June 24, 2003



It’s Manila day, so walang pasok!



Last night was just fine, though the rain poured again while am on my way home, relatively I slept earlier compared to my usual bedtime, only to wake up at around three am with an unread text message in my cell phone — June 23 23:23…was so dazed to grasp what it meant – back to sleep.



I just love holidays…spent some time being lazy – waking up late and staying in my bed for quite some time, doing nothing and staring into oblivion, thinking about nothing at all. Too bad, a ring from my cell phone disturbed my somber rest, followed by a couple of text messages from a certain Sheryl Angeles who insisted on calling me Helen. Poor me, she wouldn’t believe that I am definitely NOT Helen and I DO NOT know her. She told me that I (Helen) gave her MY cell phone number, and that we used to work together at SM! SM??? Do I read it right? Told her that I NEVER worked at SM for I’ve only had two jobs—at the CES Board and I presently work at an office in Malacañan (asking heavens to make her believe me while pressing send key). Huhuhu…imagine, she answered me with something like “akala mo ba si Gloria ka kaya ka anjan? Wag mo na nga ako lokohin, di ba u Helen Qampo” Ano raw yon??? Grabe! Mas makulit siya sa akin! Just answered her with “sorry but I am not her and I don’t think I know you”. Then a few seconds after came that beep, and whaaa…SIYA NA NAMAN! “If u not Helen, den, hu u?” Grrrr… shocks… mas makulit talaga siya sa akin… di ko na kaya… di ko na sinagot pa… grrrr… So I was left home alone, since my younger bros went to school and my parents were also out. Was supposed to do some official work, but thought the weather is too hot to stay in my room and use the PC, so I bored myself switching between channel surfing on the TV and FM band. I finally settled for a re-run of CRoC at ZOE TV 11…it’s better than watching those noontime shows or shake rattle and roll 2 (speaking of ZOE, catch my crush’s show in that station last night—he he he…).



And now, I recall that I no longer have pre-paid credits…nyehehe…bukas na lang ako magpo-post.

To forget is not exactly the wholesome way to grow in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what you refuse to remember, just as you cannot heal a wound, which you had to notice.



Just when I thought that everything would be fine, I am now faced with the sad reality that it isn’t over. Sometimes, the very people whom you thought you can depend on or those whom you choose to be with are not exactly what you thought they are. Sometimes, you just have to face the truth that you regret the choices you’ve made in the past. What makes it harder is the fact that you once looked up to that person and gave her/him much respect as you admire her/him. You may have even wished to follow her/his footsteps, only to wake up one day realizing that after all, she/he’s not what you thought she/he is. Perhaps it was a blessing that I didn’t end up where I really wanted to go—a real illustration of a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I don’t know where to put my self, I mean I’ve tried and am trying to do even more than am supposed to but in the end, I end up facing the sad truth that I failed. Perhaps what makes it hard for me to accept is that I really used to like that person much, and even used to exchange text messages with h** during special occasions, and sometimes just kinda sweet nothings. But poor me, that was before. Recent occurrences prove to me that the person’s not worth it anyway, and it affects me so much. What makes it harder for me is that I don’t even know what I’ve done for that person to treat me that way.



Well, guess it’s time to say my line—“I WASN’T BORN TO PLEASE YOU.” And life should go. I Still have tasks to do, roads to take, persons to meet, lessons to learn, dreams to reach, and ambitions to fulfill. And I don’t want to grow up like you, for I don’t want to have another poor soul to feel exactly the way I feel like now someday.

Hmmm...ano kaya ang iniisip ko that time? Kakatawa, that's how I write more than three years ago. I guess D and DR would appreciate this one...right dear friends?



Oh well, am still awake. I just can't sleep kahit I'm sleepy na. It's just that I am still upset and I don't wanna sleep feeling like this. bakit nga kaya may ibang taong ang happiness nila nakukuha at the expense of another person? Siguro nga not all people are sensitive enough to sense that it's not funny anymore. Is it a coincidence that D is also upset? Hey D, hope we'll be fine soon...as always friend, life goes on. Wala lang, surf na lang muna ako and check my e-mails.

from the box...

