soul speak

It’s a special holiday, in commemoration of the first EDSA revolution. Haven’t read the papers nor watched the TV, but I could just imagine how they do it there…well, perhaps with a mass at the EDSA shrine, people gathering under the massive blocks of concrete bridges aka the flyovers, and the MRT along Ortigas Avenue corner EDSA. They refer to it as people’s power, we’ve been proud of it -- it made the Philippines world-renowned for it was a bloodless revolution.

I was only six years old when that happened, less than two months before I completed my Kindergarten. All I know was that there were no classes, and as I’ve heard from grown-ups and the radio, and seen on TV, there were lots and lots of people who gathered there. There were soldiers, I know for lots of my neighbors are soldiers and employees of Camp Aguinaldo. Perhaps that’s why they called it people’s power.

And then, fourteen years after, came what is now dubbed as EDSA Dos. That time, I’m already aware of what’s going on. I have even become an avid watcher of the impeachment trial. I didn’t went to EDSA though. Then came EDSA Tres…I’ve seen it in TV. I’ve seen how ill-tempered people marched towards Malacañang Palace to oust the newly-sworn President. I’ve seen how some of them ruined lots of properties and burned media vehicles. I’ve seen how some media people were hit by flying stones (which made me thank God that I didn’t pursue on taking Journalism as my undergrad). I’ve seen how groups of people were transported to the site in trucks like they were refugees (even wondered if they know where they were going and what is the purpose of going there). I’ve seen how divided the nation has become.

It made me sad, I cried at night. Perhaps I am one of those poor souls who happened to be much affected by what is happening in this country. I do believe that what happened in those three EDSA revolutions are manifestations of how God works in ways we can never comprehend without faith. It doesn't matter whether we call it EDSA ng Masa or EDSA ng Elitista or EDSA ni Maria, for these terms are all meaningless. People’s Power is actually God’s Power, and we ought to give Him back all the glory due to Him alone and not to the Masa nor the Elitista.

I hate divisiveness. I hate illogical thinking. Am I too idealistic? Am I too sensitive? Or am I insensitive? All I know is that I love my country, and I believe that God has planned something great for this little land. Now before I go deeper, have to cut this now.

Tomorrow will be another busy day. I’ve lined up my targets and marked my deadlines.

First destination: the National Bureau of Investigation, to apply for a clearance (uhmm...what if I have a pending criminal case??? Shocks! Wala naman siguro akong kapangalan?!) and have a drug test (well, uh, pretty sure I’ll pass this, unless they consider coca cola as a prohibited substance…nyehehe!).

Letters, letters, letters…one for Cheche Lazaro, one for Winnie Monsod... Research, speech/talking points, some follow-ups, etc, etc…

Then, I’ll be the documentor for a consultation on Thursday and Friday. Am quite nervous but at the same time excited for this will be my first time to do this for a big gathering, and the fact that this is also the first time that I’ll work with these people in that setting.

Thanks to CJ my hero, for boosting my morale! Sabi nga eh, there’s no water so troubled that doesn’t end up by becoming still. Everyday has always been a challenge, and I have lived that way ever since. There have been lots of struggles but I’ve managed to survive all those things. I am not proud though, I know I still need lots of polishing, I still have a lot of things to refine within me. Perhaps there are people who are against me for one thing or another, or for none at all (parang, wala lang, ayaw lang nila sa akin), but what can I do? At the early age of five years old, I’ve realized that I just cannot please everyone; and I’ve never dared try to do that again--not for fear of failing, but with due respect for each one’s right to his/her choice and opinion. Yep, it hurts to be rejected, to be wrongly accused or judged, it is uneasy to be put to test, to be scrutinized, but with an open mind, a willing hand, a forgiving soul, and a humble heart that adores God, everything works together for good. Surely I can do all things for in Him Who is the source of my strength, I have strength for everything.

Changes

“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps, it crept to one’s side like an old friend though quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps…perhaps…love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.”

After juggling through projects upon projects, hanging out and working with friends, dealing with those old folks, meeting new acquaintances, reconnecting with old friends, going through the valentine madness, getting the final verdict, trudging along the paths I used to walk through and noticing how a lot of things have changed, I am still looking forward to changes.

