“Do not let doubts kill the magic of love. Do not lose that person who has the magic to make you fall in love.”
(another message, from my friend)
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Friday, September 03, 2004
Saturday, August 28, 2004
I think I’m starving…I can’t eat well. No, it’s not that I’m “in love” or something; I just came from my dentist this morning to have the regular adjustment in my braces. When I went back home, I am ready to eat a hearty lunch, prepared my food got a spoon and fork, and ouch! I can’t even bite what I’m eating; I was forced to skip lunch. :( It’s a good thing my Mama prepared some soft food for dinner, I was able to eat but it seems that it’s getting longer before my stomach can digest the food since I practically was not able to chew it at all.
Nothing much significant happened today…ooopsss, wait meron naman pala. I got another hair cut. Wala lang, sawa na ko sa hair na layered kaya pina-pantay ko na. A friend also came back from an out of town trip.
D is unusually quiet; hmmm…she sent not even a single text message as of this minute. I guess the girls are all minding their own businesses. Still no word from Kermit :( I really miss the frog.
Nothing much significant happened today…ooopsss, wait meron naman pala. I got another hair cut. Wala lang, sawa na ko sa hair na layered kaya pina-pantay ko na. A friend also came back from an out of town trip.
D is unusually quiet; hmmm…she sent not even a single text message as of this minute. I guess the girls are all minding their own businesses. Still no word from Kermit :( I really miss the frog.
AFTER A WHILE...
You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong...
And you really do have worth...
AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"…
You want to hold a hand, not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child, will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.
You want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.
Then you'll see that there is such a thing as love...
And that you were made to live in someone else's garden...
And you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.
AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul, not only because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned, you feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world head on with or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.
You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child.
And you begin to build all your roads on today for tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans.
You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong...
And you really do have worth...
AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"…
You want to hold a hand, not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone's lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but like a child, will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.
You want someone's sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden.
And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live.
Then you'll see that there is such a thing as love...
And that you were made to live in someone else's garden...
And you'll know that there is more to life than yourself.
AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions doesn't mean you're always right
You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul, not only because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning of lessons learned, you feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you'd be
So, armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world head on with or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor
With more heartbreaks you will cry
But after every heartache, you will rise
Life is a garden ... it takes long to make it beautiful.
But it's always worth the wait.
Friday, August 27, 2004
The rain is still pouring by the buckets; the strong wind still finds it’s own way through my window, into the blinds that create a sound that resembles the rustling of bamboo leaves. If not for the fact that most of the city is covered with flood and a whole province somewhere in Northern Luzon is about to be put in a state of calamity, I would have loved this setting.
Cookie finally made her presence felt. Maybe she’s just so busy, and like most of us, still doing official work though technically and officially, we’re all free from doing it. For me, that is the essence of service. Of course I can not speak for everyone, I am only writing my own view, my own belief, my own conviction, and if anyone dare to challenge me, I have my e-mail above!
The month is almost over. A few more weeks and I’ll be twenty-five. Yes, I’m looking forward to it. Last year’s birthday was not much as I wished it would be, having no choice but to stay at my sis’ place because of events that happened. For now, I guess anything that goes, just goes. I may even decide to take some hibernating period either somewhere away from everyone I know or locked up inside my room—whatever!
I forgot to mention Kermit in my last blog, but the frog never left my mind. I’ve thought about what Cookie told me the last time we talked, and I guess she’s right. I also talked with D about Kermit, and how things went, and how I feel. Being a friend to Kermit made me realize that I was really hurt the moment that he told me that he loved someone else. I realized that somehow, I fell in love with him. Don’t ask for reasons, I don’t have any; all I know is that I love Kermit. Now, I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I always miss Kermit, pero hindi siguro siya naniniwala.
Cookie finally made her presence felt. Maybe she’s just so busy, and like most of us, still doing official work though technically and officially, we’re all free from doing it. For me, that is the essence of service. Of course I can not speak for everyone, I am only writing my own view, my own belief, my own conviction, and if anyone dare to challenge me, I have my e-mail above!
The month is almost over. A few more weeks and I’ll be twenty-five. Yes, I’m looking forward to it. Last year’s birthday was not much as I wished it would be, having no choice but to stay at my sis’ place because of events that happened. For now, I guess anything that goes, just goes. I may even decide to take some hibernating period either somewhere away from everyone I know or locked up inside my room—whatever!
I forgot to mention Kermit in my last blog, but the frog never left my mind. I’ve thought about what Cookie told me the last time we talked, and I guess she’s right. I also talked with D about Kermit, and how things went, and how I feel. Being a friend to Kermit made me realize that I was really hurt the moment that he told me that he loved someone else. I realized that somehow, I fell in love with him. Don’t ask for reasons, I don’t have any; all I know is that I love Kermit. Now, I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I always miss Kermit, pero hindi siguro siya naniniwala.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Surprises…surprises…news are breaking into my ears and unfolding before my eyes. Admittedly, I love surprises, but I prefer ones that amaze me in a way that makes me ecstatic, not the ones that make dazed and feel taken aback.
So, just when someone decided to take an indefinite hibernating period, someone else suddenly showed up as if saying, “hey girl, I’m still alive!” Some things remain the same though; I’m still waiting for that big surprise!
At times I begin to think that I’m a quixotic dreamer. Who isn’t? Other times, it seems that life is just so pathetic the way it goes that I thought of packing things up and leaving everything behind. I don’t have much to leave behind anyway…see—it’s just so pathetic!
Sometimes, I don’t want to go to familiar places. Not that those places are bad or something, it just brings back memories that I wish to forget. Same thing goes for people.
Oftentimes, I feel that it’s inevitable to cry. Save for my periodic ramblings of thought either thru the keyboard or pen, letting out some tears is my only ultimate way of releasing all worries and pain. Of course friends are there, but I usually find it easier to write down everything that runs in my mind or just mutter it in between sobs. Learning to accept some realities in life is often hard and sometimes it even hurts; but that’s how life goes. That’s the only explanation I can give for now. I don’t really understand.
So, just when someone decided to take an indefinite hibernating period, someone else suddenly showed up as if saying, “hey girl, I’m still alive!” Some things remain the same though; I’m still waiting for that big surprise!
At times I begin to think that I’m a quixotic dreamer. Who isn’t? Other times, it seems that life is just so pathetic the way it goes that I thought of packing things up and leaving everything behind. I don’t have much to leave behind anyway…see—it’s just so pathetic!
Sometimes, I don’t want to go to familiar places. Not that those places are bad or something, it just brings back memories that I wish to forget. Same thing goes for people.
Oftentimes, I feel that it’s inevitable to cry. Save for my periodic ramblings of thought either thru the keyboard or pen, letting out some tears is my only ultimate way of releasing all worries and pain. Of course friends are there, but I usually find it easier to write down everything that runs in my mind or just mutter it in between sobs. Learning to accept some realities in life is often hard and sometimes it even hurts; but that’s how life goes. That’s the only explanation I can give for now. I don’t really understand.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
Malakas ang hangin, malamig, masarap sana matulog, pero hindi…hindi ako makatulog. I’m afraid of this (not the typhoon of course). After those long months, and after all the things that happened here am I still feeling more confused.
I am not certain that I like Kermit, I cannot say that I thoroughly know him, I cannot honestly say that I am ready for a relationship much more that there’s going to be anything like that between us. Might ask me what makes me stay on it despite all the confusions that he brought into my life. That’s exactly the point. Kermit came into my life like an intruder in the dawn—the dawn when I am half awake and half asleep, when the deep recesses of my subconscious is trying to figure out whether to wake up or sleep some more. As if in a deep trance, I left the comfort of my bed and followed, not truly sure of where we’re going. I was hesitant yet excited—this would be the first. I am not used to that, I don’t even know what to do or what to say. I am totally confused. I did some things that I wish I never did; I don’t know how to patch things up. And then there’s that day that I wished I were among the dead. I was hurt, I knew it but I don’t know which part of me…was it my ego or my heart? I don’t know; I’d like to know. I’ve thought about everything for quite a long time almost always wanting to cry and ask God, “of all the people, why me?” Obviously, this is not the way I want my first exploration to be. Maybe I was really wrong after all. I am only certain of three things—I never wanted to assume that he’s into it; I tried not to feel this way; now, I am confused. I always want to see Kermit but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way, why would he in the first place? He told me he loves someone else (as in, huh?!). But why bother to disturb me in my sober rest? I cried a lot of times. I guess he never did and will never know and never realize how he hurt me in such a way that I blamed my self for every tear that fell from my eyes because I let him to come into my life and allowed my self to feel this way.
But after all those things, why befriend him? Why even bother to contact him and even worst, meet him and go out with him? I will never find solitude in the midst of confusions. I will never be able to move on and go back to my old life happily without letting go of past hurts. I want to be certain of what I really feel. I will never be able to know if I shut him out of my life. For now, I need him. I need to come closer to him, just to know what I really feel.
For now we’re friends and if only talking about friendship, sincere naman ako. Who would know, one day I might realize na mas mabuti pala na friends kami. I just want to let go of all the confusions in my mind. Gradually, I’m learning to feel at ease with him, beginning to look at him as a buddy, sometimes as a Kuya and ask advice, and just like my girl pals whom I share sorts of stories and ideas. I am still not sure where everything is going, but I know I am no longer sailing this in a trance. If he’s not the one, then I’d be more than happy to have found in him a good friend. I just want to steer clear the haze of confusion in my mind. Gusto ko lang makatulog sa gabi greeting him gud nyt and I myself having one rather than taking a deep breath and saying to the wind “kung alam mo lang kung gaano kasakit yun…” as if the wind will blow it into his ears.
Ngayon, mas okay na. I am not saying that I’ve realized na di ko pala siya like. Maybe I did after all, but for what reason I don’t know. As the legendary Geribear said, “not all things can be rationalized.” What I’m saying is that I feel better now that I am learning to be his friend. If everything that happened before brought into me something good, it would be that I was able to add up a little more to my level of maturity. I guess after all, tama si Season when he told Cookie na not because a guy asked a girl out, he’s already professing love. For now, Kermit is a nice frog friend rather than a frog prince.
I am not certain that I like Kermit, I cannot say that I thoroughly know him, I cannot honestly say that I am ready for a relationship much more that there’s going to be anything like that between us. Might ask me what makes me stay on it despite all the confusions that he brought into my life. That’s exactly the point. Kermit came into my life like an intruder in the dawn—the dawn when I am half awake and half asleep, when the deep recesses of my subconscious is trying to figure out whether to wake up or sleep some more. As if in a deep trance, I left the comfort of my bed and followed, not truly sure of where we’re going. I was hesitant yet excited—this would be the first. I am not used to that, I don’t even know what to do or what to say. I am totally confused. I did some things that I wish I never did; I don’t know how to patch things up. And then there’s that day that I wished I were among the dead. I was hurt, I knew it but I don’t know which part of me…was it my ego or my heart? I don’t know; I’d like to know. I’ve thought about everything for quite a long time almost always wanting to cry and ask God, “of all the people, why me?” Obviously, this is not the way I want my first exploration to be. Maybe I was really wrong after all. I am only certain of three things—I never wanted to assume that he’s into it; I tried not to feel this way; now, I am confused. I always want to see Kermit but I’m afraid he doesn’t feel the same way, why would he in the first place? He told me he loves someone else (as in, huh?!). But why bother to disturb me in my sober rest? I cried a lot of times. I guess he never did and will never know and never realize how he hurt me in such a way that I blamed my self for every tear that fell from my eyes because I let him to come into my life and allowed my self to feel this way.
But after all those things, why befriend him? Why even bother to contact him and even worst, meet him and go out with him? I will never find solitude in the midst of confusions. I will never be able to move on and go back to my old life happily without letting go of past hurts. I want to be certain of what I really feel. I will never be able to know if I shut him out of my life. For now, I need him. I need to come closer to him, just to know what I really feel.
