A lot of things, a lot of work, a lot of stuff... I am tired.
A friend offered me to go somewhere up North--am still sorting things out, I mean whether I'll go or not. Well, considering my "economic measures" I'd rather stay home, but when I think of all these things that bother me, I'd like to take a looong break.
BUT, I know that taking a break to leave all these things behind would never help anyway. I mean, I still have to do these when I come back, and for sure, I will not enjoy the vacation.
Whatever...I just want to breath all these away. Err, no matter how many deep breaths I take, my mind just seemed to be so preoccupied with aghh...
I heard that my mom from the other blog had a nice vacation somewhere far north. I miss those kind of things. I'd like to go somewhere peaceful, somewhere where nature will remind me that after all, life is beautiful. I just feel so sad the past days. I always want to talk with somebody, just to remind myself that, "hey, you still have people out there who care for you." I don't know, I want to cry but I get tired of it. I go to work, I smile, I laugh, I try my best to accomplish things, but I still feel sad deep inside.
The last time I felt this way, well that was last year I recall. I had a friend who gave me much comfort. Funny, that person is not even among those I consider as close friends. He may never know how thankful am I that he was there exactly when I need someone--when all my friends are well, maybe sound asleep (in the wee hours of the morning). I couldn't thank him anymore for we lost communication, for what reason--I don't know. But I never had regrets in knowing him, and in sharing most of my deepest secrets with him, na kahit my closest friends ko hindi alam. When we talk, no holds barred talaga, and we talk about any topic. Sa intellectual level, we just seem to fit right, but in others, uh, well--never mind. Do I miss him? I guess no more, even during this time na I seem to need him. I already feel contented with the time we spent talking, I couldn't ask for more.
For now, I still feel sad. Maybe lilipas rin ito, pero kung kailan, I really don't know.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Just another sleepless night.
No. Not that I am in love or thinking of someone—I am thinking of something…no, make that a lot of things.
Nascent’s Charming brain is in full gear again! Just completed the feedback report of a meeting that I was assigned to attend. Before that, I made the activity proposal for an upcoming meeting that I have to call all by myself! Galing ko lang siguro mag-project, hindi naman ako mukhang harassed or something. Ako siguro may problema, mas maingay ako, makulit at mukhang masaya kapag maraming gawain ang resulta: damihan pa natin! Ha ha ha…
Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise na loaded rin ang kapit-bahay ko ng work, dahil if not, kakaasar, di siya makaka-relate sa akin. Now that the dear neighbor also have eight hands and four sets of brains with an above-average IQ, at least, hindi lang ako ang mukhang baliw dito na alas kuwatro na ng madaling araw eh gising pa. Masaya naman kami, sobra, nakukuha pa nga namin tumawa nang tumawa eh (somebody call an ambulance—gumagamit ba ng ambulance papunta ng mental institution? Ayaw ko na dagdagan pa ang pag-iisipan ko eh). In fairness naman sa amin ni neighbor, harmless kami, nagpa-inject na kami together with the pet dogs last summer! Har har har… Naalala ko lang, di ko pa pala naplantsa ang damit ko para bukas at sa susunod na dalawang araw. Malamang makatulog pa ako nito! Ewan ko ba, gawin ba kasing career ang di pagtulog noh?! Anyway, na-miss ko ang aking roommate buddy kanina, she’s sick, and I hope okay na siya. Dumadami na ang taong inaasar ko—hmmm…eto na naman ako! Gotta stop this, baka maging issue na naman eh, mahirap na. Napansin ko lang, kulang ng isa ang aking koala—oh where, oh where can it be?
Everybody’s not in the mood these days—so am I. I just want to keep quiet than say the wrong words, hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao katulad ko—sila kaya, nare-realize nilang hindi lahat ng tao katulad nila? This is the reason why I limit my self to my personal blog the past weeks. At least here, I post whatever I want unlike sa group blog, di maiwasan ang violent reactions mula sa kung sinu-sinong abala sa kung ano.
