before i left cebu...

bigla ko naalala yun text ni jena na unang-una kong nabasa at 2:10 am nun December 13 (aga ko nagising dahil 5:00 am flight namin back to Manila). sabi niya, "you can't finish a book without closing its chapters. if you want to move on then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress; it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing. the greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we could love ourselves." feeling ko malalaglag ang heart ko habang binabasa ko yun dahil ewan ko ba, dahil siguro antok na antok pa ako at pagod kaya ang basa ko sa first word ay "I." at habang binabasa ko yun, may isang taong na inisip kong nag send ng message na yun (yun phone ko kasi at the end of the message mo lang makikita kung kanino galing ang message kapag marami na laman yun inbox mo). iyak na sana ko nun eh kaso lang pag dating sa dulo nakita ko nga galing pala kay pinsan, kaya binasa ko ulit and I realized na "you" ang first word. then I closed my eyes and asked myself bakit ba siya ang naisip ko? ewan, siguro sa subconscious ko yun ang iniisip ko. pero ngayon ito ang naisip ko:

**you can't finish a book without closing its chapters. if you want to move on then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.** I SAY: closing a chapter doesn't mean forgetting about it; the story isn't complete without its beginning. the present is a continuation of the past. in the learning process, you have to retain information in your memory otherwise ano natutunan mo?

**love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress; it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.** I SAY: yes!

**the greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.** I SAY: often, hindi mo alam kung kailan dapat mag let go at kailan dapat mag hold on. bakit? dahil mixed signals ang binibigay sa iyo. pero siguro, kahit mahirap, kahit baka later on pagsisihan mo, just let go. if the other person cannot give you the commitment that you want now, then the most mature and "loving" way to deal with it is for that to totally get out of your life, wala nang kadramahan na I'll be back or I'll search for you when the right time comes. it is not love but self indulgence that keeps a person hanging with you and feeding you with the poisoned sweets of false hopes. that only means na selfish siyang tao at maaaring hindi niya nare-realize na selfishness ang ginagawa niya. simple lang namang usapan yan: gusto mo ng commitment, hindi niya kaya ibigay - anong dahilan? committed na sa iba? ayaw ng isa lang? worst kung married na pala! pero mas malupit kung ayaw lang talaga sa iyo! sabihin na lang kung alin para tapos na usapan! bakit kailangan tapusin na lang? simple lang, dahil lalo ka lang masasaktan habang tumatagal! kailan ba dapat mag hold on? unless siguro tahasan niyang sabihin na gawin mo yun at alam mo at nakikita mong gumagawa siya ng paraan para maayos ang situation. siyempre kung gusto mo talaga, kahit na ano pa hadlang o problema tutulungan mo siyang lampasan na magkasama kayo (masaya kung magkasama di ba?!). ewan, di naman ako expert sa usaping ito noh! basta sa ngayon ito ang naiisip ko.

**we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we could love ourselves.** I SAY: love yourself first, then learn to give out love, then learn to accept love. when it comes to relationships, loving someone is not a feeling but a decision. why? dahil ang feelings walang explanation, basta naramdaman mo lang. hindi kailangan ipaliwanag, hindi kailangan irationalize. you don't enter into a relationship dahil feel mo lang kasi pag ganito, malamang hindi rin magtagal. sabi ko nga, hindi naman ako expert rito pero para sa akin decision ang magmahal at makipagrelasyon sa isang tao. dahil kapag napagdesisyunan mo ang isang bagay, kaya mong panindigan kahit na kaaway mo na buong barangay. hindi mo ginagawa ito dahil feel mo lang kundi dahil alam mong ito ang gusto mo at dito ka maligaya. at bago ka gumawa ng decision, nag-iisip ka muna, nakikiramdam, naninimbang.. dahil ayaw mong magkamali o ayaw mo na magkamali ulit..ayaw mo na masaktan at ayaw mo makasakit. and it is even better to be alone than be with someone who doesn't love you enough.

