After forcefully keeping my fingers from stroking the keyboard, I can't help but blog today. There are a lot of things that happened the past days. I've been through a lot of confusions the past days, and I thank Angel and D for their advice and concern. I really don't know what to do, especially during those days when everything just seemed to be out of control, when I can't even think clearly of what to do, when a lot of worries occupied my mind. The days went on, just like any day with Nascent walking like a zombie. She's definitely out of her wits. Maybe some people just don't seem to understand her. To most of them Nascent is just another childish soul, some even sees her as a brat, but beneath that surface lies what no one can see, much more comprehend. Nascent is afraid of a lot of things, but she never quit on trying to overcome her weaknesses. It's quite hard to face challenges when you are forced to face it, when you have no choice but to do it. It's like a do or die situation. Maybe Nascent just opted to be like a child, willingly accepting what life has to offer. Always believing that there are still a lot of good things here on earth.



But some things just make Nascent sad, like silence. For silence is more deafening than noise. For silence must not be equated to peace. Peace is not silence. Nascent is sad over the lost of some people who have been dear to her. Perhaps that's how life goes. Sometimes Nascent just can't take it all. Through the years, Nascent learned how to say no, how to say nothing. Nascent has her own way of pretending to be insensitive, pretending to be happy, no, it's not really pretending, perhaps trying is a better tem. Perhaps it's better to remain silent for now, though her heart aches with just the thought of it. Sana nga lang, they can be with her these days, when Nascent just feel like crying, when she need their care. Pero siguro, kailangan lang niya matutong mapag-isa. Sabi nga, the greatest teacher is experience. Siguro I just have to walk through all these alone. I've lived most of my years alone naman eh, nakakalungkot pero what can I do? Minsan naitanong ko na rin sa sarili ko, am I the only one who's being childish? At times I think not. Again, I opt not to expound on the thought. Am still thankful that friends are still there to remind her of a rainbow after the rain, that every storm has its eye, where there is calmness.



And the wheel must turn, the cycle must go, and Nascent Charm just have to …



Sometimes it's hard to express what you truly want. Frustrating indeed.

takot ka ba?

May mga bagay at pangyayaring sadyang nakakatakot. Minsan, gusto mong isipin na paranoid ka lang, pero kadalasan, nakakatakot talaga ang mga ito. Yun ba naman nanonood ka ng TV tapos biglang mag-iiba ang palabas at may lalabas na babaeng nakasuot ng uniform sa mental hospital at papunta sa iyo, 'di ka matatakot? Pero mas nakakatakot siguro kumain sa isang fastfood chain na may katabi kang medyo nahulugan ng ilang screw sa ulo, at mas nakakatakot kung hanggang sa pagsakay mo ng jeep eh bigla na lang siyang lilitaw mula sa madilim na lugar na di karaniwang dinadaanan ng tao, uupo sa tapat mo, at after a while eh lilipat ng upuan sa tabi mo at ipipilit na magsumiksik kahit na siyam na kayong naka-upo sa jeep na dapat sana eh pituhan lang(nangyari sa akin ito minsan!). Nakakatakot talaga. Nakakatakot rin yun bigla na lang may magte-text sa iyo, tapos sasabihin na nakita ka niya sa isang lugar at ide-describe pa niya ang kung ano suot mong damit, ang ayos ng buhok, etc. Mas nakakatakot yun nangyari sa isang friend ko, akalain mo ba naman na matutulog na lang siya eh biglang may gumapang na ahas sa mga hita niya! Aba, ang tapang na tao nun, kung ako siguro yun eh nawalan na ko ng ulirat sa sobrang takot (eh larawan pa lang ng ahas eh kinikilabutan na ako, kahit na nga dun sa mga sticker na nakadikit sa tricycle na nauso noong nag-aaral pa ako sa mababang paaralan ng matandang balara—oo, yun ang pangalan ng school ko). Yun iba, natatakot na mawala sa kanila yun mga bagay na nakasanayan na nila, o mga taong minahal na nila; yun iba naman, natatakot na subuking gawin ang mga bagay na di pa nila nai-try mula nun isilang sila sa daigdig. Eto pa ang isang ultimate nakakatakot, yun bang nasabi mo sa isang tao ang isang lihim pagkatapos eh nai-kwento agad niya sa isa 'nyo pang kasama tapos eh sabay ka nilang aasarin tungkol doon! Grabe talaga yun iba JAN!

