another week!

Tagal ko nang walang post sa blog, at di ko pa rin na-upload yun last two blogs ko. 

11/11 pala ngayon. First day ng airing ng QTV channel 11! Grand opening din pala nun Paskong Pasiklab sa Q.C. Past 11 na rin ako naka-uwi ngayong gabi!

Great night with the T-girls sa Conspiracy last October 25. Nood ng Orange and Lemons sa Conspiracy after ng picture taking sa "love ko to" Mcdo Visayas.

Star City night with Nanis, Tita Dez at 3 little boys na kasama niya nun October 29. Enjoy talaga kami (kakasigaw. hehehe…). Umpisahan ba ang rides sa wild river?! Pinaka masaya yun sumakay kami ni Nanis sa round-up. Definitely sasakay ako run ulit kapag nakabalik ako sa Star City! Kailangan makahanap ulit ng kasama na game sumakay sa mga wild rides, pumasok sa horror house at sumigaw kahit wala naman nakakatakot, just for the heck of it! Kung pwede rin yun magaling dun sa mga games like pag-shoot ng bola sa malaking milk bottle, pag-shoot ng tokens sa glass squares, etc. Dami kasing ganun games run eh tapos gusto namin ni Nanis yun super laking stuffed toys na prize nila! Eh di naman kami marunong nun mga yun, baka masayang lang money namin kasi eleven pesos isang token.

October 30 to November 6, di talaga ako pumasok sa office! One week na bum. Tulog na walang hanggan. Naging yaya rin pala ko nun one-year old pamangkin ko for almost four days. Hirap talaga mag-alaga ng bata, nakakapagod! Gusto sana namin magbakasyon ni Angel pero wala kami parehong budget para run! Kung ako napagod sa pag-alaga ng pamangkin, siya naman na-bore lang sa bakasyon dahil tinatamad naman siyang gawin yun paper niya.

Last Monday, back to reality ako. Work, work and more work pero siyempre may time pa rin for some nice conversations with the T-girls. I met Angel pala last Monday night. Yun yung gabi na nadapa ako sa stairs kaya until now may pasa ako sa dalawang tuhod. The usual talks lang at confessions..hehehe..sinabi ko na rin pala kay Lola Au yun confession ko. Tuesday morning, as if hindi pa enough yun magkapasa sa knees, naipit naman fingers ko sa door ng fx! Napuruhan nga yun middle finger ko sa left hand, until now sumasakit pa rin kapag nadiinan. Tuesday night, I walked around Quiapo..alone..wala lang, gusto ko lang maglibang (kakaibang trip..sa dami ng lugar sa Quiapo pa!). Wednesday night, tumawa nang tumawa sa fx with PaHam and Meanie. Thursday night, KFC delight sa Mendiola then LRT ride from Legarda hanggang Anonas. Tonight (I can write the saddest lines…ngyek, Pablo Neruda pala yun!), dinner with PaHam and Meanie then coffee sa likod ng QC Hall (di ko alam nun street na yun, intersecting kalayaan ave.).

Ito yun theme ng usapan namin lately, mga reminiscing moments nun younger years namin (grade school, high school, college). Ito yun list ko ng mga bagay na nami-miss ko:

Grade School

1. Mag-review/sagot ng questions from index cards in preparation for the quiz bee
2. Yun upuan namin nun grade 2-3 na may taguan ng things sa ilalim ng desk at table niyo yun likod ng upuan nun nasa harap niyo
3. Yun square tables namin nun grades 5-6. Kami lang ang may ganun sa buong school!
4. Field trips. Madalas ako sa harap ng pila noon dahil kabilang ako sa maliliit sa klase
5. Inter-school competitions
6. Classmates ko, siyempre
7. Scary stories ala urban legend about the school being haunted
8. Swimming at first aid lessons namin nun summer after grade 5 sa red cross. Kasama na yun long walks namin papunta sa Balara Filter
9. Mga programs at class presentations kapag may occasions like Linggo ng Wika, etc.
10. Recognition day at the end of every school year

High School

1. Journalism class (pati teacher at friends!) at Press Conferences, kasama na yun Jollibee together namin after ng last day ng Conference
2. Inter-class contests kapag may occasions like Linggo ng Wika, Science Month, etc.; lalo na yun practice days for song interpretation contests
3. Recognition days pa rin
4. GSP Den
5. Batibot sa harap ng Canteen
6. Classmates ko pa rin, siyemps
7. Yun uniform ko na parang Christmas wrapper (checkered red and green)
8. Science Lab
9. GSP Camping (sayang, 2 lang nasamahan ko!)
10.School programs kasi bukod sa suspended ang klase, madalas mag special number yun crush ko! hehehe…

College

1. UST campus, the way it was
2. Central Library, esp. Filipiniana and Social Science Sections
3. Yun uniform ko na all white, kahit madalas ako mapagkamalang nursing student sa lugar namin!
4. Classmates pa rin!
5. Jollibee Asturias (yun seat sa tabi ng window)
6. Ang pagong, ibon at matsing
7. Graded recitation sa law at taxation! Challenging eh!
8. Computer classes..gusto ko magprogram eh!
9. Paskuhan
10.Group projects

Add ko na rin ito sa list, hango sa isa kong blog site, posted August 2, 2005

Tuwing Umuulan

Minsan, nagsasawa na rin akong magsulat ng tungkol sa feelings ko kapag umuulan. Kadalasan kasi, puro malulungkot na bagay ang naiisip at naisusulat ko. Ewan ko ba, masarap yatang magpakasenti kapag umuulan, napaka perfect nun gloomy na atmosphere. Pero nakakasawa naman magpakasenti lagi noh! Kaya, para maiba naman, iba naman ang inisip ko.

Ilang araw na rin kasing umuulan kaya inisip ko yun top ten masasayang bagay na ginagawa ko noon kapag umuulan..mga bagay na nami-miss ko ngayon at sana pwede ko ulit gawin sa mga darating na araw..

1. Siyempre, ang maligo sa ulan (pwede siguro, dun lang ako sa loob ng bakuran at isasarado ko yun gate)

2. Punuin ng tubig ulan yun drum para magswimming sa loob nito (hindi na masaya ito kasi lagpas bewang ko na lang yun drum eh dati kasi hanggang leeg ko yun!)

3. Gumawa at maglaro ng bangkang papel (yep, why not?!)

4. Maglaro ng putik (yoko na nito kasi pangit yun lupa sa bakuran namin ngayon, di tulad nun sa dati na parang clay)

5. Magduyan sa ilalim ng patak ng ulan (wala na kaming swing eh..pero last time kong nagawa ito June last year..sa isang park..sarap ulitin kung may pagkakataon)

6. Mamitas at kumain ng bayabas pagkatapos ng ulan - hindi ko alam kung bakit nahihinog ang bunga ng bayabas kapag umuulan (sayang, wala na kaming puno ng bayabas)

7. Umakyat sa puno para manghuli ng salagubang - pero takot akong magapangan ng salagubang (hindi ko alam kung marunong pa akong umakyat ng puno..tagal ko na palang hindi nagawa ang umakyat sa puno!)

8. Paanurin na parang bangka yun tsinelas ko sa gilid ng kalsada (ngyek! Yoko na nito..marami na kasing nakatira sa amin eh, dati kasi bukod sa bata lang naman ako eh kaunti pa lang nakatira sa lugar namin at kilala namin mga tao. Ngayon, ewan..dami-dami na nila..)

9. Manood lang ng pagbuhos ng ulan habang nakadungaw sa bintana (this I almost always do)

10. Makipagbatuhan ng plastik na may tubig - a la water grenade (wala na kong kabatuhan ngayon)

Night-dreaming while wide awake on a Sunday after my birthday

Naisip ko lang, iba-iba pala iniisip ng ibang tao sa isang tao (hmm..eto na naman ako, magulo na naman ang mga pangungusap).

Noong minsan, nakita ko ang isang ka-friendster sa Araneta Center. Nasabi niya sa akin na gusto niya ko makita uminom dahil masyado raw wholesome ang image ko (oh, alam kong alam mo na ikaw ang tinutukoy ko!). Hindi ko alam kung ano koneksyon ng pag-inom sa pagiging wholesome, o kung ano nga ba ang eksaktong kahulugan ng salitang iyon-kadalasan kasi ay iba-iba ang connotation natin sa mga salitang tulad nito.

Sabi nun isang kasama ko, napaka-taray ko raw. Hmm.. medyo marami atang nagsasabi nun.

Meron akong kilala, hindi ata ako tumatanda sa paningin niya. Ewan ko ba, minsan eh nakukunsume na ko run, kulang na lang eh sabihin kong, "hello po, beite-sais na'ko!" Ang nakakainis lang kasi run, tingin niya bata ka, pwedeng utus-utusan, pwedeng tawagin kahit kailan. Haay..bata lang po siguro sa paningin ninyo pero tao rin naman..marunong mapagod at nakakahalata rin kung mukhang meron kang pinapaboran. Sa isang banda, kung hindi lang ako parang bata mag-isip kung minsan (o madalas ata kung pag-iisipan), malamang eh matagal na ko nakulong sa mental.

Makulit lang kasi ako at pag nasa height ng kakulitan, sadyang may kaingayan. Pero hindi ibig sabihin noon na pa-easy-easy lang ako sa buhay. Marami na nga akong problema, pu-problemahin ko pa ba?! Pero ewan ko ba, may mga taong feeling ata nila eh sila lang ang nangangailangan sa mundo. Pakiramdam ko, discriminated ako dahil single ako (actually, di lang naman ako ang nakapuna nito). Pwede ka naman umuwi ng gabi dahil walang asawa at anak na naghihintay sa iyo. Hindi mo naman kailangan ng malaking sweldo dahil wala ka naman asawa o anak. Bakit naghihintay ka na naman ng sweldo, may lalaki ka bang pinag-aaral? Excuse me po, masyado naman akong bata para maging sugar mommy noh! Wala nga akong asawa o anak pero may pamilya rin naman ako. May mga magulang akong naghihintay sa bahay at mga batang kapatid na nag-aaral. Isa pa, wala naman akong kinalaman sa pagiging may asawa at anak nila..bakit kailangang maapektuhan din ako run?

