11/26/2003
Eyes closed, my heart leaps with joy whenever I hear your laughter. The sound of your voice sends waves that reverberates itself into a lovely melody that soothes my psyche. Your simple smile brightens my day like a ray of light in the dark. Your presence sweeps me off my feet, as your fragrance intoxicates my soul. The moment I touched your lips, I felt a certain current that made me quiver. The touch of your hand melts my whole being. I long to whisper that unspeakable sentiment that exudes from my heart, as I look into your eyes set so deep that I drown into an inexplicable joy.
Friday, March 19, 2004
Friday, March 05, 2004
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Contemplating about love on a sleepless Tuesday night
I can still remember those high school-ish little notebooks called slum notes (or whatever we used to call it) that we pass around the campus. Yes, the ones that ask questions from the bio-data type to those questions on crushes, love, firsts, etc.
There is one question that I always find hard to answer, or maybe it’s better to put it this way: I never answered it the way they wanted me to—the question “what is love (or define love).”
Well, I have to admit that the question really make me think several times, and most of the time, I’ll end up answering it my usual “well, it’s an indefinable and unexplainable feeling.”
At times, I’d argue that it depends on what level of love in that context, pointing out that there are different kinds of love.
I remember one night, there was this person who asked me that question, and when I can’t give him a definite answer “ayayay…you know what I mean—love, you don’t really know what love is, do you?”
I felt as if my heart stopped—how could this guy tell me those words when we barely even know each other? Quite annoyed, I asked him, “okay, what is love?”
He answered, “love for me is accepting her—whoever she is, wherever she came from, whatever past she had everything about her.”
Then I asked, “but in order to do that, you have to know the person first right? You have to know who she is, where she came from, her past, I mean, you have to know her better, because you can’t willingly accept something that you do not know of.”
“Yes” he answered.
“But how are you going to know all of those?” I asked again.
“I don’t know…that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend” he confided.
Then we continued to chat…
I reflected on the question, “what is love?” and looked back at the recent occurrences in my life, and that conversation. Although I still consider it as an unfathomable feeling, I came up with a more sensible meaning of love.
I learned that love is looking at the person, knowing his flaws and realizing that I can actually see through his shortcomings, and recognize the nobility of his heart. Yes, it is welcoming him to my life, whoever he is, wherever he came from, whatever past he may have. It is seeing beyond the superficial, it is searching deeper into his soul and finding that innate goodness. It’s forgetting “what I look for” and appreciating “what I found.” It is finally having the courage to move beyond my comfort zone and reach out to embrace and face the challenge of facing a new phase in life. It is more than just the sensations, and mixed feelings brought about by the sudden rush of the currents of one’s emotion.
No, I hope I’m not being misunderstood here…I am not in love with the guy that I chat with that night. This is about someone else. Someone I never thought of liking. Maybe I can write about him in my future blogs but for now, I do have a hectic life.
I can still remember those high school-ish little notebooks called slum notes (or whatever we used to call it) that we pass around the campus. Yes, the ones that ask questions from the bio-data type to those questions on crushes, love, firsts, etc.
There is one question that I always find hard to answer, or maybe it’s better to put it this way: I never answered it the way they wanted me to—the question “what is love (or define love).”
Well, I have to admit that the question really make me think several times, and most of the time, I’ll end up answering it my usual “well, it’s an indefinable and unexplainable feeling.”
At times, I’d argue that it depends on what level of love in that context, pointing out that there are different kinds of love.
I remember one night, there was this person who asked me that question, and when I can’t give him a definite answer “ayayay…you know what I mean—love, you don’t really know what love is, do you?”
I felt as if my heart stopped—how could this guy tell me those words when we barely even know each other? Quite annoyed, I asked him, “okay, what is love?”
He answered, “love for me is accepting her—whoever she is, wherever she came from, whatever past she had everything about her.”
Then I asked, “but in order to do that, you have to know the person first right? You have to know who she is, where she came from, her past, I mean, you have to know her better, because you can’t willingly accept something that you do not know of.”
“Yes” he answered.
“But how are you going to know all of those?” I asked again.
“I don’t know…that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend” he confided.
Then we continued to chat…
I reflected on the question, “what is love?” and looked back at the recent occurrences in my life, and that conversation. Although I still consider it as an unfathomable feeling, I came up with a more sensible meaning of love.
