growing up

hirap naman magkaroon ng competing priorities. pero mas mahirap makipag-compete with other priorities. hehehe.. somehow nagi-guilty ako when i think about the fact na ang dami kong napabayaang commitments dahil sa ibang priorities. minsan i try to justify -- wala naman akong choice kundi gawin o unahin ang mga iyon. sabi ni abigail (the girl who knows everything..uhhh.. okay sige na po a lot of things na lang -- wag ka nang aangal!), hindi raw pwedeng katwiran na wala kang choice. sa bagay, kung iisipin mabuti tama naman si abi. lalo na kung lilimitahan dun sa context kung bakit niya sinabi sa akin yun. naisip ko lang kasi, may choice nga ako. it was actually a choice between continuing to love someone or starting to love one's self more -- i chose the latter. siguro dahil alam ko naman na kasi yun totoo (and am so thankful dahil nalaman ko yun for if not, i might have chosen the former). medyo matagal rin ako nagreflect sa mga nangyari. it was not easy for me. ako kasi yun tipong akala mo mabait pero matigas ang ulo. when i've made up my mind, kahit against all odds kaya ko panindigan kung gugustuhin ko (and i can rattle down a series of logical explanations and justifications and argue with whoever just to show my point) , but at the same time i also try to weigh the pros and cons of things, lalo na kung major decisions. as much as possible kasi ayaw ko magkamali. reason is, matindi pag ako'y nag-guilt trip..ewan, basta madali lang talagang mabagabag ang aking kalooban at lagi akong nakukunsensiya, minsan nga kahit na sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat dahil hindi ko naman talaga sinadya. kaya rin siguro ganito ko, sabi ko nga sa past blog ko, ang dami kong fears at totoo po iyon. for the longest time, I was afraid of growing up dahil ang daming responsibilities. siguro that's the reason why I often act like a child. pero pag iniisip ko, for fear of growing up, for fear of taking on greater responsibilities, I ended up thinking more like an adult and being totally responsible for myself and all my actions. para sa akin, maturity isn't all about the way you act or talk or carry yourself; it is how you rationally handle situations, come-up with fair and just decisions and be totally responsible for the results of your actions - whether good or bad. and yes, it is okay to make mistakes but maturity lies in the way you accept your shortcomings and do things patch things up. in life, it's not enough that you know a lot of things or have a lot of things; you should know how to be grateful and learn to share. it's not enough that you were able to reach the top; you should be able to reach it na wala kang ginagamit o tinatapakang tao otherwise, wala kang karapatang angkinin na sa iyo ang puwestong kinalalagyan mo. ang totoo, everything is meaningless naman kung hindi ka masaya, or a better word would be maligaya. joy - isa na siguro ito sa pinakamasarap na feeling! hopeful pa rin ako na before the year ends, maaayos ko rin lahat ito at makakabawi rin ako sa mga shortcomings ko. hopefully, I could start the new year with greater resolve and courage to move on. yep, am no longer afraid of growing up because I already am!