Take time to be aware; it is the opportunity to help others.
Take time to be friendly; it is the road to happiness.
Take time to be quiet; it is the opportunity to seek God.
Take time to dream; it hitches the soul to the stars.
Take time to give; it is too short a day to be selfish.
Take time to help and enjoy with friends; it is the source of happiness.
Take time to laugh; it is the music of the soul.
Take time to love and be loved; it is God's greatest gift.
Take time to play; it is the source of perpetual youth.
Take time to pray; it is the greatest power on earth.
Take time to read; it is the foundation of knowledge.
Take time to read your bible; it feeds the soul.
Take time to think; it is the foundation of wisdom.
Take time to work; it is the price of success.
Take time to worship; it is the highway of reverence and washes the dust of earth from our eyes.
Take time to plan; it is the secret of being able to have time to take time for the first fifteen things.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Sunday, November 02, 2003
Sometimes all you can give is love
Sometimes all you have is not enough
Sometimes life is like a dream
Sometimes dreams aren't what they seem
Sometimes laughter can heal your heart
Sometimes it's laughter that breaks it apart
Sometimes the world goes faster than you can go
Sometimes even fast is still too slow
Sometimes going home is the only thing on your mind
Sometimes home is the only place you can't find
Sometimes you are too tired to sleep
Sometimes you are too sad to weep
Sometimes freedom holds you back
Sometimes a wedding dress is black
Sometimes loneliness is what you need
Sometimes there's a harvest without a seed
Sometimes darkness can be too bright
Sometimes rain gives you delight
Sometimes you think you understand
Sometimes you know you really can't
Sometimes what sets you free are restrictions
Sometimes what makes most sense are contradictions
Sometimes all you have is not enough
Sometimes life is like a dream
Sometimes dreams aren't what they seem
Sometimes laughter can heal your heart
Sometimes it's laughter that breaks it apart
Sometimes the world goes faster than you can go
Sometimes even fast is still too slow
Sometimes going home is the only thing on your mind
Sometimes home is the only place you can't find
Sometimes you are too tired to sleep
Sometimes you are too sad to weep
Sometimes freedom holds you back
Sometimes a wedding dress is black
Sometimes loneliness is what you need
Sometimes there's a harvest without a seed
Sometimes darkness can be too bright
Sometimes rain gives you delight
Sometimes you think you understand
Sometimes you know you really can't
Sometimes what sets you free are restrictions
Sometimes what makes most sense are contradictions
Saturday, September 27, 2003
4.G.2.22.2000
Just another of those "I found this stuff in my old journal" things...
How I wish that you were my brother; that we were raised up in the same home. That way, I can hug you and kiss you…no one would ever bother anyway.
How I wish that you were my brother; and that each day you’ll take me home. We can sleep together and your loving hand will caress me when I feel blue…no one would ever bother anyway.
How I wish that you were my brother; that I have known you long ago. I would have known everything about you, I can be with you everyday, and even know each girl that pass you way... no one would ever bother anyway.
How I wish that you were my brother; that I’m your little sister whom you care for. And I can hold your hand or hold on to your arm as we walk along the way…no one would ever bother anyway.
If you were my brother, I can kiss you, but too long—you would wonder; I can hug you, but not too tight—you’d want to go; and yes, I can cry on your shoulder and you’d comfort me to ease the pain then suddenly pass me to mommy and tell me that she, more than anyone can understand my sorrow (truth is, you just don’t want me to ruin your attire for a date).
If you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, and I’ve known you since we’re little kids then, I will miss the feeling of being lifted in the air with every little thing that I discover about you. Though I can hold your hand, one day you’ll pull it off to hold another girl. If we’ve been together since I was born then one day, you’ll leave our home to build your own with another girl.
I you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, we’d be of one flesh and one blood; then, what I’m feeling now would all be wrong.
“GLAD THAT I’M A STRANGER!”
/April 22, 2000
How I wish that you were my brother; that we were raised up in the same home. That way, I can hug you and kiss you…no one would ever bother anyway.
How I wish that you were my brother; and that each day you’ll take me home. We can sleep together and your loving hand will caress me when I feel blue…no one would ever bother anyway.
How I wish that you were my brother; that I have known you long ago. I would have known everything about you, I can be with you everyday, and even know each girl that pass you way... no one would ever bother anyway.
How I wish that you were my brother; that I’m your little sister whom you care for. And I can hold your hand or hold on to your arm as we walk along the way…no one would ever bother anyway.
If you were my brother, I can kiss you, but too long—you would wonder; I can hug you, but not too tight—you’d want to go; and yes, I can cry on your shoulder and you’d comfort me to ease the pain then suddenly pass me to mommy and tell me that she, more than anyone can understand my sorrow (truth is, you just don’t want me to ruin your attire for a date).
If you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, and I’ve known you since we’re little kids then, I will miss the feeling of being lifted in the air with every little thing that I discover about you. Though I can hold your hand, one day you’ll pull it off to hold another girl. If we’ve been together since I was born then one day, you’ll leave our home to build your own with another girl.
I you were my brother, and we’re raised up in the same home, we’d be of one flesh and one blood; then, what I’m feeling now would all be wrong.
“GLAD THAT I’M A STRANGER!”
/April 22, 2000
Monday, September 22, 2003
My mind drifts away and my head seems to float. I feel like I am being lifted in the air, yeah, it’s like I’m flying…I am afraid to close my eyes for I feel like my soul will move out of my body. I roam around and feign some smile, talked with people trying to listen intently so as not to forget what they are saying. Perhaps I really need to rest, but I don’t want to. Staying home alone only make me feel lonelier. It just gives me ample time to think about those things that I still refuse to remember. I just want to forget it all. I spent last night half awake and half asleep until the dawn. Do I sound like I’m drugged or something? Don’t get me wrong. Yeah, I am under the influence—not of illegal drugs of course (that’s the least possible thing that I’d resort to). I still feel sick after four days of rest. Well, I thought I’m already well yesterday, but perhaps the weather that suddenly changed from sunny to some rainfall in mid-day caused my system to break again. One reason why I don’t like taking medications is that it makes me feel this way; makes me feel drifting with the wind. I wish I could actually do that—to stay away from people who make me feel sad. It makes me sad, realizing that it’s really harmful for me to easily trust people. I don’t know why I do trust people way quite easily, but now I am reminded that I have to think it over again. Sometimes I wonder why there are people like them. I wish they’d just stay away from me. But they do exist; they do come along. Maybe I just feel disappointed—with my self.
Friday, September 19, 2003
If only people never started pretending that they care, it could have been better. It hurts when you start to feel that after all, everything is just a game. What hurts you more is the feeling that in this game, you are neither the winner nor the loser—you are not a player, but a mere toy. Day in and day out you live in maze of confusions and delusions that cloud your vision and judgment. You weep, you feel sad, you want to scream all the way but these things just can’t help enough to remove the unbearable pain. If only people just let me live my life alone and never dared to barge into my world, I could have been happier. There is a huge difference between being alone and feeling alone, but the latter bring more pain. What is even more painful is when one brave soul comes along when all the while you’re completely contented with your life. Suddenly, you’ll have the courage to go out of your comfort zone, believing that this person will guide and support you through the complexities of life, only to be disillusioned to find yourself hanging alone in a maze created by your own delusions. You try to convince yourself that it’s not worth the tears, but that fact alone makes you feel all more distressed.
I just feel totally dazed by the things that went through. Perhaps there are just some basic facts that I cannot accept, things that I refuse to remember but cannot forget, challenges that I have to face but am so afraid to. I hate feeling this way. A friend from another blog is talking about remembering how to feel after "unfeeling" for a long time. Now, I want to feel that "unfeeling." I don't know, I just feel so confused. I wish I could talk with a friend, but maybe it's not the brightest idea for it just made me feel all the more sad realizing that this friend of mine has his own life to spend all twenty four hours of everyday.
I only wish one thing for now...
I just feel totally dazed by the things that went through. Perhaps there are just some basic facts that I cannot accept, things that I refuse to remember but cannot forget, challenges that I have to face but am so afraid to. I hate feeling this way. A friend from another blog is talking about remembering how to feel after "unfeeling" for a long time. Now, I want to feel that "unfeeling." I don't know, I just feel so confused. I wish I could talk with a friend, but maybe it's not the brightest idea for it just made me feel all the more sad realizing that this friend of mine has his own life to spend all twenty four hours of everyday.
I only wish one thing for now...
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
An interesting stuff:
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
L o V e ? ? ?
Are your palms sweaty? Is your heart raising? And is your voice caught within your chest?
It isn’t love, it’s like.
You can’t keep your eyes off her/him, am I right?
It isn’t love, it’s lust.
Are you proud and eager to show her/him off?
It isn’t love, it’s luck.
Do you want her/him because you know s/he’s there?
It isn’t love, it’s loneliness.
Are you there because it’s what everyone wants?
It isn’t love, it’s loyalty.
Do you want to stay for her/his confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt her/him?
It isn’t love, it’s pity.
Do you belong to her because her/his sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn’t love, it’s infatuation.
Are you there because s/he kissed you or held your hand?
It isn’t love, it’s confidence.
Do you pardon her/his faults because you care about her/him?
It isn’t love, it’s friendship.
Do you tell her/him everyday s/he is the only one you think of?
It isn’t love, it’s lie.
Are you willing to give up all your favorite things for her/his like?
It isn’t love, it’s charity.
But, do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and hold you?
Does you heart ache and break when s/he’s sad?
Do you cry for her/his pain, even when s/he’s strong?
Do you accept her/his faults because it’s part of who s/he is?
Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret?
Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply, it hurts?
Would you give your heart, your life, your death?
…then, it’s LOVE.
Are your palms sweaty? Is your heart raising? And is your voice caught within your chest?
It isn’t love, it’s like.
You can’t keep your eyes off her/him, am I right?
It isn’t love, it’s lust.
Are you proud and eager to show her/him off?
It isn’t love, it’s luck.
Do you want her/him because you know s/he’s there?
It isn’t love, it’s loneliness.
Are you there because it’s what everyone wants?
It isn’t love, it’s loyalty.
Do you want to stay for her/his confessions of love because you don’t want to hurt her/him?
It isn’t love, it’s pity.
Do you belong to her because her/his sight makes your heart skip a beat?
It isn’t love, it’s infatuation.
Are you there because s/he kissed you or held your hand?
It isn’t love, it’s confidence.
Do you pardon her/his faults because you care about her/him?
It isn’t love, it’s friendship.
Do you tell her/him everyday s/he is the only one you think of?
It isn’t love, it’s lie.
Are you willing to give up all your favorite things for her/his like?
It isn’t love, it’s charity.
But, do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain and elation pulls you close and hold you?
Does you heart ache and break when s/he’s sad?
Do you cry for her/his pain, even when s/he’s strong?
Do you accept her/his faults because it’s part of who s/he is?
Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret?
Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply, it hurts?
Would you give your heart, your life, your death?
…then, it’s LOVE.