While browsing some old stuff late at night, I got hold of a folder containing some of my college stuffs like letters, songs, class cards, etc. I also saw this piece dated March 3, 2000:


Gaya ng dati, malulungkot na naman ako. Hindi dahil makakalayo na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Alam ko namang magkikita-kita pa kami at magkaka-usap sa telepono. Pero, ayaw ko lang talaga ang Abril at ang Mayo.


Umulan sana para hindi mainit. Kapag umuulan, sumisilip ako sa bintana pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat patak nito na bumabagsak sa sementong bakuran sa tapat ng aking silid.


Iniisip ko, sana tulad ng mumunting patak ng ulan, tumulo rin ang aking luha. Hindi dahil nalulungkot ako at magkakalayo na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Gusto ko lang umiyak, ‘yun may ibang dahilan, na kung ano man ‘yon, hindi ko alam. Kaya nga hindi ako maiyak.


Lumuluha lang naman ako kapag napapagalitan ako ng Mama ko. Madalas naluluha rin ako kapag napupuwing ang mga mata ko. Nung minsan, naluha ako dahil na-semonan ako ng teacher ko sa klase. At ang huli, noong namatay yun alaga kong aso.


Lagi namang umuulan kapag Hunyo. Pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano akong maiiyak. Buti pa yun kaklase ko noong 4th year high school, umiyak siya dahil hindi siya nakasama sa honor roll.


Ewan ko ba kung bakit gusto kong umiyak. Yun iba nga sawang-sawa na sa kaiiyak, ako, hindi pa rin makahanap ng dahilan para lumuha.


Rail-road crossing na, malapit na naman akong bumaba ng FX. Ilang araw ko na lang tatahakin ang mahabang kalye ng España. Akala ko noon, mas mahaba ang pinag-dugtong na Commonwealth Avenue (mula Don Antonio) at Quezon Avenue, kasama ang half circle ng Elliptical Road…mas mahaba pala ang España, mula Mabuhay Rotonda hanggang UST!


Malapit na naman palang matapos ang semester. Ano na naman kaya ang grade ko sa class card? Sana naman matataas ang makuha ko, para sa susunod na semester eh tumaas rin ang baon ko


Oo nga pala, 4th year na ulit ako.Hindi na pala ako hihingi ng baon sa Mama ko sa susunod na semester, dahil nga gra-graduate na ako. Ang bilis naman ng panahon.

Sayang, nag-eenjoy pa naman kami ng mga kaibigan ko sa panonood ng ibon at pagong na nasa UST. Meron din palang electroluxman doon, kaya lang, nitong huling semester lang naming sila napansin.

Eh, hindi na rin namin makikita ng malapitan ang buwan. Wala pa rin kaming naihahandang kandila, baka magbrown-out. Gusto sana ni Millete ng tilapia, kaya lang, wala naman tindang gano’n sa Jollibee Asturias.

Basta ang alam ko, ito ang pinakamasayang semester ko sa UST. Siguro dahil marami kaming napaglilibangan. Ilan nga kaya ang damit ng pagong? Buti pa ang ibon, hindi mo mabilang at may sari-sari pang kulay. Kailan kaya kami aalukin nung electroluxman? Gusto pa naman yata ni Sansu ng vacuum cleaner. Kailangan palang maghanda ng kandila dahil baka matinik si Millete sa pagkain ng tilapia kung sakaling bigla na naman takpan ng quarter moon ang liwanag ng araw.

Ano kaya ang lasa ng kang-kong? Paborito raw ‘yon ng pagong eh. Natutuwa talaga ako sa isang pagong na madalas kong makita sa UST. Eh bagay pala sa pagong ang umupo sa upuuan nun mamang mahilig maghanap ng ID.

Sayang, tapos na halos ang semester, at gra-graduate na kami. Hindi na naming makikita ang pagong at ang ibon. Hindi na rin makakabili ng vacuum cleaner si Sansu, at hindi pa rin siya nakikinig sa amin kapag sinasabi namin na matanda na yun matsing sa UST. Bakit parang napakabilis ng panahon? Tapos na pala ang semester at hindi na kami papasok sa paaralan.

