4.G.2.22.2000

Just another of those "I found this stuff in my old journal" things...

How I wish that you were my brother; that we were raised up in the same home. That way, I can hug you and kiss you…no one would ever bother anyway.

How I wish that you were my brother; and that each day you’ll take me home. We can sleep together and your loving hand will caress me when I feel blue…no one would ever bother anyway.

How I wish that you were my brother; that I have known you long ago. I would have known everything about you, I can be with you everyday, and even know each girl that pass you way... no one would ever bother anyway.

How I wish that you were my brother; that I’m your little sister whom you care for. And I can hold your hand or hold on to your arm as we walk along the way…no one would ever bother anyway.

If you were my brother, I can kiss you, but too long—you would wonder; I can hug you, but not too tight—you’d want to go; and yes, I can cry on your shoulder and you’d comfort me to ease the pain then suddenly pass me to mommy and tell me that she, more than anyone can understand my sorrow (truth is, you just don’t want me to ruin your attire for a date).

If you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, and I’ve known you since we’re little kids then, I will miss the feeling of being lifted in the air with every little thing that I discover about you. Though I can hold your hand, one day you’ll pull it off to hold another girl. If we’ve been together since I was born then one day, you’ll leave our home to build your own with another girl.

I you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, we’d be of one flesh and one blood; then, what I’m feeling now would all be wrong.

 “GLAD THAT I’M A STRANGER!”


/April 22, 2000

My mind drifts away and my head seems to float. I feel like I am being lifted in the air, yeah, it’s like I’m flying…I am afraid to close my eyes for I feel like my soul will move out of my body. I roam around and feign some smile, talked with people trying to listen intently so as not to forget what they are saying. Perhaps I really need to rest, but I don’t want to. Staying home alone only make me feel lonelier. It just gives me ample time to think about those things that I still refuse to remember. I just want to forget it all. I spent last night half awake and half asleep until the dawn. Do I sound like I’m drugged or something? Don’t get me wrong. Yeah, I am under the influence—not of illegal drugs of course (that’s the least possible thing that I’d resort to). I still feel sick after four days of rest. Well, I thought I’m already well yesterday, but perhaps the weather that suddenly changed from sunny to some rainfall in mid-day caused my system to break again. One reason why I don’t like taking medications is that it makes me feel this way; makes me feel drifting with the wind. I wish I could actually do that—to stay away from people who make me feel sad. It makes me sad, realizing that it’s really harmful for me to easily trust people. I don’t know why I do trust people way quite easily, but now I am reminded that I have to think it over again. Sometimes I wonder why there are people like them. I wish they’d just stay away from me. But they do exist; they do come along. Maybe I just feel disappointed—with my self.

If only people never started pretending that they care, it could have been better. It hurts when you start to feel that after all, everything is just a game. What hurts you more is the feeling that in this game, you are neither the winner nor the loser—you are not a player, but a mere toy. Day in and day out you live in maze of confusions and delusions that cloud your vision and judgment. You weep, you feel sad, you want to scream all the way but these things just can’t help enough to remove the unbearable pain. If only people just let me live my life alone and never dared to barge into my world, I could have been happier. There is a huge difference between being alone and feeling alone, but the latter bring more pain. What is even more painful is when one brave soul comes along when all the while you’re completely contented with your life. Suddenly, you’ll have the courage to go out of your comfort zone, believing that this person will guide and support you through the complexities of life, only to be disillusioned to find yourself hanging alone in a maze created by your own delusions. You try to convince yourself that it’s not worth the tears, but that fact alone makes you feel all more distressed.



I just feel totally dazed by the things that went through. Perhaps there are just some basic facts that I cannot accept, things that I refuse to remember but cannot forget, challenges that I have to face but am so afraid to. I hate feeling this way. A friend from another blog is talking about remembering how to feel after "unfeeling" for a long time. Now, I want to feel that "unfeeling." I don't know, I just feel so confused. I wish I could talk with a friend, but maybe it's not the brightest idea for it just made me feel all the more sad realizing that this friend of mine has his own life to spend all twenty four hours of everyday.



I only wish one thing for now...

Whew! Exactly a month before 24 (yep, coz it's 11:35 am right now).



Nothing. I don't want to think of anything for now.

An interesting stuff:



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

L o V e ? ? ?



Are your palms sweaty? Is your heart raising? And is your voice caught within your chest?



It isn’t love, it’s like.



You can’t keep your eyes off her/him, am I right?



It isn’t love, it’s lust.



Are you proud and eager to show her/him off?



It isn’t love, it’s luck.



Do you want her/him because you know s/he’s there?



It isn’t love, it’s loneliness.



Are you there because it’s what everyone wants?



It isn’t love, it’s loyalty.



Do you want to stay for her/his confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt her/him?



It isn’t love, it’s pity.



Do you belong to her because her/his sight makes your heart skip a beat?



It isn’t love, it’s infatuation.



Are you there because s/he kissed you or held your hand?



It isn’t love, it’s confidence.



Do you pardon her/his faults because you care about her/him?



It isn’t love, it’s friendship.



Do you tell her/him everyday s/he is the only one you think of?



It isn’t love, it’s lie.



Are you willing to give up all your favorite things for her/his like?



It isn’t love, it’s charity.





But, do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and hold you?



Does you heart ache and break when s/he’s sad?



Do you cry for her/his pain, even when s/he’s strong?



Do you accept her/his faults because it’s part of who s/he is?



Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret?



Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply, it hurts?



Would you give your heart, your life, your death?



…then, it’s LOVE.

25 Things that make my toes tingle, my heart flutter, and my face glow with happiness



1. A good book.

2. A good conversation.

3. A hand-written snail-mail.

4. A long distance phone call.

5. A special glance.

6. Chocolait.

7. Chocolate cake.

8. Chocolate sundae.

9. Double Dutch.

10. Elmo of Sesame Street.

11. Falling in love.

12. Friends.

13. Having someone play with my hair.

14. Having someone sing songs for me.

15. Holding hands with someone I care about.

16. Hot bath.

17. Lying in bed while listening to the rain outside.

18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

19. Nice music.

20. No traffic along España.

21. Running into old friends/acquaintances.

22. Teddy bears.

23. Text messages.

24. The beach.

25. Yoot Tower.

Bz, bz, bz… need some break. One of the Bs from the other blog invited me to join them on a night out…wink*, wink* let’s see.



Just crossed my mind to blog while listening to Gary V’s rendition of I Will Be Here, from his album, Revive. I just love this collection.



Am turning twenty-four next month…whew! Where will I spend my birthday kaya? La la la la la… It’ll be a Saturday, last year’s a Friday and I went out with some friends, ate some chicken at Mc Donald’s then drunk my first bottle of beer at cravings (yeah, my first and it’s San Mig Light). I plan to take my birthday leave Monday after my birthday (yipeeee!!! am taking a leave!!!!).

"The art of love is largely the art of persistence."