Pero sa tingin ko, mas nakakatakot ang manatili sa nakaraan. Mas nakakatakot ang mabuhay sa loob ng isang panaginip. Hindi naman masama ang mangarap at magsumikap na abutin ito, pero ang mangarap at mamuhay sa loob nito ay sadyang nakakatakot para sa akin. Gayundin ang manatiling nakalugmok sa hinagpis at poot mula sa di magandang nakaraan. Nakakatakot maging stagnant—para kang tubig na walang ibang silbi kung hindi ang pamugaran at itlugan ng mga lamok at kiti-kiti (wrigglers—hindi yun chewing gum, wrigley’s yun)—hindi ito nagdudulot nga kabutihan para sa daigdig, kung hindi ng panganib. Ibig sabihin, you have to let it flow, you have to let go, you have to move on, you have to face today, you have to have foresight, you have to plan for tomorrow, you have to try new things, you have to grow up as you grow old, you have to learn new trades, you have to explore, you have to live your life. Parang (hindi ito yun anyong lupa at hindi rin yun lugar sa marikina, ibig kong sabihin, parang—in English, it may be translated to “it’s like” or “it seem/s”), ang daling gawin ano, well, ang totoo, nakakatakot rin! Eh siyempre, I need some strength and courage to go on ano, minsan hahanap ka ng ispiration, minsan naman napipilitan kang gawin ang isang bagay dahil na rin sa takot (oh, di ba totoo?). Pero mas maganda kasi kung kusang loob mong gagawin yun mga bagay na yun eh, yun bang dahil gusto mong gawin, hindi dahil kailangan mong gawin. Sa madaling salita, mas madaling gawin ang lahat ng bagay basta gusto mo, it’s easier to move on if you’re willing to forgive and let go of the past; it’s easier to grow up if you’re ready to face it’s challenges; it’s easier to learn new crafts if you’re eager to; it’s easier to live if you have zest in life.

Parang ang gulo ng blog ko ano, hindi ko kasi alam kung paano pagdudugtungin ang mga pangyayari nitong nakaraang mga araw, ayaw ko naman ikuwento rito in detail. Ngayon, gagawa pa ako ng IPP ko—nakakatakot—baka ma-late ako mamaya dapat raw seven a.m. eh nasa office na dahil aalis na kami. Nakakatakot rin, kasi ang dami ko palang dapat gawin! Angel, Mommy, I dreamed of my bear last night! Magulo, parang walang story yun dream ko, all I remember is I saw my dear bear. I just love stuffed bears – they’re soooo huggable.

It was Friday. Nascent moved from a mansion somewhere in Isidora Hills to an old house just across NEB in Malacañang. Everything happened soooo fast. Just two days before, Nascent came into that office completely unaware of what’s going on (seemed like she’s in a trance or something). The boss just asked her if she can report the next day (gulp! What’s this? Nascent wondered, nonetheless, she just requested for a day to fix things back in the mansion.) And, so the fateful Friday morning came, Nascent came to work not yet completely aware of what she’s supposed to do in her new job, knowing no one in the office, and left alone in a room that smelled something like moist soil with dead leaves and twigs starting to decay (poor Nascent, she always get allergic reaction to smells, so the room condition left her with everyday colds – thanks to anti-allergens!). Anyway, after sometime, she got used to it. Knowing no one in the office, and left alone in the room, Nascent felt totally alone, somewhat helpless and partly asking herself why she ever decided to transfer. Days passed and Nascent knew some of the staff in her new office, everything seemed just fine and she’s learned how to do the tasks given to her, all by herself, with some advice from her good roommate. Then came an Angel. It was the Angel who finally made Nascent talk – as in talk!



Now, Nascent recalls her first birthday in that office – that was so unforgettable for she CRIED! Well, someone made her cry, that is. What a nice birthday present! Feeling depressed Nascent went to UST to breathe some fresher air and cry it all out to one of her close friend.



Two years is quite a short time, but Nascent learned a lot of things from her stay in that office. Perhaps wherever she goes, Nascent would never forget the lessons she learned from her work; she will always remember those people who became important parts of her life, those who’ve made her happy and those who made her sad, and even made her cry.