For now we’re friends and if only talking about friendship, sincere naman ako. Who would know, one day I might realize na mas mabuti pala na friends kami. I just want to let go of all the confusions in my mind. Gradually, I’m learning to feel at ease with him, beginning to look at him as a buddy, sometimes as a Kuya and ask advice, and just like my girl pals whom I share sorts of stories and ideas. I am still not sure where everything is going, but I know I am no longer sailing this in a trance. If he’s not the one, then I’d be more than happy to have found in him a good friend. I just want to steer clear the haze of confusion in my mind. Gusto ko lang makatulog sa gabi greeting him gud nyt and I myself having one rather than taking a deep breath and saying to the wind “kung alam mo lang kung gaano kasakit yun…” as if the wind will blow it into his ears.
Ngayon, mas okay na. I am not saying that I’ve realized na di ko pala siya like. Maybe I did after all, but for what reason I don’t know. As the legendary Geribear said, “not all things can be rationalized.” What I’m saying is that I feel better now that I am learning to be his friend. If everything that happened before brought into me something good, it would be that I was able to add up a little more to my level of maturity. I guess after all, tama si Season when he told Cookie na not because a guy asked a girl out, he’s already professing love. For now, Kermit is a nice frog friend rather than a frog prince.
Sunday, June 20, 2004
I still feel so sick, pero alive pa naman…I can’t afford to take a leave these days. Rest nga lang ako sa bahay the whole week-end, even missed going to church kasi umulan na naman kanina baka lang mag-trigger pa ng fever for me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito…it all started parang soar throat lang then, mga ilang araw, nahihirapan na ko huminga, parang kinakapos ang paghinga ko…ganito rin yun feeling noon—almost five years ago nun ma-confine ako sa hospital dahil hirap nga ako huminga. The doctor said symptoms siya ng pagiging asthmatic. Triggered rin daw ng environmental factors and allergens like dust and smoke. Bukod kasi sa usok ng sasakyan, prone din ako sa second-hand smoke dahil nga sobrang smoker ang aking ama. Mula tuloy noon, bawal na talaga siyang mag-smoke sa loob ng bahay. Haay…ngayon pa naman nataon na ang daming work sa office tsaka may program kami for the employees’ association. Okay lang, humihinga pa naman ako…hirap nga lang! Now, I missed it again! Ewan ko ba, every time that I visit that website, a few days too late na. Sayang talaga! Ilang opportunities na rin ang nakalampas…I guess I should start getting serious na talaga. A few more months and I’ll turn twenty five…I guess I have to keep my life going. Maybe I can start with a major overhaul on my cv…ha ha! Si Kermit…ewan kung ano na nangyari sa kanya…I still feel guilty over that Monday affair, bawi na lang siguro ko kung may next time—how about spider man? Har har har... Since I opted to rest for the weekend, hindi na naman ako nakasama kina Sansu, Denise at Kat kahapon…miss ko na ang mga yun kaya lang, yoko naman abusuhin sarili ko noh! May next time pa naman…btw, ilang araw na rin akong walang load! He he he…di ko naman balak I-isolate sarili ko, trip ko lang di magload. Okay nga eh, laging may excuse pag may mga nagtatanong na di ko sinasagot. Ayaw ko muna kasing mag-isip ng kung anu-anong bagay sa ngayon…iniisip ko pa kasi kung paano ko makakahinga ng mabuti! Ha ha ha…ano ba ito? Tila ba ang gulo-gulo ng flow ng blog ko…kulang na ata sa oxygen utak ko! He he he…
Sunday, June 13, 2004
What a busy week! I feel so tired, pero okay lang.
Yesterday, a new life was born. Si Jonathan…ang baby ng ate ko. He’s chubby, cute, namumula ang mga pisngi ang kamay.
I gave it a try, I mean going out with someone na ako lang mag-isa. Okay lang, siguro it’s because I’ve known Kermit na rin. I thought about it first, then nagkataon I’ll be out of the office earlier than usual so I contacted Kermit and we agreed to meet and watch a movie. Inasar pa ako ng officemates ko when I left—may “date” raw ako! Okay, maybe it is, in its broadest sense pero for myself, I put greater significance to the term “date” and this one doesn’t fall into it. Parang so special kasi for me when I say “date.” Okay, back to Kermit…I admit at some point, I felt awkward pero hindi dahil kasama ko siya, ewan ko, siguro nga kasi am not used to these things but I told myself, okay lang naman…it’s like going out with Angel or Sansu, or Denise and my other friends. Kermit’s nice naman, di ko lang alam baka naman siya ang mas discomfited dahil kasama niya ko…di nga lang kami nagkausap nang matagal kasi late na, malayo pa uuwian namin and may pasok pa ko the next day. Bakit nga ba Kermit tawag ko sa kanya? Ha ha…wala lang, cute eh—Kermit.
Yesterday, a new life was born. Si Jonathan…ang baby ng ate ko. He’s chubby, cute, namumula ang mga pisngi ang kamay.
I gave it a try, I mean going out with someone na ako lang mag-isa. Okay lang, siguro it’s because I’ve known Kermit na rin. I thought about it first, then nagkataon I’ll be out of the office earlier than usual so I contacted Kermit and we agreed to meet and watch a movie. Inasar pa ako ng officemates ko when I left—may “date” raw ako! Okay, maybe it is, in its broadest sense pero for myself, I put greater significance to the term “date” and this one doesn’t fall into it. Parang so special kasi for me when I say “date.” Okay, back to Kermit…I admit at some point, I felt awkward pero hindi dahil kasama ko siya, ewan ko, siguro nga kasi am not used to these things but I told myself, okay lang naman…it’s like going out with Angel or Sansu, or Denise and my other friends. Kermit’s nice naman, di ko lang alam baka naman siya ang mas discomfited dahil kasama niya ko…di nga lang kami nagkausap nang matagal kasi late na, malayo pa uuwian namin and may pasok pa ko the next day. Bakit nga ba Kermit tawag ko sa kanya? Ha ha…wala lang, cute eh—Kermit.
Saturday, June 05, 2004
Went to La Mesa Eco Park today with the family and the whole troop from Pasong Tamo. It’s supposed to be a summer outing but then it rained the whole day. Nonetheless, I really had fun swimming around the pool for a couple of hours. I guess it has been a long time since I last went swimming—my body’s aching now, but it’s okay…I’m happy!
Before we went swimming in the afternoon, we roamed around the place for sometime, I saw a playground. It’s like wow! Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakakapunta sa playground, as in I tried everything—see saw, slide, pero pinaka-enjoy ang swing! I was left alone nga sa playground kasi umalis yun mga kasama ko para umikot-ikot pa pero okay na ko sa swing. Masaya, nagduduyan ako sa ilalim ng patak ng ulan! At one point, bigla ko na naman yun friend ko…wala lang, tuwing naaalala ko kasi yun, hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako o matutuwa. Parang mixed yun emotions ko, natutuwa ako and at the same time naiinis every time that I recall those times that we’re together or just letting each other know that we’re just around. It’s like something tells me to stay off pero somehow, I’ve grown so fond of the person that more often than not, I miss those times na nakakasama ko siya at nakakausap.
A friend called me a while ago. Si Kermit. Hindi ko ini-expect na tatawag siya, akala ko forget na nun number ko eh, kung di ko pa nga i-text barrage di ako maaalala minsan. Just talked for about an hour, wala lang just catching up, kumustahan…parang ang bilis lang namin nag-usap pero marami rin napag-usapan. Tagal na nga talaga since we last talked. Miss ko na siya pero, I don’t know kung paano kami magkikita…he asked to watch a movie but I still have to think about it…let’s just say that I’ve never watched a movie with a guy. Okay I know, wala lang yun pero I might feel uncomfortable, parang awkward kasi, kahit na friends lang kami. Ewan ko, shocks…parang blog ng isang teenager tuloy ito!
Before we went swimming in the afternoon, we roamed around the place for sometime, I saw a playground. It’s like wow! Ang tagal ko nang hindi nakakapunta sa playground, as in I tried everything—see saw, slide, pero pinaka-enjoy ang swing! I was left alone nga sa playground kasi umalis yun mga kasama ko para umikot-ikot pa pero okay na ko sa swing. Masaya, nagduduyan ako sa ilalim ng patak ng ulan! At one point, bigla ko na naman yun friend ko…wala lang, tuwing naaalala ko kasi yun, hindi ko alam kung maiinis ako o matutuwa. Parang mixed yun emotions ko, natutuwa ako and at the same time naiinis every time that I recall those times that we’re together or just letting each other know that we’re just around. It’s like something tells me to stay off pero somehow, I’ve grown so fond of the person that more often than not, I miss those times na nakakasama ko siya at nakakausap.
A friend called me a while ago. Si Kermit. Hindi ko ini-expect na tatawag siya, akala ko forget na nun number ko eh, kung di ko pa nga i-text barrage di ako maaalala minsan. Just talked for about an hour, wala lang just catching up, kumustahan…parang ang bilis lang namin nag-usap pero marami rin napag-usapan. Tagal na nga talaga since we last talked. Miss ko na siya pero, I don’t know kung paano kami magkikita…he asked to watch a movie but I still have to think about it…let’s just say that I’ve never watched a movie with a guy. Okay I know, wala lang yun pero I might feel uncomfortable, parang awkward kasi, kahit na friends lang kami. Ewan ko, shocks…parang blog ng isang teenager tuloy ito!
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Gaya nang naisip ko kagabi, sumama nga ang pakiramdam ko…hindi tuloy ako nakapasok kanina. Sa isang banda, mabuti na rin iyon nakapagpahinga ako…saglit ko munang kinalimutan ang lahat ng tungkol sa trabaho, at iba pang alalahanin na gumugulo sa isip ko.
Ilang minuto rin akong nanood ng TV napansin ko na halos puro banyagang telenovela pala ang palabas tuwing hapon, kundi naman eh yun mga nagbebenta ng kung anu-anong produkto sa TV—yun tipong home TV shopping ba. Napanuod ko rin saglit yun live coverage ng canvassing ng boto para sa presidente at bise presidente…di ko na naman naiwasan ang mag-isip at magtanong…bakit nga ba ganito pa rin ang sistema dito sa bansang ito? Masyado kong maraming tinatanong, masyado kong maraming pinag-iisipan, masyado kong affected sa mga nangyayari sa aking paligid at sa lipunan…kailan ko kaya matututunan ang hindi mabagabag sa mga bagay-bagay? Ewan ko ba, bakit nga kaya ganito ko… pathetic at pati ba naman sa love life eh likely to be hopeless romantic?! Okay, I still have a lot of questions that are left unanswered. Gustuhin ko man malaman ang mga sagot, di ko alam kung paano.
Sabi nila, “mauubos lamang raw ang ating mga katanungan kung tumigil nang mag-isip ang ating isipan.” Paano kaya ang hindi mag-isip?
Pinagalitan ako ng teacher ko noong grade two…mali kasi yun sagot ko sa recitation sa math tsaka sa mga nakaraang exam, mababa rin ang grade ko. Sa harap ng buong klase, sinigawan niya ko at sinabing DI AKO NAG-IISIP…inutusan din niya ko na umalis sa upuan ko at lumipat sa row 4 (uso kasi noon yun paghahati ng buong klase sa apat na rows: nasa row 1 yun mga “matatalino” dito tabi-tabi yun mga nasa top ten ng klase; sa rows 2 at 3 yun mga “average” students at sa row 4 naman yun mga kung tawagin ay “slow learners” – yun ang tawag ng mga teachers pero ang tawag ng mga estudyante at mga kadalasan eh paki-alamerang nanay na laging nakatambay sa school eh mga bobo. Umiyak ako noon kahit hindi umuulan…di ko kasi maintindihan kung bakit kailangan gawin yun ng teacher ko. Ang tagal na ngang panahon nun eh…halos labing-walong taon na ang nakakaraan, pero hindi ko pa rin nakakalimutan yun instance na yon. Mula noon, naisip ko na mahirap talaga ang math. Parang nakakaloko…noong mag-recognition day kami nung grade two, ako yun third honor tapos ako rin yun best in math! Di ba parang isang kahibangan?! Matapos niya kong sabihan na di nag-iisip, nasama pa ko sa honor roll at naging best in math! Ang mga pinararangalan ba sa lipunang ito ay ang mga hindi nag-iisip? Siya nga pala…yun teacher ko na yun, naging isa rin siya sa adviser ko sa journalism noong nasa grade six na ko…ang dating estudyante niya na di nag-iisip, kinatutuwaan at ginawa pang punong patnugot ng school paper! Noong magkaroon ng assessment exam ang lahat ng graduating students at piliin ang ten best students sa bawat subject nakakatawang nakasama na naman ako sa “ten bests” in math! Ewan ko ba…inisip ko na lang na baka frustrated lang noon o sadyang mainit ang ulo ng teacher ko at ako ang napagtripan. Isa siya sa mga taong di ko na yata malilimutan sa buong buhay ko…siya rin yun lumapastangan at lumait sa penmanship ko—para raw kinalahig ng manok, parang di raw niya ko naging estudyante (sa public school kasing pinasukan ko, grade two kami tinuruan sumulat ng dikit-dikit). Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko pa hahagilapin yun teacher ko na yun pero kung makita ko siya, baka di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na tanungin siya kung paano ang hindi mag-isip!