growing up

hirap naman magkaroon ng competing priorities. pero mas mahirap makipag-compete with other priorities. hehehe.. somehow nagi-guilty ako when i think about the fact na ang dami kong napabayaang commitments dahil sa ibang priorities. minsan i try to justify -- wala naman akong choice kundi gawin o unahin ang mga iyon. sabi ni abigail (the girl who knows everything..uhhh.. okay sige na po a lot of things na lang -- wag ka nang aangal!), hindi raw pwedeng katwiran na wala kang choice. sa bagay, kung iisipin mabuti tama naman si abi. lalo na kung lilimitahan dun sa context kung bakit niya sinabi sa akin yun. naisip ko lang kasi, may choice nga ako. it was actually a choice between continuing to love someone or starting to love one's self more -- i chose the latter. siguro dahil alam ko naman na kasi yun totoo (and am so thankful dahil nalaman ko yun for if not, i might have chosen the former). medyo matagal rin ako nagreflect sa mga nangyari. it was not easy for me. ako kasi yun tipong akala mo mabait pero matigas ang ulo. when i've made up my mind, kahit against all odds kaya ko panindigan kung gugustuhin ko (and i can rattle down a series of logical explanations and justifications and argue with whoever just to show my point) , but at the same time i also try to weigh the pros and cons of things, lalo na kung major decisions. as much as possible kasi ayaw ko magkamali. reason is, matindi pag ako'y nag-guilt trip..ewan, basta madali lang talagang mabagabag ang aking kalooban at lagi akong nakukunsensiya, minsan nga kahit na sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat dahil hindi ko naman talaga sinadya. kaya rin siguro ganito ko, sabi ko nga sa past blog ko, ang dami kong fears at totoo po iyon. for the longest time, I was afraid of growing up dahil ang daming responsibilities. siguro that's the reason why I often act like a child. pero pag iniisip ko, for fear of growing up, for fear of taking on greater responsibilities, I ended up thinking more like an adult and being totally responsible for myself and all my actions. para sa akin, maturity isn't all about the way you act or talk or carry yourself; it is how you rationally handle situations, come-up with fair and just decisions and be totally responsible for the results of your actions - whether good or bad. and yes, it is okay to make mistakes but maturity lies in the way you accept your shortcomings and do things patch things up. in life, it's not enough that you know a lot of things or have a lot of things; you should know how to be grateful and learn to share. it's not enough that you were able to reach the top; you should be able to reach it na wala kang ginagamit o tinatapakang tao otherwise, wala kang karapatang angkinin na sa iyo ang puwestong kinalalagyan mo. ang totoo, everything is meaningless naman kung hindi ka masaya, or a better word would be maligaya. joy - isa na siguro ito sa pinakamasarap na feeling! hopeful pa rin ako na before the year ends, maaayos ko rin lahat ito at makakabawi rin ako sa mga shortcomings ko. hopefully, I could start the new year with greater resolve and courage to move on. yep, am no longer afraid of growing up because I already am!

series of unfortunate events 1

I still believe in a pattern prepared by the Almighty in this tapestry of life. Sabi nga, everything happens for a purpose, pero mas gusto ko yun verse na "all things work together for good." Why am I writing this? It's because recently, ang daming nangyari na nakaka-inis, nakakasakit ng heart, nakakapagod at nakaka-iyak sa life ko at sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. I'll try to write them down here in no particular order..kung ano lang maalala ko kasi medyo matagal na kong hindi nakapag-blog.

SMALL WORLD. Just when I thought this is it, there's no turning back; why do I have to meet (and to a certain extent work with) his kuya?! Janice said, "haha..destiny siguro!" to which I retorted "anong kasalanan ko kay destiny?!" Yep, I did asked why of all people we had to meet, for he just reminded me of the days when I was still close to his bro. They kind of have things in common so I almost had no doubt that they're brothers. Haay..if only Mrs. D know this fact, she wouldn't have told me, "ganun, with that brief encounter ang dami mo na alam sa kanya? Hmm..hmm.." Sumakit tuloy tiyan ko sa katatawa nun gabing ka-text ko siya! Di ko talaga mapigilan matawa nun kasi naman, pagdudahan ba?! hehehe.. Pero siyempre, di na ko nagkwento pa para hindi na humaba ang usapan! Pero okay naman na ko after those first days of questioning why. I guess it's just a way of allowing me to gauge if okay na nga ba ako after those exchanges of words and feelings. Though am still affected, I guess I'm better now.

