For an Angel who once asked…



“They often say that love is a happy light feeling. But why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?”



I think sometime ago, I wrote a blog with a quote that somehow asks that same question. A year and few days back, I posted this quote from the book what to do with life after high school, “why continue to love when it invariably ends up hurting so incredibly? Because not to love is to die? But isn’t it that to do so also brings the same result? Inside, I know there is a point and that it is the only way to live but the same aching soul asks, “what’s the use?”



Well, it is truly a mystery why we fall in love, how it happens, and when it comes. We cannot understand why some love grows and why some love fails. Sure, we try to analyze and look for reasons and causes; we try to figure out what went wrong. We want to find answers where there are none.



Pero sabi nga eh, just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalties that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways. – gusting-gusto ko ang lines na ito.



Well, siguro, at least once in our life - the gift of love will come. We will take hold of it and celebrate it in an inexpressible joy. Sino ba namang normal na tao ang hindi nangarap na dumating ang araw na ito? Nakakalungkot nga lang kasi kadalasan, love comes and takes hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then TADAN!!! -- it moves on. More often than not, we try to grasp the love and hold unto it, refusing to see that love is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.



Minsan dumarating yun point na yun minamahal natin nag-fall out of love yun bang they feel that the spirit of love is leaving their hearts. Madalas, ang reaction natin is to try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost, rather than to accept the love/relationship for what it was, then move on. Tinatanong natin kung ano ang nagawa natin kaya nagbago ang damdamin nila; minsan, pinipilit natin silang mag-bago para sa atin, o baguhin ang sarili natin para ma-meet ang expectations nila, thinking na sa pamamagitan nito ay maibabalik yun dating pagmamahalan.



Hindi natin matanggap na wala nang iba pang dahilan ang lahat ng ito, kundi ang hiwaga lamang ng pag-ibig (napakagandang salita nito!), sa halip, pilit natin binibigyang dahilan ang lahat. Pero siguro nga tama sila na not until we learn to accept love in its own mysterious ways, we live in a sea of misery.



Nakakatawa, bakit ko ba naisip ang mga bagay na ito? Well dear Angel, not because I’ve never been in that kind of relationship eh I know nothing about it na, remember, we learn not only from our own experience but from others’ as well. Yun iba siguro, out of my own frustrations with the hassles of growing up and falling in love. Perhaps I also have my own share of heartaches, confusions and questions na at a certain point in my life I also tried to justify. Ang dami ko rin mga tanong; meron din taong nag-pagulo ng isip ko tapos, wala lang, gusto ko na lang sanang kalimutan then move on. Pero sabi ko nga sa past blog ko eh, to forget is definitely not a wholesome way in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what we refuse to remember; just as you cannot heal a wound that you failed to notice. Siguro, it’s really more of acceptance. We just have to accept that it happened, ginusto man natin o hindi pero, parang ang dali lang ano? Alam ko mahirap ito, kaya lang yun nga siguro ang dapat. Mas madali sigurong tanggapin ang lahat at matutong magpatawad kung nag-sorry man lang yun tao di ba? Pero paano naman kung ni hindi yata niya alam na nasaktan ka niya o, wala lang siyang paki-alam? Mas mahirap kasi yun you’ve been as honest as possible then all along joke, joke, joke lang pala ang lahat. Parang ayaw mo na tuloy magtiwala sa mga tao. Kanina parang may sense pa ang flow of thoughts ko, ngayon parang wala na.



After every thought, I still end with the same question, if love is really a happy light feeling, why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?

And life goes on…for me. Despite the fact that I applied some ointments before going to bed, I woke up to see last night’s rashes living unpleasant spots on my skin. I don’t know if some insect bit me or it’s another one of those allergy bouts, but insect bites usually just leaves my skin when I use that ointment, so I suspect it’s allergy (to what or where, I don’t know). As much as I’d like to avoid it, I was late again this morning, since I had to pass by the drug store to get me some anti-allergy. One thing I that don’t like when taking that medication is that it makes me feel so sleepy. I really was so sleepy the whole time, even while I am eating my lunch while talking with my friends. I just took a cup of coffee sooner after lunch since I can’t stop my eyes from closing, and tadan! Am awake!



I got the news that my superior’s mom died last night. I am once again reminded that life is just like that. One day you came into this world, then you grow up, you learn things, you meet people, you enjoy, you live, you let live, you smile, you laugh, you weep, you love, you feel indifference, you do many things, you get what you want, you become what you aspired to become, you dream, you go on living, but who knows when all these things would end?



As I’ve always said, everything that happens around me enables me to see things in another light. True I may still have angst and hang-ups from some not so pleasant past, but as days go by and as I become used to life’s realities, I also learn to accept that some things are not really meant to go on as I wish it would.