Nag-usap kami nun isang kasama ko. Feeling namin eh ayaw sa amin nun isang tao. Hmm..wala kaming magagawa run, yun ang trip niya eh. Ewan ko ba, dahil siguro mukha lang kami laging naglalaro. Eh sa ayaw namin ng tensiyonado at chaotic na buhay eh, ano magagawa nila?!

Lagi kong problema ang oras ng pagtulog at pag gising sa umaga. Madalas nga akong late eh. Minsan, sumagi sa isip ko na siguro kung nasa ibang meridian ako ng globe eh normal ang sleeping schedule ko. Nagbago isip ko nun makita ko kung saan ako dapat pumunta. Sa Kabul kasi yun nakita ko sa mapa, ayaw ko nga!

Natapos na nga pala ang birthday ko! Lumipas lang ito nang wala ako halos nagastos! Hindi ko nga naramdaman na nag-birthday ako, except that meron mga taong nakaalala nun (har..har..magdrama ba?!). Eniwey, longest week of my life ata ang week ng birthday ko..ni hindi nga ako nakapag birthday leave and kaninang tanghali lang ako naka-uwi from an activity na work-related. Yun nga reason kung bakit halos di ko naramdaman na birthday ko pala..buti na lang meron akong friends! Hehe..sila ang nagplano ng birthday ko sa office, at sila na rin ang bumili ng fudie (yummy!). Meron din silang gift sa akin na pilit nilang pinasuot after I opened the package..I have pix nun pero pang-blackmail material kaya ayaw ko i-post rito noh! Hehe..baka masira ang wholesome na image ko! Basta ang masasabi ko lang sa mga T-girls, one of these days, I'll have the guts to wear that thing! Hehehe..may hinahanap lang ako, and alam yun ni PaHam na Abi. The night before my birthday, I also met my Angel (aka mama uod)..wla lng, joint birthday celebration ba?! The night of my birthday, I went out with my friend..nagkatuwaan lang kami magvideoke..that was fun! Pag-uwi ko sa bahay, kainan na naman!

The longest part of the week ay yun CEDAW EGM..Thursday to Sunday kami nasa Hyatt, Malate for the activity. Kahit nakakapagod, enjoy yun Saturday night kasi tapos na yun workshop and we went out with some of the foreign participants. Nagshopping sila and dinala namin sa WOW Philippines sa Intramuros. Siyempre, nasubok ang skills namin sa conversation using English, pati tuloy pag kami na lang nag-uusap eh English na rin! Naaliw ako sa kanila, lalo na run sa dalawang Brazilian. Sobrang seryoso sila run sa workshop pero pag asa labas pala eh cool naman sila. Feeling tour-guide naman kami sa pagturo nun mga lugar na nadaanan namin like Rizal Park and the Manila Hotel. Naalala ko pa sabi nun isang Brazilian eh yun Rizal Park raw ang only park in the Philippines. Bilis lang ng reaction ko, saying "no, this is not the only park in the Philippines!" Ewan ko ba naman kasi kung saan niya nabalitaan yun! Pinaka-chaotic na part yun dinner sa Intramuros, dun sa mga kainan malapit sa tapat ng Clamshell (the bigger one, I forgot kung 1 or 2 yun). Ang gulo kasi nun mga kasama namin, buti na lang nagkataon na well-versed sa English yun owner nun restaurant na napili nila at nagkataon na andun siya nun time na yun kaya sila-sila na lang ang nag-usap. Dentist pala kasi ng Comelec yun owner and after office, lakad na siya papunta sa restaurant. Sa Intramuros, shopping galore pa rin ang mga lola, with matching picture-taking pa! Region 2 ang featured provinces noon sa WOW. Nanghinayang lang ako kasi hindi na masyado na-sustain yun program na yun sa Intramuros. May mga part nun lugar na walang ilaw kasi naputulan daw ng kuryente. Hindi nga kami tumuloy sa gate palabas run sa tapat ng DPWH kasi sobrang dilim nun lugar. Buti na lang helpful naman yun mga guards na naka-station near that gate kasi tinawag pa nila kami ng taxi through their radio. Anyway, almost midnight na kami nakabalik sa hotel. Lumabas pa nga ulit ang mga lola at pumunta sa Baywalk pero di na kami sumama dahil sobrang pagod na kami nun officemate ko. Yun dalawang taga-PWU na lang ang sumama sa kanila. Sunday almost ten in the morning na kami nagising. Kumain ng cookies at nagpack ng aming mga damit, inenjoy ang last few moments namin sa hotel..lalo na yun magstay lang sa Japanese-style na bathtub, at yun rainshower. Mas relaxed na kami nun dahil tapos na nga yun activity, di na kami nagmamadali. Finally, naka-uwi rin ako sa bahay namin! Haaay..what a long week talaga! Sobrang kakapagod pero enjoy rin naman at busog talaga dahil puro kainan! Twenty six na pala ko..wala lang, naalala ko lang. Tulog na muna ko, may pasok pa ulit bukas.

Power of Your love

Lord I come to You

Let my heart be changed

Renewed

Flowing from the grace

That I found in You

Lord I’ve come to know

The weaknesses I see

In me

Will be stripped away

By the power of Your Love

Hold me close

Let Your love

Surround me

Bring me near

Draw me to Your side

And as I wait

I’ll rise up like an eagle

And I will soar with You

Your Spirit leads me on

By the power of Your love

Lord unveil my eyes

Let me see you

Face to face

The knowledge of

Your love

As you live in me

Lord renew my mind

As Your will unfolds

In my life

In living everyday

By the power of Your love

====================

I really love this song..

a whole new world

One of the many bosses sent me to a workshop in one of the many high-rise towers in Makati Business District. Registration is from 8 to 8:30 in the morning so I calculated that if I leave home at exactly seven then take the metro rail transit, I'll arrive on time. Geezz..wrong calculation! It usually takes me around an hour to travel from home to my dentist somewhere in Makati (near Intel, Bangkal) so I assumed that I would take almost only the same time to travel to the venue of the workshop. Okay, okay, my fault! I forgot to include more time for buying the ticket and for waiting for my turn to finally ride the train. Imagine, three trains (no, make it four to include the empty one that passed without stopping) passed before I was able to .. uhh.. no, make it "before the people behind me were able to (literally) push me inside the train. The only good thing is that the air-conditioning system of the train is good and there were no power interruptions or falling tarpaulin or whatsoever (well, am still blessed!). Finally, I reached my destination (the building I mean). Up to the 19th floor I went only to find my self almost lost into a mini labyrinth (hmm..it's been a long time since my stint of misadventures in those buildings happened -- when I was fresh from college and trying to find some space for me in that district, perhaps I can make a separate post for those). The doors won't open unless the guard assists you because their security system involves the need to use of employees' ID to open doors. Also, they won't allow us to bring our mobile phones inside the auditorium. And so I missed all the text messages and calls of the T girls (because they are the only ones who know my mobile number.. hehe.. actually, sila lang ang nakakaalala na may mobile phone pala ako!). Haay.. I have to read a case pa, homework kasi from the workshop eh.. end na lang muna, next time na lang yun iba!

when it rained and it poured

Change of plans..instead of meeting my angel and talk about what happened last Tuesday morning, I went out with my officemates. I don’t know if it was a better idea or otherwise. I was a bit concerned that I could add up to my angel’s burden if we talked about the incident. I know angel, more than anyone else understands how I feel for I know that my dear angel is undergoing the same or maybe even worst. For now, I’ll remain silent about it for I know that I am hurt and mad and I might only say bitter words or worst even curse..yeah I know it’s not right but that’s how anger blurs reasoning. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone, except with my angel (PERIOD). A night with the T-girls, less Ms. PaHamburglar. Lola Au invited us to go to Greenhills, Kitchie Nadal is going to perform daw sa Octoberfest. The usual “karin” me went with her.. I don’t want to go straight home anyway, and the “pameanie girl” is also going. And so we went there, sat somewhere near the front of the stage and laughed at our inside jokes. Then a girl approached us and asked if anyone of us could join their game, and so WE VOLUNTEERED A(u)BIGAIL! Hehehe..this is one thing that I am afraid of when the T-girls are together and you are not there, you’ll know one subject that will make them laugh..you. But perhaps heaven is in Abi’s side..just when the first band started to perform, droplets of rain started to fall. And the droplets turned to drops then bigger drops then even bigger and the rain poured out as if there was a typhoon or something. Haay..it was around eleven already, when the first band stopped (yep, I used “stopped” intentionally). Halos nawala na yun mga tao and di pa maka-start yun next band dahil malakas yun ulan..umuwi na lang kami kahit di pa kumakanta si Kitchie. Haaay.. anyway, it wasn’t a spoiled night naman kasi we had fun.. yep, had fun making fun out of ourselves and the “Adarna” hehe! Had fun walking under the rain. Had fun walking up the overpass with falling water, ala stairway with waterfalls of Manila Pen. Had fun taking pictures under the rain. And then I was alone again..walked along “a walk to remember 2” (that’s what we call the steel overpass in Don Antonio.. a walk to remember 1 is the one in Sandiganbayan because it was built earlier), somewhat slowly. Another week..

