Sometimes all you can give is love

Sometimes all you have is not enough



Sometimes life is like a dream

Sometimes dreams aren't what they seem



Sometimes laughter can heal your heart

Sometimes it's laughter that breaks it apart



Sometimes the world goes faster than you can go

Sometimes even fast is still too slow



Sometimes going home is the only thing on your mind

Sometimes home is the only place you can't find



Sometimes you are too tired to sleep

Sometimes you are too sad to weep



Sometimes freedom holds you back

Sometimes a wedding dress is black



Sometimes loneliness is what you need

Sometimes there's a harvest without a seed



Sometimes darkness can be too bright

Sometimes rain gives you delight



Sometimes you think you understand

Sometimes you know you really can't



Sometimes what sets you free are restrictions

Sometimes what makes most sense are contradictions

4.G.2.22.2000

Just another of those "I found this stuff in my old journal" things...

How I wish that you were my brother; that we were raised up in the same home. That way, I can hug you and kiss you…no one would ever bother anyway.

How I wish that you were my brother; and that each day you’ll take me home. We can sleep together and your loving hand will caress me when I feel blue…no one would ever bother anyway.

How I wish that you were my brother; that I have known you long ago. I would have known everything about you, I can be with you everyday, and even know each girl that pass you way... no one would ever bother anyway.

How I wish that you were my brother; that I’m your little sister whom you care for. And I can hold your hand or hold on to your arm as we walk along the way…no one would ever bother anyway.

If you were my brother, I can kiss you, but too long—you would wonder; I can hug you, but not too tight—you’d want to go; and yes, I can cry on your shoulder and you’d comfort me to ease the pain then suddenly pass me to mommy and tell me that she, more than anyone can understand my sorrow (truth is, you just don’t want me to ruin your attire for a date).

If you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, and I’ve known you since we’re little kids then, I will miss the feeling of being lifted in the air with every little thing that I discover about you. Though I can hold your hand, one day you’ll pull it off to hold another girl. If we’ve been together since I was born then one day, you’ll leave our home to build your own with another girl.

I you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, we’d be of one flesh and one blood; then, what I’m feeling now would all be wrong.

 “GLAD THAT I’M A STRANGER!”


/April 22, 2000

My mind drifts away and my head seems to float. I feel like I am being lifted in the air, yeah, it’s like I’m flying…I am afraid to close my eyes for I feel like my soul will move out of my body. I roam around and feign some smile, talked with people trying to listen intently so as not to forget what they are saying. Perhaps I really need to rest, but I don’t want to. Staying home alone only make me feel lonelier. It just gives me ample time to think about those things that I still refuse to remember. I just want to forget it all. I spent last night half awake and half asleep until the dawn. Do I sound like I’m drugged or something? Don’t get me wrong. Yeah, I am under the influence—not of illegal drugs of course (that’s the least possible thing that I’d resort to). I still feel sick after four days of rest. Well, I thought I’m already well yesterday, but perhaps the weather that suddenly changed from sunny to some rainfall in mid-day caused my system to break again. One reason why I don’t like taking medications is that it makes me feel this way; makes me feel drifting with the wind. I wish I could actually do that—to stay away from people who make me feel sad. It makes me sad, realizing that it’s really harmful for me to easily trust people. I don’t know why I do trust people way quite easily, but now I am reminded that I have to think it over again. Sometimes I wonder why there are people like them. I wish they’d just stay away from me. But they do exist; they do come along. Maybe I just feel disappointed—with my self.

If only people never started pretending that they care, it could have been better. It hurts when you start to feel that after all, everything is just a game. What hurts you more is the feeling that in this game, you are neither the winner nor the loser—you are not a player, but a mere toy. Day in and day out you live in maze of confusions and delusions that cloud your vision and judgment. You weep, you feel sad, you want to scream all the way but these things just can’t help enough to remove the unbearable pain. If only people just let me live my life alone and never dared to barge into my world, I could have been happier. There is a huge difference between being alone and feeling alone, but the latter bring more pain. What is even more painful is when one brave soul comes along when all the while you’re completely contented with your life. Suddenly, you’ll have the courage to go out of your comfort zone, believing that this person will guide and support you through the complexities of life, only to be disillusioned to find yourself hanging alone in a maze created by your own delusions. You try to convince yourself that it’s not worth the tears, but that fact alone makes you feel all more distressed.



I just feel totally dazed by the things that went through. Perhaps there are just some basic facts that I cannot accept, things that I refuse to remember but cannot forget, challenges that I have to face but am so afraid to. I hate feeling this way. A friend from another blog is talking about remembering how to feel after "unfeeling" for a long time. Now, I want to feel that "unfeeling." I don't know, I just feel so confused. I wish I could talk with a friend, but maybe it's not the brightest idea for it just made me feel all the more sad realizing that this friend of mine has his own life to spend all twenty four hours of everyday.



I only wish one thing for now...

Whew! Exactly a month before 24 (yep, coz it's 11:35 am right now).



Nothing. I don't want to think of anything for now.