I learned that love is looking at the person, knowing his flaws and realizing that I can actually see through his shortcomings, and recognize the nobility of his heart. Yes, it is welcoming him to my life, whoever he is, wherever he came from, whatever past he may have. It is seeing beyond the superficial, it is searching deeper into his soul and finding that innate goodness. It’s forgetting “what I look for” and appreciating “what I found.” It is finally having the courage to move beyond my comfort zone and reach out to embrace and face the challenge of facing a new phase in life. It is more than just the sensations, and mixed feelings brought about by the sudden rush of the currents of one’s emotion.
No, I hope I’m not being misunderstood here…I am not in love with the guy that I chat with that night. This is about someone else. Someone I never thought of liking. Maybe I can write about him in my future blogs but for now, I do have a hectic life.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
“Changes happened so fast. PAGBABAGO. Nakakalula. may tinapos, may iiwanan, may sasamahan, may pakikisamahan, may pakikibagayan, may sisimulan. Isang pagbabago na lang ang inaasam. darating kaya? may tugon kaya? paano pag di mo pala gusto ang darating na pagbabago na noo'y inaasam mo? PANINIBAGO nakakapanibago. may mga bagay ka na gustong manatili sa kanilang estado. pero ikaw mismo ay kailagan magbago. nakakapanibago. gustuhin ko man, may mga bagay na di pa panahon para baguhin. hanggang dumating ang takdang panahon, mananatili muna akong maninibago sa darating na mga pagbabago. kailan kaya? ang hirap naman nito...”
Ang sabi ng isang taong hinahangaan ko, “nothing is permanent in this world, except change.” Tama, lahat nagbabago sa iba’t-ibang dahilan, sa iba’t-ibang paraan, may mga pagbabagong hindi inaasahan, mayroon din namang matagal mo nang inaasam. Mas magandang isipin na lahat ng pagbabago ay nagaganap para sa kabutihan ng lahat, pero nakalulungkot mang tanggapin, may mga pagbabagong nagdudulot lamang ng higit na
pasakit at pagdurusa.
Tama, nakalulula, ang hirap makibagay, ang hirap sumabay. Ang hirap intindihin kung bakit may mga taong nagsisimula ng isang bagay na hindi naman pala kayang panindigan—dala rin ba ito ng pagbabago? Pagbabago ng isip, ng damdamin, ng
saloobin, ng paniniwala. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.
Kung magbago ang lahat tungo sa ikabubuti ng mas nakararami, paano naman akong makasisiguro na mananatiling maayos ang lahat? Hindi ba’t mangyayari pa rin naman ang isa pang pagbabago? Paano akong maniniwala na may pag-ibig na wagas?
Hindi ba’t sa isang saglit lamang ay maaari ring magbago ang lahat?
Darating kaya? Marahil ay darating nga, subalit hanggang kailan mananatili? May tugon kaya? Marahil kung bibigkasin ang tamang katanungan maaaring marining ang kasagutan.
Gaano nga ba tayo makasisiguro na magiging maligaya tayo sa mga bagay at mangyayaring matagal na nating ninanais at inaasam? Paano kung hindi? Sapat na ba ang umasang magbabago rin namang muli ang lahat? Pero paano ang mga bagay na hindi na muli pang maibabalik sa dati? Ang nabasag na banga, ang natuyong rosas, pagtitiwalang nawala, pagkakaibigang nasira…anong uri pa ng pagbabago ang magbabalik nito sa
dating kaanyuan? Tama, hindi na nga ito maibabalik pa, hindi na mababago pa. Ang kailangan dito ay ang pagbabago ng pagtingin sa kasalukuyang kalagayan upang muling maging katanggap-tanggap.
Napakasarap isipin na may takdang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay at pangyayari. Pero sino nga ba ang nagtatakda ng pagdating ng tamang panahon?
Tama, ako man kailangang magbago, sino ba ang hindi? Napakasarap isipin na bahagi ka ng pagbabagong makapagpapabago sa takbo ng buhay. Kasabay ng pagsapit ng bukang liwayway ay ang pananabik, ang ligaya, ang init ng damdamin at pag-asa na ito na marahil ang takdang araw ng pagbangon ng lupang hinirang, isinilang mula sa puso ng karagatan, biniyayaan ng yaman at gandang hinahangaan ninuman, subalit pinag-kaitan ng pagkakataong maka-ahon mula sa kanlungan ng kamusmusan. Kailangang magbago, kailangang matutong tumayo, lumakad, tumakbo…ang mga ibon, natututong lumipad, sino ang hindi hahanga sa ganda ng paruparo na dati-rati’y isang uod na pinandidirihan? Bahagi pa rin ito ng walang hanggang pagbabago. Kasabay ng pagkamulat sa masalimuot na buhay ay ang paglago at pagbabago ng kasisipan, ng paniniwala, ng paninindigan, ng
damdamin, ng saloobin, ng kabuuan ng pagkatao…pahagi ng paglago ang pakikipag-ugnayan, ang pakiki-isa, ang pakikisama.