God willing, hindi nawa umulan sa 27—another sleepless night maybe!
No. Not that I am in love or thinking of someone—I am thinking of something…no, make that a lot of things.
Nascent’s Charming brain is in full gear again! Just completed the feedback report of a meeting that I was assigned to attend. Before that, I made the activity proposal for an upcoming meeting that I have to call all by myself! Galing ko lang siguro mag-project, hindi naman ako mukhang harassed or something. Ako siguro may problema, mas maingay ako, makulit at mukhang masaya kapag maraming gawain ang resulta: damihan pa natin! Ha ha ha…
Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise na loaded rin ang kapit-bahay ko ng work, dahil if not, kakaasar, di siya makaka-relate sa akin. Now that the dear neighbor also have eight hands and four sets of brains with an above-average IQ, at least, hindi lang ako ang mukhang baliw dito na alas kuwatro na ng madaling araw eh gising pa. Masaya naman kami, sobra, nakukuha pa nga namin tumawa nang tumawa eh (somebody call an ambulance—gumagamit ba ng ambulance papunta ng mental institution? Ayaw ko na dagdagan pa ang pag-iisipan ko eh). In fairness naman sa amin ni neighbor, harmless kami, nagpa-inject na kami together with the pet dogs last summer! Har har har… Naalala ko lang, di ko pa pala naplantsa ang damit ko para bukas at sa susunod na dalawang araw. Malamang makatulog pa ako nito! Ewan ko ba, gawin ba kasing career ang di pagtulog noh?! Anyway, na-miss ko ang aking roommate buddy kanina, she’s sick, and I hope okay na siya. Dumadami na ang taong inaasar ko—hmmm…eto na naman ako! Gotta stop this, baka maging issue na naman eh, mahirap na. Napansin ko lang, kulang ng isa ang aking koala—oh where, oh where can it be?
Everybody’s not in the mood these days—so am I. I just want to keep quiet than say the wrong words, hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao katulad ko—sila kaya, nare-realize nilang hindi lahat ng tao katulad nila? This is the reason why I limit my self to my personal blog the past weeks. At least here, I post whatever I want unlike sa group blog, di maiwasan ang violent reactions mula sa kung sinu-sinong abala sa kung ano.
God willing, hindi nawa umulan sa 27—another sleepless night maybe!
Monday, July 28, 2003
After forcefully keeping my fingers from stroking the keyboard, I can't help but blog today. There are a lot of things that happened the past days. I've been through a lot of confusions the past days, and I thank Angel and D for their advice and concern. I really don't know what to do, especially during those days when everything just seemed to be out of control, when I can't even think clearly of what to do, when a lot of worries occupied my mind. The days went on, just like any day with Nascent walking like a zombie. She's definitely out of her wits. Maybe some people just don't seem to understand her. To most of them Nascent is just another childish soul, some even sees her as a brat, but beneath that surface lies what no one can see, much more comprehend. Nascent is afraid of a lot of things, but she never quit on trying to overcome her weaknesses. It's quite hard to face challenges when you are forced to face it, when you have no choice but to do it. It's like a do or die situation. Maybe Nascent just opted to be like a child, willingly accepting what life has to offer. Always believing that there are still a lot of good things here on earth.
But some things just make Nascent sad, like silence. For silence is more deafening than noise. For silence must not be equated to peace. Peace is not silence. Nascent is sad over the lost of some people who have been dear to her. Perhaps that's how life goes. Sometimes Nascent just can't take it all. Through the years, Nascent learned how to say no, how to say nothing. Nascent has her own way of pretending to be insensitive, pretending to be happy, no, it's not really pretending, perhaps trying is a better tem. Perhaps it's better to remain silent for now, though her heart aches with just the thought of it. Sana nga lang, they can be with her these days, when Nascent just feel like crying, when she need their care. Pero siguro, kailangan lang niya matutong mapag-isa. Sabi nga, the greatest teacher is experience. Siguro I just have to walk through all these alone. I've lived most of my years alone naman eh, nakakalungkot pero what can I do? Minsan naitanong ko na rin sa sarili ko, am I the only one who's being childish? At times I think not. Again, I opt not to expound on the thought. Am still thankful that friends are still there to remind her of a rainbow after the rain, that every storm has its eye, where there is calmness.