IT'S NOT FIREWORX BUT A CASE OF ELECTRICAL TROUBLE. The night the typhoon was supposed to hit Metro Manila but swirled to Southern Luzon instead, the T-girls dared to brave against the weather and stormed through one of our fave hangouts, Mocha Blends Matalino. It was nothing, it's just that there was no work the following day and we just want to make tambay and talk or just stare at each other while seated on the sofa - our fave area. Then something sparked outside and nag-fluctuate ang ilaw hanggang tuluyang namatay then there was a boom! Familiar ang tunog na yun sa akin..madalas kong marinig yun sa lugar namin nun maliit pa ko. Late 80's yun at uso ang brownout sa lugar namin dahil madalas sumabog ang transformer ng meralco. Actually, hindi ko alam kung yun nga ba ang tawag sa incident na iyon, basta yun ang naririnig kong sinasabi ng matatanda kapag nawawalan kami ng kuryente. Naisip ko, uso pa pala yun ngayon, at sa commercial place pa! Then there was this flare na parang fountain that came from the electric post at the corner of the street..biglang sumindi yun ilaw parang split second lang tapos namatay na naman. Naglabasan yun mga crew ng coffee shop. May tumakbo sa isang kotse at inilayo sa poste. Then may nagsabi na itawag na raw sa 117. All along, nakupo lang kami nila Abi at Meyps may lighted candle na sa table namin. Wala na talaga pag-asang sumindi ang ilaw. After some minutes, nag-uuwian na mga tao sa shop kaya napilitan na rin kaming umuwi. We went to Philcoa to find another place sana at bumili na rin ng ilang bagay sa mercury drug tsaka internet card. Kaya lang di na kami nagstay ng matagal, we decided to go home na lang kasi lumalakas ang hangin at umuulan na. Sarap ng tulog ko nun kasi ang lamig! Kaya okay na rin kahit na nawalan ng ilaw sa kapihan, at least napa-aga ang uwian at di kami naabutan ng malakas na ulan sa daan!

ALL BECAUSE OF A DINNER. I get bored (and lazy) of routine work so the day that the E.D. assigned me to work on a Department's request, I was kind of excited though at the same time frustrated because it seemed that I have to work on it all by my self. Huh, I thought challenge - and it really was one! Good thing the boss has a lot of connects from all over the place, and presto may activity na kami sa Cebu! But it doesn't mean that working on the task became easy, actually dahil nga may network everywhere si boss the task became more complicated. At one point, I realized that we were faced with co-organizing and coordinating four events in a row (all because of a dinner invitation huh!). Anyway, after sending those letter invites to nine countries, follow-ups and all, no one confirmed. Naisip ko lang kasi, parang they already had four regional meetings this quarter, magdadagdag pa ba naman ng isa?! I mean, think of the schedule and the cost rin naman hindi ba? Anyway, the Director of the other Department said that he'll still submit my 2 bossings' names to the organizers for the guest list and card invites. All along, I still need to coordinate with people in Cebu and UNICEF for the other activity tapos iniwan pa ko ni boss ng isang buong linggo dahil pumunta na Davao. I still remember the look on her face when she made pa-cute and told me "that means, you're on your own!" Good thing there are those people in the office whom I can run to (thanks to Mrs. D, LAU, Tita Chat, Tita Lourd, Cherry Bear and Tita Ric - and Clehenia of course for being my sounding board). At eto yun turning point: December 12 (Tuesday) in the morning we have a back to back activity in Cebu then I have to ensure na makarating ng CICC yun 2 bossing for the dinner then the following day, December 13 (Wednesday) may breakfast Presscon sa Manila. December 11 (Monday) the E.D. and I will leave for Cebu. December 7, PM I asked the Director of the other Department logistical concerns re the participation of the 2 bossings to the dinner; also asked if OP will send card invites as he said in our meetings because to that time we haven't received any for the boss. He said dun na lang daw niya bigay sa akin sa Cebu and he'll check with OP and text me the following day. I thought, "okay, ganun pala arrangement nila, madali naman akong kausap eh no problem." December 8 around an hour past lunch break I got a text from him na di na raw kasali sector namin sa dinner along with the children and elderly. Napaisip pa ako nun, eh di kaya mali siya ng send sa akin kasi he addressed the message to Usec. Bala at Exec. Dir. Laigo. Pero binanggit naman niya yun sector namin sa di ma-accommodate kaya naisip ko di naman siguro siya nagkamali ng text, baka alangan lang ilagay ang pangalan ko sa isang message na ise-send sa group (hehehe..di ko na kasalanan yun kung naiilang ang ibang tao sa pangalan ko!). Anyway, I called him to check if tama ba gets ko (mahirap na magkamali ano!). So ayun, tama ako..nagpaliwanag pa siya ng mahaba, sorry and all pero ang iniisip ko nun mga sandaling yun kung paano ko sasabihin sa boss ko, lalo na dun sa isang nasa Pakistan. Naisip ko rin, ang daya nitong taong ito, ang haba-haba ng explanation eh load ko itong ginagamit ko! After we talked, balik ako sa room namin, tamang-tama andun din si Mrs. D. then I announced in a sad tone na hindi na raw kasama sila boss sa dinner. Siyempre gulat sila dahil alam nila kung gaanong hassle ang dinala sa life namin nun dinner na yun. I just explained na kakausap ko lang dun sa kabilang Department eh ngayon lang din daw sila na-inform ng organizers..hehe..ewan, I just ended up explaining their side though siyempre nalungkot ako run sa news and really, ang sakit sa heart! Kasi po yun ang start ng lahat-lahat tapos biglang ganun na lang yun..wala na rin atrasan yun sa mga in-organize naming activities na sana kung di sila nag-invite for the dinner hindi rin nagulo sked ko at naayos ko ng maaga ang board meeting namin, nakatulong ako sa ibang officers ng EA para magprepare for the agency Christmas party, at maaga ko rin nagawa ang Christmas shopping at nakapagbalot na ko ng gifts. AT sana rin, hindi ko ni-cancel ang appointment ko with my dentist ng biglaan para naalis na ang braces ko at this Christmas retainers na lang ang gamit ko! Amazing how a single decision can actually trigger a chain of harsh effects on others. Sad thing is, it often goes unnoticed simply because hindi naman po kasi sila yun na-hassle at ang laging apektado siyempre yun mga taong gumagawa at sumusunod sa kanila. Am I complaining?! Hindi naman ..hehe.. Marami rin akong natutunan dahil sa pangyayaring ito. Napilitan din akong makipag-deal sa iba't-ibang tao (ahehe.. wa care kahit sino kausap dahil I've got to keep going!). I met new people, took on a new perspective and got an invite for another dinner! Hahahaha.. hindi naman ako pupunta run!