Haay…epekto kaya ito ng pagkabasa ng akin bunbunan kagabi? Buti na lang walang load ang cellphone ko…hindi ko nagawang mag-text ng kung anu-ano.
Ilang minuto rin akong nanood ng TV napansin ko na halos puro banyagang telenovela pala ang palabas tuwing hapon, kundi naman eh yun mga nagbebenta ng kung anu-anong produkto sa TV—yun tipong home TV shopping ba. Napanuod ko rin saglit yun live coverage ng canvassing ng boto para sa presidente at bise presidente…di ko na naman naiwasan ang mag-isip at magtanong…bakit nga ba ganito pa rin ang sistema dito sa bansang ito? Masyado kong maraming tinatanong, masyado kong maraming pinag-iisipan, masyado kong affected sa mga nangyayari sa aking paligid at sa lipunan…kailan ko kaya matututunan ang hindi mabagabag sa mga bagay-bagay? Ewan ko ba, bakit nga kaya ganito ko… pathetic at pati ba naman sa love life eh likely to be hopeless romantic?! Okay, I still have a lot of questions that are left unanswered. Gustuhin ko man malaman ang mga sagot, di ko alam kung paano.
Sabi nila, “mauubos lamang raw ang ating mga katanungan kung tumigil nang mag-isip ang ating isipan.” Paano kaya ang hindi mag-isip?
Pinagalitan ako ng teacher ko noong grade two…mali kasi yun sagot ko sa recitation sa math tsaka sa mga nakaraang exam, mababa rin ang grade ko. Sa harap ng buong klase, sinigawan niya ko at sinabing DI AKO NAG-IISIP…inutusan din niya ko na umalis sa upuan ko at lumipat sa row 4 (uso kasi noon yun paghahati ng buong klase sa apat na rows: nasa row 1 yun mga “matatalino” dito tabi-tabi yun mga nasa top ten ng klase; sa rows 2 at 3 yun mga “average” students at sa row 4 naman yun mga kung tawagin ay “slow learners” – yun ang tawag ng mga teachers pero ang tawag ng mga estudyante at mga kadalasan eh paki-alamerang nanay na laging nakatambay sa school eh mga bobo. Umiyak ako noon kahit hindi umuulan…di ko kasi maintindihan kung bakit kailangan gawin yun ng teacher ko. Ang tagal na ngang panahon nun eh…halos labing-walong taon na ang nakakaraan, pero hindi ko pa rin nakakalimutan yun instance na yon. Mula noon, naisip ko na mahirap talaga ang math. Parang nakakaloko…noong mag-recognition day kami nung grade two, ako yun third honor tapos ako rin yun best in math! Di ba parang isang kahibangan?! Matapos niya kong sabihan na di nag-iisip, nasama pa ko sa honor roll at naging best in math! Ang mga pinararangalan ba sa lipunang ito ay ang mga hindi nag-iisip? Siya nga pala…yun teacher ko na yun, naging isa rin siya sa adviser ko sa journalism noong nasa grade six na ko…ang dating estudyante niya na di nag-iisip, kinatutuwaan at ginawa pang punong patnugot ng school paper! Noong magkaroon ng assessment exam ang lahat ng graduating students at piliin ang ten best students sa bawat subject nakakatawang nakasama na naman ako sa “ten bests” in math! Ewan ko ba…inisip ko na lang na baka frustrated lang noon o sadyang mainit ang ulo ng teacher ko at ako ang napagtripan. Isa siya sa mga taong di ko na yata malilimutan sa buong buhay ko…siya rin yun lumapastangan at lumait sa penmanship ko—para raw kinalahig ng manok, parang di raw niya ko naging estudyante (sa public school kasing pinasukan ko, grade two kami tinuruan sumulat ng dikit-dikit). Hindi ko lang alam kung saan ko pa hahagilapin yun teacher ko na yun pero kung makita ko siya, baka di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na tanungin siya kung paano ang hindi mag-isip!
Haay…epekto kaya ito ng pagkabasa ng akin bunbunan kagabi? Buti na lang walang load ang cellphone ko…hindi ko nagawang mag-text ng kung anu-ano.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
Tag-ulan!
Ang tagal kong hinintay ng pagdating ng tag-ulan! Kanina, bumaba ako ng fx sa Don Antonio, gaya ng dati, umakyat sa overpass para tumawid…pero iba ang gabing ito…nasa fx pa lang ako nang mapansin ko na umaambon. Sa wakas! Ito na nga ang hinihintay ko…tag-ulan na! Slow motion ang mundo ko sandali ko munang kinalimutan ang nababalitaan kong naglipana na rin ang mga magnanakaw sa lugar na iyon. Di tulad nang karaniwan kong pagtawid sa overpass, dahan-dahan akong naglakad…naalala ko nung isang gabing pauwi ako sa amin…sayang, sana binagalan ko nang husto ang lakad ko, sana mas matagal ko siyang nakasama…yun kaming dalawa lang. Ewan ko ba, basta sanay lang ako na mabilis lumakad…pero iba ang gabing ito! Unang araw ng buwan ng Hunyo, pumatak ang ulan…halos isang taon na rin ang nakalipas. Iba ang gabing ito…gusto kong maranasang muli ang maglakad nang mabagal at damhin ang bawat patak ng ulan.
Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan ko huling ginawa ang maligo sa ulan. Hindi naman malakas ang ulan kanina…ambon lang naman pero sapat na rin para maramdaman ang bawat patak nito sa aking balat. Pakiramdam ko bumalik yun dating ako…yung ako na naghihintay na pumatak ang ulan para umiyak. Pag naliligo ako noon ng ulan, hindi nila alam na umiiyak ako…hindi naman halata. Saglit ring sumagi sa isip ko na baka magkasakit ako sa ginagawa ko, pero bahala na…masaya ko dahil naglalakad ako sa ulan…hindi mabilis, hindi ako nagmamadali. Naalala ko na naman yung gabing yon…hindi, hindi na ko iiyak…baka naman mapagkamalan akong baliw ng mga tao!
Noon, ang problema ko mga simpleng bagay lang…mga simpleng bagay sa paningin ko ngayon, pero noon napaka-bigat na problema na kailangan ko pang pagpuyatan, pag-isipan at kung minsan iyakan. Yun sakit tuwing lilinisin at gagamutin yun mahabang mga sugat sa kaliwang binti ko matapos magasgas nang malalim sa hollow blocks habang naglalakad ako sa gilid nun ginagawang bahay sa tabi namin, yun school bag ko na nasira, yun tenga ko na laging nagsusugat sa tuwing pabubutasan ko para lagyan ng hikaw, yun takot ko sa mga butiki, yun homework na di masagutan, yun project sa Filipino na mag-drawing ng apat na comic strips ng noli me tangere sa illustration board, yun mahabang absence ko sa school dahil nadale ko ng bulutong-tubig, yun math teacher ko na lagi akong tinatawag para mag-solve ng algebra problems sa board, yun teacher ko sa values ed na nagalit sa amin dahil di niya nagustuhan ang isang article sa campus paper, yun exam permit na naiwan ko sa bahay at na-realize ko lang noong patawid na sa riles ng train yun bus sa may españa, yun prof. ko sa econ na dating dean ng college na nababalitang malupit magbigay ng grade, ang pag-iisip kung paano ilalagay bilang entry sa ledger ang bawat transaction, kailan debit? kailan credit? Ang mag-memorize ng articles at tables sa law at taxation, yun takot sa law 3 prof ko nun last sem ko sa uste dahil sa lupit nun eh delikado pa ang graduation…ngayon, tinatawanan ko na lang ang marami sa mga iyon. Pero ang mas nakakatawa, yun mga problema ko ngayon, sa pananaw ko noon napaka simple lang naman. Sabi ko noon, simple lang naman ang mabuhay. Madali lang naman ang maging masaya. Pero bakit kaya ngayon, na-realize ko na hindi pala? Habang tumatagal, marami akong natutuklasan na mga bagay na nagdudulot ng kalungkutan. Noon, parang ang daling mag-decide pero ngayon ang dami palang dapat na isa alang-alang sa bawat desisyon na gagawin ko.
Ang layo pala talaga ng nilalakad ko gabi-gabi pag umuuwi ako…ang dami ko nang napag-isip isip eh naglalakad pa rin ako. Siguro dahil mabagal akong maglakad kanina…ang sarap maramdaman ng ulan na dumadampi sa balat ko. Naramdaman ko kung paano naipon sa ulo ko ang bawat patak at dahan-dahang dumaloy pababa sa gilid ng mukha ko. Parang gusto ko na lang maging isang yelo…kung magiging yelo ko, gusto kong matunaw sa patak ng ulan, hindi sa init ng araw. Gusto kong unit-unting matunaw sa bawat munting patak ng ulan…gusto kong sumama sa tubig gusto kong bumalik sa aking pinagmulan…ang maging tubig. Siguro magiging masaya ko sa piling ng bawat munting patak…muli akong dadaloy kasabay ng pag-ikot ng buhay. Ayaw kong matunaw sa ilalim ng init ng araw. Mapanlinlang ang araw…sa umpisa nagbibigay ng init, parang isang damdaming nag-aalab…parang may dalisay na hangarin na magbigay ng init na tila ba yakap ng isang taong nagmamahal. Pero mapanlinlang ang araw…tuluyan niyang tinutunaw ang yelo hindi upang muling dumaloy kasama ng tubig kundi upang dalhin sa himpapawid…sa himpapawid kung saan bigla ka na lamang niyang iiwanan. Palutang-lutang, paikot-ikot hanggang makahanap ng karamay…hanggang maging mga ulap na ligaw. Ang mga ulap! Akala mo kay gandang tingnan…pero ang totoo, sila yun mga pusong ligaw na iniwan ng araw sa kalangitan…nangungulila, nangangarap na sana makabalik sa pinag-mulan. Naghihintay sila…naghihintay ng mga karamay hanggang sa makabuo ng lakas at puwersa upang bumalik sa kanilang pinag-mulan…babalik sila bilang ulan. Kaya siguro gusto ko ang tag-ulan, kaya siguro nagagawang ikubli ng patak ng ulan ang aking kalungkutan. Marahil sadyang itinadhanang dumaloy kasabay nito ang bawat patak ng luha sa aking mga mata. Siguro naiintindihan ako ng ulan.
Mabuti na lang tag-ulan na! Hindi na magluluha ang mata ko sa tindi ng sikat ng mapaminsalang araw. Nagiging masaya lang naman ako tuwing tag-araw kapag napapasyal ako sa dagat. Sa dagat naaalala ko kung paanong mangarap. Nagkakaroon ako ng pag-asa na sa kabila ng lahat ng problema at hinanakit, meron pa ring solusyon, meron pa ring karamay. Maraming kwento ng wagas na pag-ibig at pagtitiwala sa dagat—kung paano nahati ang dagat upang iligtas ang mga Israelita sa kamay ng Ehipto, ang kwento ng mga bakas ng paa sa buhangin sa baybaying dagat, kung paano nakalakad si Pedro sa ibabaw ng tubig…Sayang nga eh, lumipas ang summer na ito na hindi ako nakapunta sa dagat. May plano sana, kaya lang hindi ako nakasama eh, di kaya ng aking bulsa kaya di ako nakasama. Pero di bale, tag-ulan na naman eh!
