Here, am almost done reorganizing my little room! Whew! It always take me time to organize like this because I kinda have a hard time sorting out which item shall I keep and which to give away or throw away. Right now, am glad to look at all my books, mags and other stuff neatly lined up in the shelf! Still have to organize other things though, like those accessories, knick knacks and cds. Di ko pa natapos kasi I washed my clothes kanina eh..tapos nito, plantsa naman! Whew!

Nakita ko na yun old journal na hinahanap ko, tinago ko na kasama nun isa pa..pero what surprised me was that meron pa akong nakitang isang small notebook which turned out to be another journal! Ewan, hindi ko na natandaan na nag-eexist itong isang ito kasi most of my thoughts regarding the one am talking about in the journal ay nasa isang blogspot ko. Anyway, siguro ito yun mga bagay-bagay na ayaw ko naman ilagay sa web. The first entry was December 29, 2004. Halos two years na. Suddenly, para lang akong binatukan..parang I can hear the grown up me saying, “hey, wake up girl!! Open your eyes and stop dreaming! Don’t you think you’re wasting your time and effort?!” Ouch! Okay, fine. Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman alam eh! Ngayon alam ko na. Ouch pa rin! Hindi ko na alam kung alin ang masakit..heart ba or ego? Pareho siguro. Kasi feeling ko niloko ko eh..feeling? Mali, hindi lang feeling yun, totoo yun. It’s sad to think na all along you’ve been honest and transparent tapos yun taong pinagkatiwalaan mo all the while is hiding something from you..something na kung sana hindi niya tinago hindi ka feeling stupid ngayon. What if hindi ko nalaman yun? The point is, intentional ba yun paglilihim niya..bakit kailangan na accidentally ko pa malaman yun? That’s just so unfair! Sa bagay, this world is so unfair naman talaga, so why should I expect? Bad trip lang ako! Gusto ko nga itapon yun notebook eh kaso naisip ko, not yet..hindi muna..magandang pang-gising ito kapag nasa senti mode na naman ako. Nalungkot na naman tuloy ako kanina..pero naisip ko, tapos na yun eh. Sabi nga ni lola Auch, “though it hurts like hell, no one dies of a broken heart; like all things, that too will come to pass.” Looking back, and reading through my blogspot and my journal, hindi naman ganun karami yun happy moments na naaalala ko..mas marami ata yun missing and longing and wishing and hoping. Perhaps I’ve been smitten all along kaya hindi ko iniintindi yun. Haay…and they think that I live an easy life?? I dare say no, I don’t! I never did.

Kakatawa, October 19 na dami pa rin bumabati sa akin sa opisina! Yun iba kasi akala wala ako kahapon dahil birthday ko, kasi nga entitled kami na mag birthday leave. Natuwa naman ako sa mga ka-division ko sa opis kasi nagprepare sila ng lunch salu-salo para sa amin ni tita Chat! Grabe, nabusog na naman ako!! hehehe.. Para kina Tita Miriam at Ms. Miyen na walang friendster, salamat po sa gift (na hindi nilagyan ng label na vibrator)!! Salamat rin kay Tita Dez na bihira magbukas ng friendster! At Siyempre, salamat sa aking mga kasamahan na nagprepare para sa kainan.. Tita Loren (da best talaga cake ni Tita Dolly!!), Auie, Meyps, Lowlah Maecel, Bongkenobi, Tita Lourd, Tita Miriam, Ms. Miyen… tenk you, tenk you!!

27th birthday

Birthday ko pa rin! Ayon sa aking NSO-authenticated certificate of live birth, 18 October 1979, 11:35 am ako isinilang. Salamat po sa lahat ng bumati, pati sa mga taong ‘di ko naman ini-expect na babatiin ako!

Dalawang bagay ang narealize ko sa mga nangyari ngayong birthday ko. Una, 27 na pala ako! Naalala ko nun teenager pa ko, iniisip ko na matanda na pag lagpas ng 25. Feeling ko ang tagal pa nun kasi nga teenager lang ako. Kaya lang, parang ang bilis lang ng panahon! Am already 2 years past 25 and feeling ko, hindi pa rin ako matanda. Ewan, baka sa isip ko lang yun..but this thing lead me to my second realization.