A Fool 'til the End

Update: I recently found a link on youtube that features this song, so here it is:

Before you go away to the one you do belong

So glad we met and you stayed, though it wasn't very long

Was it only just a dream? It's over now, it seems

If there were no goodbyes, would you say that you still care?

I won't believe my eyes when I see you won't be there.

'Coz this love's so hard to find, now you're leavin' me behind...Ohh please...

Show me and tell me, how do you put this love aside

Put it away for another time, with no guarantee that you'll be mine

A fool I am it seems, 'coz I'll be lovin' you in my dreams

Until I wake up and then, time ain't our friend; I'll just stay a fool 'til the end

If it only was a game, why do you have to fool my heart

Oh boy [girl] ain't it a shame that we promised from the start

That our love was here to stay for each and everyday

If I had only known, if I didn't have to care

Then being all alone, wouldn't be so hard to bear

This love's so hard to find, that were leavin' here behind...Ohh please...

Show me and tell me, how do you put this love aside

And put it away for another time, with no guarantee that you'll be mine

A fool I am it seems, coz' I'll be lovin' you in my dreams

Until I wake up and then, time ain't our friend; I'll just stay a fool 'til the end

I maybe overacting, I know I must stay strong

But you pulled the string too hard, and now we're goin' on our own...

Show me and tell me, how do you put this love aside

Put it away for another time, with no guarantee that you'll be mine

A fool I am it seems, coz' I'll be lovin' you in my dreams

Until I wake up and then, time ain't our friend; I'll just stay a fool 'til the end...

...I'll just stay a fool 'til the end...

This song definitely strikes my heart. It simply describes what I've been going through the past months. To the person who is the reason behind all these foolishness (who incidentally was born on this day many years ago): I don't even know why you came, and why you're suddenly leaving. It might have been all along, just a game for you...I really don't know; but as for me, I sincerely loved, and maybe, I will always love you. 

sometimes, life's full of boredom!!!!

haaaay....that's what i said when.....wala akong masabi....kasi bored ako.....am so bored that i cannot even think of something to say....