Who wants to be a parent?!?

I’ve come across this list for several times and each time I do, I can’t help but laugh while imagining each item. For the ones who are planning to be a parent, read this list and see if you really are ready to become one. For those who presently have little angels, read this list to prepare yourself for the ‘joys’ of your new life as a parent. For those who managed to raise up their kids and hold on to their precious sanity, read this list and give yourself a pat on your shoulder for successfully doing so. For those who don’t have children, read this list and perhaps you’ll think that it is something to thank for. Finally, for those who want to have one but still haven’t found the other parent of their babies..uhh..that’s another story..just read this list and see the truth wrapped in humor. Whoever said that preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery is correct. Of course I am not saying this based on my own experience as a parent but somehow I’ve got to feel how it is to take care of those creatures called babies. When my Ate gave birth to my nephew, I told myself that he’s such a handsome and adorable little angel. Now that Jonathan is almost a year and three months old, I dare say that this list makes sense.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of baby food and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the baby food are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12) Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirtsleeve or elbow. Pretend that that is normal. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

13) Pick a day in which you have an important meeting. Put on your finest work attire. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it. Stir. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel. Do NOT change. You have no time. Go directly to work.

14) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, Dora, Disneyland and Cartoon Network. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you..." at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!

There it is, plus a lot more! Pero siyemps, part lang naman yan ng joys of parenthood. Pwede rin joys of having an apo (sa mga lolo at lola) or in my case ay pamangkin. Nakaka-aliw na nakakapagod. Masakit sa katawan (lalo na sa braso), lalo na kapag namamasyal kayo at ang gusto lang niya ay magpakarga o kaya magpahabol sa’yo habang naglalakad siya kung saan-saan! Pero oks lang, isang cutie smile lang niya or giggles at hug ayos na..at siyempre alam ko kasing kapag tired na ako pwede ko na siyang ibalik sa mga magulang niya! Hehehehe..