Things usually change for the better -- when you let them

In this world, things evolve or they become obsolete, and that goes double for relationships. So if it seems like your friendship is changing shape in ways both obvious and not-so-obvious, don't freak out. Most importantly, don't try to pretend that those changes aren't occurring -- there's nothing more damaging than living in the past. Take a moment to see the situation as it really is, unclouded by your emotions, hopes and fears. Things usually change for the better -- when you let them. Remember that.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, right...for the better? I hope so..sometimes, there's no better option but finding reasons to affix good to the word bye. I dunno, I can't gather my thoughts..always drifting somewhere else (or to someone else..whatever!).

(good)bye

The message goes: a strong bonding doesn’t need daily conversation, doesn’t always need togetherness. As long as love lives in the heart, true friendship never departs. -- Perhaps it’s not the best way of saying goodbye. Honestly, ayaw kong gawin yun. It’s been only a day and few hours pero feeling ko, ang tagal nang panahon and I really miss him

WORK RULES

13 rules FOR the boss

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing!

2.  If it really is a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it’s going. THAT HELPS! Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3.  Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4.  If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and love all use of my limbs.

5.  If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6.  Do your best have me stay in the office beyond 8 hours. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7.  If a job I do pleases you, keep it secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped!

9.  If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to know anything. in the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change your life or send you straight to misery.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating without performance bonus. I’m not here for the money anyway.

2 rules OF the boss:

1.  The BOSS is ALWAYS right.

2.  When the BOSS is wrong, refer to rule # 1!

Who wants to be a parent?!?

I’ve come across this list for several times and each time I do, I can’t help but laugh while imagining each item. For the ones who are planning to be a parent, read this list and see if you really are ready to become one. For those who presently have little angels, read this list to prepare yourself for the ‘joys’ of your new life as a parent. For those who managed to raise up their kids and hold on to their precious sanity, read this list and give yourself a pat on your shoulder for successfully doing so. For those who don’t have children, read this list and perhaps you’ll think that it is something to thank for. Finally, for those who want to have one but still haven’t found the other parent of their babies..uhh..that’s another story..just read this list and see the truth wrapped in humor. Whoever said that preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery is correct. Of course I am not saying this based on my own experience as a parent but somehow I’ve got to feel how it is to take care of those creatures called babies. When my Ate gave birth to my nephew, I told myself that he’s such a handsome and adorable little angel. Now that Jonathan is almost a year and three months old, I dare say that this list makes sense.

1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.

5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look?

6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations! You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of baby food and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the baby food are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child.

12) Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirtsleeve or elbow. Pretend that that is normal. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

13) Pick a day in which you have an important meeting. Put on your finest work attire. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it. Stir. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel. Do NOT change. You have no time. Go directly to work.

14) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, Dora, Disneyland and Cartoon Network. Watch nothing else on TV for at least five years. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you..." at work, now you finally qualify as a parent!

There it is, plus a lot more! Pero siyemps, part lang naman yan ng joys of parenthood. Pwede rin joys of having an apo (sa mga lolo at lola) or in my case ay pamangkin. Nakaka-aliw na nakakapagod. Masakit sa katawan (lalo na sa braso), lalo na kapag namamasyal kayo at ang gusto lang niya ay magpakarga o kaya magpahabol sa’yo habang naglalakad siya kung saan-saan! Pero oks lang, isang cutie smile lang niya or giggles at hug ayos na..at siyempre alam ko kasing kapag tired na ako pwede ko na siyang ibalik sa mga magulang niya! Hehehehe..

Do All Things Really Work Together for the Good?

We may see nothing good come of misery and disaster in this world, but this world is not all of reality. There is an ‘until’; there is a place beyond the horizon of what our senses can apprehend, and it is more real and more lasting than what we experience in this mortal shell. God is using the present, even the miserable present, to conform us to the image of his Son.  Read more here ->

Remembering How to Forget

I forgot
How it is to forget
How it is to live a day without remembering you

I forgot
How it is to smile
How it is to cry not when I am missing you

If it would help
I will try to remember
How to live my life without you again

If it would help
I will try to forget
How miss you each passing day

If only I could choose to have you faded off my memory
If only I could choose to bring back time
If only I could choose to go on with live as if you were never a part of it

I would.

I want to remember how it is to forget
I want to know how it is not to feel
I want to learn how to move on -- alone

Sen. Raul Roco is gone (+)

          Sen. Roco is gone. The man who brightens up my day with his colorful and fanciful choice of fashion - yes, the gumamela-laden polo. So now, what..ahh..at least Mayor Atienza of Manila is still there to live the fashion. Yeah, I remember him mostly (argh..aside from his strong stand against artificial methods of family planning) for his show "Maynila" where he features areas of the city which the city government has improved, and of course every episode also features his colorful polo, just like Senator Raul Roco's.

          It was in the middle of our CMT session when my seatmate received a message saying he's gone. I texted some friends asking if it's true, and after only a few minutes one of them confirmed that it indeed is true. Died around 9 in the morning due to his prostate cancer at St. Lukes, she said.

          Oh, that was sad. I didn't vote for Roco in the last Presidential election, but I was saddened by his death though everyone know that he is suffering from cancer. Then I remembered that he is the second among the 2004 Presidentiables who died. Actually, I was more shocked with the death of Mr. Fernando Poe, Jr. and though I never did liked him to be President somehow, I felt the gloom in the atmosphere.

          My late bloomer friend quoted Eddie Gil saying that the next one to die among the Presidentiables is a woman (and of course isa lang naman yun)..and my friend wrote, pwede ba silang magsabay? (knock on wood). Well though that Eddie Gil guy is now well known for his antiques, pero hindi naman nakakatawa yun comment niya na yun. Not that I am for gma, hindi ko rin naman yun binoto (hello!?), pero bad naman kasi na i-predict mo na mamamatay yun isang tao (kahit sino pa yun).

          Of course, everyone is already saying their own pieces on the consecutive deaths of 2 presidentiables, like there seems to be a trend..blah..blah..blah.. And Panfilo Lacson has everything to say against gma..and SWS's survey revealed that Filipinos are sort of giving their thumbs up for gma (and her cohorts are predicting that it will continue to rise in the next survey, as if they've been to the future or some sort of have seen the result of future surveys - hello?!)..and Eddie Gil was seen on the news last Friday having problems with some real estate/property in a city..and Bro. Eddie Villanueva held prayer rallies for the principles of truth, justice, freedom and righteousness to reign in the country.

          What's next? I don't know. As my former Prof. in USTe would always say: "only God knows!!" And I still have faith that the Almighty is still in control; and that everything will be exposed, in His own perfect time.

Tuwing Umuulan

Minsan, nagsasawa na rin akong magsulat ng tungkol sa feelings ko kapag umuulan. Kadalasan kasi, puro malulungkot na bagay ang naiisip at naisusulat ko. Ewan ko ba, masarap yatang magpakasenti kapag umuulan, napaka perfect nun gloomy na atmosphere. Pero nakakasawa naman magpakasenti lagi noh! Kaya, para maiba naman, iba naman ang inisip ko.

Ilang araw na rin kasing umuulan kaya inisip ko yun top ten masasayang bagay na ginagawa ko noon kapag umuulan..mga bagay na nami-miss ko ngayon at sana pwede ko ulit gawin sa mga darating na araw..

(1) Siyempre, ang maligo sa ulan (pwede siguro, dun lang ako sa loob ng bakuran at isasarado ko yun gate)

(2) Punuin ng tubig ulan yun drum para magswimming sa loob nito (hindi na masaya ito kasi lagpas bewang ko na lang yun drum eh dati kasi hanggang leeg ko yun!)

(3) Makipagbatuhan ng plastik na may tubig - a la water grenade (wala na kong kabatuhan ngayon)

(4) Gumawa at maglaro ng bangkang papel (yep, why not?!)

(5) Maglaro ng putik (yoko na nito kasi pangit yun lupa sa bakuran namin ngayon, di tulad nun sa dati na parang clay)

(6) Magduyan sa ilalim ng patak ng ulan (wala na kaming swing eh..pero last time kong nagawa ito June last year..sa isang park..sarap ulitin kung may pagkakataon)

(7) Mamitas at kumain ng bayabas pagkatapos ng ulan - hindi ko alam kung bakit nahihinog ang bunga ng bayabas kapag umuulan (sayang, wala na kaming puno ng bayabas)

(8) Umakyat sa puno para manghuli ng salagubang - pero takot akong magapangan ng salagubang (hindi ko alam kung marunong pa akong umakyat ng puno..tagal ko na palang hindi nagawa ang umakyat sa puno!)

(9) Paanurin na parang bangka yun tsinelas ko sa gilid ng kalsada (ngyek! Yoko na nito..marami na kasing nakatira sa amin eh, dati kasi bukod sa bata lang naman ako eh kaunti pa lang nakatira sa lugar namin at kilala namin mga tao. Ngayon, ewan..dami-dami na nila..)

(10) Manood lang ng pagbuhos ng ulan habang nakadungaw sa bintana (this I almost always do)

.search.for.truth.peace.unity.rule.of.law.scribbles.from.a.notebook.foolish.ideas.

My friends are voicing their comments..kung anu-ano raw nilalagay ko sa blog ko..hmmm..sa bagay, entitled naman sila mag-comment, pero it’s up to me pa rin kung ano gusto ko i-post! Now here’s something different. Something, which many may not enjoy the content. Truth is always grueling for those who want to be left in the darkness of shallow existence.

This young mind is searching for the truth. Where is the truth? Isn’t truth a basic element to live a peaceful and harmonious life in a just society? Restlessness abounds where the truth is being suppressed in the guise of technicalities and legal jargons which ordinary people are tired of hearing from one public figure after another. I don’t belong to those people with the superior intelligence of twisting and bending and going around the law to make it appear that they’re right, but I am no moron either.