Ang dami ko pa rin hindi alam at ang dami ko pang gustong gawin sa buhay ko. Marami kasing bagay na hindi ko naman pinagtuunan ng pansin noon at lately lang ako nagkakaroon ng interest. Siguro kung papalitan ko ng pangalan itong blog ko, hihiramin ko yun pangalan ng blog ni John Paul: Late bloomer. Marami kasing mga bagay-bagay sa paligid na sa tingin ko, masyado akong naïve.

Ilang ulit na rin ako muntik mapahamak dahil rito pero mabait lang talaga sa’kin si Lord kaya am always spared from the devil (hehehe..). Hindi ko na rin inaway o sinaktan yun mga nanggulang o nag-trip sa’kin..naisip ko lang, bahala na si Lord sa kanila. True enough, medyo nagdaraan lang naman sila sa mga paghihirap sa buhay..ayaw kong isipin na kasalanan ko yun kasi hindi naman ako nag-wish ng di maganda for them (except for one, na out of childishness ko lang naman sinabi and nun nagkatotoo, my conscience bothered me so much that I actually prayed for him for a year ‘til he passed that exam!). It’s not that I think am the one responsible for what happened, concerned lang din ako dun sa taong yun and nalungkot rin ako when I learned that he failed. Anyway, tapos na yun and am more careful now sa mga sinasabi ko (unless am really provoked at nataon na bad trip talaga ko!).

Then there come topics like sex. I’ve learned the basics sa school – how human beings procreate sa biology class nun high school and college; and even sa theology and sociology classes nun college (may theology kasi USTe ako nag-aral eh). It’s just that, the basics pero kanina, lumabas na naman pagiging inosente ko. Dahil nga birthday ko, nagprepare ng surprise gift yun friends ko (whom I need not name here dahil kilala naman nila mga sarili nila). Pina-abot nila sa isang officemate ko, nakabalot sa brown envelope. Dahil sobrang taas ng emotional quotient ko, dinala ko agad sa module ko at tiningnan kung ano yun laman. Pagbukas ko nun envelope nakita ko yun gift nila, kulay white na parang tube, around a foot ang haba, naka-plastic siya na transparent at nakabalot sa booklet na parang users’ manual. Nun binaligtad ko, nabasa ko yun label, “VIBRATOR.”

Nagsalubong na naman kilay ko at napakunot ang noo, “Huh?! Ano to?!” 

Tiningnan ko ulit yun label, tama naman ang basa ko, vibrator talaga nakasulat..meron pang mga sinasabi something like enjoy sex, use with or without partner, etc. Parang gusto kong magtago sa ilalim ng module ko (kaso di pwede, di ako kasya run eh!) sa shock!

“Bakit naman ganito binigay nila sa’kin? Anong gagawin ko rito? Ayaw ko nito!!!” kung anu-ano naisip ko, parang gusto ko na maiyak.

Text ako sa nagbigay, ask ko kung ano ba yun..sagot lang niya basta, buksan mo na ngayon. Then di talaga ko mapakali, tinawagan ko sa intercom..tawa lang nang tawa tapos sabi bababa siya sa room namin.

Dahil nga inaaway ko siya at sinasabi kong ayaw ko nun, habang lalo naman niya akong inaasar, na-curious tuloy yun mga kasama ko sa room at lahat sila nakatingin na sa amin at gusto nang buksan yun envelope (tinago ko kasi ulit yun sa loob ng envelope dahil baka may makakita). Di ko na alam kung ano yun mga nangyari kasi sobrang hiyang-hiya ako..basta nagtatawanan sila dahil nga nakalagay sa label vibrator tapos kanya-kanya silang comment like masyadong mahaba, bakit may kurdon at de-kuryente, etc. Then they finally opened the plastic bag and tore off the label tapos sabi nun isa sa akin “tange, pang-plantsa ng buhok yan oh!” Then they all burst out into roars of laughter!!! Feeling ko, na-drain lahat ng dugo ko nun mga oras na yun..parang talo ko pa ang nabiktima ng practical joke shows in nationwide tv like Yari Ka of Michael V or WoW Mali of Joey de Leon. Malay ko ba naman na hindi ganun yun itsura ng tunay na vibrator!!! Eh yun ang nakalagay na label eh.

