Dear . . .

     I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. Many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. I get up each morning hoping, dreaming, longing to meet you. I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you were here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions. Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known "love". I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person.... and since I have not found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is!

     You just don't know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways!

     I don't really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me --- the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice.

     After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect --- for YOU! I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you've been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don't ever give up because I am right here... patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds by my love.

     At night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait. And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life --- and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you!

     In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me .

     I posted this letter in another blog on October 23, 2002 but I forgot to include a waiver saying something like it wasn't me who wrote this letter. Well, it's just one of those mushy thingy forwards from an e-group. I posted this on my other blog...maybe because it hit me...I don't know, I am just a dreamer...

Life of a Broken-hearted Bum

Still bumming around...Oh, how can I tell him about this feeling? Why do I have to fall in love with a guy na friend lang naman ang tingin sa akin? Bakit kailangan kong pigilin ang sarili ko na ipaalam sa kanya na nasasaktan ako? Bakit kasi ako nasasaktan? Hindi naman dapat, wala naman akong karapatan masaktan..hindi naman kami eh..kaibigan lang naman ako..isa lang ako sa napakarami niyang kaibigan. Wala naman kaso kung mawala man ako sa buhay niya, marami pa naman kasing matitira..yun mga kaibigan niya na nakapagpapaligaya sa kanya..di tulad ko, lagi ko na lang siyang inaaway. Ewan ko ba, pag siya ang kasama ko o kaya kausap ko, feeling ko ang dami kong hindi alam sa mundo. He makes me feel that I live a pathetic life. Yun mga bagay na wala naman akong paki-alam dati, ngayon iniisip ko kung bakit nga ba ‘di ko sinubukang gawin o matutunan. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong gawin ang mga bagay na yun, siguro nga kasi pathetic lang talaga life ko, wala naman chance para matutunan ko yun mga yun. Gusto ko rin naman subukan gawin yun, kaya lang di naman siya nag-offer na turuan ako..ako na naman ba ang magyayaya? Kung sa bagay, ano naman ang masama kung yayain ko siya o magpaturo ako sa kanya, eh kaibigan ko naman siya di ba? Nakalimutan ko..hindi nga pala date ang hinihiling ko, konting time lang niya para aksayahin sa isang kaibigan na katulad ko. Nakakainis na nga eh, pakiramdam ko, pinagsisiksikan ko na sarili ko sa kanya. Feeling ko hassle lang ako sa mga lakad niya dahil napipilitan siyang intindihin o alalahanin ako. Shame..ano ba ito? Self pity? Ilang beses ko nang nabasa ang mga temang ganito. Yun mga relasyon na wala namang kasiguruhan kung ano nga ba. In the first place, meron nga bang relasyon? Kaibigan..yun lang..at isa lang ako sa napakarami niyang kaibigan. Ang sakit nun! Ewan ko, di ba sabi nila pag nagmahal ka dapat wala kang hinihintay na kapalit? Siguro sa isang banda, tama yun pero hirap naman kung pati sarili ko lolokohin ko at paniniwalain na di ako nasasaktan. Imagine, habang ako nagkakandalito-lito at natutulala kaiisip sa kanya, malamang eh ni hindi man lang ako sumagi kahit sa guniguni niya. Masyado siyang busy eh -- sa trabaho, sa personal niyang buhay kasama na rin ang marami niyang kaibigan. Kung bakit naman kasi iniisip ko pa siya eh, pambihira..kahit na nga ako mismo busy sa trabaho ko eh lagi ko pa rin siyang naiisip. Sabi ng isang friend ko, mahal ko raw pag ganun. Ang totoo, noon ko pa naman narealize yun eh di ko lang matanggap dahil ayaw ko. Natatakot kasi ako eh. Natatakot akong masaktan kaya takot akong magtake ng risk. Bakit risk? Kasi hindi ko naman alam kung ano ko para sa kanya. Ang alam ko lang, tinanong niya ko noon kung pwedeng makipagkaibigan. Pagkatapos nun, wala na. Sabi nun friend ko, nagpapalakad raw sa’kin; tinatanong pa raw kung may pag-asa ba siya. We went out okay..hmm..twice I guess, at meron akong kasamang chaperone. Text, phone calls, yun lang. Dun sa mga instances na yun, he never told me anything kung ano ko sa kanya, kung like nya ko or whatever. Alam mo yun feeling na pinagkakaisahan ka ng mga tao sa paligid mo? Yun bang lahat sila tinutukso ka sa isang tao pero kapag yun taong yun na ang kaharap mo, wala naman siyang sinasabi sa iyo. Nakakainis! Masyado kasi akong vulnerable sa mga tuksong ganun..kaya nga ayaw ko ng tinutukso ko eh, lalo na kapag ganun, hindi naman totoo. In the end kasi, ako lang naman ang nasasaktan..nakakainis! Ang hirap pala mainlove..tagal ko nga iniwasan ng ganito eh. Ayaw ko kasi matulad sa mga friends ko na namumroblema sa relationship nila. Ang dami ko nang narinig na mga sad stories from them, kaya rin siguro takot akong mag-take ng risk. Pero siguro dumarating lang talaga yun point na kahit anong gawin mo, mangyayari pa rin yun mga bagay na iniiwasan mo. Mas sad lang pala ang kalalabasan kasi sobrang unexpected lahat and to think na after all those years that you’ve shielded yourself from the sad realities of love and relationships, ganun din pala ang ending. Haay..wala pa ngang simula eh, ending agad at sad ending pa. Ngayon eto, friends kami pero deep inside wish ko na sana more than friends..wish lang kasi it’s far from reality. Minsan ang hirap nga eh, ang hirap magpretend na di ako nasasaktan, lalo na pag may mga sinasabi siya concerning women whom he meet. Nakakainis rin kasi parang I always have to make papansin para lang maalala niya ko. Kaya nga feeling ko pinagsisiksikan ko sarili ko sa kanya eh. Ewan, I just can’t help but contact him everyday..kahit na minsan dead-ma lang siya..siyempre, nalulungkot ako pag dine dead-ma niya ko pero ano naman right ko di ba, friend lang naman ako. Shame..ang hirap ng buhay ng bum, lalo na pag ganito..lalo ko lang siyang naiisip..lalo lang akong nasasaktan.