Rule of law. Which law? The bright part of my mind recalls that there are two general divisions of law: law in strict legal sense (state law); and law in non-legal sense, which includes divine law (philosophical theology), natural law (meta-physics), moral law (ethics), and physical law (physics). I found some notes scribbled in one of my college notebooks.  [Can you believe it..almost a month ago, I found 3 of my college notebooks! hahaha...] Hmm..save for some hieroglyphic-like scribbling, my notebooks were actually full of doodles and blank pages. I’m not really the type of person who creates those long and neatly written notes. You know, the ones who get famous in school because almost a third of the class got a photocopy of their notes. Yeah, at least some people (the photocopier owners) were able to make a living out of the laziness of others. BUT I don’t consider myself lazy (uhh..at least in the area of taking down notes), I just have this foolish belief that I can process and stock everything inside my not so little brain. Yep! And I don’t usually review for exams..heehe..I depend on my so-called stocked knowledge. Oh, my classmates and friends..you may have seen me lingering around the library or under a tree while thoughtfully reading a textbook, a notebook or those photocopied handouts from the Prof. Perhaps I have deceived you into believing that I am one of those geek creatures who love nothing but books and books. Hehe..this gal’s far from that. You might have seen me like contemplating deeply onto a book but mostly, my mind is drifting somewhere else. Okay, back to the scribbled notes; it said: “state law – the mass of obligatory rules established for the purpose of governing the relations of person in society; a rule of conduct, just, obligatory, promulgated by legitimate authority, and of common observance and benefit.” Common observance and common benefit seem to be an elusive dream for a society where the “kakilala, kamag-anak, ka-brod/sis sa fraternity/sorority, etc.” system rules.

My former professor told us to keep in mind this basic doctrine in law: what is not prohibited by the law is allowed by the law. No, not one of my Law Profs, but my Prof in Marriage and the Family. [Yep..I took that subject...a three unit subject in USTe. hehehe...] Back to the doctrine, the same line of thought is followed when we say that what is extra-constitutional is also constitutional. Of course there’s always the provided that blah..blah..blah..clause; but in essence, those people who seem to belittle those who are seeking for extra-constitutional means of doing things by saying that they don’t seem to understand the constitution which says clear that blah..blah..blah.. are actually putting themselves in complete shame for boasting about their delusion of brilliance. Funny how these people are pushing for the establishment of a body to search the truth (alas! A body to search what I’ve been waiting for..but would I then rest, assured that I would not wait in vain?). Yep a body to search the truth, to be created by the ones who are being questioned  (WHAT?). The creation of said body might also be legally questionable since there are already provisions for proper venues or proper institutions to handle the cases. And how about that partylist representative who wouldn’t want other reps to touch a complaint, which he filed? Don’t I have a logical mind to doubt his intentions of filing such? (heard he’s one of the “rightists”).

As each chapter of the story unfolds right under my nose, I can’t help but start to think about seeking greener pastures in some far away land. I would at times joke “magpapastol na lang ako ng tupa at mag-aalaga ng baka habang nagpapahinga sa damuhan.” BUT on the second thought, I don’t want to because of three things: faith, hope and love. Faith, not in the Filipino people; it’s really hard to trust anyone now save for the Almighty. I still have confidence that God is controlling everything. I still believe that in due time, everything will be exposed, truth will be revealed, heaven’s justice will be served, and abundance will flourish throughout the nation. I do not know when, but I have faith that the day will come. Perhaps never in my lifetime, but I would be more than content to have remained steadfast in continuously asking for truth rather than compromising. Hope that things will get better. It may worsen of course, depending on the stubbornness of people but I still hope that better days are yet to come. Love. No, not the so-called love life for I’m a stranger to that, but love for my country (I cannot say land because I don’t own a parcel of land). Call me whatever, but I really have those unexplainable Goosebumps over some of the recent events. Sad to say, there are people who seem to have lost this love. They’ve become indifferent. As long as they were able to breath and feed themselves, that’s all right. They no longer care what happens in the government. They lost trust. They lost hope. That’s a worse form of divisiveness--when a portion of the population isolates themselves from the rest of the nation. Sad but true.

Now, which law must rule? The State law of course one would say and so be it. I only wonder why they cut it at that. The very preamble of the Constitution which they implore to uphold and use against those who resort to extra-constitutional means states that the government must promote the common good and secure the blessings of independence and democracy under the rule of law and the regime of TRUTH, JUSTICE, FREEDOM, EQUALITY and PEACE. These are all elusive dreams in a society where “connections” is the name of the game. With the recent SONA, impeachment complaints, etc., things may either worsen or get better; but I still hold on to faith, hope and love. Just always keep an open mind. The book of Hosea in the Old Testament said, “my people perish because of lack of knowledge.” Listen, ponder, understand, and search for what is truthful and just. I may still end up as poor as a pauper at the end of the day, but what the heck? We can’t bring treasures in heaven anyway.

what kind of writer are you?

You are a dark writer. A fierce and loyal follower of Poe and the other gothic authors, you LOVE to instill a sense of revulsion and somewhat fear in your readers. You love to poke their brains with logic dealing with the darker side of the human mind and character. Truly surprising and a true individual, you'll do ANYTHING to create a scene. :)

what sign of affection are you?

innocent kiss - you're cute and sweet and like it that way...

I am back in blogspot. I’ve almost completely taken this site forgranted, without a single post in the past ten months! i even forgot my account name and password!! Uhh, okay I admit, I’ve been busy with the friendster thing and ofcourse with my work (and the so-called love life which by the way is non-existent or if it ever does, only exists in the deep and remotest part of my imagination).

A lot of things (and people too) have come and gone since my last entry. On the second thought, I don’t even know if I’ve mentioned them in my previous entries.

I miss my Angel and my Mama Gothic B. I miss our get togethers at Katips..our simple joys of eating at ken afford or gayuma and our ramblings and rantings over a cup of coffee at seattles best; our fast food feast at jollibee and mc donald’s; my trip via lrt2 with Mama Gothic (with my legs always ending up being feasted upon by a squadron of mosquitoes while waiting for the bitch at legarda station!). Simply put, I miss their company.

Life with the the kadas at ncfarw is full of fun, and adventure, and work, and angst, and rants, and work, and fun, and adventure.. we finally had our reunion with Nanis (who was able to find greener pastures in the world of children). She gave us a birthday blowout at music 21 timog, where we sang, and laughed, and danced, and jumped, and laughed, and sang, and made fun out of ourselves from midnight to dawn. Imagine the five of us walking out of the building and seeing the morning lights unfold right before our eyes.

My frog-friend is still a frog. Let’s just say that I’m still stuck in the phase of knowing more about him. I am actually both amazed and hurt, and enlighthened with what he’s telling me. Two years..well, it’s really shorter than a lifetime.

You could really open up and let somebody in. Maybe you'll finally see the light!

The way you two met was magical. They know it and you know it. Just about everything that's happened since also seems to have carried that lovely, magical tone, too. So today, when one or both of you suddenly feel the touch of the green-eyed monster, don't you dare let that endanger what you've got. A little bit of jealousy -- a very, very little bit -- can be a compliment. It means you love someone enough to value them. A lot means you're insecure. Know where to draw the line.

huh! what does that suppose to mean? not that i really believe these stuff.. hmm..i don't..i guess it's hard to believe anybody these days..

Determination is one thing, but getting your teeth in and refusing to let go is quite another...

Determination is one thing, but getting your teeth in and refusing to let go is quite another. This kind of fixation figures prominently between the two of you at the moment, and it's a little hard to see how to get past it. Courage, friends; where there's a will, there's a way, and there's definitely a will here (even if it's too much of one). Try coming at the issue from the bottom up. If you can get at its foundation, you may see that this whole thing is really about something else altogether.

 

dreaming in the rain

6:32 p.m. The spooky alert of my cell phone caught my attention. A friend advised me not to pass by Quiapo lest I end up standing for long minutes then caught in traffic. Oh, it’s past my sign off time already so I packed my things (including the plants that tita dez gave me) and head out of the office. Out at 6:45. said goodbye to tita dez and our admin chief then the usual “bye bye po” line to the mamang guards at the office. Headed for LRT 2 Legarda station, holding my umbrella above my head while walking alone (I usually walk rather fast).

I was thinking about something, uhhh..on the second thought, I was actually thinking about nothing at all..(wala akong maalala, baka kung anu-anong kalokohan lang naiisip ko kanina). I never fail to notice those streetlights along JP Laurel. I am always tempted to ask the presidential guards what on earth is wrong with those things because a number of those posts would either light up or be turned off when someone goes near them by around a meter. It’s a blessing that the rain is just starting to pour a little. As I walk towards Mendiola gate, I remember one night when the walkway heading towards it was covered with rain water -- ang ganda ko pa naman nun tapos tumulay kami nun officemate ko sa mga plant box sa tabi ng pader nun mga schools run para di pasukin ng tubig ang shoes namin..mega commune kami with nature dahil literal naming niyakap ang mga halamang basang-basa ng ulan (hmmm..parang Aegis!) para makadaan kami. Hehe..di baleng magmukhang katawa-tawa, huwag lang mabasa ang sapatos at paa! I laughed inside as I noticed the sign “LABASAN” just a few steps before the gate. I know that the sign is being used every Thursday (St. Jude Mass) to guide the pedestrians. Para isang pila yun palabas ng gate then sa kabilang line yun papasok naman. Marami kasing tao kapag may misa sa St. Jude kaya nilalagay yun pero kapag ganitong ordinaryong araw, itinatabi yun ng mga guards dun sa tabi ng plant box dahil di naman ganun karami ang tao. Funny thing is, nakaharap pa rin sa mga tao yun sign na “LABASAN” then may arrow na nakaturo sa pader. I would always joke around my friends “oh my! Di ako marunong umakyat ng pader..ang taas niyan eh..di rin naman ako ghost para tumagos diyan!” Hmm..luckily, mababaw lang din kaligayahan nila kaya tumatawa naman sila sa joke ko. So, mahabang lakad hanggang marating ko rin sa wakas ang Legarda Station. Di ko na napansin kung gaano ako katagal sa train, natauhan lang ako nun marinig ko na yun recording na “next station Anonas; ang susunod na istasyon ay Anonas.” Kahit hindi nagpaalala yun driver ng train na “paki-double check na lamang po ang ating mga dalang gamit, pati na rin po ang mga magnetic cards na gagamitin sa paglabas ng istasyon,” eh hinanda ko na ang bag ko (cyempre pati yun plastic envelope na pinagtaguan ko nun halaman), at ang dilaw na magnetic card na ginagamit ko sa pagpasok at paglabas ng istasyon. Iniisip ko pa rin kung ano ang silbi nun nakapulang kumakaway sa upper right side corner nun card, hindi kaya tatanggapin ng sensor yun card ko kapag binura ko yun?