And the wheel must turn, the cycle must go, and Nascent Charm just have to …
Sometimes it's hard to express what you truly want. Frustrating indeed.
But some things just make Nascent sad, like silence. For silence is more deafening than noise. For silence must not be equated to peace. Peace is not silence. Nascent is sad over the lost of some people who have been dear to her. Perhaps that's how life goes. Sometimes Nascent just can't take it all. Through the years, Nascent learned how to say no, how to say nothing. Nascent has her own way of pretending to be insensitive, pretending to be happy, no, it's not really pretending, perhaps trying is a better tem. Perhaps it's better to remain silent for now, though her heart aches with just the thought of it. Sana nga lang, they can be with her these days, when Nascent just feel like crying, when she need their care. Pero siguro, kailangan lang niya matutong mapag-isa. Sabi nga, the greatest teacher is experience. Siguro I just have to walk through all these alone. I've lived most of my years alone naman eh, nakakalungkot pero what can I do? Minsan naitanong ko na rin sa sarili ko, am I the only one who's being childish? At times I think not. Again, I opt not to expound on the thought. Am still thankful that friends are still there to remind her of a rainbow after the rain, that every storm has its eye, where there is calmness.
And the wheel must turn, the cycle must go, and Nascent Charm just have to …
Sometimes it's hard to express what you truly want. Frustrating indeed.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
takot ka ba?
May mga bagay at pangyayaring sadyang nakakatakot. Minsan, gusto mong isipin na paranoid ka lang, pero kadalasan, nakakatakot talaga ang mga ito. Yun ba naman nanonood ka ng TV tapos biglang mag-iiba ang palabas at may lalabas na babaeng nakasuot ng uniform sa mental hospital at papunta sa iyo, 'di ka matatakot? Pero mas nakakatakot siguro kumain sa isang fastfood chain na may katabi kang medyo nahulugan ng ilang screw sa ulo, at mas nakakatakot kung hanggang sa pagsakay mo ng jeep eh bigla na lang siyang lilitaw mula sa madilim na lugar na di karaniwang dinadaanan ng tao, uupo sa tapat mo, at after a while eh lilipat ng upuan sa tabi mo at ipipilit na magsumiksik kahit na siyam na kayong naka-upo sa jeep na dapat sana eh pituhan lang(nangyari sa akin ito minsan!). Nakakatakot talaga. Nakakatakot rin yun bigla na lang may magte-text sa iyo, tapos sasabihin na nakita ka niya sa isang lugar at ide-describe pa niya ang kung ano suot mong damit, ang ayos ng buhok, etc. Mas nakakatakot yun nangyari sa isang friend ko, akalain mo ba naman na matutulog na lang siya eh biglang may gumapang na ahas sa mga hita niya! Aba, ang tapang na tao nun, kung ako siguro yun eh nawalan na ko ng ulirat sa sobrang takot (eh larawan pa lang ng ahas eh kinikilabutan na ako, kahit na nga dun sa mga sticker na nakadikit sa tricycle na nauso noong nag-aaral pa ako sa mababang paaralan ng matandang balara—oo, yun ang pangalan ng school ko). Yun iba, natatakot na mawala sa kanila yun mga bagay na nakasanayan na nila, o mga taong minahal na nila; yun iba naman, natatakot na subuking gawin ang mga bagay na di pa nila nai-try mula nun isilang sila sa daigdig. Eto pa ang isang ultimate nakakatakot, yun bang nasabi mo sa isang tao ang isang lihim pagkatapos eh nai-kwento agad niya sa isa 'nyo pang kasama tapos eh sabay ka nilang aasarin tungkol doon! Grabe talaga yun iba JAN!
