Kimmidoll Tatsuyo (Strong Hearted)

I just find Tatsuyo's virtue very much related to yesterday's post about moving on and being at peace with the past.

Maxi size Kimmidoll: Tatsuyo meaning Strong Hearted
Last of last Monday's batch of kimmidolls that I brought home with me.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #7: when the pain is gone

Seven years. It has been that long? I don't exactly know when or how it happened but it has. All those years, I know that the day will come when I will no longer feel that pain whenever I remember those moments -- a time when I no longer want to know the answers to my questions -- asked and unasked. It doesn't matter to me anymore whether the feeling was mutual. I no longer think of what could have beens and what ifs. I no longer wish to set things straight once and for all -- it doesn't matter anymore to me. 

Yes, the pain is gone. I no longer feel it but I know that I am not, and I never was numb. I am more at peace now -- with myself, with my past, with now, and the prospects for the future. I have known myself more -- I know what I want and what I don't. I know when to take and give chances. I know my worth and my purpose. I know what I can give and what I am willing to give at certain points. I am free -- finally!

Kimmidoll Aki (Understanding)

Meet Aki meaning Understanding. She's also one of the dolls that I brought home with me last Monday. She is a keychain. I like the virtue that she represents: learning and inquiry -- that is one thing that I think people ought to have more of. And yes, learning and inquiry must come with an open mind so that we can understand and discern insights in life.

Kimmidoll Aki - Understanding (keychain)

Limited Edition Kimmidoll Seina (Prosperity)

One of the Kimmidolls that went home with me last night: Limited Edition Seina "Prosperity"

My 4th limited edition kimmidoll: Seina meaning Prosperity.  

HONEY: My first Kimmidoll Junior -- just because we're namesakes!

Just out of the paper bag: Kimmidoll Junior Honey

With each of us busy and with Ate Mel often on field work for post-Yolanda reconstruction, Monday became the new Friday.

Ira of Rustan's Gateway has been sending us SMS since last month informing us that their new stocks of Kimmidolls are already in store. Since I was still on exile oh I mean, on residential training at the Development Academy of the Philippines Tagaytay, Ira volunteered to reserve some new dolls for us.

Today being one rare moment that the three of us are in Quezon City, off we went to Gateway; oh yes, never mind that it's Monday!

While contemplating on which of the cutesy dolls to bring home with me (oh yes, I do contemplate on it since I an not a richie-rich girl!), an excited Ate Hazel showed this Kimmidoll Junior to me pointing out that it's name is like mine. I don't collect the juniors, I only have Kimmidolls and Kimmidoll Love so at first I was hesitant to get it since it costs PhP 685.00. But on the second thought, wow we're namesakes so why not? Unlike the Kimmidolls which represents virtues, the Junior dolls are more like doll friends with slumbookish descriptions. I like her quotable quote: "friends are like music, together we work in harmony." And this Kimmi namesake of mine is musically inclined, just like me! Okay, I am kidding! But, yep I am musically inclined, it's just that music is not so into me! LOL! 

My very first Kimmdoll Junior: Honey

The Soulmate You Deserve (and the one I am looking for)

By CODY GOHL | DEC. 10, 2012 

"He will tell all of his friends that you are breathtaking. And when they smile politely he’ll repeat it, slowly, No, I mean really, truly breeaaatthhhtakkkiinnngg, will insist that they think about what it would feel like to have the very wind sucked out of them and placed inside of a music box. They won’t understand, but it will be the best way he will know how to describe why when you looked at him for the first time, all he could hear was music and the sound of his own breathing.

You will meet him at a pie-eating contest or at a bad house party or because you happen to be the only two people who like going to the park when it rains. He will be friendly and ask you for your name. You will give it to him. You will talk for hours and when he finally asks for your telephone number, you’ll hesitate. Take the chance, give him your number, ask him out to coffee. He will say yes to anything you ask of him because he loves like you love: sometimes too eagerly, sometimes too early, but always deeply.

He won’t be the most handsome or the most successful person you've ever met. His left front tooth will be a little crooked and his favorite movie will be something embarrassing like Must Love Dogs or The Lakehouse, but he’ll fill your days with small surprises, like stuffing all of the pockets of all of your pants and coats with your favorite candy on your birthday. He’ll write things like Have a beautiful smile and Be loved on all of your to-do lists, checking them off in thick red ink. When he walks into your living room to find you dancing, half-naked, to I want it that way he will not laugh or mock you, but will grab your hand and sing every word at the top of his lungs. And when you accidentally knock over a drink at an important dinner, he’ll knock over his entire plate to save you from embarrassment.