Tuloy, malulungkot na naman ako. Pero hindi dahil makakahiwalay na kami ng mga kaibigan ko, alam ko naman na magkikita pa rin kami o magkaka-usap sa telepono. Hindi rin dahil malapit na ang Abril at ang Mayo.

Inaabangan kong muling pumatak ang ulan.Tulad ng dati, sisilip ako sa aking bintana upang muling pagmasdan ang bawat butyl ng ulang bumabagsak mula sa kalangitan. Siguro, maaari na akong lumuha nang may dahilan. Sa tingin ko, sapat na ang dahilan ko para maiyak.

Ang hirap palang magpaalam kapag hindi mo pa nakakasama yun taong dapat mo nang kalimutan. Yun bang, ayaw mong magkahiwalay kayo dahil hindi pa kayo nagkakasama.Maaari palang nasa harap mo na ang isang tao pero hindi mo pa rin maabot. Bakit nga kaya hindi?

Nawa’y muling bumuhos ang ulan sa lalong madaling panahon. Nawa’y tuluyang umagos ang bawat patak nito patungo sa karagatan. Hindi na ako muling magmamasid sa bawat patak nito sa tapat ng aking bintana. Sasalubungin ko ang bawat patak nito upang pag-takpan ang pag-agos ng luha mula sa aking mga mata. Nawa, kasabay ng ulan ay tuluyang umagos sa malawak na karagatan ang aking luha, kasama ang bawat ala-ala ng katahimikang nagturo sa akin kung paano ang mangarap.

Tulad ng isang ibon, muli akong lilipad kapag tumila na ang ulan. Patuloy kong ikakampay ang aking mga pakpak upang maglakbay. Babaunin ko ang bawat aral na aking natutunan sa patuloy kong pagtahak sa landas ng buhay. Hindi ko rin kalilimutan na tawagan ang aking mga kaibigan na nakasama ko sa bawat lungkot at kaligayahan, sa bawat pangarap, sa bawat panaginip, sa bawat araw na natutunan ko kung paanong magbahagi ng parte ng aking buhay.


Natuklasan ko na hindi ko pala gusto ang lasa ng kang-kong. Maghihintay na lang ako na magtinda ng tilapia sa Jollibee—tiyak na matutuwa si Millete! Sana, makakita rin si Sansu ng mas batang matsing. Kailan ko kaya maririnig si Jhoei na kumanta ng “if you leave me now…?” Sana makilala na ni Ate Paz ang kapatid ng pagong para i-style ang hair niya. Si Kat kaya, kailang malalagyan ng letter ang question mark niya?


Sana pag-alis ko, hindi na ako maiyak. Gusto kong umalis ng may ngiting nagmumula sa puso at nasasalamin sa mga mata. Hindi na ako malulungkot. Iisipin ko na lang na balang araw, babalik din ako -- maaaring upang gunitain ang masasayang araw ng nakalipas, o pwede rin namang upang gumawa ng mga bago, mas masaya, at matamis na ala-ala...

Sometimes life gets so blah...blah...blah...You don't have to drop names...huh, what a nice idea...funny isn't it? yeah, so cruel. As Gary V puts it...you gotta shout for joy...yeah, fine...And just when I wanna post something into this chatterbox, off it goes...this day's a big DUH!



Okay, days ago I was happy...yeah, everyday's a tiring and yet happy day. Heard some news about the great geribear. I dunno, I was just glad to hear the news about him. My friend told me that he's cute and neat (ows?). He he he... shocks, naalala ko na naman tuloy siya! Geribear is among those persons who added color to my not so colorful college life...he he he...D and DR should know! Needless to say, he's my great crush (blush...blush...). He he he...well, I was just a child then (ngyek!). Now, back to today. I just feel so tired and completely *^*%*, add to that that I feel so sleepy and overly (*^*%&$&^. But atleast, I've made someone happy (uh, am not sure if isa lang)...thanks for the stupid joke, master of deception, aka the devil in disguise. Sh*^. I hate this, I completely hate this. Maybe I should get some sleep.