Monday, September 15, 2003
25 Things that make my toes tingle, my heart flutter, and my face glow with happiness
1. A good book.
2. A good conversation.
3. A hand-written snail-mail.
4. A long distance phone call.
5. A special glance.
6. Chocolait.
7. Chocolate cake.
8. Chocolate sundae.
9. Double Dutch.
10. Elmo of Sesame Street.
11. Falling in love.
12. Friends.
13. Having someone play with my hair.
14. Having someone sing songs for me.
15. Holding hands with someone I care about.
16. Hot bath.
17. Lying in bed while listening to the rain outside.
18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
19. Nice music.
20. No traffic along España.
21. Running into old friends/acquaintances.
22. Teddy bears.
23. Text messages.
24. The beach.
25. Yoot Tower.
1. A good book.
2. A good conversation.
3. A hand-written snail-mail.
4. A long distance phone call.
5. A special glance.
6. Chocolait.
7. Chocolate cake.
8. Chocolate sundae.
9. Double Dutch.
10. Elmo of Sesame Street.
11. Falling in love.
12. Friends.
13. Having someone play with my hair.
14. Having someone sing songs for me.
15. Holding hands with someone I care about.
16. Hot bath.
17. Lying in bed while listening to the rain outside.
18. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
19. Nice music.
20. No traffic along España.
21. Running into old friends/acquaintances.
22. Teddy bears.
23. Text messages.
24. The beach.
25. Yoot Tower.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Bz, bz, bz… need some break. One of the Bs from the other blog invited me to join them on a night out…wink*, wink* let’s see.
Just crossed my mind to blog while listening to Gary V’s rendition of I Will Be Here, from his album, Revive. I just love this collection.
Am turning twenty-four next month…whew! Where will I spend my birthday kaya? La la la la la… It’ll be a Saturday, last year’s a Friday and I went out with some friends, ate some chicken at Mc Donald’s then drunk my first bottle of beer at cravings (yeah, my first and it’s San Mig Light). I plan to take my birthday leave Monday after my birthday (yipeeee!!! am taking a leave!!!!).
Just crossed my mind to blog while listening to Gary V’s rendition of I Will Be Here, from his album, Revive. I just love this collection.
Am turning twenty-four next month…whew! Where will I spend my birthday kaya? La la la la la… It’ll be a Saturday, last year’s a Friday and I went out with some friends, ate some chicken at Mc Donald’s then drunk my first bottle of beer at cravings (yeah, my first and it’s San Mig Light). I plan to take my birthday leave Monday after my birthday (yipeeee!!! am taking a leave!!!!).
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
A lot of things, a lot of work, a lot of stuff... I am tired.
A friend offered me to go somewhere up North--am still sorting things out, I mean whether I'll go or not. Well, considering my "economic measures" I'd rather stay home, but when I think of all these things that bother me, I'd like to take a looong break.
BUT, I know that taking a break to leave all these things behind would never help anyway. I mean, I still have to do these when I come back, and for sure, I will not enjoy the vacation.
Whatever...I just want to breath all these away. Err, no matter how many deep breaths I take, my mind just seemed to be so preoccupied with aghh...
I heard that my mom from the other blog had a nice vacation somewhere far north. I miss those kind of things. I'd like to go somewhere peaceful, somewhere where nature will remind me that after all, life is beautiful. I just feel so sad the past days. I always want to talk with somebody, just to remind myself that, "hey, you still have people out there who care for you." I don't know, I want to cry but I get tired of it. I go to work, I smile, I laugh, I try my best to accomplish things, but I still feel sad deep inside.
The last time I felt this way, well that was last year I recall. I had a friend who gave me much comfort. Funny, that person is not even among those I consider as close friends. He may never know how thankful am I that he was there exactly when I need someone--when all my friends are well, maybe sound asleep (in the wee hours of the morning). I couldn't thank him anymore for we lost communication, for what reason--I don't know. But I never had regrets in knowing him, and in sharing most of my deepest secrets with him, na kahit my closest friends ko hindi alam. When we talk, no holds barred talaga, and we talk about any topic. Sa intellectual level, we just seem to fit right, but in others, uh, well--never mind. Do I miss him? I guess no more, even during this time na I seem to need him. I already feel contented with the time we spent talking, I couldn't ask for more.
For now, I still feel sad. Maybe lilipas rin ito, pero kung kailan, I really don't know.
A friend offered me to go somewhere up North--am still sorting things out, I mean whether I'll go or not. Well, considering my "economic measures" I'd rather stay home, but when I think of all these things that bother me, I'd like to take a looong break.
BUT, I know that taking a break to leave all these things behind would never help anyway. I mean, I still have to do these when I come back, and for sure, I will not enjoy the vacation.
Whatever...I just want to breath all these away. Err, no matter how many deep breaths I take, my mind just seemed to be so preoccupied with aghh...
I heard that my mom from the other blog had a nice vacation somewhere far north. I miss those kind of things. I'd like to go somewhere peaceful, somewhere where nature will remind me that after all, life is beautiful. I just feel so sad the past days. I always want to talk with somebody, just to remind myself that, "hey, you still have people out there who care for you." I don't know, I want to cry but I get tired of it. I go to work, I smile, I laugh, I try my best to accomplish things, but I still feel sad deep inside.
The last time I felt this way, well that was last year I recall. I had a friend who gave me much comfort. Funny, that person is not even among those I consider as close friends. He may never know how thankful am I that he was there exactly when I need someone--when all my friends are well, maybe sound asleep (in the wee hours of the morning). I couldn't thank him anymore for we lost communication, for what reason--I don't know. But I never had regrets in knowing him, and in sharing most of my deepest secrets with him, na kahit my closest friends ko hindi alam. When we talk, no holds barred talaga, and we talk about any topic. Sa intellectual level, we just seem to fit right, but in others, uh, well--never mind. Do I miss him? I guess no more, even during this time na I seem to need him. I already feel contented with the time we spent talking, I couldn't ask for more.
For now, I still feel sad. Maybe lilipas rin ito, pero kung kailan, I really don't know.
Wednesday, August 06, 2003
Just another sleepless night.
No. Not that I am in love or thinking of someone—I am thinking of something…no, make that a lot of things.
Nascent’s Charming brain is in full gear again! Just completed the feedback report of a meeting that I was assigned to attend. Before that, I made the activity proposal for an upcoming meeting that I have to call all by myself! Galing ko lang siguro mag-project, hindi naman ako mukhang harassed or something. Ako siguro may problema, mas maingay ako, makulit at mukhang masaya kapag maraming gawain ang resulta: damihan pa natin! Ha ha ha…
Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise na loaded rin ang kapit-bahay ko ng work, dahil if not, kakaasar, di siya makaka-relate sa akin. Now that the dear neighbor also have eight hands and four sets of brains with an above-average IQ, at least, hindi lang ako ang mukhang baliw dito na alas kuwatro na ng madaling araw eh gising pa. Masaya naman kami, sobra, nakukuha pa nga namin tumawa nang tumawa eh (somebody call an ambulance—gumagamit ba ng ambulance papunta ng mental institution? Ayaw ko na dagdagan pa ang pag-iisipan ko eh). In fairness naman sa amin ni neighbor, harmless kami, nagpa-inject na kami together with the pet dogs last summer! Har har har… Naalala ko lang, di ko pa pala naplantsa ang damit ko para bukas at sa susunod na dalawang araw. Malamang makatulog pa ako nito! Ewan ko ba, gawin ba kasing career ang di pagtulog noh?! Anyway, na-miss ko ang aking roommate buddy kanina, she’s sick, and I hope okay na siya. Dumadami na ang taong inaasar ko—hmmm…eto na naman ako! Gotta stop this, baka maging issue na naman eh, mahirap na. Napansin ko lang, kulang ng isa ang aking koala—oh where, oh where can it be?
Everybody’s not in the mood these days—so am I. I just want to keep quiet than say the wrong words, hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao katulad ko—sila kaya, nare-realize nilang hindi lahat ng tao katulad nila? This is the reason why I limit my self to my personal blog the past weeks. At least here, I post whatever I want unlike sa group blog, di maiwasan ang violent reactions mula sa kung sinu-sinong abala sa kung ano.
God willing, hindi nawa umulan sa 27—another sleepless night maybe!
No. Not that I am in love or thinking of someone—I am thinking of something…no, make that a lot of things.
Nascent’s Charming brain is in full gear again! Just completed the feedback report of a meeting that I was assigned to attend. Before that, I made the activity proposal for an upcoming meeting that I have to call all by myself! Galing ko lang siguro mag-project, hindi naman ako mukhang harassed or something. Ako siguro may problema, mas maingay ako, makulit at mukhang masaya kapag maraming gawain ang resulta: damihan pa natin! Ha ha ha…
Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise na loaded rin ang kapit-bahay ko ng work, dahil if not, kakaasar, di siya makaka-relate sa akin. Now that the dear neighbor also have eight hands and four sets of brains with an above-average IQ, at least, hindi lang ako ang mukhang baliw dito na alas kuwatro na ng madaling araw eh gising pa. Masaya naman kami, sobra, nakukuha pa nga namin tumawa nang tumawa eh (somebody call an ambulance—gumagamit ba ng ambulance papunta ng mental institution? Ayaw ko na dagdagan pa ang pag-iisipan ko eh). In fairness naman sa amin ni neighbor, harmless kami, nagpa-inject na kami together with the pet dogs last summer! Har har har… Naalala ko lang, di ko pa pala naplantsa ang damit ko para bukas at sa susunod na dalawang araw. Malamang makatulog pa ako nito! Ewan ko ba, gawin ba kasing career ang di pagtulog noh?! Anyway, na-miss ko ang aking roommate buddy kanina, she’s sick, and I hope okay na siya. Dumadami na ang taong inaasar ko—hmmm…eto na naman ako! Gotta stop this, baka maging issue na naman eh, mahirap na. Napansin ko lang, kulang ng isa ang aking koala—oh where, oh where can it be?
Everybody’s not in the mood these days—so am I. I just want to keep quiet than say the wrong words, hindi naman kasi lahat ng tao katulad ko—sila kaya, nare-realize nilang hindi lahat ng tao katulad nila? This is the reason why I limit my self to my personal blog the past weeks. At least here, I post whatever I want unlike sa group blog, di maiwasan ang violent reactions mula sa kung sinu-sinong abala sa kung ano.
God willing, hindi nawa umulan sa 27—another sleepless night maybe!
Monday, July 28, 2003
After forcefully keeping my fingers from stroking the keyboard, I can't help but blog today. There are a lot of things that happened the past days. I've been through a lot of confusions the past days, and I thank Angel and D for their advice and concern. I really don't know what to do, especially during those days when everything just seemed to be out of control, when I can't even think clearly of what to do, when a lot of worries occupied my mind. The days went on, just like any day with Nascent walking like a zombie. She's definitely out of her wits. Maybe some people just don't seem to understand her. To most of them Nascent is just another childish soul, some even sees her as a brat, but beneath that surface lies what no one can see, much more comprehend. Nascent is afraid of a lot of things, but she never quit on trying to overcome her weaknesses. It's quite hard to face challenges when you are forced to face it, when you have no choice but to do it. It's like a do or die situation. Maybe Nascent just opted to be like a child, willingly accepting what life has to offer. Always believing that there are still a lot of good things here on earth.
But some things just make Nascent sad, like silence. For silence is more deafening than noise. For silence must not be equated to peace. Peace is not silence. Nascent is sad over the lost of some people who have been dear to her. Perhaps that's how life goes. Sometimes Nascent just can't take it all. Through the years, Nascent learned how to say no, how to say nothing. Nascent has her own way of pretending to be insensitive, pretending to be happy, no, it's not really pretending, perhaps trying is a better tem. Perhaps it's better to remain silent for now, though her heart aches with just the thought of it. Sana nga lang, they can be with her these days, when Nascent just feel like crying, when she need their care. Pero siguro, kailangan lang niya matutong mapag-isa. Sabi nga, the greatest teacher is experience. Siguro I just have to walk through all these alone. I've lived most of my years alone naman eh, nakakalungkot pero what can I do? Minsan naitanong ko na rin sa sarili ko, am I the only one who's being childish? At times I think not. Again, I opt not to expound on the thought. Am still thankful that friends are still there to remind her of a rainbow after the rain, that every storm has its eye, where there is calmness.