Bigla nga palang lumakas ang ulan kanina! Mabuti na lang malapit na ko sa sakayan ng tricycle. Napilitan na rin akong ihinto ang aking pagmumuni-muni at maglakad nang mabilis. Pagsakay ko ng tricycle, tsaka ko lang na-realize na basa talaga ko…buti na lang at pauwi na ko. Hindi naman siguro ko magkakasakit, kung magkasakit man ako…who cares di ba? Bukod sa maaaring maapektuhan dahil sa trabahong di ko magagawa sa opisina (kung meron man) at sa Mama ko na bibili ng gamot, wala naman. Hindi naman kasi masyadong malaking kabawasan sa kita ng tricycle, fx at jeepney driver ang pamasahe ko kung papasok ako eh…isa pa, kikita naman ang nagtitinda ng gamot at royal true orange pag nagkasakit ako…give chance to others sabi nga nila!
Ano kaya ang nararamdaman ng araw tuwing umuulan?
Ang tagal kong hinintay ng pagdating ng tag-ulan! Kanina, bumaba ako ng fx sa Don Antonio, gaya ng dati, umakyat sa overpass para tumawid…pero iba ang gabing ito…nasa fx pa lang ako nang mapansin ko na umaambon. Sa wakas! Ito na nga ang hinihintay ko…tag-ulan na! Slow motion ang mundo ko sandali ko munang kinalimutan ang nababalitaan kong naglipana na rin ang mga magnanakaw sa lugar na iyon. Di tulad nang karaniwan kong pagtawid sa overpass, dahan-dahan akong naglakad…naalala ko nung isang gabing pauwi ako sa amin…sayang, sana binagalan ko nang husto ang lakad ko, sana mas matagal ko siyang nakasama…yun kaming dalawa lang. Ewan ko ba, basta sanay lang ako na mabilis lumakad…pero iba ang gabing ito! Unang araw ng buwan ng Hunyo, pumatak ang ulan…halos isang taon na rin ang nakalipas. Iba ang gabing ito…gusto kong maranasang muli ang maglakad nang mabagal at damhin ang bawat patak ng ulan.
Hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan ko huling ginawa ang maligo sa ulan. Hindi naman malakas ang ulan kanina…ambon lang naman pero sapat na rin para maramdaman ang bawat patak nito sa aking balat. Pakiramdam ko bumalik yun dating ako…yung ako na naghihintay na pumatak ang ulan para umiyak. Pag naliligo ako noon ng ulan, hindi nila alam na umiiyak ako…hindi naman halata. Saglit ring sumagi sa isip ko na baka magkasakit ako sa ginagawa ko, pero bahala na…masaya ko dahil naglalakad ako sa ulan…hindi mabilis, hindi ako nagmamadali. Naalala ko na naman yung gabing yon…hindi, hindi na ko iiyak…baka naman mapagkamalan akong baliw ng mga tao!
Noon, ang problema ko mga simpleng bagay lang…mga simpleng bagay sa paningin ko ngayon, pero noon napaka-bigat na problema na kailangan ko pang pagpuyatan, pag-isipan at kung minsan iyakan. Yun sakit tuwing lilinisin at gagamutin yun mahabang mga sugat sa kaliwang binti ko matapos magasgas nang malalim sa hollow blocks habang naglalakad ako sa gilid nun ginagawang bahay sa tabi namin, yun school bag ko na nasira, yun tenga ko na laging nagsusugat sa tuwing pabubutasan ko para lagyan ng hikaw, yun takot ko sa mga butiki, yun homework na di masagutan, yun project sa Filipino na mag-drawing ng apat na comic strips ng noli me tangere sa illustration board, yun mahabang absence ko sa school dahil nadale ko ng bulutong-tubig, yun math teacher ko na lagi akong tinatawag para mag-solve ng algebra problems sa board, yun teacher ko sa values ed na nagalit sa amin dahil di niya nagustuhan ang isang article sa campus paper, yun exam permit na naiwan ko sa bahay at na-realize ko lang noong patawid na sa riles ng train yun bus sa may españa, yun prof. ko sa econ na dating dean ng college na nababalitang malupit magbigay ng grade, ang pag-iisip kung paano ilalagay bilang entry sa ledger ang bawat transaction, kailan debit? kailan credit? Ang mag-memorize ng articles at tables sa law at taxation, yun takot sa law 3 prof ko nun last sem ko sa uste dahil sa lupit nun eh delikado pa ang graduation…ngayon, tinatawanan ko na lang ang marami sa mga iyon. Pero ang mas nakakatawa, yun mga problema ko ngayon, sa pananaw ko noon napaka simple lang naman. Sabi ko noon, simple lang naman ang mabuhay. Madali lang naman ang maging masaya. Pero bakit kaya ngayon, na-realize ko na hindi pala? Habang tumatagal, marami akong natutuklasan na mga bagay na nagdudulot ng kalungkutan. Noon, parang ang daling mag-decide pero ngayon ang dami palang dapat na isa alang-alang sa bawat desisyon na gagawin ko.
Ang layo pala talaga ng nilalakad ko gabi-gabi pag umuuwi ako…ang dami ko nang napag-isip isip eh naglalakad pa rin ako. Siguro dahil mabagal akong maglakad kanina…ang sarap maramdaman ng ulan na dumadampi sa balat ko. Naramdaman ko kung paano naipon sa ulo ko ang bawat patak at dahan-dahang dumaloy pababa sa gilid ng mukha ko. Parang gusto ko na lang maging isang yelo…kung magiging yelo ko, gusto kong matunaw sa patak ng ulan, hindi sa init ng araw. Gusto kong unit-unting matunaw sa bawat munting patak ng ulan…gusto kong sumama sa tubig gusto kong bumalik sa aking pinagmulan…ang maging tubig. Siguro magiging masaya ko sa piling ng bawat munting patak…muli akong dadaloy kasabay ng pag-ikot ng buhay. Ayaw kong matunaw sa ilalim ng init ng araw. Mapanlinlang ang araw…sa umpisa nagbibigay ng init, parang isang damdaming nag-aalab…parang may dalisay na hangarin na magbigay ng init na tila ba yakap ng isang taong nagmamahal. Pero mapanlinlang ang araw…tuluyan niyang tinutunaw ang yelo hindi upang muling dumaloy kasama ng tubig kundi upang dalhin sa himpapawid…sa himpapawid kung saan bigla ka na lamang niyang iiwanan. Palutang-lutang, paikot-ikot hanggang makahanap ng karamay…hanggang maging mga ulap na ligaw. Ang mga ulap! Akala mo kay gandang tingnan…pero ang totoo, sila yun mga pusong ligaw na iniwan ng araw sa kalangitan…nangungulila, nangangarap na sana makabalik sa pinag-mulan. Naghihintay sila…naghihintay ng mga karamay hanggang sa makabuo ng lakas at puwersa upang bumalik sa kanilang pinag-mulan…babalik sila bilang ulan. Kaya siguro gusto ko ang tag-ulan, kaya siguro nagagawang ikubli ng patak ng ulan ang aking kalungkutan. Marahil sadyang itinadhanang dumaloy kasabay nito ang bawat patak ng luha sa aking mga mata. Siguro naiintindihan ako ng ulan.
Mabuti na lang tag-ulan na! Hindi na magluluha ang mata ko sa tindi ng sikat ng mapaminsalang araw. Nagiging masaya lang naman ako tuwing tag-araw kapag napapasyal ako sa dagat. Sa dagat naaalala ko kung paanong mangarap. Nagkakaroon ako ng pag-asa na sa kabila ng lahat ng problema at hinanakit, meron pa ring solusyon, meron pa ring karamay. Maraming kwento ng wagas na pag-ibig at pagtitiwala sa dagat—kung paano nahati ang dagat upang iligtas ang mga Israelita sa kamay ng Ehipto, ang kwento ng mga bakas ng paa sa buhangin sa baybaying dagat, kung paano nakalakad si Pedro sa ibabaw ng tubig…Sayang nga eh, lumipas ang summer na ito na hindi ako nakapunta sa dagat. May plano sana, kaya lang hindi ako nakasama eh, di kaya ng aking bulsa kaya di ako nakasama. Pero di bale, tag-ulan na naman eh!
Bigla nga palang lumakas ang ulan kanina! Mabuti na lang malapit na ko sa sakayan ng tricycle. Napilitan na rin akong ihinto ang aking pagmumuni-muni at maglakad nang mabilis. Pagsakay ko ng tricycle, tsaka ko lang na-realize na basa talaga ko…buti na lang at pauwi na ko. Hindi naman siguro ko magkakasakit, kung magkasakit man ako…who cares di ba? Bukod sa maaaring maapektuhan dahil sa trabahong di ko magagawa sa opisina (kung meron man) at sa Mama ko na bibili ng gamot, wala naman. Hindi naman kasi masyadong malaking kabawasan sa kita ng tricycle, fx at jeepney driver ang pamasahe ko kung papasok ako eh…isa pa, kikita naman ang nagtitinda ng gamot at royal true orange pag nagkasakit ako…give chance to others sabi nga nila!
Ano kaya ang nararamdaman ng araw tuwing umuulan?
Monday, May 10, 2004
I woke up early to vote (my first time at that). Luckily, wala pa naman pila sa polling precinct. I was just upset to know that my brother is not in the certified voters’ list—he wasn’t able to cast his (first) vote (sana). Maraming speculations and hearsays about this election, bago pa man sumapit ang araw na ito. Kung minsan, hindi ko na alam kung sino ang dapat paniwalaan. Gusto ko pa rin sanang magtiwala sa innate goodness and conscience ng mga tao, pero as I’ve learned a bit earlier in this life of mine, inherently wicked na ang mga tao. What more can I expect, this is a fallen world sabi nga, at mula sa kauna-unahang ninuno ng lahi ng tao pa nagmula ang sinful nature. Meron innate goddness, oo pero it takes more than just one’s will power to let it out. I don’t want to be preachy here, alam ko on my own, marami rin akong flaws, but I’m learning to leave each day asking for guidance from the Lord. As for me, I did my part so whatever happens, hindi ako babagabagin ng aking conscience. Much for the elections.
Some minutes ago, I just felt so sad. Ang daming taong nawawala…Ewan ko, siguro na-miss ko lang yung friend ko dati (let’s call him Kermit). I also wonder what happened to my Kuya Jimay, nde na siya nagte-text ngayon…I hope he’s okay. I also tried to contact some high school friends, but their mobile and landline phones are no longer at work. Haay, people…they just come and go. Sabi nga, some of them just pass by slowly and unnoticed. Yun iba will just pass by, share some moments with you then walk out of your life pero wala lang, it’s easy for you to consider them as just part of yesterday. There are some naman na you’re so used to their presence that once they left you’d miss them a lot. Then there are still some who passed by unnoticed, then went back, talk to you for a little while, then leave you longing for their company. Naisip ko lang, siguro I have to let go of sweet memories of Kermit problem is, I don’t know how and where to start. For sometime, I’ve convinced myself that Kermit is not worth all those sadness but I still end up missing the sweet Kermit. Minsan, naiinis ako at sa sobrang inis ko, gusto ko siyang i-dissect na para bang nasa biology class ako! But then again, ano nga ba ang real reason kung bakit ako naiinis?
Haay…parang walang sense ang mga sinasabi ko rito…susubukan ko na lang matulog…
Some minutes ago, I just felt so sad. Ang daming taong nawawala…Ewan ko, siguro na-miss ko lang yung friend ko dati (let’s call him Kermit). I also wonder what happened to my Kuya Jimay, nde na siya nagte-text ngayon…I hope he’s okay. I also tried to contact some high school friends, but their mobile and landline phones are no longer at work. Haay, people…they just come and go. Sabi nga, some of them just pass by slowly and unnoticed. Yun iba will just pass by, share some moments with you then walk out of your life pero wala lang, it’s easy for you to consider them as just part of yesterday. There are some naman na you’re so used to their presence that once they left you’d miss them a lot. Then there are still some who passed by unnoticed, then went back, talk to you for a little while, then leave you longing for their company. Naisip ko lang, siguro I have to let go of sweet memories of Kermit problem is, I don’t know how and where to start. For sometime, I’ve convinced myself that Kermit is not worth all those sadness but I still end up missing the sweet Kermit. Minsan, naiinis ako at sa sobrang inis ko, gusto ko siyang i-dissect na para bang nasa biology class ako! But then again, ano nga ba ang real reason kung bakit ako naiinis?
