chasing and running from that one thing called love #5

Para kang foreign language, ang hirap basahin, ang hirap ispellengin, ang hirap intindihin. Ito na nga kasi yun ayaw ko sa history repeats itself na ito. I would like to think that you are different, pero sa ngayon ang labo lang talaga.

So I guess I will just leave it that way, no more moves kasi nakakapagod na rin. Pero more than being tired, I am afraid of once again feeling left in limbo. I can already sense that familiar tinge of pain that I do not want to go through again. Ang hirap lang ng situation na ganito, I just feel lost -- parang hide and seek sa kadiliman ng gabi, paghahanap ng daan pauwi kung malayo sa EDSA, o haring chess piece na single steps kung gumalaw pero sa pag-checkmate naman hindi rin maka-isa. 

Pero bakit ko pa ba pahihirapan ang sarili ko kaiisip sa iyo? Why do I care about you anyway? Why am I concerned of what they say about you or of their judgment of you? Kailangan bang i-explain yun? I guess it is better to ask, pwede nga bang ipaliwanag 'yun? Can things like that be rationalized? Parang hindi ko na kayang ipaliwanag, baka hindi pa lang tamang oras; or baka mas tama yun hindi lang ikaw ang tamang tao. 

Sana kasi mas simple na lang ang life -- 'yun hindi kailangan makipag taguan, hindi kailangan makipaghulaan, hindi kailangan manimbang kung lalapit ka ba o lalayo. Bakit ba kasi ginagawang complicated ang mga bagay-bagay? Mas madali naman ang lumayo o umiwas na lang para wala nang usapan at hindi na rin ako mahirapan. Siguro nga chicken pa rin ako pagdating sa bagay na ito. Sinubukan ko naman eh, pero ang labo lang talaga, hindi kita ma-gets. Pero instead na problemahin ko pa, iisipin ko na lang na it's not meant to be. At kung totoo man ang sinasabi ni Daddy D about destiny, malamang hindi lang talaga ikaw 'yun para sa akin...kasi kung ikaw 'yun hindi siguro ganito. Hindi naman ako naging sobrang samang tao to not deserve being happy and loved.

I will find my own happiness. I will find someone who will be happy with me. I will find someone who will not make me feel unlovable; someone with whom I can grow up and grow old with -- 'yun walang confusions kasi we both know how to communicate with each other. I will find that one man who deserves my full trust, confidence and genuine respect; someone with whom I will not be afraid of expressing love in all ways possible. When that day comes, I will be joyful and content, not because of a fairy tale-like story of living happily ever after, but because I know I am with a man who is man enough to dare to know me beyond what is superficial. Yes, I will find that man whom my future daughter described in my eulogy; someone who will discover that behind the often intimidating facade is a girl who is sweet, thoughtful and loving; a man who will advise our son to find a girl with a character like their mom. In due time, I will be with that one guy whom I will love and care for until my last breath.