And the wheel must turn, the cycle must go, and Nascent Charm just have to …
Sometimes it's hard to express what you truly want. Frustrating indeed.
But some things just make Nascent sad, like silence. For silence is more deafening than noise. For silence must not be equated to peace. Peace is not silence. Nascent is sad over the lost of some people who have been dear to her. Perhaps that's how life goes. Sometimes Nascent just can't take it all. Through the years, Nascent learned how to say no, how to say nothing. Nascent has her own way of pretending to be insensitive, pretending to be happy, no, it's not really pretending, perhaps trying is a better tem. Perhaps it's better to remain silent for now, though her heart aches with just the thought of it. Sana nga lang, they can be with her these days, when Nascent just feel like crying, when she need their care. Pero siguro, kailangan lang niya matutong mapag-isa. Sabi nga, the greatest teacher is experience. Siguro I just have to walk through all these alone. I've lived most of my years alone naman eh, nakakalungkot pero what can I do? Minsan naitanong ko na rin sa sarili ko, am I the only one who's being childish? At times I think not. Again, I opt not to expound on the thought. Am still thankful that friends are still there to remind her of a rainbow after the rain, that every storm has its eye, where there is calmness.
And the wheel must turn, the cycle must go, and Nascent Charm just have to …
Sometimes it's hard to express what you truly want. Frustrating indeed.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
takot ka ba?
May mga bagay at pangyayaring sadyang nakakatakot. Minsan, gusto mong isipin na paranoid ka lang, pero kadalasan, nakakatakot talaga ang mga ito. Yun ba naman nanonood ka ng TV tapos biglang mag-iiba ang palabas at may lalabas na babaeng nakasuot ng uniform sa mental hospital at papunta sa iyo, 'di ka matatakot? Pero mas nakakatakot siguro kumain sa isang fastfood chain na may katabi kang medyo nahulugan ng ilang screw sa ulo, at mas nakakatakot kung hanggang sa pagsakay mo ng jeep eh bigla na lang siyang lilitaw mula sa madilim na lugar na di karaniwang dinadaanan ng tao, uupo sa tapat mo, at after a while eh lilipat ng upuan sa tabi mo at ipipilit na magsumiksik kahit na siyam na kayong naka-upo sa jeep na dapat sana eh pituhan lang(nangyari sa akin ito minsan!). Nakakatakot talaga. Nakakatakot rin yun bigla na lang may magte-text sa iyo, tapos sasabihin na nakita ka niya sa isang lugar at ide-describe pa niya ang kung ano suot mong damit, ang ayos ng buhok, etc. Mas nakakatakot yun nangyari sa isang friend ko, akalain mo ba naman na matutulog na lang siya eh biglang may gumapang na ahas sa mga hita niya! Aba, ang tapang na tao nun, kung ako siguro yun eh nawalan na ko ng ulirat sa sobrang takot (eh larawan pa lang ng ahas eh kinikilabutan na ako, kahit na nga dun sa mga sticker na nakadikit sa tricycle na nauso noong nag-aaral pa ako sa mababang paaralan ng matandang balara—oo, yun ang pangalan ng school ko). Yun iba, natatakot na mawala sa kanila yun mga bagay na nakasanayan na nila, o mga taong minahal na nila; yun iba naman, natatakot na subuking gawin ang mga bagay na di pa nila nai-try mula nun isilang sila sa daigdig. Eto pa ang isang ultimate nakakatakot, yun bang nasabi mo sa isang tao ang isang lihim pagkatapos eh nai-kwento agad niya sa isa 'nyo pang kasama tapos eh sabay ka nilang aasarin tungkol doon! Grabe talaga yun iba JAN!
Pero sa tingin ko, mas nakakatakot ang manatili sa nakaraan. Mas nakakatakot ang mabuhay sa loob ng isang panaginip. Hindi naman masama ang mangarap at magsumikap na abutin ito, pero ang mangarap at mamuhay sa loob nito ay sadyang nakakatakot para sa akin. Gayundin ang manatiling nakalugmok sa hinagpis at poot mula sa di magandang nakaraan. Nakakatakot maging stagnant—para kang tubig na walang ibang silbi kung hindi ang pamugaran at itlugan ng mga lamok at kiti-kiti (wrigglers—hindi yun chewing gum, wrigley’s yun)—hindi ito nagdudulot nga kabutihan para sa daigdig, kung hindi ng panganib. Ibig sabihin, you have to let it flow, you have to let go, you have to move on, you have to face today, you have to have foresight, you have to plan for tomorrow, you have to try new things, you have to grow up as you grow old, you have to learn new trades, you have to explore, you have to live your life. Parang (hindi ito yun anyong lupa at hindi rin yun lugar sa marikina, ibig kong sabihin, parang—in English, it may be translated to “it’s like” or “it seem/s”), ang daling gawin ano, well, ang totoo, nakakatakot rin! Eh siyempre, I need some strength and courage to go on ano, minsan hahanap ka ng ispiration, minsan naman napipilitan kang gawin ang isang bagay dahil na rin sa takot (oh, di ba totoo?). Pero mas maganda kasi kung kusang loob mong gagawin yun mga bagay na yun eh, yun bang dahil gusto mong gawin, hindi dahil kailangan mong gawin. Sa madaling salita, mas madaling gawin ang lahat ng bagay basta gusto mo, it’s easier to move on if you’re willing to forgive and let go of the past; it’s easier to grow up if you’re ready to face it’s challenges; it’s easier to learn new crafts if you’re eager to; it’s easier to live if you have zest in life.
Parang ang gulo ng blog ko ano, hindi ko kasi alam kung paano pagdudugtungin ang mga pangyayari nitong nakaraang mga araw, ayaw ko naman ikuwento rito in detail. Ngayon, gagawa pa ako ng IPP ko—nakakatakot—baka ma-late ako mamaya dapat raw seven a.m. eh nasa office na dahil aalis na kami. Nakakatakot rin, kasi ang dami ko palang dapat gawin! Angel, Mommy, I dreamed of my bear last night! Magulo, parang walang story yun dream ko, all I remember is I saw my dear bear. I just love stuffed bears – they’re soooo huggable.
Pero sa tingin ko, mas nakakatakot ang manatili sa nakaraan. Mas nakakatakot ang mabuhay sa loob ng isang panaginip. Hindi naman masama ang mangarap at magsumikap na abutin ito, pero ang mangarap at mamuhay sa loob nito ay sadyang nakakatakot para sa akin. Gayundin ang manatiling nakalugmok sa hinagpis at poot mula sa di magandang nakaraan. Nakakatakot maging stagnant—para kang tubig na walang ibang silbi kung hindi ang pamugaran at itlugan ng mga lamok at kiti-kiti (wrigglers—hindi yun chewing gum, wrigley’s yun)—hindi ito nagdudulot nga kabutihan para sa daigdig, kung hindi ng panganib. Ibig sabihin, you have to let it flow, you have to let go, you have to move on, you have to face today, you have to have foresight, you have to plan for tomorrow, you have to try new things, you have to grow up as you grow old, you have to learn new trades, you have to explore, you have to live your life. Parang (hindi ito yun anyong lupa at hindi rin yun lugar sa marikina, ibig kong sabihin, parang—in English, it may be translated to “it’s like” or “it seem/s”), ang daling gawin ano, well, ang totoo, nakakatakot rin! Eh siyempre, I need some strength and courage to go on ano, minsan hahanap ka ng ispiration, minsan naman napipilitan kang gawin ang isang bagay dahil na rin sa takot (oh, di ba totoo?). Pero mas maganda kasi kung kusang loob mong gagawin yun mga bagay na yun eh, yun bang dahil gusto mong gawin, hindi dahil kailangan mong gawin. Sa madaling salita, mas madaling gawin ang lahat ng bagay basta gusto mo, it’s easier to move on if you’re willing to forgive and let go of the past; it’s easier to grow up if you’re ready to face it’s challenges; it’s easier to learn new crafts if you’re eager to; it’s easier to live if you have zest in life.
Parang ang gulo ng blog ko ano, hindi ko kasi alam kung paano pagdudugtungin ang mga pangyayari nitong nakaraang mga araw, ayaw ko naman ikuwento rito in detail. Ngayon, gagawa pa ako ng IPP ko—nakakatakot—baka ma-late ako mamaya dapat raw seven a.m. eh nasa office na dahil aalis na kami. Nakakatakot rin, kasi ang dami ko palang dapat gawin! Angel, Mommy, I dreamed of my bear last night! Magulo, parang walang story yun dream ko, all I remember is I saw my dear bear. I just love stuffed bears – they’re soooo huggable.
Sunday, July 06, 2003
It was Friday. Nascent moved from a mansion somewhere in Isidora Hills to an old house just across NEB in Malacañang. Everything happened soooo fast. Just two days before, Nascent came into that office completely unaware of what’s going on (seemed like she’s in a trance or something). The boss just asked her if she can report the next day (gulp! What’s this? Nascent wondered, nonetheless, she just requested for a day to fix things back in the mansion.) And, so the fateful Friday morning came, Nascent came to work not yet completely aware of what she’s supposed to do in her new job, knowing no one in the office, and left alone in a room that smelled something like moist soil with dead leaves and twigs starting to decay (poor Nascent, she always get allergic reaction to smells, so the room condition left her with everyday colds – thanks to anti-allergens!). Anyway, after sometime, she got used to it. Knowing no one in the office, and left alone in the room, Nascent felt totally alone, somewhat helpless and partly asking herself why she ever decided to transfer. Days passed and Nascent knew some of the staff in her new office, everything seemed just fine and she’s learned how to do the tasks given to her, all by herself, with some advice from her good roommate. Then came an Angel. It was the Angel who finally made Nascent talk – as in talk!
Now, Nascent recalls her first birthday in that office – that was so unforgettable for she CRIED! Well, someone made her cry, that is. What a nice birthday present! Feeling depressed Nascent went to UST to breathe some fresher air and cry it all out to one of her close friend.
Two years is quite a short time, but Nascent learned a lot of things from her stay in that office. Perhaps wherever she goes, Nascent would never forget the lessons she learned from her work; she will always remember those people who became important parts of her life, those who’ve made her happy and those who made her sad, and even made her cry.
Nascent Charm may have grown up, but inside lies a heart of a child – always yearning to learn, wanting to trust, willing to love, and to show she cares. And though Nascent Charm may have realized a few things while her Angel was away, she’ll always be the same little girl that you left, full of questions, full of zest, full of life.
Angel will always be her Angel. Nascent still misses her charming Mommy. And Nascent’s story goes…
Now, Nascent recalls her first birthday in that office – that was so unforgettable for she CRIED! Well, someone made her cry, that is. What a nice birthday present! Feeling depressed Nascent went to UST to breathe some fresher air and cry it all out to one of her close friend.
Two years is quite a short time, but Nascent learned a lot of things from her stay in that office. Perhaps wherever she goes, Nascent would never forget the lessons she learned from her work; she will always remember those people who became important parts of her life, those who’ve made her happy and those who made her sad, and even made her cry.