Haay…parang walang sense ang mga sinasabi ko rito…susubukan ko na lang matulog…
Saturday, May 08, 2004
I’ve been listless the past two weeks or so. There were not a few times when people would ask, “ano ba iniisip mo? Bakit ang layo ng tingin mo? Bakit ang lungkot mo?…” Madali rin akong maasar…Feeling ko parang ang dami kong iniisip pero wala naman akong magawa…lalo tuloy nakakalungkot. Nililibang ko na nga lang sarili ko sa iba’t-ibang bagay pero pansamantala lang naman yun, para bang deep inside, sad pa rin ako. I miss CJ so much. Feeling ko kasi he’s so far from me, miss ko na yun comfort of knowing that he’s always around for me. Okay, I admit, fault ko rin naman kung bakit ganito eh. Masyado kasi akong naging relaxed knowing na he’s always ready to help me in everything, yun bang feeling ko I don’t have to do anything in return so I more often than not neglected him. Parang lately kasi mas iniisip ko yun mga trabaho, yun mga friends ko, problems ko and other things. Isa pa, mga ilang araw din na di maganda pakiramdam ko, parang magkakasakit ako na di ko maintindihan. Nung Wednesday naman, sumakit ang tyan ko, absent tuloy ako ng Thursday, and top it all, di ako makakain dahil nga sumasakit ang tyan ko. Naisip ko nga, ano ba, may kinalaman ba rito ang bilog na buwan at meteor showers? Ha ha ha…of course alam kong wala naman connection, that’s just a sort of a joke. Maybe I just need some more time…
Saturday, May 01, 2004
Oh, well...I guess meron pang ibang nakakarelate rito aside from me...mushy indeed!!! =)
Alam mo, nalulungkot ako palagi, kasi nami-miss na kita, ang daya mo kasi eh, bigla mo na lang akong iniwan, tama ba naman yun? Siguro mali lang ang akala ko, sori ha, di ko naman sinasadyang mangyari ito eh, hindi ko naman talaga ginustong ma-miss ka at maalala araw-araw. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang magalit sa iyo dahil iniwan mo ko. Oo, galit ako sa iyo. Galit ako dahil araw-araw, sinasaktan mo ko. Nasasaktan ako dahil iniwan mo ko. Iniwan mo ko nun mga sandaling kailangan kitang makasama o maka-usap man lang. Ano bang right ko para magalit sa iyo? Bakit ba ko nagdedemand ng atensyon mula sa iyo? Sino ba naman ako sa buhay mo di ba? Sori, nakalimutan ko, wala nga pala kong right. Hindi ko naman sinasadya eh, hindi ko naman ginusto ito, pero wala akong magawa, ito talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Sori, hindi ko naman sinasadyang mahalin ka.
Sayang, sana hindi ka umalis agad, sana man lang nasabi ko sa iyo ang mga gusto kong sabihin. Sana nandito ka sa tabi ko ngayon.
Naiiyak na naman ako. Sori, iyakin talaga ko eh, para talaga kong bata. Don’t worry, di ko naman ipagpipilitan sarili ko sa iyo eh, siguro nga I’m so immature for you. Parang gusto ko tuloy pagsisihan ang araw na nakipagkilala pa ko sa iyo. Sana hindi ko na lang hinayaan ang sarili ko na makipagkaibigan sa iyo. Akala ko naman kasi harmless lang yun eh, yun pala ganito ang mangyayari. Ang alam ko nasabi ko sa iyo na never pa ko nagka-boyfriend, hindi ko alam kung naniwala ka o hindi, sabi mo pa sa akin siguro pihikan ako. Sabi ko di naman ako pihikan, pero sana nasabi ko rin ang totoong dahilan kung bakit. Kasi, hindi ko talaga alam kung paano makipag-deal sa mga guys, I mean yun things like dating, courtship, whatever you call it. Hindi ko kasi ma-gets yun mga guys eh, I mean yun mga nakilala ko before. Yun iba, feeling ko tingin nila one of the boys ako. Then there’s this one who made me feel so special that he ended up pissing me off more often than not. At one point, I felt like I’m beginning to like him siguro kasi he has his own way to make me smile or laugh kahit inis ako, tsaka somehow, he made me feel special, kahit na confused pa rin ako sa reasons niya why he’s doing all those things. Sabi ko nga sa close friend ko, siguro kung sineryoso lang niya na niligawan ako, siya yun una kong naging boyfriend. Sobrang na-confuse ako lalo nun may nagsabi sa akin na he’s gay. Anyway, mula nun, sabi ko sa sarili ko mag-aaral na lang akong mabuti, besides, usapan namin ng mama ko na hindi ako maboboyfriend until I graduate from college. Meron akong mga ibang crush, crush as in, wala, hanggang dun lang. Nasabi ko yata sa iyo yun noon minsang nag-usap tayo. Crush ko sila but not necessarily gusto ko silang maging bf, alam ko naman na di pwede. They’re relatively young, about your age, pero they’ve already accomplished a lot in their lives. Yun yung mga crush na pang-inspire lang to aim for higher goals in life.
Pero what I want is someone who can be with me as I go through life. Someone with whom I can share my dreams, my fears, my happy days, my sad days, someone who can be my big brother to guide and if needed protect me, my best friend to be with me through ups and downs, my little brother para makipag-kulitan at asaran, I like someone who can help me realize na may mga bagay sa mundo na kahit ayaw ko, matututuhan kong tanggapin at intindihin. I like someone with whom I can be the child in me and at the same time patiently watch me grow into a lady. I like a man whom I can respect—someone who can stand and defend his principles, but I know I tend to be childish most of the time, and worst, I can be as stubborn as a brat, so I like someone who would also care for me enough to give-in to my petty wishes at times. I like someone whom I can talk with about almost anything. Noon, tinanong mo ko kung ano ba gusto ko sa guys, hindi kita masagot, kasi hindi ko rin alam. Pero nun araw na iniwan mo ko, narealize ko na more than anything, and more than the physical appearance, ito yun gusto ko sa guy. Nun una, pinilit kong iwasan ka kasi yun mga ayaw ko sa guys nasa iyo na yata lahat, pero I can’t be that mean to drive you away while you’re offering friendship, so nakipag-friends ako sa iyo. But in that short time na nakilala kita, narealize ko na mas importante pala yun character ng isang tao. I realized that I could actually see beyond what’s superficial and look into one’s heart. Sana nasabi ko sa iyo na ikaw yun gusto ko, before you left. Sana hindi mo ko iniwan agad, sana nasabi ko man lang sa harap mo na mahal kita.
I won’t forget that night in July that brought you into my life. Sayang, akala ko pa naman you’re here to stay, kaya lang, wala pang four months, iniwan mo na ko. Hindi ko na tuloy nasabi how much you meant to me, katulad ka rin nun dati kong classmate, you made me feel more confused. Sana hindi ka na lang nakipagkilala sa akin, siguro mas okay pa ang buhay ko. Pero ano naman ba sa iyo kung masaktan ako di ba? Siyempre, you don’t care, perhaps you never did, but why do you have to come into my life then leave me all of a sudden? How could you be so cruel? You made me fall in love tapos you don’t intend to catch me pala. Ikaw pa naman ang nagsabi sa akin na mahalaga ang puso, tapos wala ka rin naman pala nito?
Hindi ko nasabi ito bago mo ko iniwan, gusto ko sanang malaman mo na kahit ayaw ko minahal kita, you made me fall in love, kaya lang iniwan mo naman ako—ang sakit nun. Siguro nga I was just so immature at that time. Siguro kung may makikilala kong ibang guy ngayon, I’ll be more mature. Maybe I have to start all over again, meaning makipagkilala sa ibang tao, kahit total stranger na tulad mo, or maybe he’s just around or in my circle of friends. I wish I’d get over this pain in my heart soonest.
Sana somehow makarating sa iyo ang letter na ito. Sana somehow ma-realize mo na para sa iyo ito. Sana kahit papano, malaman mo na nasaktan mo ko, kahit na siguro hindi ito mahalaga sa iyo. Sana when I meet a new one, I’ll be mature enough to handle the situation, whatever that may be; pero for now, I still have to learn to accept na wala ka na. Masaya ka na siguro dyan, mabuti ka pa. Ako, eto, nami-miss pa rin kita…
Alam mo, nalulungkot ako palagi, kasi nami-miss na kita, ang daya mo kasi eh, bigla mo na lang akong iniwan, tama ba naman yun? Siguro mali lang ang akala ko, sori ha, di ko naman sinasadyang mangyari ito eh, hindi ko naman talaga ginustong ma-miss ka at maalala araw-araw. Hindi ko naman sinasadyang magalit sa iyo dahil iniwan mo ko. Oo, galit ako sa iyo. Galit ako dahil araw-araw, sinasaktan mo ko. Nasasaktan ako dahil iniwan mo ko. Iniwan mo ko nun mga sandaling kailangan kitang makasama o maka-usap man lang. Ano bang right ko para magalit sa iyo? Bakit ba ko nagdedemand ng atensyon mula sa iyo? Sino ba naman ako sa buhay mo di ba? Sori, nakalimutan ko, wala nga pala kong right. Hindi ko naman sinasadya eh, hindi ko naman ginusto ito, pero wala akong magawa, ito talaga ang nararamdaman ko. Sori, hindi ko naman sinasadyang mahalin ka.
Sayang, sana hindi ka umalis agad, sana man lang nasabi ko sa iyo ang mga gusto kong sabihin. Sana nandito ka sa tabi ko ngayon.
Naiiyak na naman ako. Sori, iyakin talaga ko eh, para talaga kong bata. Don’t worry, di ko naman ipagpipilitan sarili ko sa iyo eh, siguro nga I’m so immature for you. Parang gusto ko tuloy pagsisihan ang araw na nakipagkilala pa ko sa iyo. Sana hindi ko na lang hinayaan ang sarili ko na makipagkaibigan sa iyo. Akala ko naman kasi harmless lang yun eh, yun pala ganito ang mangyayari. Ang alam ko nasabi ko sa iyo na never pa ko nagka-boyfriend, hindi ko alam kung naniwala ka o hindi, sabi mo pa sa akin siguro pihikan ako. Sabi ko di naman ako pihikan, pero sana nasabi ko rin ang totoong dahilan kung bakit. Kasi, hindi ko talaga alam kung paano makipag-deal sa mga guys, I mean yun things like dating, courtship, whatever you call it. Hindi ko kasi ma-gets yun mga guys eh, I mean yun mga nakilala ko before. Yun iba, feeling ko tingin nila one of the boys ako. Then there’s this one who made me feel so special that he ended up pissing me off more often than not. At one point, I felt like I’m beginning to like him siguro kasi he has his own way to make me smile or laugh kahit inis ako, tsaka somehow, he made me feel special, kahit na confused pa rin ako sa reasons niya why he’s doing all those things. Sabi ko nga sa close friend ko, siguro kung sineryoso lang niya na niligawan ako, siya yun una kong naging boyfriend. Sobrang na-confuse ako lalo nun may nagsabi sa akin na he’s gay. Anyway, mula nun, sabi ko sa sarili ko mag-aaral na lang akong mabuti, besides, usapan namin ng mama ko na hindi ako maboboyfriend until I graduate from college. Meron akong mga ibang crush, crush as in, wala, hanggang dun lang. Nasabi ko yata sa iyo yun noon minsang nag-usap tayo. Crush ko sila but not necessarily gusto ko silang maging bf, alam ko naman na di pwede. They’re relatively young, about your age, pero they’ve already accomplished a lot in their lives. Yun yung mga crush na pang-inspire lang to aim for higher goals in life.
