Through It All

Been crying...memories of the past dance to and fro in my mind...pieces of my broken heart are thrown all over the timeless bounds of dreams...then hey, this touched me..

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hmm...feeling better..i guess so..naubos na ata tears from my eyes..hehe..life goes on..and on..

Sabi nun nag-preach kanina maraming tao ang nagsasabing mahirap sundin yun mga sinasabi sa bible..halimbawa yun 'love your enemies'. Ma-pride raw kasi ang mga tao; mas gusto gumanti kesa mag-kiss and make-up. Ang dali maka-relate 'di ba? Tinamaan yata ako run! Paano naman fresh na fresh pa yun sakit noh!

Pero as Christians, dapat we are a new creation in Christ eh. Instead of pride, there is humility. Pero, bakit nga ba mahirap tanggapin ng sorry niya? Siguro dahil mas naka-focus ako sa pain na nararamdaman ko. Siguro dahil galit ako; then what happens next? Wala lang. Hindi ko alam.

Tinanong niya ko last night kung ano pwede niyang gawin para mabawasan yun pain na nararamdaman ko. Sabi ko, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam eh; nakatulog nga akong umiiyak. Hmm..sa isang banda, nakabuti rin yun sa physical condition ng mata ko kasi nawash-out na ata mga virus/bacteria ng tears ko..hehe..di na makati mata ko! 

Teka, going back, wala naman siguro talaga siyang pwedeng gawin para mabawasan yun pain eh, Nagsorry naman siya sa'kin; sana lang sincere siya sa sinabi niya. I mean, sana 'wag na lang niya ulitin sa iba (at sana lang mabasa rin niya ito). I may be that bratinela at times pero hindi naman ako ganun kasama para magalit sa kanya forever. And I may often act childlike pero hindi rin ako ganun ka-immature para maging bitter, sirain ang life ko or to just jump from one relationship to another. So Mich my dear friend need not worry about that; I can manage, promise. And I guess Mich was right when she told me before that love isn't enough to have a romantic relationship with someone. Yep he told me that love niya ko; what he meant by that love, I don't know. And yes, I did tell him what I feel pero ganun lang yun. 'Di ko na lang elaborate lahat and just keep that between us..bottomline, tama si Mich. Hindi lang naman kasi love ang kailangan to make that work. Hmmm..save ko na lang yun topic na yun for another entry kasi medyo pina-process pa ng utak ko.

Now about forgiveness (which is one of my main points when i started this post..shocks..see how this brain of mine functions? parang roller coaster!). I guess I learned something from the book Tuesdays with Morrie (thanks Abi!). Sabi sa book, "learn to detach. detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. on the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. that's how you are able to leave it." Yep, I cried a lot. Siyempre, masakit eh! (and am not ashamed of it). Then what's next? Tapos na. Although it still bugs me 'pag bigla ko naaalala, okay lang yun. At least feeling ko tao talaga ko at hindi robot! (hehehe..may mga nilalang kasi na ina-assume na robot ako eh pero save ko na lang din yun for another entry!). I am leaving that experience behind; but not the learning. I am leaving the pain; but not the treasure of friendship and the joy and warmth that it once brought to my life. Wala naman talaga siyang magagawa para mabawasan yun pain na naramdaman ko kasi ako lang ang pwedeng gumawa nun. And yes, i forgave him na. Bilis noh? power yun ni Lord! Pasaway lang ako madalas pero i have faith in HIM naman. Isa pa, mahirap yun maraming galit at sama ng loob na dinadala; mabigat yun tsaka dagdag problema lang!

And so, life goes on. Ayos na 'yun. Sabi nga eh, "all things work together for good to those who love the Lord." 

And to my ex-future-boyfriend, again am quoting from the book Tuesdays with Morrie: "the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and let it come in. let it come in. we think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in, we'll become too soft. but a wise man named Levine said it right. he said, 'love is the only rational act'."  Face your problem man. You're never alone; it's just that you're shutting the door of your heart. I still believe you have it, in spite of everything. While trying to protect the people you love, you're bringing pain not only to them but to yourself. Remember, we are not bad, we just think that we are so we live it out..but hey, we're NOT! May you find the real courage to deal with baggage from your past so that people around you now and in the future may not be bothered by ghosts from the past.