chasing and running from that one thing called love #5

Para kang foreign language, ang hirap basahin, ang hirap ispellengin, ang hirap intindihin. Ito na nga kasi yun ayaw ko sa history repeats itself na ito. I would like to think that you are different, pero sa ngayon ang labo lang talaga.

So I guess I will just leave it that way, no more moves kasi nakakapagod na rin. Pero more than being tired, I am afraid of once again feeling left in limbo. I can already sense that familiar tinge of pain that I do not want to go through again. Ang hirap lang ng situation na ganito, I just feel lost -- parang hide and seek sa kadiliman ng gabi, paghahanap ng daan pauwi kung malayo sa EDSA, o haring chess piece na single steps kung gumalaw pero sa pag-checkmate naman hindi rin maka-isa. 

Pero bakit ko pa ba pahihirapan ang sarili ko kaiisip sa iyo? Why do I care about you anyway? Why am I concerned of what they say about you or of their judgment of you? Kailangan bang i-explain yun? I guess it is better to ask, pwede nga bang ipaliwanag 'yun? Can things like that be rationalized? Parang hindi ko na kayang ipaliwanag, baka hindi pa lang tamang oras; or baka mas tama yun hindi lang ikaw ang tamang tao. 

Sana kasi mas simple na lang ang life -- 'yun hindi kailangan makipag taguan, hindi kailangan makipaghulaan, hindi kailangan manimbang kung lalapit ka ba o lalayo. Bakit ba kasi ginagawang complicated ang mga bagay-bagay? Mas madali naman ang lumayo o umiwas na lang para wala nang usapan at hindi na rin ako mahirapan. Siguro nga chicken pa rin ako pagdating sa bagay na ito. Sinubukan ko naman eh, pero ang labo lang talaga, hindi kita ma-gets. Pero instead na problemahin ko pa, iisipin ko na lang na it's not meant to be. At kung totoo man ang sinasabi ni Daddy D about destiny, malamang hindi lang talaga ikaw 'yun para sa akin...kasi kung ikaw 'yun hindi siguro ganito. Hindi naman ako naging sobrang samang tao to not deserve being happy and loved.

I will find my own happiness. I will find someone who will be happy with me. I will find someone who will not make me feel unlovable; someone with whom I can grow up and grow old with -- 'yun walang confusions kasi we both know how to communicate with each other. I will find that one man who deserves my full trust, confidence and genuine respect; someone with whom I will not be afraid of expressing love in all ways possible. When that day comes, I will be joyful and content, not because of a fairy tale-like story of living happily ever after, but because I know I am with a man who is man enough to dare to know me beyond what is superficial. Yes, I will find that man whom my future daughter described in my eulogy; someone who will discover that behind the often intimidating facade is a girl who is sweet, thoughtful and loving; a man who will advise our son to find a girl with a character like their mom. In due time, I will be with that one guy whom I will love and care for until my last breath.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #4

"Huwag mo nang habulin ang mga taong walang paki-alam sa iyo. There are those special people who love you for you, learn to appreciate and treasure them instead" a friend from high school posted on facebook.

Kung logic lang ang gagamitin, ito na siguro ang pinaka logical na gawin. Pero, ganun na naman ba ang gagawin ko? Alam mo yun umiiwas ka na masaktan pero ganun din pala yun ending? Sabi nga, you cannot expect a different outcome if you are doing the same things over and over again. So, what now? Sabi ni Daddy D kanina sa akin, 'wag ko na raw kontrahin and just let it come if it does..kesyo I can't run away from destiny raw.

Going back to my last post, 'yun pag hiling ng signs on what to do, bakit kasi kung kailan last stretch tsaka pa biglang hahabol? Alam mo 'yun feeling na paalis ka na sana kasi absent yun teacher tapos biglang darating? Dalawang beses na yun...now, should I give in one more try? First to make three ba dapat? 

chasing and running from that one thing called love #3

What if you've asked for signs then when you had one, you still cannot fully believe it? Is it okay to ask for a second one? How about a third one? Or do you need all three - just like what they say in case of bad luck -- that it comes in threes?

What if somehow you thought of doing otherwise? Are you going to do it right away, or would you rather wait for the second and third sign?

What if still, something inside tells you to give it a try and just act on the first one?

chasing and running from that one thing called love #2

staring into nothing, trying to feel numb about what I am feeling, 

i wish that the waiting and searching would soon end

i guess it is the only way to put an end to something 

that has never started in the first place

i will close my eyes now and in my slumber

may i be granted with wisdom and discernment

to recognize answers

and may the answers lead to enlightenment 

chasing and running from that one thing called love #1

the feeling when you feel like your heart skipped a bit when you see him glance at you
the feeling of wanting to touch him, to reach for him and hug him -- but you cannot
that spark in his eyes and the smile on his lips -- you wonder if it were real or imagined
the thought of looking into those eyes as it draws nearer and nearer to yours
the thought of having those lips touch yours as you close your eyes to savor the feeling
the agony of thinking why are you thinking and feeling this way
the fear of falling into the same cycle again