Nagulat ako kasi malakas na pala ang ulan. Short cut ako dun sa St. Joseph para makarating sa kabilang kalye, kung saan dumadaan ang mga jeep papuntang Farview. Ilang sandali lang eh nakasakay naman ako.

Medyo bingi yun driver. May nagbayad na lalaki sabi Litex sila bababa, dinig nun driver eh River Side..huh? Layo ah, ‘di naman magkatunog ah! Dumaan ng QC Hall tanong siya, may City Hall (naisip ko, aba naman, meron noh! Alangan naman mawala dyan ang City Hall?!). Walang sumagot. Huminto siya sa tapat ng City Hall (hmmm..siguro inisip nun mama, silence means yes). Wala namang bumaba (haler, wala ngang nagsabing MERON at wala rin nag para). Therefore, silence does not always mean yes.

Medyo malabo rin kausap yun ibang pasahero (isa na ko run!). Pagdating ng Philcoa, nawindang ako..hindi pa kasi ko nagbabayad, so nagbayad ako:

Ako: bayad po..Don Antonio, isa lang

Driver: Don Antonio?

Ako: Opo.

Driver: Isa lang?

Ako: (makulit ka pa sa’kin mamang driver ha, kanina ka pa! Dyowk lng!) Opo.

Driver: Kasasakay lang?

Ako: hindi po, kanina pa po (hmp! Nagulat ako sa sagot ko..mabuti na lang eh one person away lang ako sa driver tsaka may dalawang ale at isang mama na nagkukuwentuhan ng malakas kaya di naman siguro masyadong halata.) ..dugtong naman ako.. sa Anonas po.

Sobrang traffic mula Luzon hanggang makarating na ko sa bababaan ko pero hindi ko naman nalaman kung anong dahilan ng traffic. Lakad na naman ako sa “a walk to remember” steel overpass sa kanto ng Commonwealth at Holy Spirit Drive—yun papasok sa Don Antonio. Naalala ko, nun bago pa yung overpass na yun, lagi ako nakakakita ng suka, kung hindi sa stairs mismo eh dun sa gilid ng stairs pagbaba nun. Naisip ko, siguro nahihilo yun mga tao pag dumaraan dun kasi nakakahilo at nakakatakot talaga siya kung ikaw ay isang taong may fear of heights. Anyway, am not one of those people kaya ayos lang sa akin ang overpass na yun – kaysa naman masagasaan ako sa kahabaan (pwede rin kalaparan) ng Commonwealth Avenue! Masyadong gory yun noh, bka magkalas-kalas mga buto ko!

Iniisip ko pa rin kung ano yun iniisip ko kanina, pero di ko talaga maisip. Haay..di kaya kulang lang ako sa tulog? Makatulog na nga lang muna..

Commitment, intimacy and the elusive search for Mr. Right Guy For Me

“When God knows you’re ready for the responsibility of commitment, He’ll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.”

“..so, do you think am not yet ready..because the right guy seems to be so illusive”
“..bakit yun iba, napaka irresponsible pero ang swerte sa relasyon?”

Okay, owryt..playing the role of the optimistic little girl ako ngayon mga tita!! Paumanhin at medyo natagalan ang sagot ko sa mga tanong ninyo. Ang totoo eh nun Linggo ko pa pinag-iisipan kung paano i-organize ang line of thought ko..hehe..masyado ata mabilis gumana utak ko eh, di ko mahabol! (corny noh?!).

Ewan ko ba naman kasi kung bakit puro sawimpalad sa pag-ibig ang karamihan sa tao sa paligid ko ngayon (hehe, i-exclude ang sarili!). Hmm..tag-ulan pa naman -- oh, eh ano naman ang koneksyon?! Wala lang, senti mode ako kapag ganitong malamig ang panahon at pumapatak-patak ang ulan..lalo na kapag naririnig ko yun malakas na patak sa bubong ng aming bahay habang pinagmamasdan ang tubig na bumubuhos sa tapat ng aking bintana..(hehe..hango sa isang blog entry ko sa blogspot). O siya, ayaw raw ng isang lolah ang mahabang post sa blog, at napapagod ata siya kababasa sa posts ko..aba naman..kung medyo di ako nagsasalita kapag kausap ko ang mga tao eh kabaligtaran naman yun kapag nagsusulat ako. Therefore, mas madaldal ang mga daliri ko kaysa sa bibig ko (huh? May sense ba yun?). Eto na nga po ang sagot ko..hindi ko naman kayo pinipilit maniwala sa mga pinagsususulat ko rito at lalong hindi ko kayo pinipilit na pagtiyagaang basahin ang bawat titik, tuldok at kuwit..aba, I have my right to express myself in whatever form na gusto ko mga tita!

The right guy seems elusive ergo, I am not yet ready for commitment. Hmmm..not necessarily. Remember my dear, ang sabi eh the right person under the right circumstances. Pwedeng you’re ready (and willing)..ikaw lang makapagsasabi nito sa sarili mo, pero si Mr. Right Guy For You ay hindi pa. He isn’t revealed to you yet simply because the circumstances isn’t right. Maybe he’s still in the process of healing himself from past pains. I guess you wouldn’t want to have someone who carries into your relationship a lot of emotional baggage from his past relationships. Or maybe hindi pa lang talaga siya ready na mag-commit sa isang relationship.

Masyado kasing mabigat yun commitment kung iisipin mabuti..in essence, isa itong malaking pagsubok, isang responsibility na hindi natin pwedeng sapilitang hingin sa ibang tao kasi dapat bukal sa loob nilang ibibigay yun..galing sa puso ba. At sa uri ng pamumuhay ng mga tao ngayon, parang unti-unti nang nawawalan ng saysay ang commitment sa isang relationship dahil malaya nilang nagagawa o nakukuha ang gusto nila kahit walang commitment. Remember the line “intimacy is the reward of commitment”? Para sa ibang tao, it’s not true kasi they are getting the former even without the latter. So why should I bind myself to be with only one person when the world has a lot to offer? There are a lot of liberated people out there who are “game.” Don’t be so virtuous, that’s boring! Siguro masaya sila, and they do that again and again, with some people jumping from one relationship to another as if trying on different pairs of shoes (bakit shoes ang pinili ko at hindi damit? Kasi feeling ata ng mga ganitong klaseng tao eh pwede nilang apak-apakan ang pagkatao ng iba kaya matapos ang ilang sandali eh lalayas na lang sila na parang wala lang, ni walang paalam basta na lang nagsuot ng bagong sapatos).. They maybe happy kaya tinatawag mo silang masuwerte sa relasyon, but they don’t experience the joy and peace of commitment.

Paano ba tayo napunta sa topic na ito? Kasi naisip ko lang, malay mo isa siya sa mga naging biktima ng ganitong uri ng pananaw? Baka andyan lang naman sa paligid mo yun kaya lang di nyo pa pareho nare-realize yun dahil nga lost pa siya habang ikaw naman eh nakatingin sa iba at humihiling na sana yun na ang right guy. Eh baka naman tagal nang nagpapapansin sa iyo ng right guy mo eh dedma ka naman dahil hindi mo type?

Haay..sa magulong mundo, it’s really hard to believe that two winding paths would one day cross and move forward to a straight direction.

Minsan nga akala mo yun na eh, mali pala kasi yun nakita mo eh gusto ka lang din isama sa pagkaligaw niya sa mala-MMDA footbridge in front of SM North EDSA na daigdig at pagkatapos eh iwan ka na kasi may nakasalubong na namang iba. That’s so cruel, pero ano naman magagawa mo, eh nagpauto ka naman? Eh di be optimistic and find your own way na lang. Isipin mo na lang na kung tutuusin, kahit gusto mo na siyang tirisin o di kaya’y i-dissect na parang palaka sa biology class mo nun high school (patawad po sa mga animal’s rights advocates)..eh nakakaawa rin siya kasi nananatili siyang windang at walang tiyak na patutunguhan, naghahanap ng kaligayahan pero di makaranas ng kapayapaan ng puso at isipan; at maaari ring kaya siya nagkaganoon eh dahil minsan din siyang nabiktima ng di mabilang na mapait na nakaraan sa kanyang naging relasyon. Meantime, kaysa naman magmukmok ka sa isang sulok eh maglibang ka muna..magblog ka kaya (look at mwee! Hihihi..)?