Pero what I want is someone who can be with me as I go through life. Someone with whom I can share my dreams, my fears, my happy days, my sad days, someone who can be my big brother to guide and if needed protect me, my best friend to be with me through ups and downs, my little brother para makipag-kulitan at asaran, I like someone who can help me realize na may mga bagay sa mundo na kahit ayaw ko, matututuhan kong tanggapin at intindihin. I like someone with whom I can be the child in me and at the same time patiently watch me grow into a lady. I like a man whom I can respect—someone who can stand and defend his principles, but I know I tend to be childish most of the time, and worst, I can be as stubborn as a brat, so I like someone who would also care for me enough to give-in to my petty wishes at times. I like someone whom I can talk with about almost anything. Noon, tinanong mo ko kung ano ba gusto ko sa guys, hindi kita masagot, kasi hindi ko rin alam. Pero nun araw na iniwan mo ko, narealize ko na more than anything, and more than the physical appearance, ito yun gusto ko sa guy. Nun una, pinilit kong iwasan ka kasi yun mga ayaw ko sa guys nasa iyo na yata lahat, pero I can’t be that mean to drive you away while you’re offering friendship, so nakipag-friends ako sa iyo. But in that short time na nakilala kita, narealize ko na mas importante pala yun character ng isang tao. I realized that I could actually see beyond what’s superficial and look into one’s heart. Sana nasabi ko sa iyo na ikaw yun gusto ko, before you left. Sana hindi mo ko iniwan agad, sana nasabi ko man lang sa harap mo na mahal kita.
I won’t forget that night in July that brought you into my life. Sayang, akala ko pa naman you’re here to stay, kaya lang, wala pang four months, iniwan mo na ko. Hindi ko na tuloy nasabi how much you meant to me, katulad ka rin nun dati kong classmate, you made me feel more confused. Sana hindi ka na lang nakipagkilala sa akin, siguro mas okay pa ang buhay ko. Pero ano naman ba sa iyo kung masaktan ako di ba? Siyempre, you don’t care, perhaps you never did, but why do you have to come into my life then leave me all of a sudden? How could you be so cruel? You made me fall in love tapos you don’t intend to catch me pala. Ikaw pa naman ang nagsabi sa akin na mahalaga ang puso, tapos wala ka rin naman pala nito?
Hindi ko nasabi ito bago mo ko iniwan, gusto ko sanang malaman mo na kahit ayaw ko minahal kita, you made me fall in love, kaya lang iniwan mo naman ako—ang sakit nun. Siguro nga I was just so immature at that time. Siguro kung may makikilala kong ibang guy ngayon, I’ll be more mature. Maybe I have to start all over again, meaning makipagkilala sa ibang tao, kahit total stranger na tulad mo, or maybe he’s just around or in my circle of friends. I wish I’d get over this pain in my heart soonest.
Sana somehow makarating sa iyo ang letter na ito. Sana somehow ma-realize mo na para sa iyo ito. Sana kahit papano, malaman mo na nasaktan mo ko, kahit na siguro hindi ito mahalaga sa iyo. Sana when I meet a new one, I’ll be mature enough to handle the situation, whatever that may be; pero for now, I still have to learn to accept na wala ka na. Masaya ka na siguro dyan, mabuti ka pa. Ako, eto, nami-miss pa rin kita…
Thursday, April 01, 2004
Women’s month is over! I’m looking forward to the long Lenten season break.
I almost forgot Bear’s birthday! Well, if not for D who sent me a birthday text message, I would have totally forgot the occasion. It’s been four years…ang bilis ng panahon. I wonder where is Bear now, maybe he’s somewhere enjoying his life (maybe with someone). Wherever he may be, I hope he’s happy. I’d guess he’s much more accomplished these days. I’ve always admired Bear. He’s been an inspiration for me, and I always remember his practical advice about life after college. I may have known him for just a short time but he left great ideals in my young mind. Well, I see him as more than just a Prof, (yes, Bear is my former Prof) for me he’s an ideal big brother.
Speaking of Bear, for sometime I’ve pictured my ideal guy as someone like him. You know, the always prim and proper type with his hair neatly cut, his polo tucked into his pants, shiny shoes and always wearing his socks. Shocks! I realized I’ve observed him a lot! Yep, I did and I know that he use white hankies placed in the left pocket of his pants. One more thing, I like it whenever he’s wearing his pink polo. Bear may not be that handsome prince that some girls adore, but he carries himself well and he’s got the charm. More than that, he’s smart.
But as I’ve often heard and said, things change and so do people. I guess more than all those qualities, what I really liked about Bear is that for me, he projected and image as someone I could genuinely respect. He’s someone I could look up to and trust to walk with me through all of life’s trials. I guess it’s what I like and I wish I could find that someone.
I almost forgot Bear’s birthday! Well, if not for D who sent me a birthday text message, I would have totally forgot the occasion. It’s been four years…ang bilis ng panahon. I wonder where is Bear now, maybe he’s somewhere enjoying his life (maybe with someone). Wherever he may be, I hope he’s happy. I’d guess he’s much more accomplished these days. I’ve always admired Bear. He’s been an inspiration for me, and I always remember his practical advice about life after college. I may have known him for just a short time but he left great ideals in my young mind. Well, I see him as more than just a Prof, (yes, Bear is my former Prof) for me he’s an ideal big brother.
Speaking of Bear, for sometime I’ve pictured my ideal guy as someone like him. You know, the always prim and proper type with his hair neatly cut, his polo tucked into his pants, shiny shoes and always wearing his socks. Shocks! I realized I’ve observed him a lot! Yep, I did and I know that he use white hankies placed in the left pocket of his pants. One more thing, I like it whenever he’s wearing his pink polo. Bear may not be that handsome prince that some girls adore, but he carries himself well and he’s got the charm. More than that, he’s smart.
But as I’ve often heard and said, things change and so do people. I guess more than all those qualities, what I really liked about Bear is that for me, he projected and image as someone I could genuinely respect. He’s someone I could look up to and trust to walk with me through all of life’s trials. I guess it’s what I like and I wish I could find that someone.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Friday, March 19, 2004
11/26/2003
Eyes closed, my heart leaps with joy whenever I hear your laughter. The sound of your voice sends waves that reverberates itself into a lovely melody that soothes my psyche. Your simple smile brightens my day like a ray of light in the dark. Your presence sweeps me off my feet, as your fragrance intoxicates my soul. The moment I touched your lips, I felt a certain current that made me quiver. The touch of your hand melts my whole being. I long to whisper that unspeakable sentiment that exudes from my heart, as I look into your eyes set so deep that I drown into an inexplicable joy.
Eyes closed, my heart leaps with joy whenever I hear your laughter. The sound of your voice sends waves that reverberates itself into a lovely melody that soothes my psyche. Your simple smile brightens my day like a ray of light in the dark. Your presence sweeps me off my feet, as your fragrance intoxicates my soul. The moment I touched your lips, I felt a certain current that made me quiver. The touch of your hand melts my whole being. I long to whisper that unspeakable sentiment that exudes from my heart, as I look into your eyes set so deep that I drown into an inexplicable joy.
Friday, March 05, 2004
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Contemplating about love on a sleepless Tuesday night
I can still remember those high school-ish little notebooks called slum notes (or whatever we used to call it) that we pass around the campus. Yes, the ones that ask questions from the bio-data type to those questions on crushes, love, firsts, etc.
There is one question that I always find hard to answer, or maybe it’s better to put it this way: I never answered it the way they wanted me to—the question “what is love (or define love).”
Well, I have to admit that the question really make me think several times, and most of the time, I’ll end up answering it my usual “well, it’s an indefinable and unexplainable feeling.”
At times, I’d argue that it depends on what level of love in that context, pointing out that there are different kinds of love.
I remember one night, there was this person who asked me that question, and when I can’t give him a definite answer “ayayay…you know what I mean—love, you don’t really know what love is, do you?”
I felt as if my heart stopped—how could this guy tell me those words when we barely even know each other? Quite annoyed, I asked him, “okay, what is love?”
He answered, “love for me is accepting her—whoever she is, wherever she came from, whatever past she had everything about her.”
Then I asked, “but in order to do that, you have to know the person first right? You have to know who she is, where she came from, her past, I mean, you have to know her better, because you can’t willingly accept something that you do not know of.”
“Yes” he answered.
“But how are you going to know all of those?” I asked again.
“I don’t know…that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend” he confided.
Then we continued to chat…
I reflected on the question, “what is love?” and looked back at the recent occurrences in my life, and that conversation. Although I still consider it as an unfathomable feeling, I came up with a more sensible meaning of love.
I learned that love is looking at the person, knowing his flaws and realizing that I can actually see through his shortcomings, and recognize the nobility of his heart. Yes, it is welcoming him to my life, whoever he is, wherever he came from, whatever past he may have. It is seeing beyond the superficial, it is searching deeper into his soul and finding that innate goodness. It’s forgetting “what I look for” and appreciating “what I found.” It is finally having the courage to move beyond my comfort zone and reach out to embrace and face the challenge of facing a new phase in life. It is more than just the sensations, and mixed feelings brought about by the sudden rush of the currents of one’s emotion.
No, I hope I’m not being misunderstood here…I am not in love with the guy that I chat with that night. This is about someone else. Someone I never thought of liking. Maybe I can write about him in my future blogs but for now, I do have a hectic life.
I can still remember those high school-ish little notebooks called slum notes (or whatever we used to call it) that we pass around the campus. Yes, the ones that ask questions from the bio-data type to those questions on crushes, love, firsts, etc.
There is one question that I always find hard to answer, or maybe it’s better to put it this way: I never answered it the way they wanted me to—the question “what is love (or define love).”
Well, I have to admit that the question really make me think several times, and most of the time, I’ll end up answering it my usual “well, it’s an indefinable and unexplainable feeling.”
At times, I’d argue that it depends on what level of love in that context, pointing out that there are different kinds of love.
I remember one night, there was this person who asked me that question, and when I can’t give him a definite answer “ayayay…you know what I mean—love, you don’t really know what love is, do you?”
I felt as if my heart stopped—how could this guy tell me those words when we barely even know each other? Quite annoyed, I asked him, “okay, what is love?”
He answered, “love for me is accepting her—whoever she is, wherever she came from, whatever past she had everything about her.”
Then I asked, “but in order to do that, you have to know the person first right? You have to know who she is, where she came from, her past, I mean, you have to know her better, because you can’t willingly accept something that you do not know of.”
“Yes” he answered.
“But how are you going to know all of those?” I asked again.
“I don’t know…that’s why I don’t have a girlfriend” he confided.
Then we continued to chat…
I reflected on the question, “what is love?” and looked back at the recent occurrences in my life, and that conversation. Although I still consider it as an unfathomable feeling, I came up with a more sensible meaning of love.
I learned that love is looking at the person, knowing his flaws and realizing that I can actually see through his shortcomings, and recognize the nobility of his heart. Yes, it is welcoming him to my life, whoever he is, wherever he came from, whatever past he may have. It is seeing beyond the superficial, it is searching deeper into his soul and finding that innate goodness. It’s forgetting “what I look for” and appreciating “what I found.” It is finally having the courage to move beyond my comfort zone and reach out to embrace and face the challenge of facing a new phase in life. It is more than just the sensations, and mixed feelings brought about by the sudden rush of the currents of one’s emotion.
No, I hope I’m not being misunderstood here…I am not in love with the guy that I chat with that night. This is about someone else. Someone I never thought of liking. Maybe I can write about him in my future blogs but for now, I do have a hectic life.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
“Changes happened so fast. PAGBABAGO. Nakakalula. may tinapos, may iiwanan, may sasamahan, may pakikisamahan, may pakikibagayan, may sisimulan. Isang pagbabago na lang ang inaasam. darating kaya? may tugon kaya? paano pag di mo pala gusto ang darating na pagbabago na noo'y inaasam mo? PANINIBAGO nakakapanibago. may mga bagay ka na gustong manatili sa kanilang estado. pero ikaw mismo ay kailagan magbago. nakakapanibago. gustuhin ko man, may mga bagay na di pa panahon para baguhin. hanggang dumating ang takdang panahon, mananatili muna akong maninibago sa darating na mga pagbabago. kailan kaya? ang hirap naman nito...”
