa kanya, I have to practice the behaviour, the actual delivery kung baga, para raw confident ako pagharap sa crowd. Jay was also kind to help me enhance the draft that night, may mga dinagdag kami na lines sa part na recall ng lessons sa program. Inabot na rin kami ng past midnight sa pag-edit at finalize ng speech. Natulog muna ako para naman hindi ako mukhang zombie sa graduation. Hehehe.. The following day, graduation na! Hectic lang ng schedule kasi may pictorials pa at dressed rehearsal; in between those at habang nag-aayos ng aming mga sarili sa room, I was practicing my speech habang pinipilit makinig sina Ate Xen, Brenda at Jeena -- haha..sorry dears, spoiler lang, ilang beses na nila narinig ang speech ko bago ang actual graduation, but hey, that's what friends are for! hehehe..

The script, este, speech:

[Honorable Senator Paolo Benigno Aquino IV, -- he already left so this was not included in the actual delivery] D.A.P. President Antonio D. Kalaw, Jr. and Senior Vice President Magdalena L. Mendoza, Senior Executives in Government, our families and guests, ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of PMDP Middle Managers’ Class Bato Balani, good afternoon!

Life is a random series of changes, challenges and chances wherein, we have choices. Our PMDP journey is no different.

Most of us came here last November with one dream – the dream to get the Masters in Development Management degree from the Development Academy of the Philippines. Here, we were given the rare chance of learning from the experts in various fields of governance. We sat through long hours of lectures, workshops and group activities. We were exposed to films, cases and a pile of reading materials. We went to and lived in the homes of families in the countryside. We were asked to develop a project for our agencies, consult our faculty advisers and institutional partners and then defend the proposal before a critical but helpful panel. We went back and implemented our re-entry projects in our agencies then report on project results – an experience that gave us the chance to practice what we learned from the residential phase of the program.

Eleven months after, we are back in DAPCC, filled with gratitude to all those who helped us turn our dreams into reality. We thank the eminent persons and the experts in the PMDP faculty who selflessly shared their knowledge with us. We thank the PMDP and DAPCC management and staff, as well as the module coordinators and assistants who made sure that we were taken care of. Of course, we give our heartfelt thanks to our Session Director, Ma’am Inday Gavero and Session Manager, Sheryl dela Cruz – the two ladies who patiently and tirelessly guided and supported all of us since we arrived here in November. We also thank our agency heads and supervisors who believed in us, and sent us to PMDP. We thank our colleagues back at work who took on extra loads while we were gone, and helped us implement our Re-Entry Projects. We thank our families and friends who endured our months of absence from home and erratic schedules; your understanding and support are much appreciated.

Admittedly at some points, our journey here has become so challenging that to many of us, the PMDP dream became a nightmare. Many of us have hurdled but some are still experiencing challenges in completing our re-entry projects. But since Class Bato Balani pledged to attract positive, and repel negative thoughts and deeds, we commit to face challenges head on, believing that these are changing us; molding us into public sector leaders and managers with the right education, ideals and attitude to effect positive changes in our country.

Positive change – it is something that emanates from within us. I believe that each of us has changed through PMDP. Perhaps aside from Racqy, Dave, Agu, Marianne and Chuck, some of us are thinking about the preservation of Filipino culture and values as part of education and development, each time we remember Turumba. Brenda, Junn, Adi and the others may be thinking about economics each time they see a bathtub. Although none of us entered this hall walking backwards, as Apol would have wanted, I think the workshops and structured learning exercises that we’ve gone through helped us use our whole brain in thinking, even to the extent of switching the X and Y axis.   Others may even be joining Doc Tya, Jeena, Xen, Sofie and Luz in recalling the lectures on procurement, human resource management and public finance and budgeting. Arlene, Dwin, Jerry, Rub, Elna and others might be thinking of innovative ways for people to better appreciate statistics, and Riza is behind them saying, “try it!” Edwin, Aleli, Mary and Jay, along with another group may start analyzing and addressing the impact of globalization in local enterprise development. Celso, Noemi, Lyd, Atty. Bob and others may be pondering on the four elements of the State which must be considered in the protection of national interest, when they write a policy paper for international negotiation.  Amy, Jane, Ferdie, Joel and some others may be thinking about mining and sustainable development. Cody, Boyet, Leo, Angie, Gem, Roy and others may pave the way towards improving law enforcement and protection of citizens’ welfare. I think all will agree that we have become more prayerful, always seeking divine intervention, because of PMDP. We all have our “aha!” moments to remember from our PMDP journey that we can use in effecting positive changes.   