BUT..good news is, it happens! Siguro, yaman din lamang na you’re practicing your virtues eh isama mo na rin ang pagpapasensya (yeah, patience is a virtue). At siyempre, dapat laging merong pag-asa. o siya mga tita, share ko na lang sa inyo ito..repost lang po..hango sa isang bulletin board post ng isang ka-friendster..katuwa!

FRIENDS & LOVERS

Lovers fight. And so do friends. But lovers kiss and make-up. Friends make-up only. But when lovers didn't make up, usually they just cool it off and find hard to be the same again. When friends didn't make up, it's the most different feeling in the world so they make-up eventually.

Lovers get jealous. And so do friends. But lovers get jealous because they demand commitment. Friends get jealous because they demand attention. But when lovers get jealous, they really look serious. When friends get jealous, they look funny.

Lovers give each other gifts. And so do friends. But when lovers do this, it's but natural. When friends give each other gifts, it's sooooo sweet. 

Lovers make each other happy. And so do friends. They hang out, call one another, talk, yell, encourage when the other is down, sing, dance, eat together. They share secrets, dreams, take care of each other. But lovers expect these from one another. Friends expect these from others too but got from each other instead.

Lovers can be complicated. And so do friends. But lovers usually try hard to adjust with one another. Friends just stay as what they are and don't give a **** whether they are nuts, or freaks, or stupids. Cause friends are not turned-off; they only laugh.

Lovers freak-out when you forgot birthdays. And so do friends. But lovers wouldn't forgive until they forget. Friends wouldn't forgive until an hour after when they receive a li'l bar of chocolate with a cheap card.

Lovers really love each other. And so do friends. But lovers either get married or break up. Friends either stay friends or be lovers or nothing at all!

so…who else needs a LOVER when you got yourself a FRIEND here?

Umulan na naman

Umuulan na naman ng malakas. Naalala ko noong huli akong maligo sa ulan..nagkasakit ako nun kinabukasan. Di naman kasi sadyang mabasa nang tuluyan..di ko lang talaga napansin na lumakas na pala ang ulan. Ngayon lang ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataong magsulat habang umuulan. Kasabay ng bawat pagpatak ng ulan sa bubungan ng aming bahay at sa bakuran sa tapat ng aking bintana, tumutulo na naman ang aking luha. Ilang ulit ko nang sinabi sa sarili ko na hindi ko na siya iiyakan. Pero bakit ganun? Halos dalawang taon na pero lagi pa rin akong nasasaktan. Sabi ng kaibigan ko, pride lang daw ito..pero alam ko, hindi. Masyado ko lang siguro siyang minahal..kahit na sana hindi na lang. Napapagod na rin akong umiyak at magkunwaring ayos lang ang lahat. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako okay..na mahal ko siya pero bale wala lang yun sa kanya. Sabi ng kaibigan ko, bakit kasi hindi ko na lang sabihin..yun, aaminin ko, pride yun..di ko magawang ipaalam sa kanya dahil natatakot akong pagtawanan lang niya at lalo lang akong masaktan. Natatakot akong sabihin niya sa akin na “sorry ha, friend lang tingin ko sa’yo.” Ayaw kong magmukhang tanga sa harap niya. Pero ewan ko ba kung bakit kagabi, bigla ko na lang nasabi sa kanya ang lahat - - kung bakit problema ko ang love life. Sinabi ko yun tungkol sa lalaking minahal ko pero it turned out na hindi naman pala ko gusto. Nakakatawa nga eh, tinanong niya ko kung sino yun at bubugbugin daw niya. Hindi ko na sana sasabihin kung sino yun pero ewan ko ba, hindi naman ako lasing kagabi at lalong hinid ako nagddrugs..pero medyo nasabi ko na rin..tinanong ko siya kung kaya ba niyang bugbugin ang sarili niya. Hindi naman siguro siya ganun ka-slow para hindi niya maintindihan yun. Pagkatapos kong lunukin ang lahat ng pride ko, at matapos halos mahulog ang puso ko sa kaba habang tinetext ang mga salitang yun..ang isasagot lang niya ay: “ha! Hindi pwede yun, iilag ako.” I cried. Maraming dahilan kung bakit ako umiyak..kung bakit hanggang ngayon, umiiyak pa rin ako. Nasaktan ako eh..kasi all the while kinakabahan ako sa mga sinasabi ko tapos ganun lang ang sasabihin niya..ginagawa lang niyang katatawanan ang feelings ko. Masakit yun kasi eto yun isang lalaking minahal mo..ang dami mong nagawang isacrifice dahil sa love mo sa kanya, pati ang lunukin ang pride mo at sabihin sa kanyang mahal mo siya kahit halos atakihin ka sa puso sa kaba..tapos bale wala lang pala sa kanya lahat yun. Wala siyang paki-alam. Yun yung pinakamasakit na feeling eh..yun maramdaman mo yun indifference nun taong mahal mo. Wala palang halaga sa kanya ang nararamdaman ko..and I was so stupid to have risked a lot of things (emotionally I mean) dahil mahal ko siya. Yeah right, being friendly lang ba siya? Kung ganon, dapat pala dun ako magalit sa kaibigan niya na nagumpisa ng lahat ng panunukso sa akin through common friends. Pasalamat lang ang babaeng yun dahil hindi ko talaga alam kung anong itsura niya..dahil baka sabunutan ko siya sa inis kapag nakita ko siya kahit saan. Tama ba namang sa dami ng tao sa mundo eh ako pa pagtripan nilang magkaibigan? Ganun yun feeling ko eh, pinaglaruan lang pala nila ko..dinamay pa nila pati mga kaibigan ko na kunwari papalakad pa sa kanila. Nakakalungkot lang kasi ang dami naman pwedeng mahalin bakit siya pa yun minahal ko? Napaka-traumatic naman ng first love ko. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ako iiyak..siguro hanggat marunong pa kong makiramdam..hanggat nasasaktan ako..sabi niya sa akin noon, nawalan na siya ng gana na ituloy ang MA niya sa UP dahil sa pananaw niya, hindi tinuturo sa kanila ang dapat nilang matutunan sa development work..yun pagkakaroon ng puso..ngayon, naniniwala na ko sa sinabi niya. Siguro yun na lang ang paniniwalaan ko sa lahat ng sinabi niya..wala kasi siyang puso.

So I'll go...

I can tell every time you open your door

You don’t love me anymore though my love for you still burns

So I’ll go..

There’s no point in my staying on

When you waken I’ll be gone

Perhaps in time my heart will learn

Though I know

It hurts me so to say goodbye

But it hurts me even more

To watch love die

So I’ll go..

While the words remaining are kind

I’ll unlock this tie that binds

And then fade away from your mind

I want your life to flow

I love you so I’ll go.

Hunyo Uno

Ilang ulit na akong nagpanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan
Ayaw ko kasing malaman niyang minahal ko na siya ng lubusan
Pinilit ko rin naman na maging kaibigan – kaibigan lang,
kahit na nga ang puso at isipan ko’y napuno ng kalungkutan
Ilang ulit na akong umiyak upang sakit ay mabawasan
Ayaw ko na sanang maramdaman ang sakit at kabigatan
Mahal kita..sana kaya kong sabihin sa harap niya
Pero takot ako, takot ako na lalo lamang masaktan
Pinili kong magkasya na lamang sa pagiging kaibigan
Barkada, kainuman, kakulitan..manatili lamang kausap siya
At minsan, makita ng harapan
Pero mahirap pala maging kaibigan ang taong mahal mo
Mahirap dahil kahit di mo aminin,
Nasasaktan ka kapag may kinukwento siyang iba
Di bale, masaya naman siya..pero paano ka, masaya ka ba?
Ilang ulit na akong nagpanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan
Wala akong lakas ng loob na sabihin sa kanya
Takot rin ako na baka tumawa lang siya o di ako pakinggan
Ilang ulit na akong nagpanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan
Kahit na di lilipas ang isang linggo na di ako matutulog na luhaan
Hindi pala ganoon kadali ang magmahal
Ilang ulit na akong nagpanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan
Akala ko kasi masasanay rin ako at pag lipas ng panahon
Tuluyan ko na ring makakalimutan
Ang lahat ng ala-ala ng lalaking una kong minahal
Dalwampung buwan na mula ng una kong lumuha
Pero hanggan ngayon, di pa rin nawawala
Pakiramdam ko lalo lang akong nasasaktan sa paglipas ng bawat araw
Hanggang kailan? Hanggang saan? Ewan..
Sana matutuhan ko rin kung paano ang hindi magmahal..

A Soulful Relationship

If you're not married yet, share this with a friend.  If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples... and reflect on it.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs.  Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults isn’t really important.

Once you decide to commit to someone, over time his or her flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.  If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.  You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams, weaknesses, and strengths.  You are two unique individuals who have decided to share a life together.

Neither of you are perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best of each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare, and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter him or her.  You can't make someone love you or make someone stay.  If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life", you won't find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Seeking status, sex, wealth, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.  What keeps a relationship strong?

Communication, intimacy, trust, a sense of humor, sharing household tasks, some getaway time without business or children and daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note).  Leave a nice message on their voicemail or send a nice email.

Sharing common goals and interests.  Growth is important.  Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.  Allow your mate to have outside interest.  You can't always be together.  Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment.  Don't try to control one another.  Learn each other's family situation.  Respect his or her parents regardless.  Don't put pressure on each other for material goods.  Remember for richer or for poorer.  If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty, and pain replace the passion.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." The grass withers, the flowers fades, but the word of God stands forever.  Isaiah 40:8 Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight.

Always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary.  The difference between “United” and “Untied” is where you put the “i”.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Got this article from an e-group. It’s written by a certain Rev. Ronald McFadden. Oh well, I don’t know the person but this article is worth reading..