Pero sa tingin ko, mas nakakatakot ang manatili sa nakaraan. Mas nakakatakot ang mabuhay sa loob ng isang panaginip. Hindi naman masama ang mangarap at magsumikap na abutin ito, pero ang mangarap at mamuhay sa loob nito ay sadyang nakakatakot para sa akin. Gayundin ang manatiling nakalugmok sa hinagpis at poot mula sa di magandang nakaraan. Nakakatakot maging stagnant—para kang tubig na walang ibang silbi kung hindi ang pamugaran at itlugan ng mga lamok at kiti-kiti (wrigglers—hindi yun chewing gum, wrigley’s yun)—hindi ito nagdudulot nga kabutihan para sa daigdig, kung hindi ng panganib. Ibig sabihin, you have to let it flow, you have to let go, you have to move on, you have to face today, you have to have foresight, you have to plan for tomorrow, you have to try new things, you have to grow up as you grow old, you have to learn new trades, you have to explore, you have to live your life. Parang (hindi ito yun anyong lupa at hindi rin yun lugar sa marikina, ibig kong sabihin, parang—in English, it may be translated to “it’s like” or “it seem/s”), ang daling gawin ano, well, ang totoo, nakakatakot rin! Eh siyempre, I need some strength and courage to go on ano, minsan hahanap ka ng ispiration, minsan naman napipilitan kang gawin ang isang bagay dahil na rin sa takot (oh, di ba totoo?). Pero mas maganda kasi kung kusang loob mong gagawin yun mga bagay na yun eh, yun bang dahil gusto mong gawin, hindi dahil kailangan mong gawin. Sa madaling salita, mas madaling gawin ang lahat ng bagay basta gusto mo, it’s easier to move on if you’re willing to forgive and let go of the past; it’s easier to grow up if you’re ready to face it’s challenges; it’s easier to learn new crafts if you’re eager to; it’s easier to live if you have zest in life.
Parang ang gulo ng blog ko ano, hindi ko kasi alam kung paano pagdudugtungin ang mga pangyayari nitong nakaraang mga araw, ayaw ko naman ikuwento rito in detail. Ngayon, gagawa pa ako ng IPP ko—nakakatakot—baka ma-late ako mamaya dapat raw seven a.m. eh nasa office na dahil aalis na kami. Nakakatakot rin, kasi ang dami ko palang dapat gawin! Angel, Mommy, I dreamed of my bear last night! Magulo, parang walang story yun dream ko, all I remember is I saw my dear bear. I just love stuffed bears – they’re soooo huggable.
Pero sa tingin ko, mas nakakatakot ang manatili sa nakaraan. Mas nakakatakot ang mabuhay sa loob ng isang panaginip. Hindi naman masama ang mangarap at magsumikap na abutin ito, pero ang mangarap at mamuhay sa loob nito ay sadyang nakakatakot para sa akin. Gayundin ang manatiling nakalugmok sa hinagpis at poot mula sa di magandang nakaraan. Nakakatakot maging stagnant—para kang tubig na walang ibang silbi kung hindi ang pamugaran at itlugan ng mga lamok at kiti-kiti (wrigglers—hindi yun chewing gum, wrigley’s yun)—hindi ito nagdudulot nga kabutihan para sa daigdig, kung hindi ng panganib. Ibig sabihin, you have to let it flow, you have to let go, you have to move on, you have to face today, you have to have foresight, you have to plan for tomorrow, you have to try new things, you have to grow up as you grow old, you have to learn new trades, you have to explore, you have to live your life. Parang (hindi ito yun anyong lupa at hindi rin yun lugar sa marikina, ibig kong sabihin, parang—in English, it may be translated to “it’s like” or “it seem/s”), ang daling gawin ano, well, ang totoo, nakakatakot rin! Eh siyempre, I need some strength and courage to go on ano, minsan hahanap ka ng ispiration, minsan naman napipilitan kang gawin ang isang bagay dahil na rin sa takot (oh, di ba totoo?). Pero mas maganda kasi kung kusang loob mong gagawin yun mga bagay na yun eh, yun bang dahil gusto mong gawin, hindi dahil kailangan mong gawin. Sa madaling salita, mas madaling gawin ang lahat ng bagay basta gusto mo, it’s easier to move on if you’re willing to forgive and let go of the past; it’s easier to grow up if you’re ready to face it’s challenges; it’s easier to learn new crafts if you’re eager to; it’s easier to live if you have zest in life.
