Changes

“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps, it crept to one’s side like an old friend though quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps…perhaps…love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.”

After juggling through projects upon projects, hanging out and working with friends, dealing with those old folks, meeting new acquaintances, reconnecting with old friends, going through the valentine madness, getting the final verdict, trudging along the paths I used to walk through and noticing how a lot of things have changed, I am still looking forward to changes.

CJ has always been supportive, if not for those assuring and inspiring messages, I could have gone insane. Perhaps I have really been busy with things in this world, perhaps I should talk to CJ more often.

I’ve been surrounded by lots of negative waves the past weeks, need to guard my self. I know I’ve been so moody the past weeks that I easily get cranky. I just hate it when AJ tease me about that person, I really don’t like it. I respect and regard that person as a nice colleague and I don’t want that to be tinted with blots of malicious thinking. Sorry to name names here but I just want to carve my point. The thing is a lot of realizations are floating inside my mind. Maybe I’ve reached the point when I got tired of just accepting the differences between me and my colleagues, and try to ask why we can’t seem to work it out so that the differences are neutralized. NO, I do not mean barging into each one’s individuality, what I mean is that why can’t we learn to adjust, to just bend our own ego a little to give way to other’s sensitivity? I just get frustrated by the fact that things are falling apart…is this a downside effect of the coming war? I wonder. Or should we just say that mahilig lang talaga akong mag-isip. Parang kung anu-ano ang pinu-problema ko. Also realized that I’ve been so makulit lately.

Good thing that finally, I went out with my college friends yesterday…just walked around UST, finally got hold of the Thomasian 2000, met Rachael at Colayco Park, had lunch at Wendy’s, bum around the pergola in front of St. Raymund’s Building hoping that Milette can gat a glimpse of big bird, eating fishballs at the Coop, strolling at SM Manila and finally, going home so sleepy that I napped in the FX!

On the lighter side, been having fun thinking about Maples lately. How I wish to touch those cute cheeks…red and smooth…if only I could… ayaw ko na!!! Di ko na kaya ang kalokohang ito! hahaha...

Milette said Maples looks like Muymoy…I said, “waaaag…mong laiitin yun…” Now I wonder what will my Mama Luwi say about Maples, and also the other Big Bs. I also wonder what Sansu and Kat will say, the way they criticize my ever crushie, Geribear -- I can imagine my self having to close my eyes and accept that all those bashings are true -- BUT WHAT THE HECK? I like him, and if they could only realize that no amount of bashing can make me change my mind or even consider changing my mind about liking him perhaps they would stop adding salt and lemon to my wounded ego. Have a problem though, I do not know if Maples is already taken, if yes, then, uh oh…he’ll just be another page in my ex-crushes’ diary, but if not yet, uh…will he like me too? Perhaps he finds me so childish for him. What if he finds me flirt or domineering because of my having to joke about liking him? I just couldn’t accept being branded as such for I am not. It’s just that…okay, if only I could explain that it’s just the farthest that I can go, that the mere thought of being involved with a guy makes me shiver with mixed excitement and fear. Excitement for having to step through another way, that is having commitment with the guy whom I like, and I emphasize commitment WITH, meaning it’s two-way, and when I say commitment, I seriously mean it. But I am also afraid of a lot of things. Afraid that after years of guarding my heart from the harsh consequences of love and relationship, I would end up crying like all those friends of mine whom I thank a lot for telling me their sad love stories, which turned me into a philophobic girl. Okay, fine, I admit, doesn’t always end like that BUT, what if…I don’t really know what to do, perhaps when the right time comes, I’ll be ready for all those things, but duh! It seems like the waiting tortures me more than enough. Mikee says I should be happy about it, that I am one of those lucky creatures who happened to have not experienced tremendous pain from falling in love, no make it falling in like in my case. She also stressed the importance of waiting for the right one…well, I have to admit that I believe in that thing BUT then again, how will I know? Maybe, all these thoughts will just pass, like the all the others, well in time, maybe I just find it nice to have Maples to think about when I get frustrated with my work, rather than remembering my guilt trips early this year. If there’s one good thing that liking Maples has brought to me, it’s finding my self laughing and smiling despite all the headaches that I am going through, BUT then again, I don’t want to see my self falling head first unto Maples for I know he’ll not catch me…and so the cycle goes…

Kaya siguro laging sinasabi ni CJ na matigas ang ulo ko. Sorry CJ, tiyak na magre-react ka na naman eh. And I thank you for your patience in watching me and helping me grow on my own. Matulog muna kaya ako? Siguro, paggising ko iba na naman ang mood ko…Makita ko kaya si Maples bukas ng umaga? Hmmm...on the second thought, si Geribear pa rin ang gusto ko!