You will shimmy your way through many decades together. You will choose the paint for the walls of your home based on the silliness of their names: tantalizing tangerine, indigo dream. You will name your children after your favorite characters from your favorite books and he will teach them important things like the difference between frogs and toads and how to whistle with their index and pinky fingers. It won’t always be an easy life, but it will be a life of dancing on tabletops and too-strong margaritas, of embarrassing-the-kid kisses and quiet afternoons with no words, no sounds other than the crinkle of pages he will turn in the book you’re both reading while nesting on the couch.

For him, you will be the light at the end of the tunnel, the halo of glowing yellow that he has been waiting for. Never forget that you are someone worth steering for, someone worth the swift kick in the opposite direction worth all of the trials and checklists and almost rights because you are a mountaintop, the crush of violet on skin from a rainbow that seems so close to the earth that it must be real. When he comes to you, gorge on his compassion. Fill yourself completely. He will think you a miracle, a revelation and will count himself as the lucky one. Do not question him or yourself — this is exactly the kind of love you deserve."


My thoughts: I am not dreaming of a fairy-tale like love story where the princess finds her prince or ms. damsel in distress is saved by a knight in shining armor who falls in love with her then they will live happily ever after. I am not a princess and life is not a fairy tale. I am definitely not a damsel in distress -- actually, some of my friends point out that I seem to be so independent, empowered and yet a goody-good girl, so guys shy away from me (and I reacted: "I am whaaaat???"). I am definitely not sorry for what I am, perhaps I am sorry for what they think I am, without really -- as in really at least trying to know me beyond what is superficial. Contrary to popular belief (well, if my friends are really right with their hypothesis on my non-existent love life), I am not a self-centered and dominatrix playing hard to get bratinela from the palace. Neither am I a fragile lass who must be protected from the harsh elements and dubious people of this earth at all costs. I am a normal human being, living an ordinary life (read: I live, I feel, I eat, I work, I earn, I get tired, I get cranky, I need rest...). Like many people, I also want a life partner -- and by that I mean a boyfriend/husband who will see and treat me as such -- a partner. I want someone who really communicates -- I don't want to play guessing games or hide and seek -- I mean, I think I am much of a grown up for those flirting things. I want someone whom I can talk with about life, about love, about us, about dreams, hopes, the future, about our fears, frustrations, desires, fantasies, about anything and everything -- someone who listens and talks to share what's in his mind. I am not looking for a knight in shining armor or a superhero. Neither am I looking for a perfect guy -- why should I? I am definitely not a perfect girl, but that's exactly the point. I want someone who, like me, sees and acknowledges that we are both imperfect, but we can see beyond those imperfections and work things out together. Someone who can ride along with my brand of humor in the same way that I can get along with his. I want someone with whom I can be weird, eccentric, deviant, or silly from time to time yet still accept me for that; in the same vein, that someone will not be afraid or shy to let me see his idiosyncrasies -- and I will accept or even love that quirky side of him. I want someone with whom I will grow up and grow old with, with bits and pieces of child-like craziness on the side. I want someone whom I can genuinely respect -- yep, I may be like a wonder girl sometimes but still, I am looking for that guy who can remind me that I need to stop for a while -- and yes, I will listen! But does he really exist? I believe so...maybe he is not exactly like this for now, but he will be once we're together. What made me think so? Because love, as in life itself is a series of negotiations; of drawing and redrawing boundaries; of constantly changing to be a better person for one's self and for others. Yes, I am not looking for a perfect guy and I am not a perfect girl, but we can be stick together and form a bond that will perfectly fit us together -- from dusk 'til dawn; through crests and troughs; through triumphs, defeats and constant trying...that is the kind of love that I deserve.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #6

Bakit lagi mo na lang ginugulo ang isip ko? Alam mo ba na okey na sana ako? Sabi ko sa last post ko, tapos na eh, gets ko na na wala lang naman talaga. Pero bakit ba nagpakita, nagpaalam at yumakap ka pa? Awkward.