On blogging, barely breathing

Posted on a group blog:

what is the point of blogging when every bitch is no longer reading nor visiting this group blog?

what's the use of blogging when no one reads your blog?

    Well, ano nga ba? Isa lang ito sa mga tanong na tinatanong pero ang totoo, 'yun lang naman taong nagtatanong ang may alam ng sagot sa tanong niya.

     Bakit nga ba magpo-post ka pa sa blog kung wala naman nagbabasa? Just for the sake of maintaining that blog? Baka kasi di mo lang kayang mag let go...letting go--parang ang hirap gawin nito 'di ba? Lalo na kung sobrang nakasanayan mo na magpost at magbasa ng entries sa blog. Parang tao rin 'di ba? Minsan feeling mo naiinis ka na sa kanila and wala ka lang magawa para idispatsa sila, pero 'pag nawala naman sila mami-miss mo rin pala. Minsan may nagkakainisan sa mga post, may sumasama ang loob, may napo-post ng angst niya sa isa pang member, may avid blog fan na nagpupumilit makisali at hulaan kung sinu-sino ang characters behind the nicks... Dumating yun point na parang gusto mo na lang i-delete yun blog o kaya you leave the group na lang or burahin lahat ng entries mo... Pero in time ('pag nakapag isip-isip ka na), babalikan mo rin yun blog, magpo-post ka pa rin. Out of habit nga ba? Siguro...because that blog is a part of your life, just as you are a part of it's life...you were one of its creators, you were among those people who at certain points of their lives weaved every letter into words, words into sentences, sentences into stories--of friendship, of love, of heartbreaks, of angst against the world (pwede rin other people), of dreams, of life... I myself am glad that the blog still exist, kahit bihira na may new entries, kahit ako mismo hindi na nagpo-post... I still (silently) visit the blog. See girls, meron pa naman pong nagbabasa ng mga entries ninyo (kahit na 'di naman intended for me ang post). I still visit the blog, not out of habit or the curiousity of seeing if there are new posts... I do that because I do value that site..with all the stories in the past three years (hey, it's our blogs 3rd anniversary this month of May!)... imagine, I used to be the "baby" (LOL)... maybe I still am, pero I've grown big, este up na rin... hey girls, sana mabasa niyo rin itong post na ito... when you're not THAT busy...

     Okay, this is my hmmmm...4th blog! 'Twas 3 years ago when my friends introduced me to blogger through a group blog (yep, the one that I'm referring to in the previous paragraph). Four month later (Sept. 2002) I created my own blog...first entry: Good things come to those who wait. Do not settle for less than the best; keep waiting until God decides, in His Own perfect time to give you things beyond your wildest dreams. Then last January, I created another blog (which answers Michelle's question on why I'm not updating my blog). Blog footer: If you are ever going to love me love me now; while I can know the sweet and tender feelings, which from true affection flow. Love me now while I am living, do not wait until I'm gone; and then have it chiseled in marble--Sweet words on ice-cold stone. If you have tender thoughts of me, please tell me now. For if you wait until I’m sleeping, never to awaken; there will be death between us, and I won't hear you then. So, if you love me, even a little bit, let me know it while I am living--so I can treasure it. Ala lang, like ko lang yun lines na yun. And now, friendster blog!

  What's the difference of friendster blog from my other blogs? Well, may touch of anonymity yun ibang blogs ko (esp. the one that I created last January) whereas, here siyemps alam ng lahat na blog ko ito, at may link pa sa friendster profile ko.

     What do I get from blogging? For one, nakakalibang. I just love writing anything, yep, even those sometimes kind of non-sense things dahil hindi ko mapag-dugtong ang thoughts ko. Bakit sa blog? Wala, trip ko lang...kanya-kanyang trip lang yun 'di ba? Kung meron ayaw magbasa, eh di huwag magbasa ng blog...basta ako, gusto kong magpost! (taray ba?!)

On Changes

Someone once wrote:

     "Changes happened so fast. PAGBABAGO. Nakakalula. may tinapos, may iiwanan, may sasamahan, may pakikisamahan, may pakikibagayan, may sisimulan. Isang pagbabago na lang ang inaasam. darating kaya? may tugon kaya? paano pag di mo pala gusto ang darating na pagbabago na noo'y inaasam mo? PANINIBAGO nakakapanibago. may mga bagay ka na gustong manatili sa kanilang estado. pero ikaw mismo ay kailagan magbago. nakakapanibago. gustuhin ko man, may mga bagay na di pa panahon para baguhin. hanggang dumating ang takdang panahon, mananatili muna akong maninibago sa darating na mga pagbabago. kailan kaya? ang hirap naman nito..."

And I posted:

     Ang sabi ng isang taong hinahangaan ko, "nothing is permanent in this world, except change." Tama, lahat nagbabago sa iba't-ibang dahilan, sa iba't-ibang paraan, may mga pagbabagong hindi inaasahan, mayroon din namang matagal mo nang inaasam. Mas magandang isipin na lahat ng pagbabago ay nagaganap para sa kabutihan ng lahat, pero nakalulungkot mang tanggapin, may mga pagbabagong nagdudulot lamang ng higit na pasakit at pagdurusa.

     Tama, nakalulula, ang hirap makibagay, ang hirap sumabay. Ang hirap intindihin kung bakit may mga taong nagsisimula ng isang bagay na hindi naman pala kayang panindigan-dala rin ba ito ng pagbabago? Pagbabago ng isip, ng damdamin, ng saloobin, ng paniniwala. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.

     Kung magbago ang lahat tungo sa ikabubuti ng mas nakararami, paano naman akong makasisiguro na mananatiling maayos ang lahat? Hindi ba't mangyayari pa rin naman ang isa pang pagbabago? Paano akong maniniwala na may pag-ibig na wagas? Hindi ba't sa isang saglit lamang ay maaari ring magbago ang lahat?

     Darating kaya? Marahil ay darating nga, subalit hanggang kailan mananatili? May tugon kaya? Marahil kung bibigkasin ang tamang katanungan maaaring marining ang kasagutan.

     Gaano nga ba tayo makasisiguro na magiging maligaya tayo sa mga bagay at pangyayaring matagal na nating ninanais at inaasam? Paano kung hindi? Sapat na ba ang umasang magbabago rin namang muli ang lahat? Pero paano ang mga bagay na hindi na muli pang maibabalik sa dati? Ang nabasag na banga, ang natuyong rosas, pagtitiwalang nawala, pagkakaibigang nasira...anong uri pa ng pagbabago ang magbabalik nito sa dating kaanyuan? Tama, hindi na nga ito maibabalik pa, hindi na mababago pa. Ang kailangan dito ay ang pagbabago ng pagtingin sa kasalukuyang kalagayan upang muling maging katanggap-tanggap.

     Napakasarap isipin na may takdang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay at pangyayari. Pero sino nga ba ang nagtatakda ng pagdating ng tamang panahon?

     Tama, ako man kailangang magbago, sino ba ang hindi? Napakasarap isipin na bahagi ka ng pagbabagong makapagpapabago sa takbo ng buhay. Kasabay ng pagsapit ng bukang liwayway ay ang pananabik, ang ligaya, ang init ng damdamin at pag-asa na ito na marahil ang takdang araw ng pagbangon ng lupang hinirang, isinilang mula sa puso ng karagatan, biniyayaan ng yaman at gandang hinahangaan ninuman, subalit pinag-kaitan ng pagkakataong maka-ahon mula sa kanlungan ng kamusmusan. Kailangang magbago, kailangang matutong tumayo, lumakad, tumakbo...ang mga ibon, natututong lumipad, sino ang hindi hahanga sa ganda ng paruparo na dati-rati'y isang uod na pinandidirihan? Bahagi pa rin ito ng walang hanggang pagbabago. Kasabay ng pagkamulat sa masalimuot na buhay ay ang paglago at pagbabago ng kasisipan, ng paniniwala, ng paninindigan, ng damdamin, ng saloobin, ng kabuuan ng pagkatao...bahagi ng paglago ang pakikipag-ugnayan, ang pakiki-isa, ang pakikisama.

     Dumarating din ang panahon ng paglisan, masakit ang mawalay sa mga tao o bagay na nakasanayan na natin ng laging nandyan. Minsan, naisip ko, sana hindi na lang sila dumating, sana hindi ako nasasaktan. Ngunit ang lahat ay bahagi ng isang realidad na 'di na maaaring baguhin pa. Isang pagbabago na naman ang kailangan...marahil darating din ang takdang panahon na mauunawaan ko kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat, marahil magbabago rin ang pagtingin ko sa mga pangyayari at matatanggap ang lahat. Kailan nga kaya? Sino ang magtatakda? Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi sila...

     Pag-asa...ito na lang yata ang nalalabing kataga na nagdudulot ng ngiti sa aking mga labi, na patuloy na nagpapatibok ng aking puso, na patuloy na nagbibigay ng halaga sa buhay. Tama, meron pang pag-asa...

     Paumanhin, masyado lang akong nadala ng mga katanungan at ng mga kasalukyang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Nawa'y manatili tayong maligaya at may pag-asa, sa kabila ng lahat, magandang pa rin ang bawat araw.

July 5, 2004

How do you tell a girl how much you love her?

You don't.
You show her.
You be her friend.
You be there for her when she needs someone to talk to.

You cry with her when she is sad, and you are happy for her when she succeeds at something, even if - no, make that ESPECIALLY if - she does that thing better than you do. And you do all you can to see that she succeeds at things often.

You give her what she needs, when she needs it, emotionally I mean, not "things."

And if you do really love her, not just think she is hot, or are infatuated with her, you will do all this expecting nothing in return. And I mean NOTHING.

If you expect anything from her, you do not love her, you just want to be loved by her. Everyone wants to be loved, but to be loved, you must love.