Nascent Charm may have grown up, but inside lies a heart of a child – always yearning to learn, wanting to trust, willing to love, and to show she cares. And though Nascent Charm may have realized a few things while her Angel was away, she’ll always be the same little girl that you left, full of questions, full of zest, full of life.
Angel will always be her Angel. Nascent still misses her charming Mommy. And Nascent’s story goes…
Thursday, July 03, 2003
July 2, 2003
I spent nine hours and one minute in the office today (less an hour for lunch break). Went out earlier than usual to watch a movie, but before that, I enjoyed eating a lot of spaghetti – yumyum! The movie’s just fine, action-filled, with lots of stunts and all. Many of the scenes are obviously exaggerated though. Went out the theater so sleepy but now, tada!!! – I can’t sleep.
Why oh why do life have to go on this way? Wala lang, nainis lang ako sa FX kanina kasi naman hanggang Philcoa lang daw siya eh before ako sumakay I asked the driver if Don Antonio siya, and he said YES, tapos nun nasa Philcoa na kami, he asked me and the guy beside me kung saan kami bababa and the driver said na Philcoa lang siya. Oh, well I can’t help but say, “sabi niyo po Don Antonio kayo eh” but then again, ayaw ko nang makipag-talo pa kaya lumipat na lang ako ng sasakyan. And so ayun, instead of saving myself from walking 274 steps (uh, depending on the distance between your steps of course – but at few minutes before eleven and you’re walking alone, malamang bigger steps yun), and a weird overpass (imagine yourself crossing to the other side of the street through an overpass, only to find yourself going down in the middle of the opposite lane – meaning nasa gitna ka na ng malapad na kalye!). Haay…life! Anyway, I am finally home but I just can’t sleep yet so am here blogging all these thoughts of mine.
A while ago, I was reading my journal (you know, I don’t get everything published in my blog, I still keep lots of the more personal stuff a secret). Reading through my past scripts, I noticed how I’ve changed my views, my feelings and my reactions to certain situations. Some things remain the same though, like what I said, before ayaw ko talaga na makipag-talo (I mean yun serious na confrontations), kasi more often than not, I end up crying even though I know that I am right. Ewan, kasalanan ko ba kung madali akong maiyak (but three years ago, I wrote that I want to cry – parang ang gulo ano?)? Seriously, yun nga often times am such a crybaby, ironically, I not so long ago wanted to go to law school (yeah, law school!). Wala lang, I just love it, in fact I even got higher grades in my law subjects than my supposed to be major subjects. I’ve thought of taking the course ever since high school. But after all, Nascent Charm doesn’t always get what she wants… on the second thought, maybe she can – in time.
Things, people, feelings – they all change. The colors fade, and the morning mist turn dry; flowers do fade and into gray turns the sky. And now the person whom I wrote about a few days ago seems just fine – wala lang, parang walang nangyari – okay, eh di okay na – it’s better. And tomorrow, a dear friend is coming back – I missed her a lot. And sometimes, you wake up in the morning feeling something strange, like you’re so happy but you don’t know why; you suddenly smile with no reason at all; sometimes you just get suddenly stunned; some people who notice might think you’re weird (they finally realized – but they can’t figure out what’s making you such); sometimes, you just wakeup feeling so alive, so human, inspired, in loved, engrossed, renewed and amazed. I hope it will not only be sometimes, but all the time. I just felt so far away before, until I realized it. Sometimes you have to feel all alone in order to reconnect with the ones you love, those who truly love you and care enough to reach out to you. I don’t know, sometimes it’s really hard to understand it all, but who needs understanding and explanation when all it takes is faith? Perhaps I still have to learn a lot of things about this world, I’ll take it one at a time. Along the way there’ll always be obstacles, problems, heartaches, physical, emotional, and even spiritual drought, and during these times, all it takes is not knowledge, intelligence or wisdom – but faith, for in itself, it is the greatest wisdom one can possess. And sometimes Nascent gets really weird in her line of thoughts. All I know is that I feel so alive these days, yeah there are probs and pain, but I still feel the joy of staying alive and living with people whom I love. Siguro nga marami pang time to achieve my “milestones” (you know the “first” ones?!). It’s already Thursday – time to post this blog.
I spent nine hours and one minute in the office today (less an hour for lunch break). Went out earlier than usual to watch a movie, but before that, I enjoyed eating a lot of spaghetti – yumyum! The movie’s just fine, action-filled, with lots of stunts and all. Many of the scenes are obviously exaggerated though. Went out the theater so sleepy but now, tada!!! – I can’t sleep.
Why oh why do life have to go on this way? Wala lang, nainis lang ako sa FX kanina kasi naman hanggang Philcoa lang daw siya eh before ako sumakay I asked the driver if Don Antonio siya, and he said YES, tapos nun nasa Philcoa na kami, he asked me and the guy beside me kung saan kami bababa and the driver said na Philcoa lang siya. Oh, well I can’t help but say, “sabi niyo po Don Antonio kayo eh” but then again, ayaw ko nang makipag-talo pa kaya lumipat na lang ako ng sasakyan. And so ayun, instead of saving myself from walking 274 steps (uh, depending on the distance between your steps of course – but at few minutes before eleven and you’re walking alone, malamang bigger steps yun), and a weird overpass (imagine yourself crossing to the other side of the street through an overpass, only to find yourself going down in the middle of the opposite lane – meaning nasa gitna ka na ng malapad na kalye!). Haay…life! Anyway, I am finally home but I just can’t sleep yet so am here blogging all these thoughts of mine.
A while ago, I was reading my journal (you know, I don’t get everything published in my blog, I still keep lots of the more personal stuff a secret). Reading through my past scripts, I noticed how I’ve changed my views, my feelings and my reactions to certain situations. Some things remain the same though, like what I said, before ayaw ko talaga na makipag-talo (I mean yun serious na confrontations), kasi more often than not, I end up crying even though I know that I am right. Ewan, kasalanan ko ba kung madali akong maiyak (but three years ago, I wrote that I want to cry – parang ang gulo ano?)? Seriously, yun nga often times am such a crybaby, ironically, I not so long ago wanted to go to law school (yeah, law school!). Wala lang, I just love it, in fact I even got higher grades in my law subjects than my supposed to be major subjects. I’ve thought of taking the course ever since high school. But after all, Nascent Charm doesn’t always get what she wants… on the second thought, maybe she can – in time.
Things, people, feelings – they all change. The colors fade, and the morning mist turn dry; flowers do fade and into gray turns the sky. And now the person whom I wrote about a few days ago seems just fine – wala lang, parang walang nangyari – okay, eh di okay na – it’s better. And tomorrow, a dear friend is coming back – I missed her a lot. And sometimes, you wake up in the morning feeling something strange, like you’re so happy but you don’t know why; you suddenly smile with no reason at all; sometimes you just get suddenly stunned; some people who notice might think you’re weird (they finally realized – but they can’t figure out what’s making you such); sometimes, you just wakeup feeling so alive, so human, inspired, in loved, engrossed, renewed and amazed. I hope it will not only be sometimes, but all the time. I just felt so far away before, until I realized it. Sometimes you have to feel all alone in order to reconnect with the ones you love, those who truly love you and care enough to reach out to you. I don’t know, sometimes it’s really hard to understand it all, but who needs understanding and explanation when all it takes is faith? Perhaps I still have to learn a lot of things about this world, I’ll take it one at a time. Along the way there’ll always be obstacles, problems, heartaches, physical, emotional, and even spiritual drought, and during these times, all it takes is not knowledge, intelligence or wisdom – but faith, for in itself, it is the greatest wisdom one can possess. And sometimes Nascent gets really weird in her line of thoughts. All I know is that I feel so alive these days, yeah there are probs and pain, but I still feel the joy of staying alive and living with people whom I love. Siguro nga marami pang time to achieve my “milestones” (you know the “first” ones?!). It’s already Thursday – time to post this blog.
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
June 24, 2003
It’s Manila day, so walang pasok!
Last night was just fine, though the rain poured again while am on my way home, relatively I slept earlier compared to my usual bedtime, only to wake up at around three am with an unread text message in my cell phone — June 23 23:23…was so dazed to grasp what it meant – back to sleep.
I just love holidays…spent some time being lazy – waking up late and staying in my bed for quite some time, doing nothing and staring into oblivion, thinking about nothing at all. Too bad, a ring from my cell phone disturbed my somber rest, followed by a couple of text messages from a certain Sheryl Angeles who insisted on calling me Helen. Poor me, she wouldn’t believe that I am definitely NOT Helen and I DO NOT know her. She told me that I (Helen) gave her MY cell phone number, and that we used to work together at SM! SM??? Do I read it right? Told her that I NEVER worked at SM for I’ve only had two jobs—at the CES Board and I presently work at an office in Malacañan (asking heavens to make her believe me while pressing send key). Huhuhu…imagine, she answered me with something like “akala mo ba si Gloria ka kaya ka anjan? Wag mo na nga ako lokohin, di ba u Helen Qampo” Ano raw yon??? Grabe! Mas makulit siya sa akin! Just answered her with “sorry but I am not her and I don’t think I know you”. Then a few seconds after came that beep, and whaaa…SIYA NA NAMAN! “If u not Helen, den, hu u?” Grrrr… shocks… mas makulit talaga siya sa akin… di ko na kaya… di ko na sinagot pa… grrrr… So I was left home alone, since my younger bros went to school and my parents were also out. Was supposed to do some official work, but thought the weather is too hot to stay in my room and use the PC, so I bored myself switching between channel surfing on the TV and FM band. I finally settled for a re-run of CRoC at ZOE TV 11…it’s better than watching those noontime shows or shake rattle and roll 2 (speaking of ZOE, catch my crush’s show in that station last night—he he he…).
And now, I recall that I no longer have pre-paid credits…nyehehe…bukas na lang ako magpo-post.
It’s Manila day, so walang pasok!
Last night was just fine, though the rain poured again while am on my way home, relatively I slept earlier compared to my usual bedtime, only to wake up at around three am with an unread text message in my cell phone — June 23 23:23…was so dazed to grasp what it meant – back to sleep.
I just love holidays…spent some time being lazy – waking up late and staying in my bed for quite some time, doing nothing and staring into oblivion, thinking about nothing at all. Too bad, a ring from my cell phone disturbed my somber rest, followed by a couple of text messages from a certain Sheryl Angeles who insisted on calling me Helen. Poor me, she wouldn’t believe that I am definitely NOT Helen and I DO NOT know her. She told me that I (Helen) gave her MY cell phone number, and that we used to work together at SM! SM??? Do I read it right? Told her that I NEVER worked at SM for I’ve only had two jobs—at the CES Board and I presently work at an office in Malacañan (asking heavens to make her believe me while pressing send key). Huhuhu…imagine, she answered me with something like “akala mo ba si Gloria ka kaya ka anjan? Wag mo na nga ako lokohin, di ba u Helen Qampo” Ano raw yon??? Grabe! Mas makulit siya sa akin! Just answered her with “sorry but I am not her and I don’t think I know you”. Then a few seconds after came that beep, and whaaa…SIYA NA NAMAN! “If u not Helen, den, hu u?” Grrrr… shocks… mas makulit talaga siya sa akin… di ko na kaya… di ko na sinagot pa… grrrr… So I was left home alone, since my younger bros went to school and my parents were also out. Was supposed to do some official work, but thought the weather is too hot to stay in my room and use the PC, so I bored myself switching between channel surfing on the TV and FM band. I finally settled for a re-run of CRoC at ZOE TV 11…it’s better than watching those noontime shows or shake rattle and roll 2 (speaking of ZOE, catch my crush’s show in that station last night—he he he…).