Maybe I’m in that point in my life when I get a little ounce of courage to go out of my shell and explore the world. But despite that, I still stay the same old me in every manner. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow holds for me. Some events in the past contribute to those factors that make me feel lonely and depressed, but I know I have to move on. As my Angel once said, I just have to get those people who drain me off out of my life. Maybe sometime in the future I would understand why all these have to happen. Maybe everything is just a part of one greater plan for me. I feel so weak, but I know that I have to be strong, that I just have to continue living this life entrusted unto me. Perhaps if not for the faith that I have, I would have long dared to end everything. But I know that life is not in my hands. And so I continue living, trying to figure out not only what this world has to offer for me but also more importantly what I can offer to this world.

Just last night, I was exchanging text messages with a friend. Told him that am busy with work and other concerns but perfectly fine.



Well, that’s true. In my last blog, I was ranting about my past wearies, but during the past days, I learned to see things in a clearer perspective once more. I guess after all, I really should be thankful of things and people around me. I guess writing about things that I feel and think about is just fine, I mean perhaps I was wrong in referring to my rants as “things that I should not be writing anyway.” Writing has always been my outlet—whether I feel happy, sad, confused, excited, in love, or pissed off. I’ve always been more comfortable in expressing my feelings thru pen (or keyboard?) rather than meeting people head-on. As I think I’ve repeatedly said in my past blogs, I hate confrontations because I always end up crying, so I write down what I feel. One good thing is that it gives me the benefit of letting it out without hurting other people’s feelings, and it gives me time to contemplate on issues. And, as always, I more often than not change my feelings towards things after a while—well, after the clouds of sudden emotion clears from my point of view. Well, I finally finished searching the net and typing my younger bros’ project before it’s deadline (well, while the lucky little boy is going around the neighborhood or to his friend’s places on a Christmas break!). I said to myself, “how I wish I was able to do that when I was in high school!” But later on I realized that I used to ask my Ate and her best friend to do my Math projects! Oh, well…is this what they call payback time? Ha ha ha… the latest scoop: the same little bro will one of these days ask me to type another project, again…nearly before it’s submission! Haaay…as if I don’t have an office work to do! Oh, I also ranted on wasting my time thinking about that someone…well, I was just texting him last night! Ha ha ha…it’s my life!



And now, in the tradition of writing my rants…



I started the week all right, I wasn’t late yesterday and I punched in at exactly 10 AM (whew!). But sometime this morning, one of our PCs had hard disk problem so our work was interrupted. Another thing is that my sinusitis attacked again! And yet, there’s another. I don’t know, but as much as I would like to avoid confrontation and instead understand others, I end up being the one who’s confronted. To top it all, I was told that I act as if I am a boss or something. It’s disheartening to hear those words from someone whom you consider as a friend. What’s more worth noting is that perhaps after all, not all those friends of yours knows you anyway—or at least spent sometime in really knowing you and trying to understand you rather than judging you. Someone told me, it isn’t bad to cry—yes, she’s right it isn’t but I don’t want to do it in front of many people for I don’t want to create a scene or something. I have always been contented and happier with an uncomplicated life of being not the center of attention. So, now alone in my room, I let every teardrop fall. I may forever rant about this, I may forever cry it out, but some hurts always leaves scars that are irreparable. It’s good to note that I have few real friends who knew me inside and out. I may forever meet people who will tell me all sorts of harsh blows, but that’s life. It’s worthwhile to underscore that I’ve long ago (as I’ve said in my previous blogs) known that I can’t please everyone at the same time. I guess I have to keep myself reminded of that. My feelings towards the incident may change perhaps, but not my principles in life.



Days, weeks, months will pass…who knows up to where my life would last? I live my life as each day pass—sunny or gloomy…everyday is a time to cherish, with new challenges to face, new things to explore perhaps new horizons to reach across. I know where I’m anchored.

Who’s leaving all the rants behind? I’ve thought of starting 2004 in a “clean state.” Well, I’ll try to, but with all these—I wonder.



They often say that we should count our blessings, not the misfortunes; count the flowers, not the leaves that fall; but sometimes, I can’t help but ask why some people are so blessed with ways to piss me off. I can’t help but ask myself why am I staying up ‘til dawn trying to write about things that I should not be writing anyway. Why am I wasting my time thinking about someone who gave me nothing but confusion? Why am I missing the benefit of a long and weary-free vacation while the very people who should be doing such are somewhere maybe in the South Pole enjoying the snow? Why does it seem to me that for others, it looks like I am not burdened of doing something? Yes, am born in the month of October, but I am definitely a normal human specie, not an octopus—I only got two hands, not eight. Why do I have to do all these? It’s because I have to, in order to. Sounds confusing, but true.



Can’t write a long blog for now, it’s just that someone urged me to update this blog. Ha ha ha…welcome 2004 grinning like a stray dog.