If you do these things well, one day she will come to you and confide in you about something she feels badly about, because, if you do these things well enough for long enough, it will be you she will want to confide in. When she does, you make sure she knows that it matters to you that this bothers her. If you have advice for her, save it until you are sure she knows you care, and that her feelings matter very much to you.

Once you are sure of this, you may offer your advice, but know that the caring is more important than your idea of how the problem might be "fixed."

Loving her is not admiring the way she looks or anything else about her. These may be among the reasons you are attracted to her, but they are not acts of loving. Loving her is a series of actions, things you do for her, for no other reason than you love her.

Loving her is not wanting her to give you attention, or to give you anything for that matter. Loving her is wanting to give, not get. That is how you love someone. You give to them all you can give and expect nothing back. Once you have done these things well enough for long enough, and her eyes tell you she longs to hear you tell her, then you will have earned the right to tell her how much you love her.

By Warren Kramer, Editor of Daily Wisdom

Dear . . .

     I am wondering at this very minute if you are thinking of me, if like me, you are wondering what is taking us so long to find each other. Many times I thought I finally found you only to be disillusioned by the fact that my wait has not yet ended. I get up each morning hoping, dreaming, longing to meet you. I am thinking of how we will meet, would it be as romantic as the ones I have seen in movies? Or is it possible that I have known you all my life but we have yet to realize that we are meant for each other? Oh how I wish you were here right now because you are the only one who has the answers to all my questions. Sometimes I ask myself if I have ever really known "love". I do not have the answer to that question either but I believe that, more often than not, we will never really know what love is until we find that right person.... and since I have not found you yet, then maybe I do not really know what love is!

     You just don't know how often I dream of finally knowing what it feels like to be in your arms. Even at this very moment I am imagining how you will simply sweep me off my feet! Perhaps I would be drawn to you by your smile, or your eyes, or maybe even how you manage to make me laugh by your silly little ways!

     I don't really know for sure but I am praying that God will help me recognize you when the right time comes. I think of all the pain that I have gone through in the past and of how much I have cried since the day I began my search. I just wanted you to know that I find my strength in clinging onto my vision of the beautiful life ahead of me --- the life I shall spend with you. In my mind and in my heart I know that you are worth all that pain and sacrifice.

     After all, the tears have become a part of my life and I believe that they are slowly washing away my flaws so that I would become perfect, not perfect in its truest sense, but perfect --- for YOU! I wonder if you've gone through so much pain as well. I wonder if you've been hurt so many times along the journey. But my dearest one, please don't ever give up because I am right here... patiently waiting for you! I assure you that when we finally find each other I would slowly heal those wounds by my love.

     At night, I would look out my window and stare at the beautiful sky, hoping that somehow you are also looking up and wondering about me. I utter a silent prayer and send all my cries to the heavens above thinking that in time they would reach you. And when I feel impatient, I just close my eyes and believe that you are on your way and that you are longing to see me as well. It is funny but when I finally fall asleep, it is still you that I think of, for you are always in my dreams. It seems that, for now, that is the only place where I can hold on to you, long enough to tell you how much I love you. In my dreams you would kiss away my fears and wrap me with your arms of love. And this, all the more, makes me want to wake up and face the new day ahead with the hope that soon enough, you will no longer be a dream but a reality and once again I am assured that you are worth the wait. And when that time comes, everything will fall into its place, just as I had imagined, just as I had thought and dreamed, just as I had believed it would be! By then, I would simply look back and smile at all that I have gone through, in spite of the pain and amidst the simple joys of life --- and I would be very thankful because they all led me to you!

     In the meantime, take care of yourself for me. Hold on to our dream and don't even think of letting go. Believe in your heart that we will find each other no matter what happens. God has planned the course and it is up to us to follow the directions. Don't worry, don't be afraid about getting lost, God saw to it that all the roads, no matter which one you choose to follow, lead to me .

     I posted this letter in another blog on October 23, 2002 but I forgot to include a waiver saying something like it wasn't me who wrote this letter. Well, it's just one of those mushy thingy forwards from an e-group. I posted this on my other blog...maybe because it hit me...I don't know, I am just a dreamer...

Life of a Broken-hearted Bum

Still bumming around...Oh, how can I tell him about this feeling? Why do I have to fall in love with a guy na friend lang naman ang tingin sa akin? Bakit kailangan kong pigilin ang sarili ko na ipaalam sa kanya na nasasaktan ako? Bakit kasi ako nasasaktan? Hindi naman dapat, wala naman akong karapatan masaktan..hindi naman kami eh..kaibigan lang naman ako..isa lang ako sa napakarami niyang kaibigan. Wala naman kaso kung mawala man ako sa buhay niya, marami pa naman kasing matitira..yun mga kaibigan niya na nakapagpapaligaya sa kanya..di tulad ko, lagi ko na lang siyang inaaway. Ewan ko ba, pag siya ang kasama ko o kaya kausap ko, feeling ko ang dami kong hindi alam sa mundo. He makes me feel that I live a pathetic life. Yun mga bagay na wala naman akong paki-alam dati, ngayon iniisip ko kung bakit nga ba ‘di ko sinubukang gawin o matutunan. Hindi naman sa ayaw kong gawin ang mga bagay na yun, siguro nga kasi pathetic lang talaga life ko, wala naman chance para matutunan ko yun mga yun. Gusto ko rin naman subukan gawin yun, kaya lang di naman siya nag-offer na turuan ako..ako na naman ba ang magyayaya? Kung sa bagay, ano naman ang masama kung yayain ko siya o magpaturo ako sa kanya, eh kaibigan ko naman siya di ba? Nakalimutan ko..hindi nga pala date ang hinihiling ko, konting time lang niya para aksayahin sa isang kaibigan na katulad ko. Nakakainis na nga eh, pakiramdam ko, pinagsisiksikan ko na sarili ko sa kanya. Feeling ko hassle lang ako sa mga lakad niya dahil napipilitan siyang intindihin o alalahanin ako. Shame..ano ba ito? Self pity? Ilang beses ko nang nabasa ang mga temang ganito. Yun mga relasyon na wala namang kasiguruhan kung ano nga ba. In the first place, meron nga bang relasyon? Kaibigan..yun lang..at isa lang ako sa napakarami niyang kaibigan. Ang sakit nun! Ewan ko, di ba sabi nila pag nagmahal ka dapat wala kang hinihintay na kapalit? Siguro sa isang banda, tama yun pero hirap naman kung pati sarili ko lolokohin ko at paniniwalain na di ako nasasaktan. Imagine, habang ako nagkakandalito-lito at natutulala kaiisip sa kanya, malamang eh ni hindi man lang ako sumagi kahit sa guniguni niya. Masyado siyang busy eh -- sa trabaho, sa personal niyang buhay kasama na rin ang marami niyang kaibigan. Kung bakit naman kasi iniisip ko pa siya eh, pambihira..kahit na nga ako mismo busy sa trabaho ko eh lagi ko pa rin siyang naiisip. Sabi ng isang friend ko, mahal ko raw pag ganun. Ang totoo, noon ko pa naman narealize yun eh di ko lang matanggap dahil ayaw ko. Natatakot kasi ako eh. Natatakot akong masaktan kaya takot akong magtake ng risk. Bakit risk? Kasi hindi ko naman alam kung ano ko para sa kanya. Ang alam ko lang, tinanong niya ko noon kung pwedeng makipagkaibigan. Pagkatapos nun, wala na. Sabi nun friend ko, nagpapalakad raw sa’kin; tinatanong pa raw kung may pag-asa ba siya. We went out okay..hmm..twice I guess, at meron akong kasamang chaperone. Text, phone calls, yun lang. Dun sa mga instances na yun, he never told me anything kung ano ko sa kanya, kung like nya ko or whatever. Alam mo yun feeling na pinagkakaisahan ka ng mga tao sa paligid mo? Yun bang lahat sila tinutukso ka sa isang tao pero kapag yun taong yun na ang kaharap mo, wala naman siyang sinasabi sa iyo. Nakakainis! Masyado kasi akong vulnerable sa mga tuksong ganun..kaya nga ayaw ko ng tinutukso ko eh, lalo na kapag ganun, hindi naman totoo. In the end kasi, ako lang naman ang nasasaktan..nakakainis! Ang hirap pala mainlove..tagal ko nga iniwasan ng ganito eh. Ayaw ko kasi matulad sa mga friends ko na namumroblema sa relationship nila. Ang dami ko nang narinig na mga sad stories from them, kaya rin siguro takot akong mag-take ng risk. Pero siguro dumarating lang talaga yun point na kahit anong gawin mo, mangyayari pa rin yun mga bagay na iniiwasan mo. Mas sad lang pala ang kalalabasan kasi sobrang unexpected lahat and to think na after all those years that you’ve shielded yourself from the sad realities of love and relationships, ganun din pala ang ending. Haay..wala pa ngang simula eh, ending agad at sad ending pa. Ngayon eto, friends kami pero deep inside wish ko na sana more than friends..wish lang kasi it’s far from reality. Minsan ang hirap nga eh, ang hirap magpretend na di ako nasasaktan, lalo na pag may mga sinasabi siya concerning women whom he meet. Nakakainis rin kasi parang I always have to make papansin para lang maalala niya ko. Kaya nga feeling ko pinagsisiksikan ko sarili ko sa kanya eh. Ewan, I just can’t help but contact him everyday..kahit na minsan dead-ma lang siya..siyempre, nalulungkot ako pag dine dead-ma niya ko pero ano naman right ko di ba, friend lang naman ako. Shame..ang hirap ng buhay ng bum, lalo na pag ganito..lalo ko lang siyang naiisip..lalo lang akong nasasaktan.