Dumarating din ang panahon ng paglisan, masakit ang mawalay sa mga tao o bagay na nakasanayan na natin ng laging nandyan. Minsan, naisip ko, sana hindi na lang sila dumating, sana hindi ako nasasaktan. Ngunit ang lahat ay bahagi ng isang realidad na ‘di na maaaring baguhin pa. Isang pagbabago na naman ang kailangan…marahil darating
din ang takdang panahon na mauunawaan ko kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat, marahil magbabago rin ang pagtingin ko sa mga pangyayari at matatanggap ang lahat. Kailan nga kaya? Sino ang magtatakda? Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi sila…
Pag-asa…ito na lang yata ang nalalabing kataga na nagdudulot ng ngiti sa aking mga labi, na patuloy na nagpapatibok ng aking puso, na patuloy na nagbibigay ng halaga sa buhay. Tama, meron pang pag-asa…
Paumanhin, masyado lang akong nadala ng mga katanungan at ng mga kasalukyang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Nawa’y manatili tayong maligaya at may pag-asa, sa kabila ng lahat. Magandang pa rin ang bawat araw.
Ang sabi ng isang taong hinahangaan ko, “nothing is permanent in this world, except change.” Tama, lahat nagbabago sa iba’t-ibang dahilan, sa iba’t-ibang paraan, may mga pagbabagong hindi inaasahan, mayroon din namang matagal mo nang inaasam. Mas magandang isipin na lahat ng pagbabago ay nagaganap para sa kabutihan ng lahat, pero nakalulungkot mang tanggapin, may mga pagbabagong nagdudulot lamang ng higit na
pasakit at pagdurusa.
Tama, nakalulula, ang hirap makibagay, ang hirap sumabay. Ang hirap intindihin kung bakit may mga taong nagsisimula ng isang bagay na hindi naman pala kayang panindigan—dala rin ba ito ng pagbabago? Pagbabago ng isip, ng damdamin, ng
saloobin, ng paniniwala. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.
Kung magbago ang lahat tungo sa ikabubuti ng mas nakararami, paano naman akong makasisiguro na mananatiling maayos ang lahat? Hindi ba’t mangyayari pa rin naman ang isa pang pagbabago? Paano akong maniniwala na may pag-ibig na wagas?
Hindi ba’t sa isang saglit lamang ay maaari ring magbago ang lahat?
Darating kaya? Marahil ay darating nga, subalit hanggang kailan mananatili? May tugon kaya? Marahil kung bibigkasin ang tamang katanungan maaaring marining ang kasagutan.
Gaano nga ba tayo makasisiguro na magiging maligaya tayo sa mga bagay at mangyayaring matagal na nating ninanais at inaasam? Paano kung hindi? Sapat na ba ang umasang magbabago rin namang muli ang lahat? Pero paano ang mga bagay na hindi na muli pang maibabalik sa dati? Ang nabasag na banga, ang natuyong rosas, pagtitiwalang nawala, pagkakaibigang nasira…anong uri pa ng pagbabago ang magbabalik nito sa
dating kaanyuan? Tama, hindi na nga ito maibabalik pa, hindi na mababago pa. Ang kailangan dito ay ang pagbabago ng pagtingin sa kasalukuyang kalagayan upang muling maging katanggap-tanggap.
Napakasarap isipin na may takdang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay at pangyayari. Pero sino nga ba ang nagtatakda ng pagdating ng tamang panahon?