And now, I recall that I no longer have pre-paid credits…nyehehe…bukas na lang ako magpo-post.
Sunday, June 22, 2003
To forget is not exactly the wholesome way to grow in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what you refuse to remember, just as you cannot heal a wound, which you had to notice.
Just when I thought that everything would be fine, I am now faced with the sad reality that it isn’t over. Sometimes, the very people whom you thought you can depend on or those whom you choose to be with are not exactly what you thought they are. Sometimes, you just have to face the truth that you regret the choices you’ve made in the past. What makes it harder is the fact that you once looked up to that person and gave her/him much respect as you admire her/him. You may have even wished to follow her/his footsteps, only to wake up one day realizing that after all, she/he’s not what you thought she/he is. Perhaps it was a blessing that I didn’t end up where I really wanted to go—a real illustration of a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I don’t know where to put my self, I mean I’ve tried and am trying to do even more than am supposed to but in the end, I end up facing the sad truth that I failed. Perhaps what makes it hard for me to accept is that I really used to like that person much, and even used to exchange text messages with h** during special occasions, and sometimes just kinda sweet nothings. But poor me, that was before. Recent occurrences prove to me that the person’s not worth it anyway, and it affects me so much. What makes it harder for me is that I don’t even know what I’ve done for that person to treat me that way.
Well, guess it’s time to say my line—“I WASN’T BORN TO PLEASE YOU.” And life should go. I Still have tasks to do, roads to take, persons to meet, lessons to learn, dreams to reach, and ambitions to fulfill. And I don’t want to grow up like you, for I don’t want to have another poor soul to feel exactly the way I feel like now someday.
Just when I thought that everything would be fine, I am now faced with the sad reality that it isn’t over. Sometimes, the very people whom you thought you can depend on or those whom you choose to be with are not exactly what you thought they are. Sometimes, you just have to face the truth that you regret the choices you’ve made in the past. What makes it harder is the fact that you once looked up to that person and gave her/him much respect as you admire her/him. You may have even wished to follow her/his footsteps, only to wake up one day realizing that after all, she/he’s not what you thought she/he is. Perhaps it was a blessing that I didn’t end up where I really wanted to go—a real illustration of a blessing in disguise. Sometimes I don’t know where to put my self, I mean I’ve tried and am trying to do even more than am supposed to but in the end, I end up facing the sad truth that I failed. Perhaps what makes it hard for me to accept is that I really used to like that person much, and even used to exchange text messages with h** during special occasions, and sometimes just kinda sweet nothings. But poor me, that was before. Recent occurrences prove to me that the person’s not worth it anyway, and it affects me so much. What makes it harder for me is that I don’t even know what I’ve done for that person to treat me that way.
Well, guess it’s time to say my line—“I WASN’T BORN TO PLEASE YOU.” And life should go. I Still have tasks to do, roads to take, persons to meet, lessons to learn, dreams to reach, and ambitions to fulfill. And I don’t want to grow up like you, for I don’t want to have another poor soul to feel exactly the way I feel like now someday.
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Hmmm...ano kaya ang iniisip ko that time? Kakatawa, that's how I write more than three years ago. I guess D and DR would appreciate this one...right dear friends?
Oh well, am still awake. I just can't sleep kahit I'm sleepy na. It's just that I am still upset and I don't wanna sleep feeling like this. bakit nga kaya may ibang taong ang happiness nila nakukuha at the expense of another person? Siguro nga not all people are sensitive enough to sense that it's not funny anymore. Is it a coincidence that D is also upset? Hey D, hope we'll be fine soon...as always friend, life goes on. Wala lang, surf na lang muna ako and check my e-mails.
Oh well, am still awake. I just can't sleep kahit I'm sleepy na. It's just that I am still upset and I don't wanna sleep feeling like this. bakit nga kaya may ibang taong ang happiness nila nakukuha at the expense of another person? Siguro nga not all people are sensitive enough to sense that it's not funny anymore. Is it a coincidence that D is also upset? Hey D, hope we'll be fine soon...as always friend, life goes on. Wala lang, surf na lang muna ako and check my e-mails.
from the box...
While browsing some old stuff late at night, I got hold of a folder containing some of my college stuffs like letters, songs, class cards, etc. I also saw this piece dated March 3, 2000:
Gaya ng dati, malulungkot na naman ako. Hindi dahil makakalayo na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Alam ko namang magkikita-kita pa kami at magkaka-usap sa telepono. Pero, ayaw ko lang talaga ang Abril at ang Mayo.
Umulan sana para hindi mainit. Kapag umuulan, sumisilip ako sa bintana pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat patak nito na bumabagsak sa sementong bakuran sa tapat ng aking silid.
Iniisip ko, sana tulad ng mumunting patak ng ulan, tumulo rin ang aking luha. Hindi dahil nalulungkot ako at magkakalayo na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Gusto ko lang umiyak, ‘yun may ibang dahilan, na kung ano man ‘yon, hindi ko alam. Kaya nga hindi ako maiyak.
Lumuluha lang naman ako kapag napapagalitan ako ng Mama ko. Madalas naluluha rin ako kapag napupuwing ang mga mata ko. Nung minsan, naluha ako dahil na-semonan ako ng teacher ko sa klase. At ang huli, noong namatay yun alaga kong aso.
Lagi namang umuulan kapag Hunyo. Pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano akong maiiyak. Buti pa yun kaklase ko noong 4th year high school, umiyak siya dahil hindi siya nakasama sa honor roll.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit gusto kong umiyak. Yun iba nga sawang-sawa na sa kaiiyak, ako, hindi pa rin makahanap ng dahilan para lumuha.
Rail-road crossing na, malapit na naman akong bumaba ng FX. Ilang araw ko na lang tatahakin ang mahabang kalye ng España. Akala ko noon, mas mahaba ang pinag-dugtong na Commonwealth Avenue (mula Don Antonio) at Quezon Avenue, kasama ang half circle ng Elliptical Road…mas mahaba pala ang España, mula Mabuhay Rotonda hanggang UST!
Malapit na naman palang matapos ang semester. Ano na naman kaya ang grade ko sa class card? Sana naman matataas ang makuha ko, para sa susunod na semester eh tumaas rin ang baon ko
Oo nga pala, 4th year na ulit ako.Hindi na pala ako hihingi ng baon sa Mama ko sa susunod na semester, dahil nga gra-graduate na ako. Ang bilis naman ng panahon.
Tulad ng isang ibon, muli akong lilipad kapag tumila na ang ulan. Patuloy kong ikakampay ang aking mga pakpak upang maglakbay. Babaunin ko ang bawat aral na aking natutunan sa patuloy kong pagtahak sa landas ng buhay. Hindi ko rin kalilimutan na tawagan ang aking mga kaibigan na nakasama ko sa bawat lungkot at kaligayahan, sa bawat pangarap, sa bawat panaginip, sa bawat araw na natutunan ko kung paanong magbahagi ng parte ng aking buhay.
Natuklasan ko na hindi ko pala gusto ang lasa ng kang-kong. Maghihintay na lang ako na magtinda ng tilapia sa Jollibee—tiyak na matutuwa si Millete! Sana, makakita rin si Sansu ng mas batang matsing. Kailan ko kaya maririnig si Jhoei na kumanta ng “if you leave me now…?” Sana makilala na ni Ate Paz ang kapatid ng pagong para i-style ang hair niya. Si Kat kaya, kailang malalagyan ng letter ang question mark niya?
Sana pag-alis ko, hindi na ako maiyak. Gusto kong umalis ng may ngiting nagmumula sa puso at nasasalamin sa mga mata. Hindi na ako malulungkot. Iisipin ko na lang na balang araw, babalik din ako -- maaaring upang gunitain ang masasayang araw ng nakalipas, o pwede rin namang upang gumawa ng mga bago, mas masaya, at matamis na ala-ala...
Gaya ng dati, malulungkot na naman ako. Hindi dahil makakalayo na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Alam ko namang magkikita-kita pa kami at magkaka-usap sa telepono. Pero, ayaw ko lang talaga ang Abril at ang Mayo.
Umulan sana para hindi mainit. Kapag umuulan, sumisilip ako sa bintana pinagmamasdan ko ang bawat patak nito na bumabagsak sa sementong bakuran sa tapat ng aking silid.
Iniisip ko, sana tulad ng mumunting patak ng ulan, tumulo rin ang aking luha. Hindi dahil nalulungkot ako at magkakalayo na kami ng mga kaibigan ko. Gusto ko lang umiyak, ‘yun may ibang dahilan, na kung ano man ‘yon, hindi ko alam. Kaya nga hindi ako maiyak.
Lumuluha lang naman ako kapag napapagalitan ako ng Mama ko. Madalas naluluha rin ako kapag napupuwing ang mga mata ko. Nung minsan, naluha ako dahil na-semonan ako ng teacher ko sa klase. At ang huli, noong namatay yun alaga kong aso.
Lagi namang umuulan kapag Hunyo. Pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano akong maiiyak. Buti pa yun kaklase ko noong 4th year high school, umiyak siya dahil hindi siya nakasama sa honor roll.
Ewan ko ba kung bakit gusto kong umiyak. Yun iba nga sawang-sawa na sa kaiiyak, ako, hindi pa rin makahanap ng dahilan para lumuha.
Rail-road crossing na, malapit na naman akong bumaba ng FX. Ilang araw ko na lang tatahakin ang mahabang kalye ng España. Akala ko noon, mas mahaba ang pinag-dugtong na Commonwealth Avenue (mula Don Antonio) at Quezon Avenue, kasama ang half circle ng Elliptical Road…mas mahaba pala ang España, mula Mabuhay Rotonda hanggang UST!
Malapit na naman palang matapos ang semester. Ano na naman kaya ang grade ko sa class card? Sana naman matataas ang makuha ko, para sa susunod na semester eh tumaas rin ang baon ko
Oo nga pala, 4th year na ulit ako.Hindi na pala ako hihingi ng baon sa Mama ko sa susunod na semester, dahil nga gra-graduate na ako. Ang bilis naman ng panahon.
Sayang, nag-eenjoy pa naman kami ng mga kaibigan ko sa panonood ng ibon at pagong na nasa UST. Meron din palang electroluxman doon, kaya lang, nitong huling semester lang naming sila napansin.
Eh, hindi na rin namin makikita ng malapitan ang buwan. Wala pa rin kaming naihahandang kandila, baka magbrown-out. Gusto sana ni Millete ng tilapia, kaya lang, wala naman tindang gano’n sa Jollibee Asturias.
Basta ang alam ko, ito ang pinakamasayang semester ko sa UST. Siguro dahil marami kaming napaglilibangan. Ilan nga kaya ang damit ng pagong? Buti pa ang ibon, hindi mo mabilang at may sari-sari pang kulay. Kailan kaya kami aalukin nung electroluxman? Gusto pa naman yata ni Sansu ng vacuum cleaner. Kailangan palang maghanda ng kandila dahil baka matinik si Millete sa pagkain ng tilapia kung sakaling bigla na naman takpan ng quarter moon ang liwanag ng araw.
Ano kaya ang lasa ng kang-kong? Paborito raw ‘yon ng pagong eh. Natutuwa talaga ako sa isang pagong na madalas kong makita sa UST. Eh bagay pala sa pagong ang umupo sa upuuan nun mamang mahilig maghanap ng ID.