Nascent Charm may have grown up, but inside lies a heart of a child – always yearning to learn, wanting to trust, willing to love, and to show she cares. And though Nascent Charm may have realized a few things while her Angel was away, she’ll always be the same little girl that you left, full of questions, full of zest, full of life.



Angel will always be her Angel. Nascent still misses her charming Mommy. And Nascent’s story goes…

July 2, 2003



I spent nine hours and one minute in the office today (less an hour for lunch break). Went out earlier than usual to watch a movie, but before that, I enjoyed eating a lot of spaghetti – yumyum! The movie’s just fine, action-filled, with lots of stunts and all. Many of the scenes are obviously exaggerated though. Went out the theater so sleepy but now, tada!!! – I can’t sleep.



Why oh why do life have to go on this way? Wala lang, nainis lang ako sa FX kanina kasi naman hanggang Philcoa lang daw siya eh before ako sumakay I asked the driver if Don Antonio siya, and he said YES, tapos nun nasa Philcoa na kami, he asked me and the guy beside me kung saan kami bababa and the driver said na Philcoa lang siya. Oh, well I can’t help but say, “sabi niyo po Don Antonio kayo eh” but then again, ayaw ko nang makipag-talo pa kaya lumipat na lang ako ng sasakyan. And so ayun, instead of saving myself from walking 274 steps (uh, depending on the distance between your steps of course – but at few minutes before eleven and you’re walking alone, malamang bigger steps yun), and a weird overpass (imagine yourself crossing to the other side of the street through an overpass, only to find yourself going down in the middle of the opposite lane – meaning nasa gitna ka na ng malapad na kalye!). Haay…life! Anyway, I am finally home but I just can’t sleep yet so am here blogging all these thoughts of mine.



A while ago, I was reading my journal (you know, I don’t get everything published in my blog, I still keep lots of the more personal stuff a secret). Reading through my past scripts, I noticed how I’ve changed my views, my feelings and my reactions to certain situations. Some things remain the same though, like what I said, before ayaw ko talaga na makipag-talo (I mean yun serious na confrontations), kasi more often than not, I end up crying even though I know that I am right. Ewan, kasalanan ko ba kung madali akong maiyak (but three years ago, I wrote that I want to cry – parang ang gulo ano?)? Seriously, yun nga often times am such a crybaby, ironically, I not so long ago wanted to go to law school (yeah, law school!). Wala lang, I just love it, in fact I even got higher grades in my law subjects than my supposed to be major subjects. I’ve thought of taking the course ever since high school. But after all, Nascent Charm doesn’t always get what she wants… on the second thought, maybe she can – in time.



Things, people, feelings – they all change. The colors fade, and the morning mist turn dry; flowers do fade and into gray turns the sky. And now the person whom I wrote about a few days ago seems just fine – wala lang, parang walang nangyari – okay, eh di okay na – it’s better. And tomorrow, a dear friend is coming back – I missed her a lot. And sometimes, you wake up in the morning feeling something strange, like you’re so happy but you don’t know why; you suddenly smile with no reason at all; sometimes you just get suddenly stunned; some people who notice might think you’re weird (they finally realized – but they can’t figure out what’s making you such); sometimes, you just wakeup feeling so alive, so human, inspired, in loved, engrossed, renewed and amazed. I hope it will not only be sometimes, but all the time. I just felt so far away before, until I realized it. Sometimes you have to feel all alone in order to reconnect with the ones you love, those who truly love you and care enough to reach out to you. I don’t know, sometimes it’s really hard to understand it all, but who needs understanding and explanation when all it takes is faith? Perhaps I still have to learn a lot of things about this world, I’ll take it one at a time. Along the way there’ll always be obstacles, problems, heartaches, physical, emotional, and even spiritual drought, and during these times, all it takes is not knowledge, intelligence or wisdom – but faith, for in itself, it is the greatest wisdom one can possess. And sometimes Nascent gets really weird in her line of thoughts. All I know is that I feel so alive these days, yeah there are probs and pain, but I still feel the joy of staying alive and living with people whom I love. Siguro nga marami pang time to achieve my “milestones” (you know the “first” ones?!). It’s already Thursday – time to post this blog.