Ang sabi ng isang taong hinahangaan ko, “nothing is permanent in this world, except change.” Tama, lahat nagbabago sa iba’t-ibang dahilan, sa iba’t-ibang paraan, may mga pagbabagong hindi inaasahan, mayroon din namang matagal mo nang inaasam. Mas magandang isipin na lahat ng pagbabago ay nagaganap para sa kabutihan ng lahat, pero nakalulungkot mang tanggapin, may mga pagbabagong nagdudulot lamang ng higit na
pasakit at pagdurusa.
Tama, nakalulula, ang hirap makibagay, ang hirap sumabay. Ang hirap intindihin kung bakit may mga taong nagsisimula ng isang bagay na hindi naman pala kayang panindigan—dala rin ba ito ng pagbabago? Pagbabago ng isip, ng damdamin, ng
saloobin, ng paniniwala. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.
Kung magbago ang lahat tungo sa ikabubuti ng mas nakararami, paano naman akong makasisiguro na mananatiling maayos ang lahat? Hindi ba’t mangyayari pa rin naman ang isa pang pagbabago? Paano akong maniniwala na may pag-ibig na wagas?
Hindi ba’t sa isang saglit lamang ay maaari ring magbago ang lahat?
Darating kaya? Marahil ay darating nga, subalit hanggang kailan mananatili? May tugon kaya? Marahil kung bibigkasin ang tamang katanungan maaaring marining ang kasagutan.
Gaano nga ba tayo makasisiguro na magiging maligaya tayo sa mga bagay at mangyayaring matagal na nating ninanais at inaasam? Paano kung hindi? Sapat na ba ang umasang magbabago rin namang muli ang lahat? Pero paano ang mga bagay na hindi na muli pang maibabalik sa dati? Ang nabasag na banga, ang natuyong rosas, pagtitiwalang nawala, pagkakaibigang nasira…anong uri pa ng pagbabago ang magbabalik nito sa
dating kaanyuan? Tama, hindi na nga ito maibabalik pa, hindi na mababago pa. Ang kailangan dito ay ang pagbabago ng pagtingin sa kasalukuyang kalagayan upang muling maging katanggap-tanggap.
Napakasarap isipin na may takdang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay at pangyayari. Pero sino nga ba ang nagtatakda ng pagdating ng tamang panahon?
Tama, ako man kailangang magbago, sino ba ang hindi? Napakasarap isipin na bahagi ka ng pagbabagong makapagpapabago sa takbo ng buhay. Kasabay ng pagsapit ng bukang liwayway ay ang pananabik, ang ligaya, ang init ng damdamin at pag-asa na ito na marahil ang takdang araw ng pagbangon ng lupang hinirang, isinilang mula sa puso ng karagatan, biniyayaan ng yaman at gandang hinahangaan ninuman, subalit pinag-kaitan ng pagkakataong maka-ahon mula sa kanlungan ng kamusmusan. Kailangang magbago, kailangang matutong tumayo, lumakad, tumakbo…ang mga ibon, natututong lumipad, sino ang hindi hahanga sa ganda ng paruparo na dati-rati’y isang uod na pinandidirihan? Bahagi pa rin ito ng walang hanggang pagbabago. Kasabay ng pagkamulat sa masalimuot na buhay ay ang paglago at pagbabago ng kasisipan, ng paniniwala, ng paninindigan, ng
damdamin, ng saloobin, ng kabuuan ng pagkatao…pahagi ng paglago ang pakikipag-ugnayan, ang pakiki-isa, ang pakikisama.
Dumarating din ang panahon ng paglisan, masakit ang mawalay sa mga tao o bagay na nakasanayan na natin ng laging nandyan. Minsan, naisip ko, sana hindi na lang sila dumating, sana hindi ako nasasaktan. Ngunit ang lahat ay bahagi ng isang realidad na ‘di na maaaring baguhin pa. Isang pagbabago na naman ang kailangan…marahil darating
din ang takdang panahon na mauunawaan ko kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat, marahil magbabago rin ang pagtingin ko sa mga pangyayari at matatanggap ang lahat. Kailan nga kaya? Sino ang magtatakda? Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi sila…
Pag-asa…ito na lang yata ang nalalabing kataga na nagdudulot ng ngiti sa aking mga labi, na patuloy na nagpapatibok ng aking puso, na patuloy na nagbibigay ng halaga sa buhay. Tama, meron pang pag-asa…
Paumanhin, masyado lang akong nadala ng mga katanungan at ng mga kasalukyang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Nawa’y manatili tayong maligaya at may pag-asa, sa kabila ng lahat. Magandang pa rin ang bawat araw.
Ang sabi ng isang taong hinahangaan ko, “nothing is permanent in this world, except change.” Tama, lahat nagbabago sa iba’t-ibang dahilan, sa iba’t-ibang paraan, may mga pagbabagong hindi inaasahan, mayroon din namang matagal mo nang inaasam. Mas magandang isipin na lahat ng pagbabago ay nagaganap para sa kabutihan ng lahat, pero nakalulungkot mang tanggapin, may mga pagbabagong nagdudulot lamang ng higit na
pasakit at pagdurusa.
Tama, nakalulula, ang hirap makibagay, ang hirap sumabay. Ang hirap intindihin kung bakit may mga taong nagsisimula ng isang bagay na hindi naman pala kayang panindigan—dala rin ba ito ng pagbabago? Pagbabago ng isip, ng damdamin, ng
saloobin, ng paniniwala. Ang hirap nang magtiwala.
Kung magbago ang lahat tungo sa ikabubuti ng mas nakararami, paano naman akong makasisiguro na mananatiling maayos ang lahat? Hindi ba’t mangyayari pa rin naman ang isa pang pagbabago? Paano akong maniniwala na may pag-ibig na wagas?
Hindi ba’t sa isang saglit lamang ay maaari ring magbago ang lahat?
Darating kaya? Marahil ay darating nga, subalit hanggang kailan mananatili? May tugon kaya? Marahil kung bibigkasin ang tamang katanungan maaaring marining ang kasagutan.
Gaano nga ba tayo makasisiguro na magiging maligaya tayo sa mga bagay at mangyayaring matagal na nating ninanais at inaasam? Paano kung hindi? Sapat na ba ang umasang magbabago rin namang muli ang lahat? Pero paano ang mga bagay na hindi na muli pang maibabalik sa dati? Ang nabasag na banga, ang natuyong rosas, pagtitiwalang nawala, pagkakaibigang nasira…anong uri pa ng pagbabago ang magbabalik nito sa
dating kaanyuan? Tama, hindi na nga ito maibabalik pa, hindi na mababago pa. Ang kailangan dito ay ang pagbabago ng pagtingin sa kasalukuyang kalagayan upang muling maging katanggap-tanggap.
Napakasarap isipin na may takdang panahon para sa lahat ng bagay at pangyayari. Pero sino nga ba ang nagtatakda ng pagdating ng tamang panahon?
Tama, ako man kailangang magbago, sino ba ang hindi? Napakasarap isipin na bahagi ka ng pagbabagong makapagpapabago sa takbo ng buhay. Kasabay ng pagsapit ng bukang liwayway ay ang pananabik, ang ligaya, ang init ng damdamin at pag-asa na ito na marahil ang takdang araw ng pagbangon ng lupang hinirang, isinilang mula sa puso ng karagatan, biniyayaan ng yaman at gandang hinahangaan ninuman, subalit pinag-kaitan ng pagkakataong maka-ahon mula sa kanlungan ng kamusmusan. Kailangang magbago, kailangang matutong tumayo, lumakad, tumakbo…ang mga ibon, natututong lumipad, sino ang hindi hahanga sa ganda ng paruparo na dati-rati’y isang uod na pinandidirihan? Bahagi pa rin ito ng walang hanggang pagbabago. Kasabay ng pagkamulat sa masalimuot na buhay ay ang paglago at pagbabago ng kasisipan, ng paniniwala, ng paninindigan, ng
damdamin, ng saloobin, ng kabuuan ng pagkatao…pahagi ng paglago ang pakikipag-ugnayan, ang pakiki-isa, ang pakikisama.
Dumarating din ang panahon ng paglisan, masakit ang mawalay sa mga tao o bagay na nakasanayan na natin ng laging nandyan. Minsan, naisip ko, sana hindi na lang sila dumating, sana hindi ako nasasaktan. Ngunit ang lahat ay bahagi ng isang realidad na ‘di na maaaring baguhin pa. Isang pagbabago na naman ang kailangan…marahil darating
din ang takdang panahon na mauunawaan ko kung bakit kailangang mangyari ang lahat, marahil magbabago rin ang pagtingin ko sa mga pangyayari at matatanggap ang lahat. Kailan nga kaya? Sino ang magtatakda? Hindi ako, hindi ikaw, hindi sila…
Pag-asa…ito na lang yata ang nalalabing kataga na nagdudulot ng ngiti sa aking mga labi, na patuloy na nagpapatibok ng aking puso, na patuloy na nagbibigay ng halaga sa buhay. Tama, meron pang pag-asa…
Paumanhin, masyado lang akong nadala ng mga katanungan at ng mga kasalukyang nangyayari sa kapaligiran. Nawa’y manatili tayong maligaya at may pag-asa, sa kabila ng lahat. Magandang pa rin ang bawat araw.
Thursday, January 29, 2004
For an Angel who once asked…
“They often say that love is a happy light feeling. But why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?”
I think sometime ago, I wrote a blog with a quote that somehow asks that same question. A year and few days back, I posted this quote from the book what to do with life after high school, “why continue to love when it invariably ends up hurting so incredibly? Because not to love is to die? But isn’t it that to do so also brings the same result? Inside, I know there is a point and that it is the only way to live but the same aching soul asks, “what’s the use?”
Well, it is truly a mystery why we fall in love, how it happens, and when it comes. We cannot understand why some love grows and why some love fails. Sure, we try to analyze and look for reasons and causes; we try to figure out what went wrong. We want to find answers where there are none.
Pero sabi nga eh, just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalties that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways. – gusting-gusto ko ang lines na ito.
Well, siguro, at least once in our life - the gift of love will come. We will take hold of it and celebrate it in an inexpressible joy. Sino ba namang normal na tao ang hindi nangarap na dumating ang araw na ito? Nakakalungkot nga lang kasi kadalasan, love comes and takes hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then TADAN!!! -- it moves on. More often than not, we try to grasp the love and hold unto it, refusing to see that love is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.
Minsan dumarating yun point na yun minamahal natin nag-fall out of love yun bang they feel that the spirit of love is leaving their hearts. Madalas, ang reaction natin is to try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost, rather than to accept the love/relationship for what it was, then move on. Tinatanong natin kung ano ang nagawa natin kaya nagbago ang damdamin nila; minsan, pinipilit natin silang mag-bago para sa atin, o baguhin ang sarili natin para ma-meet ang expectations nila, thinking na sa pamamagitan nito ay maibabalik yun dating pagmamahalan.
Hindi natin matanggap na wala nang iba pang dahilan ang lahat ng ito, kundi ang hiwaga lamang ng pag-ibig (napakagandang salita nito!), sa halip, pilit natin binibigyang dahilan ang lahat. Pero siguro nga tama sila na not until we learn to accept love in its own mysterious ways, we live in a sea of misery.
Nakakatawa, bakit ko ba naisip ang mga bagay na ito? Well dear Angel, not because I’ve never been in that kind of relationship eh I know nothing about it na, remember, we learn not only from our own experience but from others’ as well. Yun iba siguro, out of my own frustrations with the hassles of growing up and falling in love. Perhaps I also have my own share of heartaches, confusions and questions na at a certain point in my life I also tried to justify. Ang dami ko rin mga tanong; meron din taong nag-pagulo ng isip ko tapos, wala lang, gusto ko na lang sanang kalimutan then move on. Pero sabi ko nga sa past blog ko eh, to forget is definitely not a wholesome way in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what we refuse to remember; just as you cannot heal a wound that you failed to notice. Siguro, it’s really more of acceptance. We just have to accept that it happened, ginusto man natin o hindi pero, parang ang dali lang ano? Alam ko mahirap ito, kaya lang yun nga siguro ang dapat. Mas madali sigurong tanggapin ang lahat at matutong magpatawad kung nag-sorry man lang yun tao di ba? Pero paano naman kung ni hindi yata niya alam na nasaktan ka niya o, wala lang siyang paki-alam? Mas mahirap kasi yun you’ve been as honest as possible then all along joke, joke, joke lang pala ang lahat. Parang ayaw mo na tuloy magtiwala sa mga tao. Kanina parang may sense pa ang flow of thoughts ko, ngayon parang wala na.