Sayang, tapos na halos ang semester, at gra-graduate na kami. Hindi na naming makikita ang pagong at ang ibon. Hindi na rin makakabili ng vacuum cleaner si Sansu, at hindi pa rin siya nakikinig sa amin kapag sinasabi namin na matanda na yun matsing sa UST. Bakit parang napakabilis ng panahon? Tapos na pala ang semester at hindi na kami papasok sa paaralan.
Tuloy, malulungkot na naman ako. Pero hindi dahil makakahiwalay na kami ng mga kaibigan ko, alam ko naman na magkikita pa rin kami o magkaka-usap sa telepono. Hindi rin dahil malapit na ang Abril at ang Mayo.
Inaabangan kong muling pumatak ang ulan.Tulad ng dati, sisilip ako sa aking bintana upang muling pagmasdan ang bawat butyl ng ulang bumabagsak mula sa kalangitan. Siguro, maaari na akong lumuha nang may dahilan. Sa tingin ko, sapat na ang dahilan ko para maiyak.
Ang hirap palang magpaalam kapag hindi mo pa nakakasama yun taong dapat mo nang kalimutan. Yun bang, ayaw mong magkahiwalay kayo dahil hindi pa kayo nagkakasama.Maaari palang nasa harap mo na ang isang tao pero hindi mo pa rin maabot. Bakit nga kaya hindi?
Nawa’y muling bumuhos ang ulan sa lalong madaling panahon. Nawa’y tuluyang umagos ang bawat patak nito patungo sa karagatan. Hindi na ako muling magmamasid sa bawat patak nito sa tapat ng aking bintana. Sasalubungin ko ang bawat patak nito upang pag-takpan ang pag-agos ng luha mula sa aking mga mata. Nawa, kasabay ng ulan ay tuluyang umagos sa malawak na karagatan ang aking luha, kasama ang bawat ala-ala ng katahimikang nagturo sa akin kung paano ang mangarap.
Tulad ng isang ibon, muli akong lilipad kapag tumila na ang ulan. Patuloy kong ikakampay ang aking mga pakpak upang maglakbay. Babaunin ko ang bawat aral na aking natutunan sa patuloy kong pagtahak sa landas ng buhay. Hindi ko rin kalilimutan na tawagan ang aking mga kaibigan na nakasama ko sa bawat lungkot at kaligayahan, sa bawat pangarap, sa bawat panaginip, sa bawat araw na natutunan ko kung paanong magbahagi ng parte ng aking buhay.
Natuklasan ko na hindi ko pala gusto ang lasa ng kang-kong. Maghihintay na lang ako na magtinda ng tilapia sa Jollibee—tiyak na matutuwa si Millete! Sana, makakita rin si Sansu ng mas batang matsing. Kailan ko kaya maririnig si Jhoei na kumanta ng “if you leave me now…?” Sana makilala na ni Ate Paz ang kapatid ng pagong para i-style ang hair niya. Si Kat kaya, kailang malalagyan ng letter ang question mark niya?
Sana pag-alis ko, hindi na ako maiyak. Gusto kong umalis ng may ngiting nagmumula sa puso at nasasalamin sa mga mata. Hindi na ako malulungkot. Iisipin ko na lang na balang araw, babalik din ako -- maaaring upang gunitain ang masasayang araw ng nakalipas, o pwede rin namang upang gumawa ng mga bago, mas masaya, at matamis na ala-ala...
Sometimes life gets so blah...blah...blah...You don't have to drop names...huh, what a nice idea...funny isn't it? yeah, so cruel. As Gary V puts it...you gotta shout for joy...yeah, fine...And just when I wanna post something into this chatterbox, off it goes...this day's a big DUH!
Okay, days ago I was happy...yeah, everyday's a tiring and yet happy day. Heard some news about the great geribear. I dunno, I was just glad to hear the news about him. My friend told me that he's cute and neat (ows?). He he he... shocks, naalala ko na naman tuloy siya! Geribear is among those persons who added color to my not so colorful college life...he he he...D and DR should know! Needless to say, he's my great crush (blush...blush...). He he he...well, I was just a child then (ngyek!). Now, back to today. I just feel so tired and completely *^*%*, add to that that I feel so sleepy and overly (*^*%&$&^. But atleast, I've made someone happy (uh, am not sure if isa lang)...thanks for the stupid joke, master of deception, aka the devil in disguise. Sh*^. I hate this, I completely hate this. Maybe I should get some sleep.
Okay, days ago I was happy...yeah, everyday's a tiring and yet happy day. Heard some news about the great geribear. I dunno, I was just glad to hear the news about him. My friend told me that he's cute and neat (ows?). He he he... shocks, naalala ko na naman tuloy siya! Geribear is among those persons who added color to my not so colorful college life...he he he...D and DR should know! Needless to say, he's my great crush (blush...blush...). He he he...well, I was just a child then (ngyek!). Now, back to today. I just feel so tired and completely *^*%*, add to that that I feel so sleepy and overly (*^*%&$&^. But atleast, I've made someone happy (uh, am not sure if isa lang)...thanks for the stupid joke, master of deception, aka the devil in disguise. Sh*^. I hate this, I completely hate this. Maybe I should get some sleep.
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Sunday, June 15, 2003
random thoughts
I'm still full after eating a hearty dinner! I dunno what’s wrong with my Papa. Perhaps he’s just making pa-cute again. Well, he’s just like that, better nga na ganyan na lang siya than magsungit na naman. Uh, maybe because it’s father’s day—narinig ko na naman ang kanyang tinig habang umaawit ng mga lumang aawitin! (he he he…) Well, he’s got the voice naman eh, hmmm…bakit kaya di ko nakuha?
Anyway, I spent last night at my friend's place in Pasig. Uh well, I didn’t go to the wedding, I sent my youngest brother to accompany my Mama instead. But before I can even leave home to go to my friend’s place, I have to play the role of a yaya for the little boy (uh, not really little for he’s already eleven). So we had a night of bonding at my friend’s place, just talking and eating and watching TV with a bottle of Island Punch. D and I had a good laugh at DR because she practically drunk the punch as if she’s gulping a glass of coca cola, then she said that her head aches. We slept ‘til nine in the morning. We plan to go out one of these days and go bowling hopefully, with K.
Dropped by Mega Mall to buy some stuff on my way home. Also had two rolls of film developed, but I still have one more to bring to the photo lab maybe tomorrow, if my sched permits. I have a busy week ahead, with the board meeting set on Thursday…gotta have some rest.
Anyway, I spent last night at my friend's place in Pasig. Uh well, I didn’t go to the wedding, I sent my youngest brother to accompany my Mama instead. But before I can even leave home to go to my friend’s place, I have to play the role of a yaya for the little boy (uh, not really little for he’s already eleven). So we had a night of bonding at my friend’s place, just talking and eating and watching TV with a bottle of Island Punch. D and I had a good laugh at DR because she practically drunk the punch as if she’s gulping a glass of coca cola, then she said that her head aches. We slept ‘til nine in the morning. We plan to go out one of these days and go bowling hopefully, with K.
Dropped by Mega Mall to buy some stuff on my way home. Also had two rolls of film developed, but I still have one more to bring to the photo lab maybe tomorrow, if my sched permits. I have a busy week ahead, with the board meeting set on Thursday…gotta have some rest.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Memories of M on Friday the 13th [June 13, 2003]
It’s Friday the thirteenth, thirty-five past eleven in the evening and I just can’t sleep. Unluckily, I couldn't connect to the internet because the phone line is not connected to the PC. But am happy now that the PC is already inside my room, I can use it anytime I like even in the wee hours of the night ‘til dawn. Well I think I’ll miss another bonding session with my college friends tomorrow. We’re supposed to spend a day and night together somewhere in Pasig, but I recall that I am supposed to attend a wedding in the afternoon. Poor me, I haven’t told my friend yet about it, but I guess my friend will be mad at me (argh!).
This morning, I woke up with a text message from M, greeting me good morning and take care. Ha ha…what a day! Since it’s a holiday, I spent more time lying in my bed, thinking about my college days with M. Well, he’s a perfect subject for the song “muntik na kitang minahal.” Corny as it may seem, but it’s true. I guess M would laugh if he reads this blog! Was it my fault that I didn’t get what he meant, or was it his fault that he never told me exactly what he meant? I don’t know, maybe it no longer matters now. We never really had the chance to talk seriously, and Jhoei told me that it's quite impossible for that to happen because I always turn him down; she would then recite a rundown of all those times which she said might have caused M to think that I practically hate him: like pretending not to see or hear anything and look annoyed when he makes pa-cute, and the nights when I snubbed him and walked away when he volunteered to escort me home after our late night practice for our play in Literature.
I never really hated M, truth is I find him cute, has a great sense of humor, talented and smart. Smoker nga lang siya, and at times sobrang weird at makulit pero okay lang, cute naman ang dating. One more thing that I liked about M was the way he touch my hair (eh, weakness ko yata yun?!) -- well, it used to be long until one day, I had it cut veeeeery short. (But now am thinking, hindi kaya type lang ni M na I-relax and hair ko o kaya lagyan ng highlights!?—shocks, kainis!). M used to call me his princess (he he he…and he’s my mother, the queen—huhuhu, bading!?), and tell me that he’s getting good grades because am his inspiration (blush...blush...). Several times, he called me at home during the summer break, but we never really talked simply because he can’t say anything (arrrrrgh, make up your mind please, boy ka ba or girl?!), and I can’t stay long in the phone with my Mama knowing that I am talking with a guy (it used to be bawal raw eh—he he he…).
M has left me with lots of memories na hindi ko na lang ilalagay sa blog, long story pa rin kung paano kami naging magka-text ngayon, but his Dad gave me his mobile phone number. Hindi nga lang kami mag-kita kasi he used to work in Davao, then he was assigned to Olonggapo almost two weeks before I went to Davao. I still don’t know if I really like to see him again, simply because I’m afraid na baka mas maganda pa siya sa’kin! (ngyek, ngyek, ngyek…joke!). So much about M, baka sabunutan na niya ako pag nakita niya ang blog ko. Incidentally, it’s Daddy Nubbin’s birthday today so I sent him my greetings through text. He’s nice as he’s always been, he replied with thanks. Uh well, at least I know that he appreciated my greeting, hindi yun wala lang, kaharap mo na nga eh di ka pa papansinin (duh!). Last night, I talked with D over the phone and I found out that the owner of the number that registered in my mobile phone’s missed call list on the 27th last month is no other than *****. I guess that guy is a good subject for a case study. Gotta sleep now, am sleepy already. (yawn…yawn…) | 12:52 a.m.
This morning, I woke up with a text message from M, greeting me good morning and take care. Ha ha…what a day! Since it’s a holiday, I spent more time lying in my bed, thinking about my college days with M. Well, he’s a perfect subject for the song “muntik na kitang minahal.” Corny as it may seem, but it’s true. I guess M would laugh if he reads this blog! Was it my fault that I didn’t get what he meant, or was it his fault that he never told me exactly what he meant? I don’t know, maybe it no longer matters now. We never really had the chance to talk seriously, and Jhoei told me that it's quite impossible for that to happen because I always turn him down; she would then recite a rundown of all those times which she said might have caused M to think that I practically hate him: like pretending not to see or hear anything and look annoyed when he makes pa-cute, and the nights when I snubbed him and walked away when he volunteered to escort me home after our late night practice for our play in Literature.