Life of a Bum

Waking up at eleven in the morning (at least, it’s still morning). Eat something, rest for sometime, rest some more while lying on my bed until I doze off to sleep. Waking up at nine in the evening, eating dinner, rest for sometime, pc, internet, text...some more rest, until I doze off to sleep. Living like a bum...feeling like I live like a bum. Forgetting everything about work, about work, about work, about work...what else? Thinking about something (or someone)...contemplating on the events that happened during the past days (except those that were work-related of course). Remembering life -- childhood life, teenage life, the not quite an adult but past teenage life (except office life of course!), love life (if there’s any), friendships, the memories, the dreams, the daydreams, some more daydreams, those “whish I never did it” actions, the heartache (**sniffs**)... Living like a bum -- wondering whether this headache is caused by lack of sleep (due to work of course), too much sleep (because this is a bum’s day), alcohol (well, yeah the one that you drink, not the disinfectant), or is it another manifestation of what I feel inside my heart?

Fallin'

Our little conversations had turned in into little sweet sensations
And they're only getting sweeter every time
Our friendly get-togethers had turned in into visions of forever
If I just believe this foolish heart of mine
I can't pretend that I'm just a friend
'Cause I'm thinkin' maybe we were meant to be
I think I'm fallin', fallin' in love with you
And I don't, I don't know what to do
I'm afraid you'll turn away
But I'll say it anyway
I think I'm fallin' for you
I'm fallin' for you
Whenever were together,
I'm wishin' that goodbyes would turn to never
'Cause with you is where I always wanna be
Whenever right beside you, all I really wanna do is hold you
No one else but you has meant this much to me

Longing for the sea

All I want is to go back to the sea. I want the sand, the water, the waves...

More than just a summer fling

Summer and the sun. Sun and the heat. The heat and the body. The body under the sun. The sun heats the body. The body in heat. Heated sand. The sand and the sun. The sun heating the sand. The heated sand washed by the waves. The waves that wash the body. The body under water. The water-drenched body. The body soaking in water. The water...the sand...the waves...the body...the sun...summer.

I’m a child of the sea. Sometimes calm, sometimes raging. Flocked with thousands of people, adorned with millions of riches, and yet at night, I stand alone in the darkness and stillness of the night. They’ve passed by, etched some prints on the sand then they walked away. It’s just another summer fling, focused on the now, without any regards for the past or the future. Nothing to hold unto, nothing to cherish but memories, nothing to hope for than to indulge in the present. To savor the passion, the intensity of heat, of emotions, of burning desire. They’re all like that, they want nothing but summer flings. I’m a child of the sea, but I am not the sea. I can mold my own life, my own destiny. I don’t want summer flings. I don’t want to be burnt with passion and desire. I don’t want to swim and be soaked in sudden waves of emotions.

Playing with words. Me playing the words. Words playing with me. The words that played my heart. Ahhh..summer!

When everything went wrong

When you realize that you are falling in love with someone you never even thought of liking. When that someone confessed that he is in love with someone else. When while crying in vain you recalled everything and every moment in the past that made you fall in love. When you know that if it wasn’t for his acts you will not feel that way. When after crying in pain you thought that he made a fool out of you. Ahhh...that’t it! It’s April fools day, but it wasn’t April when my tears fell down from my eyes..that was a, uhh..not so sweet November. And I’ve wanted to bury everything in the grave, but I can’t. His memory is like a ghost that haunts me 24/7. I thought he had that heart, but I was wrong..everything just suddenly went wrong. Ahhh..nothing, just remembering how it is to be hurt.