But my dear friends, the greater challenge ahead of us is staying committed to our promise eleven months ago that we will attract what is positive and repel what is negative. It is living up to PMDP’s vision of transformational leadership and excellence in public service. Are we joining the league of PMDP graduates who are leading positive changes in Philippine Government? Will the bonds of friendship that we have formed in PMDP translate into convergence or collaboration between our agencies in the days to come? Are we going to give their taxes’ worth to the Juanas and Juans who financed our journey through PMDP? Like a Bato Balani, can we stick together in upholding PMDP’s mission to be world-class Filipino public managers, imbued with the highest level of competence, integrity, and commitment? Batch mates, the choice is ours to make; and together, let us say that YES, we can, and YES, we will!

So there, natapos rin and I got positive feedback naman from people (thank you Lord!). I have prepared countless of different kinds of speeches, messages, presentations for my bosses before but really, this one is the first that I myself delivered. Well, as I would often say, there is always a first time, and PMDP is home to my "many firsts" in life. In retrospect, I would say that how the PMDP experience affects the scholars largely depend on their willingness to learn, unlearn and relearn. We are the so-called high performing and high potential middle managers in government so each of us already carries a certain level of expertise up our sleeves -- knowledge, practices, beliefs that were challenged as we go through the program. Perhaps in my case, things just fell into places -- I was looking for changes back then, so when I went to PMDP on the 4th of November 2013, I told myself that I will just enjoy the ride and make the most out of it. Who would have known that I could go this far? Not even me! hehe.. I know the real challenge starts the moment I once again face full time office life. I hope I can do justice and payback what the people invested in me. :-) God, help, guide and protect me po :-)

Near the end...

The final stretch is always the most difficult. We knew here and there that there are still issues to be solved.

Jacques Rogge quotes

Nakaka-relate lang ako ng bonggang-bongga sa quotation na ito! Pero, kailangan lang mag move on. Lilipas rin ito, ilang gabing puyat na lang!

My Current Playlist: Praise Classics Instrumental

I've had these tracks for the past 15 years and I must say that it has always been my comfort music whenever I need a break. Although I must admit that I do not even know the lyrics to some of these tracks (well, it's an instrumental CD), it just have an uplifting effect on me. Hearing this music soothes my soul and relaxes my mind and that is exactly what I need now.

Praise Classics Instrumental - Maranatha Music

TIME

There comes a time when things just fall into place. Serendipity, coincidence, fate, alignment of the universe, God's plan...posibleng iba-iba ang tawag pero dumarating ang pagkakataon na ganito, hindi man para sa hinihiling mo na happy ending, at least para tapusin ang isang chapter sa buhay mo at magsimula ng panibago. Anyway, truly happy things need not end naman di ba? Yep, there may be lull moments, pero iikot rin naman ang cycle para bumalik ang happiness. Pero may mga bagay lang din na kailangan tapusin kung hindi man kalimutan.