Sorry, awkward moment talaga yun kahapon. Hindi naman kasi ako sanay na ganun ka sa akin because you always keep your distance from me. For many times, inisip ko na mas mabuti nga yun ganun -- less attachment, less prone to intrigues because it seems like people are attaching meaning to our every move. Honestly, hindi ko gusto yun ganun. I just feel bad about it because I have been through similar situations before. Nakaka-inis lang yun bigyan ng malice ang lahat kahit simpleng gesture lang; pero mas nakaka-inis lang siguro dati kasi feeling naman yun guys. That's one reason why I told you last Wednesday na thankful ako sa iyo because you have been a real gentleman. And even though some people put a question mark on your being a man, para sa akin mas mas real man pa rin yun tulad mo -- or at least the way I see you and the way you act when we are in the same place. Awkward rin kasi I don't know how to react when you approached me sa classroom and hugged me -- nakaka conscious lang kasi may mga tao and baka ano na naman sabihin nila -- sana kasi niyakap mo na lang silang lahat eh! I wanted to hug you back to thank you, kaso nga awkward moment.

Last night's SMS exchanges was nice. I just like the way our minds and humor meet often times -- bihira lang kasi yun ganun, most guys either get pissed off with my semi-harsh blows or entirely shy away or feel insecure when I share my serious thoughts; others give off dry humor so turn off. So pwede na kitang idagdag sa listahan ng very few guys whom I really consider as friends, not just colleagues or acquaintances. Waking up with the sound of an SMS from you this morning is just kind of sweet.

Pero ganun na lang. There may be fleeting moments here and there pero ayaw ko na mag-assume. Masakit kasi yun sisihin ka ng guy for falling in love with him at sabihan ka na layuan siya pagkatapos ng ilang taon na he befriended you, make you feel like his princess; sorry, wala kang kinalaman dun pero I learned many lessons the hard way sa experience na yun. So I guess we will be friends; I hope so.

chasing and running from that one thing called love #5

Para kang foreign language, ang hirap basahin, ang hirap ispellengin, ang hirap intindihin. Ito na nga kasi yun ayaw ko sa history repeats itself na ito. I would like to think that you are different, pero sa ngayon ang labo lang talaga.

So I guess I will just leave it that way, no more moves kasi nakakapagod na rin. Pero more than being tired, I am afraid of once again feeling left in limbo. I can already sense that familiar tinge of pain that I do not want to go through again. Ang hirap lang ng situation na ganito, I just feel lost -- parang hide and seek sa kadiliman ng gabi, paghahanap ng daan pauwi kung malayo sa EDSA, o haring chess piece na single steps kung gumalaw pero sa pag-checkmate naman hindi rin maka-isa. 

Pero bakit ko pa ba pahihirapan ang sarili ko kaiisip sa iyo? Why do I care about you anyway? Why am I concerned of what they say about you or of their judgment of you? Kailangan bang i-explain yun? I guess it is better to ask, pwede nga bang ipaliwanag 'yun? Can things like that be rationalized? Parang hindi ko na kayang ipaliwanag, baka hindi pa lang tamang oras; or baka mas tama yun hindi lang ikaw ang tamang tao. 

Sana kasi mas simple na lang ang life -- 'yun hindi kailangan makipag taguan, hindi kailangan makipaghulaan, hindi kailangan manimbang kung lalapit ka ba o lalayo. Bakit ba kasi ginagawang complicated ang mga bagay-bagay? Mas madali naman ang lumayo o umiwas na lang para wala nang usapan at hindi na rin ako mahirapan. Siguro nga chicken pa rin ako pagdating sa bagay na ito. Sinubukan ko naman eh, pero ang labo lang talaga, hindi kita ma-gets. Pero instead na problemahin ko pa, iisipin ko na lang na it's not meant to be. At kung totoo man ang sinasabi ni Daddy D about destiny, malamang hindi lang talaga ikaw 'yun para sa akin...kasi kung ikaw 'yun hindi siguro ganito. Hindi naman ako naging sobrang samang tao to not deserve being happy and loved.

I will find my own happiness. I will find someone who will be happy with me. I will find someone who will not make me feel unlovable; someone with whom I can grow up and grow old with -- 'yun walang confusions kasi we both know how to communicate with each other. I will find that one man who deserves my full trust, confidence and genuine respect; someone with whom I will not be afraid of expressing love in all ways possible. When that day comes, I will be joyful and content, not because of a fairy tale-like story of living happily ever after, but because I know I am with a man who is man enough to dare to know me beyond what is superficial. Yes, I will find that man whom my future daughter described in my eulogy; someone who will discover that behind the often intimidating facade is a girl who is sweet, thoughtful and loving; a man who will advise our son to find a girl with a character like their mom. In due time, I will be with that one guy whom I will love and care for until my last breath.