Haay..loko yun mga yun ah! Pero gerls, salamat sa regalo..hehe..may mapaglilibangan ako pag walang magawa at bad trip ako sa hair ko. But for now, nagkakasundo pa kami ng buhok ko kasi matino pa siyang tingnan at konting suklay lang ayos na! Pero tuwa talaga ko run sa gift niyo (kasi hindi vibrator)!!!

Halimbawa lang naman yan ng mga bagay-bagay sa daigdig na hindi ko nalalaman. Pero in fairness, matured naman ako mag-isip pag dating sa ibang bagay – actually when it comes to more serious matters. Mukha lang siguro kong bata mag-inarte at magsalita pero seryoso naman akong mag-isip. Ewan, yun iba kasi galing ng packaging eh – todo poise at vigor magsalita pero pag inintindi ko kung ano sinasabi at ginagawa wala rin naman. Susme, nasa grade school pa lang ako alam ko nang maraming ganitong nilalang sa mundo! True enough, kahit saan nga meron mga ganitong tao. Sad to say, may dating pa rin talaga sa tao ang packaging (yeah, just consider that vibrator incident!) – kaya for many people, am just that innocent little girl na may pagka bratinela at walang pinuproblema at iniintindi sa buhay. Haay..if only they knew.. Kung seseryosohin ko lahat ng bagay at pangyayari sa paligid ko, baka di ko kayanin men! It’s either magmukha lang akong matanda o maging bitter ako sa mundo.. kaya I’m like this. Gusto ko kasi cute pa rin ako at ayaw ko naman maging bitter sa mundo..mawala na lahat ng virtues sa akin wag lang faith, hope and love. Come to think of it, everything else springs from these three.

At 27, marami pa rin akong gustong gawin sa life ko – things that I want to do for myself and not for anyone else. For the next 18 to 20 months, may commitment pa rin ako na gusto kong tapusin. After that, I can go on with my plans. I still want to go back to school; travel (whether alone or with someone); learn things like driving or playing a musical instrument; buy the things that I want (though I don’t need them that much); learn to love all over again.

It seems like by then pa lang magsisimula ang life ko. By then, I’ll be almost 29..for sure marami na akong kinaiinisang tao nun dahil sinasabihan akong mag-asawa na ko and all those sort of lines (ngayon pa lang nga medyo dumadami na sila eh!!). Pero as usual, tatawa na lang ako. Hindi rin naman kasi ganun kadali ang mag-asawa at magkaroon ng pamilya. There are a lot of things na dapat i-consider, hindi yun basta makapag-asawa lang. Pag dating sa ganitong usapan, hindi ako isip bata. Kahit nun teenage years ko, alam kong complicated thing ito kaya hindi rin ako basta pumapasok sa isang relationship. Seryoso ko rin inaral yun subject ko na marriage and the family (haha..binasa ko talaga yun family code noon) at siyempre nakikinig ako sa mga tips ng mga prof. at iba pang elderly people. Basta, bahala na sila kung ano sabihin nila! Ang mahalaga lang naman, wala akong niloloko, ginugulangan o ginagamit na tao. Most fulfilling pa rin yun at the end of the day meron kang peace of mind.

Twenty-seven is just two years past the quarter of a century. God willing, I’ll still leave through the second quarter or even beyond. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng gawin at matutunan. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng puntahan. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng makita at makilala. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng isulat. Sa ngayon, tutuldukan ko muna ang mga talang ito sa araw ng aking pagsilang. Sa muling pagkakataon, salamat sa mga kaibigan na bumati sa akin ng maligayang kaarawan!! Happy naman ako!

on courage and cowardice

often, we avoid the things of which we are afraid of because we think that there would be terrible consequences if we confront them. but more often, the really terrible consequence comes from avoiding the things that we need to face because we fail -- to learn, to grow, and to make a better person out of ourselves.

Wait Forever (Gary V.)