Tama, ako man kailangang magbago, sino ba ang hindi? Napakasarap isipin na bahagi ka ng pagbabagong makapagpapabago sa takbo ng buhay. Kasabay ng pagsapit ng bukang liwayway ay ang pananabik, ang ligaya, ang init ng damdamin at pag-asa na ito na marahil ang takdang araw ng pagbangon ng lupang hinirang, isinilang mula sa puso ng karagatan, biniyayaan ng yaman at gandang hinahangaan ninuman, subalit pinag-kaitan ng pagkakataong maka-ahon mula sa kanlungan ng kamusmusan. Kailangang magbago, kailangang matutong tumayo, lumakad, tumakbo…ang mga ibon, natututong lumipad, sino ang hindi hahanga sa ganda ng paruparo na dati-rati’y isang uod na pinandidirihan? Bahagi pa rin ito ng walang hanggang pagbabago. Kasabay ng pagkamulat sa masalimuot na buhay ay ang paglago at pagbabago ng kasisipan, ng paniniwala, ng paninindigan, ng
damdamin, ng saloobin, ng kabuuan ng pagkatao…pahagi ng paglago ang pakikipag-ugnayan, ang pakiki-isa, ang pakikisama.
Dumarating din ang panahon ng paglisan, masakit ang mawalay sa mga tao o bagay na nakasanayan na natin ng laging nandyan. Minsan, naisip ko, sana hindi na lang sila dumating, sana hindi ako nasasaktan. Ngunit ang lahat ay bahagi ng isang realidad na ‘di na maaaring baguhin pa. Isang pagbabago na naman ang kailangan…marahil darating
din ang takdang panahon na mauunawaan ko kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat, marahil magbabago rin ang pagtingin ko sa mga pangyayari at matatanggap ang lahat. Kailan nga kaya? Sino ang magtatakda? Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi sila…
Pag-asa…ito na lang yata ang nalalabing kataga na nagdudulot ng ngiti sa aking mga labi, na patuloy na nagpapatibok ng aking puso, na patuloy na nagbibigay ng halaga sa buhay. Tama, meron pang pag-asa…
Paumanhin, masyado lang akong nadala ng mga katanungan at ng mga kasalukyang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Nawa’y manatili tayong maligaya at may pag-asa, sa kabila ng lahat. Magandang pa rin ang bawat araw.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
For an Angel who once asked…
“They often say that love is a happy light feeling. But why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?”
I think sometime ago, I wrote a blog with a quote that somehow asks that same question. A year and few days back, I posted this quote from the book what to do with life after high school, “why continue to love when it invariably ends up hurting so incredibly? Because not to love is to die? But isn’t it that to do so also brings the same result? Inside, I know there is a point and that it is the only way to live but the same aching soul asks, “what’s the use?”
Well, it is truly a mystery why we fall in love, how it happens, and when it comes. We cannot understand why some love grows and why some love fails. Sure, we try to analyze and look for reasons and causes; we try to figure out what went wrong. We want to find answers where there are none.
Pero sabi nga eh, just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalties that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways. – gusting-gusto ko ang lines na ito.
Well, siguro, at least once in our life - the gift of love will come. We will take hold of it and celebrate it in an inexpressible joy. Sino ba namang normal na tao ang hindi nangarap na dumating ang araw na ito? Nakakalungkot nga lang kasi kadalasan, love comes and takes hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then TADAN!!! -- it moves on. More often than not, we try to grasp the love and hold unto it, refusing to see that love is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.
Minsan dumarating yun point na yun minamahal natin nag-fall out of love yun bang they feel that the spirit of love is leaving their hearts. Madalas, ang reaction natin is to try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost, rather than to accept the love/relationship for what it was, then move on. Tinatanong natin kung ano ang nagawa natin kaya nagbago ang damdamin nila; minsan, pinipilit natin silang mag-bago para sa atin, o baguhin ang sarili natin para ma-meet ang expectations nila, thinking na sa pamamagitan nito ay maibabalik yun dating pagmamahalan.
Hindi natin matanggap na wala nang iba pang dahilan ang lahat ng ito, kundi ang hiwaga lamang ng pag-ibig (napakagandang salita nito!), sa halip, pilit natin binibigyang dahilan ang lahat. Pero siguro nga tama sila na not until we learn to accept love in its own mysterious ways, we live in a sea of misery.