I never really hated M, truth is I find him cute, has a great sense of humor, talented and smart. Smoker nga lang siya, and at times sobrang weird at makulit pero okay lang, cute naman ang dating. One more thing that I liked about M was the way he touch my hair (eh, weakness ko yata yun?!) -- well, it used to be long until one day, I had it cut veeeeery short. (But now am thinking, hindi kaya type lang ni M na I-relax and hair ko o kaya lagyan ng highlights!?—shocks, kainis!). M used to call me his princess (he he he…and he’s my mother, the queen—huhuhu, bading!?), and tell me that he’s getting good grades because am his inspiration (blush...blush...). Several times, he called me at home during the summer break, but we never really talked simply because he can’t say anything (arrrrrgh, make up your mind please, boy ka ba or girl?!), and I can’t stay long in the phone with my Mama knowing that I am talking with a guy (it used to be bawal raw eh—he he he…).
M has left me with lots of memories na hindi ko na lang ilalagay sa blog, long story pa rin kung paano kami naging magka-text ngayon, but his Dad gave me his mobile phone number. Hindi nga lang kami mag-kita kasi he used to work in Davao, then he was assigned to Olonggapo almost two weeks before I went to Davao. I still don’t know if I really like to see him again, simply because I’m afraid na baka mas maganda pa siya sa’kin! (ngyek, ngyek, ngyek…joke!). So much about M, baka sabunutan na niya ako pag nakita niya ang blog ko. Incidentally, it’s Daddy Nubbin’s birthday today so I sent him my greetings through text. He’s nice as he’s always been, he replied with thanks. Uh well, at least I know that he appreciated my greeting, hindi yun wala lang, kaharap mo na nga eh di ka pa papansinin (duh!). Last night, I talked with D over the phone and I found out that the owner of the number that registered in my mobile phone’s missed call list on the 27th last month is no other than *****. I guess that guy is a good subject for a case study. Gotta sleep now, am sleepy already. (yawn…yawn…) | 12:52 a.m.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003
" Maybe this is part of that lifelong cycle called growing up, well, I don’t wanna just grow old, I know I have to grow up too..."
It’s June—besides the brides, with June comes the rain, signifying that summer is really over. That summer was real fun. I’d say I’ve coped with my new post quite fairly and I enjoyed the outings despite some hassles.
My weekend get together with my college friends was real fun, we kinda have to catch up with each one’s adventures and misfortunes, hang around starbucks while trying to figure out how my friend’s mobile phone got lost inside the mall. I miss that overnight at my friend’s house though. Well, we planned to have an outing but unfortunately, it didn’t push through. I also missed the fiesta at my grandma’s place last May 15. I also missed (for the nth time) that KKB camp in Bulacan, wherein Kuya Bong always invites me to join.
Also went to Zambales with some colleagues from the office. 'Twas a long trip considering the fact that we’re caught in traffic and there were 15 (including the driver of the hired van) of us inside the van. Anyway, save for some misadventure, that outing is worth remembering. Besides the fact that I had fun with my colleagues, I also had fun exchanging text messages with a dear cousin and a friend who happen to stay not so far away from where we went. I’d like to meet my friend sana, but on the second thought, I said no na lang (hmmm…sayang! He he he).
Our office’s PES workshop was also nice. While on our way, I was exchanging text messages with Kuya Jimmy, a high school pal, for it was Ate Grace’s birthday. I called Ate Grace to greet her and explained that am on my way for an out of town workshop. Well, sayang kasi I missed her party eh most of our HS friends came. Anyway, twas a loooooong trip all the way to the north, but it’s really worth the trip. Had another two nights of bonding with some friends (he he he…), shooting pix, swimming and dining. We also went to some tourist destinations up north, and took pictures upon pictures. The place where we stayed was real cozy—a nice place to be romantic, oh, well I think I fell in love…with the place…thought about going there with ***** (he he he). Also had fun sa pang-iinis sa roommate ko na si Auie. She always claim that I am sending her my thoughts because I almost always tend to sing the songs that she also has in mind—coincidence? I dunno, I don’t really understand, the songs just came to my mind; the first one goes like “…ngunit bakit sa tuwing ako’y lumalapit, ika’y lumalayo? Puso’y lagging nasasaktan pag may kasama kang iba…” Aahh, whatever! I also received some text messages from D—uh well, the poor soul had some problems, but being not just a phone call away from each other we had some long exchanges of text messages, well magiging okay rin yun—as always (he he he). I also received a call from an e-groupmate sa BBP. At first, I didn’t know it; he just said that he’s from ERC and invited me to go there for a job interview (twas not so long ago when my BBP papers were sent there by CSC, and I was interviewed by one of their Commissioners). I was completely torn that moment, I mean, I just got my appointment last February and now ERC is calling me again. Later on as we talked, I noticed that he’s quite friendly (unlike most of the HR people whom I have talked with regarding job applications), until he said that he’s a member of the BBP e-group. So that was it, we talked for quite sometime and I learned that he’s also new in ERC, and that he used to work at DSWD. Well, I told him that I still have to think about considering it because I just got appointed last February.
Also had some other walks, like the Davao trip for my UNICEF project. Well, 'twas my first airplane ride, and I really liked that trip and the place, uh well save for some misadventures again (ayaw ko nang sabihin ulit!). Our RBA training in Tagaytay was also nice, with that midnight session at the poolside (he he he). Auie also brought me to Roxas Blvd and we walked all the way to CCP and stayed for sometime at the breakwater. If not for the fact that it was getting late, I would have stayed there longer for I was feeling dreadfully lonely that day. 'Twas on the 15th last month, and I came home alone really late.
The past season left me with lots of memories, which I prefer to stay unpublished. I’ll admit that some of those memories made me sad, some even made me cry, but all are worth treasuring. It’s not everyday that you’ll meet people who will fill in some special place in your life, or perhaps your heart. Although sometimes those same people are the ones who make you sad, okay lang. Am still glad I’ve found them, some even became my friends, and the others, uh well, they’re part of an unforgotten past. I guess everything depends on how you view things. Often, you just have to look at it from another perspective. I know that I’ve made lots of wrong decisions and perhaps along the way may have hurt or annoyed other people, but it’s already done, I mean, I cannot do anything to change those things now. Maybe this is part of that lifelong cycle called growing up, well, I don’t wanna just grow old, I know I have to grow up too. What’s really nice is that I’ve learned a lot from all those experiences. Am also glad that I have dear friends whom I was able to share my confusions (millions of thanks to D, Mikee and my journal!). Mikee is really my darling Angel, and D is my partner in crime (no worry, we never do any crime involving moral turpitude…he he he…those legal jargons). By the way, I already have a new journal, which means, uh, D should know what it means. Gotta sleep now.
My weekend get together with my college friends was real fun, we kinda have to catch up with each one’s adventures and misfortunes, hang around starbucks while trying to figure out how my friend’s mobile phone got lost inside the mall. I miss that overnight at my friend’s house though. Well, we planned to have an outing but unfortunately, it didn’t push through. I also missed the fiesta at my grandma’s place last May 15. I also missed (for the nth time) that KKB camp in Bulacan, wherein Kuya Bong always invites me to join.
Also went to Zambales with some colleagues from the office. 'Twas a long trip considering the fact that we’re caught in traffic and there were 15 (including the driver of the hired van) of us inside the van. Anyway, save for some misadventure, that outing is worth remembering. Besides the fact that I had fun with my colleagues, I also had fun exchanging text messages with a dear cousin and a friend who happen to stay not so far away from where we went. I’d like to meet my friend sana, but on the second thought, I said no na lang (hmmm…sayang! He he he).
Our office’s PES workshop was also nice. While on our way, I was exchanging text messages with Kuya Jimmy, a high school pal, for it was Ate Grace’s birthday. I called Ate Grace to greet her and explained that am on my way for an out of town workshop. Well, sayang kasi I missed her party eh most of our HS friends came. Anyway, twas a loooooong trip all the way to the north, but it’s really worth the trip. Had another two nights of bonding with some friends (he he he…), shooting pix, swimming and dining. We also went to some tourist destinations up north, and took pictures upon pictures. The place where we stayed was real cozy—a nice place to be romantic, oh, well I think I fell in love…with the place…thought about going there with ***** (he he he). Also had fun sa pang-iinis sa roommate ko na si Auie. She always claim that I am sending her my thoughts because I almost always tend to sing the songs that she also has in mind—coincidence? I dunno, I don’t really understand, the songs just came to my mind; the first one goes like “…ngunit bakit sa tuwing ako’y lumalapit, ika’y lumalayo? Puso’y lagging nasasaktan pag may kasama kang iba…” Aahh, whatever! I also received some text messages from D—uh well, the poor soul had some problems, but being not just a phone call away from each other we had some long exchanges of text messages, well magiging okay rin yun—as always (he he he). I also received a call from an e-groupmate sa BBP. At first, I didn’t know it; he just said that he’s from ERC and invited me to go there for a job interview (twas not so long ago when my BBP papers were sent there by CSC, and I was interviewed by one of their Commissioners). I was completely torn that moment, I mean, I just got my appointment last February and now ERC is calling me again. Later on as we talked, I noticed that he’s quite friendly (unlike most of the HR people whom I have talked with regarding job applications), until he said that he’s a member of the BBP e-group. So that was it, we talked for quite sometime and I learned that he’s also new in ERC, and that he used to work at DSWD. Well, I told him that I still have to think about considering it because I just got appointed last February.
Also had some other walks, like the Davao trip for my UNICEF project. Well, 'twas my first airplane ride, and I really liked that trip and the place, uh well save for some misadventures again (ayaw ko nang sabihin ulit!). Our RBA training in Tagaytay was also nice, with that midnight session at the poolside (he he he). Auie also brought me to Roxas Blvd and we walked all the way to CCP and stayed for sometime at the breakwater. If not for the fact that it was getting late, I would have stayed there longer for I was feeling dreadfully lonely that day. 'Twas on the 15th last month, and I came home alone really late.
The past season left me with lots of memories, which I prefer to stay unpublished. I’ll admit that some of those memories made me sad, some even made me cry, but all are worth treasuring. It’s not everyday that you’ll meet people who will fill in some special place in your life, or perhaps your heart. Although sometimes those same people are the ones who make you sad, okay lang. Am still glad I’ve found them, some even became my friends, and the others, uh well, they’re part of an unforgotten past. I guess everything depends on how you view things. Often, you just have to look at it from another perspective. I know that I’ve made lots of wrong decisions and perhaps along the way may have hurt or annoyed other people, but it’s already done, I mean, I cannot do anything to change those things now. Maybe this is part of that lifelong cycle called growing up, well, I don’t wanna just grow old, I know I have to grow up too. What’s really nice is that I’ve learned a lot from all those experiences. Am also glad that I have dear friends whom I was able to share my confusions (millions of thanks to D, Mikee and my journal!). Mikee is really my darling Angel, and D is my partner in crime (no worry, we never do any crime involving moral turpitude…he he he…those legal jargons). By the way, I already have a new journal, which means, uh, D should know what it means. Gotta sleep now.
Monday, March 31, 2003
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
soul speak
It’s a special holiday, in commemoration of the first EDSA revolution. Haven’t read the papers nor watched the TV, but I could just imagine how they do it there…well, perhaps with a mass at the EDSA shrine, people gathering under the massive blocks of concrete bridges aka the flyovers, and the MRT along Ortigas Avenue corner EDSA. They refer to it as people’s power, we’ve been proud of it -- it made the Philippines world-renowned for it was a bloodless revolution.