Standing on the great divide I feel the sudden need to fly

Underneath the open sky and the river down below

I could keep on running down

I could keep on cheating death and yet somehow

It all ends up the same and I don’t want to be the one who’s blamed

Can you see that i don’t really have a choice at all

If only for a taste flight; I’d gladly take the fall

So, I say I love you

I don’t wanna wait forever just to say, I need you

Doesn't even have to matter; if it really matter anything to you

I’d gladly take this ride as long as you are there on the other side

Not making sense at all of making sense of it all

So while i can, I’ll take the chance, I’m diving in

If it need be, i would die – to feel alive again

So, I say I love you

I don’t wanna wait forever just to say, I need you

Doesn't even have to matter; when I say I love you, yeah yeah

I’m falling like I've never done so before

I’m flying against the wind and here i go

So, I say I love you; 

I don’t wanna wait forever just to say, I need you 

I don’t wanna wait forever, no, oh oh (i say i love you)

So, while I can I’ll take the chance

So, I’ll say, I need you; doesn't even have to matter when i say…

I love you so (I love you), I need you

It doesn't really matter (no, it doesn't really matter)

If it really matters anything to you

I love you…

Did It Ever? In Another Lifetime, Even For A While

These songs from Gary V's album Relevance just make me teary-eyed **sniffs**

Did It Ever

Did it ever matter to you that I lost everything in this vain pursuit of finding you?

Did it ever come to you that I’d do anything just to find a way to be with you?

I've tried so hard to believe everything you said, though I know that they were only lies

Never should I ever have closed my eyes; But now you’re trying to slowly bring me down

Maybe you've been lying with all the words you said about..

Believing in things like magic and all that stuff

And now I know in real life true love is always enough

Oh baby, no please, don’t let it end this way

Perhaps you’d see how much I need you to stay

Did you ever comprehend that I can only wait for this to end but not until it’s too late?

Oh, did you ever realize all that I've been through; all those things that I've sacrificed all for love for you?

I should have known before; I never should have asked for more

But if I could only make you see, all I wanted was for you to be here with me

But now you’re trying to slowly bring me down; maybe you’ve been lying with all the words you said about..

Believing in things like magic and all that stuff

And now I know in real life true love is always enough

Oh baby, no please, don’t let it end this way

Perhaps you’d see how much I need you to stay

Even for a while

Why do hearts feel the way they do

Why does mine wanna say that I love you

‘Til the end of time; ‘til I lose my mind

‘Til it’s over and left so far behind

I just can’t keep it all inside

So unbelievable how much I’ve tried

Yet I call for you; I long for you

And I say the words I wish you’d want to hear

Though you’re never near

Our hearts and though they beat as one

But time, the time for us will never come

So I, just go on and just remember

Those eyes that look right through my heart

The smile that shows what’s in you

That makes me wanna cry

‘Cause I know I’ll never have you even for a while

Now all is said and done it seems

I keep remembering what I would call a dream

Where you came true for a minute or two

That was all the time it took to make me know you had to go

Our hearts and though they beat as one

But time, the time for us will never come

So I, just go on and just remember

Those eyes that look right through my heart

The smile that shows what’s in you

That makes me wanna cry

‘Cause I know I’ll never have you

And I know I’ll never have you

Even for a while

In another lifetime

I could hold on for a hundred years

When all else is gone, I would still be here

In a memory of things yet unseen

I’d remember all that we've never been

And I cannot wait to see

What life has in store for me

In another lifetime, it would be forever

In another world where you and I could be together

In another set of chances I’d take the one’s I've missed and

make you mine if only for a time my life would matter

In another life

And I’d stay as strong and I’d stay as true

And you’d have forever now to think it through

‘Coz I do believe what wasn't meant to be

Wasn't meant for now and someday you’ll see

In a place and time we never knew

I’d be standing there waiting for you

In another lifetime, it would be forever

In another world where you and I could be together

In another set of chances I’d take the one’s I've missed and

make you mine if only for a time my life would matter

In another life

You would be mine

But until that time is now, I’d be holding on somehow

In another lifetime, it would be forever

In another world where you and I could be together

In another set of chances I’d take the one’s I've missed and

make you mine if only for a time my life would matter

But until that time, I’ll be holding on to forever

Until another life