Parang ang gulo ng blog ko ano, hindi ko kasi alam kung paano pagdudugtungin ang mga pangyayari nitong nakaraang mga araw, ayaw ko naman ikuwento rito in detail. Ngayon, gagawa pa ako ng IPP ko—nakakatakot—baka ma-late ako mamaya dapat raw seven a.m. eh nasa office na dahil aalis na kami. Nakakatakot rin, kasi ang dami ko palang dapat gawin! Angel, Mommy, I dreamed of my bear last night! Magulo, parang walang story yun dream ko, all I remember is I saw my dear bear. I just love stuffed bears – they’re soooo huggable.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
It was Friday. Nascent moved from a mansion somewhere in Isidora Hills to an old house just across NEB in Malacañang. Everything happened soooo fast. Just two days before, Nascent came into that office completely unaware of what’s going on (seemed like she’s in a trance or something). The boss just asked her if she can report the next day (gulp! What’s this? Nascent wondered, nonetheless, she just requested for a day to fix things back in the mansion.) And, so the fateful Friday morning came, Nascent came to work not yet completely aware of what she’s supposed to do in her new job, knowing no one in the office, and left alone in a room that smelled something like moist soil with dead leaves and twigs starting to decay (poor Nascent, she always get allergic reaction to smells, so the room condition left her with everyday colds – thanks to anti-allergens!). Anyway, after sometime, she got used to it. Knowing no one in the office, and left alone in the room, Nascent felt totally alone, somewhat helpless and partly asking herself why she ever decided to transfer. Days passed and Nascent knew some of the staff in her new office, everything seemed just fine and she’s learned how to do the tasks given to her, all by herself, with some advice from her good roommate. Then came an Angel. It was the Angel who finally made Nascent talk – as in talk!
Now, Nascent recalls her first birthday in that office – that was so unforgettable for she CRIED! Well, someone made her cry, that is. What a nice birthday present! Feeling depressed Nascent went to UST to breathe some fresher air and cry it all out to one of her close friend.
Two years is quite a short time, but Nascent learned a lot of things from her stay in that office. Perhaps wherever she goes, Nascent would never forget the lessons she learned from her work; she will always remember those people who became important parts of her life, those who’ve made her happy and those who made her sad, and even made her cry.
Nascent Charm may have grown up, but inside lies a heart of a child – always yearning to learn, wanting to trust, willing to love, and to show she cares. And though Nascent Charm may have realized a few things while her Angel was away, she’ll always be the same little girl that you left, full of questions, full of zest, full of life.
Angel will always be her Angel. Nascent still misses her charming Mommy. And Nascent’s story goes…
Now, Nascent recalls her first birthday in that office – that was so unforgettable for she CRIED! Well, someone made her cry, that is. What a nice birthday present! Feeling depressed Nascent went to UST to breathe some fresher air and cry it all out to one of her close friend.
Two years is quite a short time, but Nascent learned a lot of things from her stay in that office. Perhaps wherever she goes, Nascent would never forget the lessons she learned from her work; she will always remember those people who became important parts of her life, those who’ve made her happy and those who made her sad, and even made her cry.
Nascent Charm may have grown up, but inside lies a heart of a child – always yearning to learn, wanting to trust, willing to love, and to show she cares. And though Nascent Charm may have realized a few things while her Angel was away, she’ll always be the same little girl that you left, full of questions, full of zest, full of life.
Angel will always be her Angel. Nascent still misses her charming Mommy. And Nascent’s story goes…
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