this photo from: http://1hdwallpapers.com/wallpapers/time_is_blue.jpg

Time. I often appreciate how my closest friends and I can be brutally frank with each other. Yun tipong gusto mo silang itakwil na kaibigan dahil nakaka wasak ng damdamin ang mga harsh words nila sa iyo pero hindi mo magawa kasi alam mo na totoo. Ito yun kaibigan ko na kailangan mo magpasintabi na hindi mo kailangan ng tough love, kung ang gusto mo naman at that moment eh mag-emote lang at hindi iresolve ang problemang dinadala mo. So kanina, she suddenly brought up time after our dinner. Natutuwa ako for her kasi may pinaglalaanan na siya ng time niya sa ngayon bukod sa work, garden, friends and family niya. Minsan nageemote rin siya tungkol sa seeming lack of time for her ng guy na pinaglalaanan niya ng time niya, pero being her friend na humihila sa kanya pabalik sa reality, I tell her na wag naman OA at tingnan din yun practical realities nila nun guy. So now, seems like okey naman sila at they spend time with each other.

Time. Lahat naman tayo may 24 hours a day eh pero nasa atin kung paano, saan at kanino natin gugugulin ang time natin. Ako, hindi ako expert sa usaping time management. Minsan, whimsical rin ako sa pag-ubos ng oras ko. I don't follow a strict daily routine. Hindi lang ako fanatic ng routines. Mas gusto ko yun spontaneous lang and I devote time doing certain things because I like doing it, I suddenly felt the urge to do it or I am happy doing it at that certain moment. Hindi naman kasi ako nagsasayang ng oras sa mga bagay na ayaw ko naman talaga. Minsan naglalaan ako ng oras sa mga bagay na gusto ko lang subukan gawin, pero kung hindi ko naman gusto yun eh hindi ko na uulitin. At least masasabi ko na kahit minsan sa buhay ko, nasubukan ko yun.

Time. I appreciate people who share their time with me. Choosy ako sa friends, hindi ako nag-aaksaya ng time sa mga taong hindi naman palagay ang loob ko at hindi kaibigan ang tingin ko. I admit, I only have a few friends pero hindi lang superficial friendship ang binibigay ko sa kanila. Ewan ko, basta ganito naman ako ever since. I care for my friends kahit na madalas, hindi obvious. Hindi kasi ako patweetums na sweet in public. Madalas nga opposite pa kasi I end up pushing my friends to their wits' end sa sobrang asar. Pero 😇 indicator yan na gusto kitang maging friend kapag inaasar kita 💁. When I become too formal, it's either hindi lang talaga kita feel - dito bagay yun cliche na "it's not you, it's me" -- posible kasi na wala ka naman talagang ginawang bad sa akin, hindi lang talaga kita gustong maging friend; or if dati kinukulit kita tapos I stopped and become formal, malamang you did something which turned me off. Tao 🙅 rin ako, I also get hurt and pissed off, you know!


Time. I remember one guy na sinabihan ako na "wala ka kasing time sa akin!" Ang reaction ko -- kamot ulo sabay bulong sa sarili na, "sira ba tuktok nito? Ako pa sinabihang walang time eh napapadalas nga pagloload ko (prepaid pa cp ko nun) dahil sa kanya. Eh siya nga yun madalas nagsasabi na kesyo naubusan siya ng load o kaya busy sa work. Oo nga, ano...tuktukan ko kaya to?! Lakas ng loob magdemand ng time?! Parang binabaligtad ang situation? Hmmmm...akala ba niya mauuto niya ko sa drama niyang iyan? Aba, kahit bata pa ako (hehe..I was in my mid 20's pero late bloomer ako eh kaya bata pa ako nun!) at matanda siya sa akin eh bright child yata ito no! Anong walang time pinagsasasabi nito?"  Matapos ang mabilis na pag-iisip, ang sagot ko, "marami akong time na willing ko i-share sa mga taong gusto ko makasama at willing magshare din ng time. Siguro kaya kita niyayaya na lumabas kasama ang friends ko 'di ba? Hindi lang time ang binibigay ko sa iyo, gusto ko makilala mo ang world ko; pero kung ayaw mo dahil ikaw ang walang time or walang interest, bahala ka." And that was tell tale sign number one na hindi siya boyfriend material. Hindi lang dun nagtapos yun, hindi naman ako judgmental na tao so marami pang chances ang aking binigay to get to know the guy, pero the more na naging clear na hindi siya good influence for me so waley, isa na lang siyang ex-future-boyfriend. And somehow thankful ako sa ending na yun kahit na iniyakan ko rin naman yun --- pambihira, umiyak talaga ako huh!😭 sa bagay, iyakin nga pala ako!