I was only six years old when that happened, less than two months before I completed my Kindergarten. All I know was that there were no classes, and as I’ve heard from grown-ups and the radio, and seen on TV, there were lots and lots of people who gathered there. There were soldiers, I know for lots of my neighbors are soldiers and employees of Camp Aguinaldo. Perhaps that’s why they called it people’s power.
And then, fourteen years after, came what is now dubbed as EDSA Dos. That time, I’m already aware of what’s going on. I have even become an avid watcher of the impeachment trial. I didn’t went to EDSA though. Then came EDSA Tres…I’ve seen it in TV. I’ve seen how ill-tempered people marched towards Malacañang Palace to oust the newly-sworn President. I’ve seen how some of them ruined lots of properties and burned media vehicles. I’ve seen how some media people were hit by flying stones (which made me thank God that I didn’t pursue on taking Journalism as my undergrad). I’ve seen how groups of people were transported to the site in trucks like they were refugees (even wondered if they know where they were going and what is the purpose of going there). I’ve seen how divided the nation has become.
It made me sad, I cried at night. Perhaps I am one of those poor souls who happened to be much affected by what is happening in this country. I do believe that what happened in those three EDSA revolutions are manifestations of how God works in ways we can never comprehend without faith. It doesn't matter whether we call it EDSA ng Masa or EDSA ng Elitista or EDSA ni Maria, for these terms are all meaningless. People’s Power is actually God’s Power, and we ought to give Him back all the glory due to Him alone and not to the Masa nor the Elitista.
I hate divisiveness. I hate illogical thinking. Am I too idealistic? Am I too sensitive? Or am I insensitive? All I know is that I love my country, and I believe that God has planned something great for this little land. Now before I go deeper, have to cut this now.
Tomorrow will be another busy day. I’ve lined up my targets and marked my deadlines.
First destination: the National Bureau of Investigation, to apply for a clearance (uhmm...what if I have a pending criminal case??? Shocks! Wala naman siguro akong kapangalan?!) and have a drug test (well, uh, pretty sure I’ll pass this, unless they consider coca cola as a prohibited substance…nyehehe!).
Letters, letters, letters…one for Cheche Lazaro, one for Winnie Monsod... Research, speech/talking points, some follow-ups, etc, etc…
Then, I’ll be the documentor for a consultation on Thursday and Friday. Am quite nervous but at the same time excited for this will be my first time to do this for a big gathering, and the fact that this is also the first time that I’ll work with these people in that setting.
Thanks to CJ my hero, for boosting my morale! Sabi nga eh, there’s no water so troubled that doesn’t end up by becoming still. Everyday has always been a challenge, and I have lived that way ever since. There have been lots of struggles but I’ve managed to survive all those things. I am not proud though, I know I still need lots of polishing, I still have a lot of things to refine within me. Perhaps there are people who are against me for one thing or another, or for none at all (parang, wala lang, ayaw lang nila sa akin), but what can I do? At the early age of five years old, I’ve realized that I just cannot please everyone; and I’ve never dared try to do that again--not for fear of failing, but with due respect for each one’s right to his/her choice and opinion. Yep, it hurts to be rejected, to be wrongly accused or judged, it is uneasy to be put to test, to be scrutinized, but with an open mind, a willing hand, a forgiving soul, and a humble heart that adores God, everything works together for good. Surely I can do all things for in Him Who is the source of my strength, I have strength for everything.
I was only six years old when that happened, less than two months before I completed my Kindergarten. All I know was that there were no classes, and as I’ve heard from grown-ups and the radio, and seen on TV, there were lots and lots of people who gathered there. There were soldiers, I know for lots of my neighbors are soldiers and employees of Camp Aguinaldo. Perhaps that’s why they called it people’s power.
And then, fourteen years after, came what is now dubbed as EDSA Dos. That time, I’m already aware of what’s going on. I have even become an avid watcher of the impeachment trial. I didn’t went to EDSA though. Then came EDSA Tres…I’ve seen it in TV. I’ve seen how ill-tempered people marched towards Malacañang Palace to oust the newly-sworn President. I’ve seen how some of them ruined lots of properties and burned media vehicles. I’ve seen how some media people were hit by flying stones (which made me thank God that I didn’t pursue on taking Journalism as my undergrad). I’ve seen how groups of people were transported to the site in trucks like they were refugees (even wondered if they know where they were going and what is the purpose of going there). I’ve seen how divided the nation has become.
It made me sad, I cried at night. Perhaps I am one of those poor souls who happened to be much affected by what is happening in this country. I do believe that what happened in those three EDSA revolutions are manifestations of how God works in ways we can never comprehend without faith. It doesn't matter whether we call it EDSA ng Masa or EDSA ng Elitista or EDSA ni Maria, for these terms are all meaningless. People’s Power is actually God’s Power, and we ought to give Him back all the glory due to Him alone and not to the Masa nor the Elitista.
I hate divisiveness. I hate illogical thinking. Am I too idealistic? Am I too sensitive? Or am I insensitive? All I know is that I love my country, and I believe that God has planned something great for this little land. Now before I go deeper, have to cut this now.
Tomorrow will be another busy day. I’ve lined up my targets and marked my deadlines.
First destination: the National Bureau of Investigation, to apply for a clearance (uhmm...what if I have a pending criminal case??? Shocks! Wala naman siguro akong kapangalan?!) and have a drug test (well, uh, pretty sure I’ll pass this, unless they consider coca cola as a prohibited substance…nyehehe!).
Letters, letters, letters…one for Cheche Lazaro, one for Winnie Monsod... Research, speech/talking points, some follow-ups, etc, etc…
Then, I’ll be the documentor for a consultation on Thursday and Friday. Am quite nervous but at the same time excited for this will be my first time to do this for a big gathering, and the fact that this is also the first time that I’ll work with these people in that setting.
Thanks to CJ my hero, for boosting my morale! Sabi nga eh, there’s no water so troubled that doesn’t end up by becoming still. Everyday has always been a challenge, and I have lived that way ever since. There have been lots of struggles but I’ve managed to survive all those things. I am not proud though, I know I still need lots of polishing, I still have a lot of things to refine within me. Perhaps there are people who are against me for one thing or another, or for none at all (parang, wala lang, ayaw lang nila sa akin), but what can I do? At the early age of five years old, I’ve realized that I just cannot please everyone; and I’ve never dared try to do that again--not for fear of failing, but with due respect for each one’s right to his/her choice and opinion. Yep, it hurts to be rejected, to be wrongly accused or judged, it is uneasy to be put to test, to be scrutinized, but with an open mind, a willing hand, a forgiving soul, and a humble heart that adores God, everything works together for good. Surely I can do all things for in Him Who is the source of my strength, I have strength for everything.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
Changes
“Perhaps, after all, romance did not come into one’s life with pomp and blare, like a gay knight riding down; perhaps, it crept to one’s side like an old friend though quiet ways; perhaps it revealed itself in seeming prose, until some sudden shaft of illumination flung athwart its pages betrayed the rhythm and the music; perhaps…perhaps…love unfolded naturally out of a beautiful friendship, as a golden-hearted rose slipping from its green sheath.”After juggling through projects upon projects, hanging out and working with friends, dealing with those old folks, meeting new acquaintances, reconnecting with old friends, going through the valentine madness, getting the final verdict, trudging along the paths I used to walk through and noticing how a lot of things have changed, I am still looking forward to changes.
CJ has always been supportive, if not for those assuring and inspiring messages, I could have gone insane. Perhaps I have really been busy with things in this world, perhaps I should talk to CJ more often.
I’ve been surrounded by lots of negative waves the past weeks, need to guard my self. I know I’ve been so moody the past weeks that I easily get cranky. I just hate it when AJ tease me about that person, I really don’t like it. I respect and regard that person as a nice colleague and I don’t want that to be tinted with blots of malicious thinking. Sorry to name names here but I just want to carve my point. The thing is a lot of realizations are floating inside my mind. Maybe I’ve reached the point when I got tired of just accepting the differences between me and my colleagues, and try to ask why we can’t seem to work it out so that the differences are neutralized. NO, I do not mean barging into each one’s individuality, what I mean is that why can’t we learn to adjust, to just bend our own ego a little to give way to other’s sensitivity? I just get frustrated by the fact that things are falling apart…is this a downside effect of the coming war? I wonder. Or should we just say that mahilig lang talaga akong mag-isip. Parang kung anu-ano ang pinu-problema ko. Also realized that I’ve been so makulit lately.
Good thing that finally, I went out with my college friends yesterday…just walked around UST, finally got hold of the Thomasian 2000, met Rachael at Colayco Park, had lunch at Wendy’s, bum around the pergola in front of St. Raymund’s Building hoping that Milette can gat a glimpse of big bird, eating fishballs at the Coop, strolling at SM Manila and finally, going home so sleepy that I napped in the FX!
On the lighter side, been having fun thinking about Maples lately. How I wish to touch those cute cheeks…red and smooth…if only I could… ayaw ko na!!! Di ko na kaya ang kalokohang ito! hahaha...
Milette said Maples looks like Muymoy…I said, “waaaag…mong laiitin yun…” Now I wonder what will my Mama Luwi say about Maples, and also the other Big Bs. I also wonder what Sansu and Kat will say, the way they criticize my ever crushie, Geribear -- I can imagine my self having to close my eyes and accept that all those bashings are true -- BUT WHAT THE HECK? I like him, and if they could only realize that no amount of bashing can make me change my mind or even consider changing my mind about liking him perhaps they would stop adding salt and lemon to my wounded ego. Have a problem though, I do not know if Maples is already taken, if yes, then, uh oh…he’ll just be another page in my ex-crushes’ diary, but if not yet, uh…will he like me too? Perhaps he finds me so childish for him. What if he finds me flirt or domineering because of my having to joke about liking him? I just couldn’t accept being branded as such for I am not. It’s just that…okay, if only I could explain that it’s just the farthest that I can go, that the mere thought of being involved with a guy makes me shiver with mixed excitement and fear. Excitement for having to step through another way, that is having commitment with the guy whom I like, and I emphasize commitment WITH, meaning it’s two-way, and when I say commitment, I seriously mean it. But I am also afraid of a lot of things. Afraid that after years of guarding my heart from the harsh consequences of love and relationship, I would end up crying like all those friends of mine whom I thank a lot for telling me their sad love stories, which turned me into a philophobic girl. Okay, fine, I admit, doesn’t always end like that BUT, what if…I don’t really know what to do, perhaps when the right time comes, I’ll be ready for all those things, but duh! It seems like the waiting tortures me more than enough. Mikee says I should be happy about it, that I am one of those lucky creatures who happened to have not experienced tremendous pain from falling in love, no make it falling in like in my case. She also stressed the importance of waiting for the right one…well, I have to admit that I believe in that thing BUT then again, how will I know? Maybe, all these thoughts will just pass, like the all the others, well in time, maybe I just find it nice to have Maples to think about when I get frustrated with my work, rather than remembering my guilt trips early this year. If there’s one good thing that liking Maples has brought to me, it’s finding my self laughing and smiling despite all the headaches that I am going through, BUT then again, I don’t want to see my self falling head first unto Maples for I know he’ll not catch me…and so the cycle goes…
Kaya siguro laging sinasabi ni CJ na matigas ang ulo ko. Sorry CJ, tiyak na magre-react ka na naman eh. And I thank you for your patience in watching me and helping me grow on my own. Matulog muna kaya ako? Siguro, paggising ko iba na naman ang mood ko…Makita ko kaya si Maples bukas ng umaga? Hmmm...on the second thought, si Geribear pa rin ang gusto ko!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)