CJ has always been supportive, if not for those assuring and inspiring messages, I could have gone insane. Perhaps I have really been busy with things in this world, perhaps I should talk to CJ more often.

I’ve been surrounded by lots of negative waves the past weeks, need to guard my self. I know I’ve been so moody the past weeks that I easily get cranky. I just hate it when AJ tease me about that person, I really don’t like it. I respect and regard that person as a nice colleague and I don’t want that to be tinted with blots of malicious thinking. Sorry to name names here but I just want to carve my point. The thing is a lot of realizations are floating inside my mind. Maybe I’ve reached the point when I got tired of just accepting the differences between me and my colleagues, and try to ask why we can’t seem to work it out so that the differences are neutralized. NO, I do not mean barging into each one’s individuality, what I mean is that why can’t we learn to adjust, to just bend our own ego a little to give way to other’s sensitivity? I just get frustrated by the fact that things are falling apart…is this a downside effect of the coming war? I wonder. Or should we just say that mahilig lang talaga akong mag-isip. Parang kung anu-ano ang pinu-problema ko. Also realized that I’ve been so makulit lately.

Good thing that finally, I went out with my college friends yesterday…just walked around UST, finally got hold of the Thomasian 2000, met Rachael at Colayco Park, had lunch at Wendy’s, bum around the pergola in front of St. Raymund’s Building hoping that Milette can gat a glimpse of big bird, eating fishballs at the Coop, strolling at SM Manila and finally, going home so sleepy that I napped in the FX!

On the lighter side, been having fun thinking about Maples lately. How I wish to touch those cute cheeks…red and smooth…if only I could… ayaw ko na!!! Di ko na kaya ang kalokohang ito! hahaha...

Milette said Maples looks like Muymoy…I said, “waaaag…mong laiitin yun…” Now I wonder what will my Mama Luwi say about Maples, and also the other Big Bs. I also wonder what Sansu and Kat will say, the way they criticize my ever crushie, Geribear -- I can imagine my self having to close my eyes and accept that all those bashings are true -- BUT WHAT THE HECK? I like him, and if they could only realize that no amount of bashing can make me change my mind or even consider changing my mind about liking him perhaps they would stop adding salt and lemon to my wounded ego. Have a problem though, I do not know if Maples is already taken, if yes, then, uh oh…he’ll just be another page in my ex-crushes’ diary, but if not yet, uh…will he like me too? Perhaps he finds me so childish for him. What if he finds me flirt or domineering because of my having to joke about liking him? I just couldn’t accept being branded as such for I am not. It’s just that…okay, if only I could explain that it’s just the farthest that I can go, that the mere thought of being involved with a guy makes me shiver with mixed excitement and fear. Excitement for having to step through another way, that is having commitment with the guy whom I like, and I emphasize commitment WITH, meaning it’s two-way, and when I say commitment, I seriously mean it. But I am also afraid of a lot of things. Afraid that after years of guarding my heart from the harsh consequences of love and relationship, I would end up crying like all those friends of mine whom I thank a lot for telling me their sad love stories, which turned me into a philophobic girl. Okay, fine, I admit, doesn’t always end like that BUT, what if…I don’t really know what to do, perhaps when the right time comes, I’ll be ready for all those things, but duh! It seems like the waiting tortures me more than enough. Mikee says I should be happy about it, that I am one of those lucky creatures who happened to have not experienced tremendous pain from falling in love, no make it falling in like in my case. She also stressed the importance of waiting for the right one…well, I have to admit that I believe in that thing BUT then again, how will I know? Maybe, all these thoughts will just pass, like the all the others, well in time, maybe I just find it nice to have Maples to think about when I get frustrated with my work, rather than remembering my guilt trips early this year. If there’s one good thing that liking Maples has brought to me, it’s finding my self laughing and smiling despite all the headaches that I am going through, BUT then again, I don’t want to see my self falling head first unto Maples for I know he’ll not catch me…and so the cycle goes…

Kaya siguro laging sinasabi ni CJ na matigas ang ulo ko. Sorry CJ, tiyak na magre-react ka na naman eh. And I thank you for your patience in watching me and helping me grow on my own. Matulog muna kaya ako? Siguro, paggising ko iba na naman ang mood ko…Makita ko kaya si Maples bukas ng umaga? Hmmm...on the second thought, si Geribear pa rin ang gusto ko!