this image from: http://i.ytimg.com/vi/52-eR-Is-B8/hqdefault.jpg

Time. Sabi ng isang friend ko, if you like someone, kahit gaano ka ka-busy or gaano ka kalayo, magagawan mo ng paraan na magparamdam. Lahat ba ng tao naniniwala rito? Baka kasi nagkataon lang na pareho kami ng friend ko. I admit, may mga pagkakataon din naman na hindi ko napapansin agad mga friends ko dahil may deadline ako na hinahabol or uber busy lang talaga at that moment pero once nag sink-in sa akin yun, bumabawi naman ako. So maybe ganun nga talaga. Logical rin naman siya kung iisipin. Siyempre if you really like something you will be willing to adjust and invest to have it. Ganun din naman sa tao or even sa romantic relationship I guess (malay ko ba, hypothesis pa lang sa akin ito, ni hindi pa nga theory). Personally, I take time to send random messages to inform my friends that I am still alive, este, that they just crossed my mind. Sometimes, I also send out messages just because I have to remind myself that I still have people who might miss me when I am gone -- yep, depressed lang ang drama 😓. Masaya lang when they respond..kumusta blah...blah...blah... Siyempre kapag yun crush (maka crush lang eh, wagas! Haha..) ko ang kausap / text / email / chat ko dobleng saya, minsan kilig pa kapag sweet siya 💑 ayiieeee..👫!

Time. Ito talaga yun kahit na olympic gold medalist sa track and field eh hindi kayang habulin at 🏃 unahan. Ito yun kapag nakalipas hindi mo na mabalikan. Oo, kasama niyang lumalagpas yun chances -- sila yun perfect tandem para maging reason mo na magmoment at mag-emo na "what if..."    "what could have been..."    "if only..."    "kung maibabalik ko lang..."   "sana bukas pa ang kahapon..."   "sana'y maaaring ibalik ang kahapon..."   at kung anu-ano pang litanya ng panghihinayang. Pero hindi pwede eh; hindi talaga matutupad kahit ilang ulit mong ibirit sa videoke o gawing theme song sa teleserye ang hiling na "sana'y maghintay ang walang hanggan." Hindi ka hihintayin ng oras at lalagpasan ka ng chances kung hindi mo kukunin pagdaan sa harap mo. Swerte mo kung maisipan mag-cyclone loop ni chances at magpang-abot kayo ulit some other time. Nawa sa pagkakataong iyon eh magawa mo kung ano ang gusto mo.

Time. Minsan nasa MRT at ilang bagon na ang dumaan eh hindi pa ako nakasakay. Yun ikatlong tren eh naiwan ako pero at least ako na ang nasa unahan ng pila. Habang paalis yun tren, parating naman yun northbound na bagon sa kabilang side ng cubao station. Bigla ako napakanta, "...I've been passing time watching trains go by all of my life. Lying on the sand watching sea birds fly...." mabuti bago ko pa mailakas ang pagkanta ay naalala ko na ako lang mag-isa at nasa part ako na mixed passengers so halos puro boys ang nasa paligid ko -- 🙈 dyahe! Tahimik ulit ako, nagkunwaring nagtetext pero wish ko lang sana may bigla na lang tumawag para sagutin ko agad at kunyari ringtone ko yun..trip lang ba, ringtone ko boses ewan..hehehe...😄.

this image from: https://yy1.staticflickr.com/2693/4111020563_a70bbd924d_z.jpg

Time. Time to sleep na muna 😴. Later is another day!