Nakakatawa, bakit ko ba naisip ang mga bagay na ito? Well dear Angel, not because I’ve never been in that kind of relationship eh I know nothing about it na, remember, we learn not only from our own experience but from others’ as well. Yun iba siguro, out of my own frustrations with the hassles of growing up and falling in love. Perhaps I also have my own share of heartaches, confusions and questions na at a certain point in my life I also tried to justify. Ang dami ko rin mga tanong; meron din taong nag-pagulo ng isip ko tapos, wala lang, gusto ko na lang sanang kalimutan then move on. Pero sabi ko nga sa past blog ko eh, to forget is definitely not a wholesome way in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what we refuse to remember; just as you cannot heal a wound that you failed to notice. Siguro, it’s really more of acceptance. We just have to accept that it happened, ginusto man natin o hindi pero, parang ang dali lang ano? Alam ko mahirap ito, kaya lang yun nga siguro ang dapat. Mas madali sigurong tanggapin ang lahat at matutong magpatawad kung nag-sorry man lang yun tao di ba? Pero paano naman kung ni hindi yata niya alam na nasaktan ka niya o, wala lang siyang paki-alam? Mas mahirap kasi yun you’ve been as honest as possible then all along joke, joke, joke lang pala ang lahat. Parang ayaw mo na tuloy magtiwala sa mga tao. Kanina parang may sense pa ang flow of thoughts ko, ngayon parang wala na.
After every thought, I still end with the same question, if love is really a happy light feeling, why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?
“They often say that love is a happy light feeling. But why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?”
I think sometime ago, I wrote a blog with a quote that somehow asks that same question. A year and few days back, I posted this quote from the book what to do with life after high school, “why continue to love when it invariably ends up hurting so incredibly? Because not to love is to die? But isn’t it that to do so also brings the same result? Inside, I know there is a point and that it is the only way to live but the same aching soul asks, “what’s the use?”
Well, it is truly a mystery why we fall in love, how it happens, and when it comes. We cannot understand why some love grows and why some love fails. Sure, we try to analyze and look for reasons and causes; we try to figure out what went wrong. We want to find answers where there are none.
Pero sabi nga eh, just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalties that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways. – gusting-gusto ko ang lines na ito.
Well, siguro, at least once in our life - the gift of love will come. We will take hold of it and celebrate it in an inexpressible joy. Sino ba namang normal na tao ang hindi nangarap na dumating ang araw na ito? Nakakalungkot nga lang kasi kadalasan, love comes and takes hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then TADAN!!! -- it moves on. More often than not, we try to grasp the love and hold unto it, refusing to see that love is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.
Minsan dumarating yun point na yun minamahal natin nag-fall out of love yun bang they feel that the spirit of love is leaving their hearts. Madalas, ang reaction natin is to try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost, rather than to accept the love/relationship for what it was, then move on. Tinatanong natin kung ano ang nagawa natin kaya nagbago ang damdamin nila; minsan, pinipilit natin silang mag-bago para sa atin, o baguhin ang sarili natin para ma-meet ang expectations nila, thinking na sa pamamagitan nito ay maibabalik yun dating pagmamahalan.
Hindi natin matanggap na wala nang iba pang dahilan ang lahat ng ito, kundi ang hiwaga lamang ng pag-ibig (napakagandang salita nito!), sa halip, pilit natin binibigyang dahilan ang lahat. Pero siguro nga tama sila na not until we learn to accept love in its own mysterious ways, we live in a sea of misery.
Nakakatawa, bakit ko ba naisip ang mga bagay na ito? Well dear Angel, not because I’ve never been in that kind of relationship eh I know nothing about it na, remember, we learn not only from our own experience but from others’ as well. Yun iba siguro, out of my own frustrations with the hassles of growing up and falling in love. Perhaps I also have my own share of heartaches, confusions and questions na at a certain point in my life I also tried to justify. Ang dami ko rin mga tanong; meron din taong nag-pagulo ng isip ko tapos, wala lang, gusto ko na lang sanang kalimutan then move on. Pero sabi ko nga sa past blog ko eh, to forget is definitely not a wholesome way in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what we refuse to remember; just as you cannot heal a wound that you failed to notice. Siguro, it’s really more of acceptance. We just have to accept that it happened, ginusto man natin o hindi pero, parang ang dali lang ano? Alam ko mahirap ito, kaya lang yun nga siguro ang dapat. Mas madali sigurong tanggapin ang lahat at matutong magpatawad kung nag-sorry man lang yun tao di ba? Pero paano naman kung ni hindi yata niya alam na nasaktan ka niya o, wala lang siyang paki-alam? Mas mahirap kasi yun you’ve been as honest as possible then all along joke, joke, joke lang pala ang lahat. Parang ayaw mo na tuloy magtiwala sa mga tao. Kanina parang may sense pa ang flow of thoughts ko, ngayon parang wala na.
After every thought, I still end with the same question, if love is really a happy light feeling, why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)