After every thought, I still end with the same question, if love is really a happy light feeling, why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?
“They often say that love is a happy light feeling. But why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?”
I think sometime ago, I wrote a blog with a quote that somehow asks that same question. A year and few days back, I posted this quote from the book what to do with life after high school, “why continue to love when it invariably ends up hurting so incredibly? Because not to love is to die? But isn’t it that to do so also brings the same result? Inside, I know there is a point and that it is the only way to live but the same aching soul asks, “what’s the use?”
Well, it is truly a mystery why we fall in love, how it happens, and when it comes. We cannot understand why some love grows and why some love fails. Sure, we try to analyze and look for reasons and causes; we try to figure out what went wrong. We want to find answers where there are none.
Pero sabi nga eh, just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalties that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways. – gusting-gusto ko ang lines na ito.
Well, siguro, at least once in our life - the gift of love will come. We will take hold of it and celebrate it in an inexpressible joy. Sino ba namang normal na tao ang hindi nangarap na dumating ang araw na ito? Nakakalungkot nga lang kasi kadalasan, love comes and takes hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then TADAN!!! -- it moves on. More often than not, we try to grasp the love and hold unto it, refusing to see that love is a gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.
Minsan dumarating yun point na yun minamahal natin nag-fall out of love yun bang they feel that the spirit of love is leaving their hearts. Madalas, ang reaction natin is to try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost, rather than to accept the love/relationship for what it was, then move on. Tinatanong natin kung ano ang nagawa natin kaya nagbago ang damdamin nila; minsan, pinipilit natin silang mag-bago para sa atin, o baguhin ang sarili natin para ma-meet ang expectations nila, thinking na sa pamamagitan nito ay maibabalik yun dating pagmamahalan.
Hindi natin matanggap na wala nang iba pang dahilan ang lahat ng ito, kundi ang hiwaga lamang ng pag-ibig (napakagandang salita nito!), sa halip, pilit natin binibigyang dahilan ang lahat. Pero siguro nga tama sila na not until we learn to accept love in its own mysterious ways, we live in a sea of misery.
Nakakatawa, bakit ko ba naisip ang mga bagay na ito? Well dear Angel, not because I’ve never been in that kind of relationship eh I know nothing about it na, remember, we learn not only from our own experience but from others’ as well. Yun iba siguro, out of my own frustrations with the hassles of growing up and falling in love. Perhaps I also have my own share of heartaches, confusions and questions na at a certain point in my life I also tried to justify. Ang dami ko rin mga tanong; meron din taong nag-pagulo ng isip ko tapos, wala lang, gusto ko na lang sanang kalimutan then move on. Pero sabi ko nga sa past blog ko eh, to forget is definitely not a wholesome way in the process of forgiving. You cannot forgive what we refuse to remember; just as you cannot heal a wound that you failed to notice. Siguro, it’s really more of acceptance. We just have to accept that it happened, ginusto man natin o hindi pero, parang ang dali lang ano? Alam ko mahirap ito, kaya lang yun nga siguro ang dapat. Mas madali sigurong tanggapin ang lahat at matutong magpatawad kung nag-sorry man lang yun tao di ba? Pero paano naman kung ni hindi yata niya alam na nasaktan ka niya o, wala lang siyang paki-alam? Mas mahirap kasi yun you’ve been as honest as possible then all along joke, joke, joke lang pala ang lahat. Parang ayaw mo na tuloy magtiwala sa mga tao. Kanina parang may sense pa ang flow of thoughts ko, ngayon parang wala na.
After every thought, I still end with the same question, if love is really a happy light feeling, why is it that sometimes it is inevitable to cry and feel the pain? Is it possible to just not fall in love instead?
Thursday, January 22, 2004
And life goes on…for me. Despite the fact that I applied some ointments before going to bed, I woke up to see last night’s rashes living unpleasant spots on my skin. I don’t know if some insect bit me or it’s another one of those allergy bouts, but insect bites usually just leaves my skin when I use that ointment, so I suspect it’s allergy (to what or where, I don’t know). As much as I’d like to avoid it, I was late again this morning, since I had to pass by the drug store to get me some anti-allergy. One thing I that don’t like when taking that medication is that it makes me feel so sleepy. I really was so sleepy the whole time, even while I am eating my lunch while talking with my friends. I just took a cup of coffee sooner after lunch since I can’t stop my eyes from closing, and tadan! Am awake!
I got the news that my superior’s mom died last night. I am once again reminded that life is just like that. One day you came into this world, then you grow up, you learn things, you meet people, you enjoy, you live, you let live, you smile, you laugh, you weep, you love, you feel indifference, you do many things, you get what you want, you become what you aspired to become, you dream, you go on living, but who knows when all these things would end?
As I’ve always said, everything that happens around me enables me to see things in another light. True I may still have angst and hang-ups from some not so pleasant past, but as days go by and as I become used to life’s realities, I also learn to accept that some things are not really meant to go on as I wish it would.
Maybe I’m in that point in my life when I get a little ounce of courage to go out of my shell and explore the world. But despite that, I still stay the same old me in every manner. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow holds for me. Some events in the past contribute to those factors that make me feel lonely and depressed, but I know I have to move on. As my Angel once said, I just have to get those people who drain me off out of my life. Maybe sometime in the future I would understand why all these have to happen. Maybe everything is just a part of one greater plan for me. I feel so weak, but I know that I have to be strong, that I just have to continue living this life entrusted unto me. Perhaps if not for the faith that I have, I would have long dared to end everything. But I know that life is not in my hands. And so I continue living, trying to figure out not only what this world has to offer for me but also more importantly what I can offer to this world.
I got the news that my superior’s mom died last night. I am once again reminded that life is just like that. One day you came into this world, then you grow up, you learn things, you meet people, you enjoy, you live, you let live, you smile, you laugh, you weep, you love, you feel indifference, you do many things, you get what you want, you become what you aspired to become, you dream, you go on living, but who knows when all these things would end?
As I’ve always said, everything that happens around me enables me to see things in another light. True I may still have angst and hang-ups from some not so pleasant past, but as days go by and as I become used to life’s realities, I also learn to accept that some things are not really meant to go on as I wish it would.
Maybe I’m in that point in my life when I get a little ounce of courage to go out of my shell and explore the world. But despite that, I still stay the same old me in every manner. I honestly don’t know what tomorrow holds for me. Some events in the past contribute to those factors that make me feel lonely and depressed, but I know I have to move on. As my Angel once said, I just have to get those people who drain me off out of my life. Maybe sometime in the future I would understand why all these have to happen. Maybe everything is just a part of one greater plan for me. I feel so weak, but I know that I have to be strong, that I just have to continue living this life entrusted unto me. Perhaps if not for the faith that I have, I would have long dared to end everything. But I know that life is not in my hands. And so I continue living, trying to figure out not only what this world has to offer for me but also more importantly what I can offer to this world.
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Just last night, I was exchanging text messages with a friend. Told him that am busy with work and other concerns but perfectly fine.
Well, that’s true. In my last blog, I was ranting about my past wearies, but during the past days, I learned to see things in a clearer perspective once more. I guess after all, I really should be thankful of things and people around me. I guess writing about things that I feel and think about is just fine, I mean perhaps I was wrong in referring to my rants as “things that I should not be writing anyway.” Writing has always been my outlet—whether I feel happy, sad, confused, excited, in love, or pissed off. I’ve always been more comfortable in expressing my feelings thru pen (or keyboard?) rather than meeting people head-on. As I think I’ve repeatedly said in my past blogs, I hate confrontations because I always end up crying, so I write down what I feel. One good thing is that it gives me the benefit of letting it out without hurting other people’s feelings, and it gives me time to contemplate on issues. And, as always, I more often than not change my feelings towards things after a while—well, after the clouds of sudden emotion clears from my point of view. Well, I finally finished searching the net and typing my younger bros’ project before it’s deadline (well, while the lucky little boy is going around the neighborhood or to his friend’s places on a Christmas break!). I said to myself, “how I wish I was able to do that when I was in high school!” But later on I realized that I used to ask my Ate and her best friend to do my Math projects! Oh, well…is this what they call payback time? Ha ha ha… the latest scoop: the same little bro will one of these days ask me to type another project, again…nearly before it’s submission! Haaay…as if I don’t have an office work to do! Oh, I also ranted on wasting my time thinking about that someone…well, I was just texting him last night! Ha ha ha…it’s my life!
And now, in the tradition of writing my rants…
I started the week all right, I wasn’t late yesterday and I punched in at exactly 10 AM (whew!). But sometime this morning, one of our PCs had hard disk problem so our work was interrupted. Another thing is that my sinusitis attacked again! And yet, there’s another. I don’t know, but as much as I would like to avoid confrontation and instead understand others, I end up being the one who’s confronted. To top it all, I was told that I act as if I am a boss or something. It’s disheartening to hear those words from someone whom you consider as a friend. What’s more worth noting is that perhaps after all, not all those friends of yours knows you anyway—or at least spent sometime in really knowing you and trying to understand you rather than judging you. Someone told me, it isn’t bad to cry—yes, she’s right it isn’t but I don’t want to do it in front of many people for I don’t want to create a scene or something. I have always been contented and happier with an uncomplicated life of being not the center of attention. So, now alone in my room, I let every teardrop fall. I may forever rant about this, I may forever cry it out, but some hurts always leaves scars that are irreparable. It’s good to note that I have few real friends who knew me inside and out. I may forever meet people who will tell me all sorts of harsh blows, but that’s life. It’s worthwhile to underscore that I’ve long ago (as I’ve said in my previous blogs) known that I can’t please everyone at the same time. I guess I have to keep myself reminded of that. My feelings towards the incident may change perhaps, but not my principles in life.
Days, weeks, months will pass…who knows up to where my life would last? I live my life as each day pass—sunny or gloomy…everyday is a time to cherish, with new challenges to face, new things to explore perhaps new horizons to reach across. I know where I’m anchored.
Well, that’s true. In my last blog, I was ranting about my past wearies, but during the past days, I learned to see things in a clearer perspective once more. I guess after all, I really should be thankful of things and people around me. I guess writing about things that I feel and think about is just fine, I mean perhaps I was wrong in referring to my rants as “things that I should not be writing anyway.” Writing has always been my outlet—whether I feel happy, sad, confused, excited, in love, or pissed off. I’ve always been more comfortable in expressing my feelings thru pen (or keyboard?) rather than meeting people head-on. As I think I’ve repeatedly said in my past blogs, I hate confrontations because I always end up crying, so I write down what I feel. One good thing is that it gives me the benefit of letting it out without hurting other people’s feelings, and it gives me time to contemplate on issues. And, as always, I more often than not change my feelings towards things after a while—well, after the clouds of sudden emotion clears from my point of view. Well, I finally finished searching the net and typing my younger bros’ project before it’s deadline (well, while the lucky little boy is going around the neighborhood or to his friend’s places on a Christmas break!). I said to myself, “how I wish I was able to do that when I was in high school!” But later on I realized that I used to ask my Ate and her best friend to do my Math projects! Oh, well…is this what they call payback time? Ha ha ha… the latest scoop: the same little bro will one of these days ask me to type another project, again…nearly before it’s submission! Haaay…as if I don’t have an office work to do! Oh, I also ranted on wasting my time thinking about that someone…well, I was just texting him last night! Ha ha ha…it’s my life!
And now, in the tradition of writing my rants…
I started the week all right, I wasn’t late yesterday and I punched in at exactly 10 AM (whew!). But sometime this morning, one of our PCs had hard disk problem so our work was interrupted. Another thing is that my sinusitis attacked again! And yet, there’s another. I don’t know, but as much as I would like to avoid confrontation and instead understand others, I end up being the one who’s confronted. To top it all, I was told that I act as if I am a boss or something. It’s disheartening to hear those words from someone whom you consider as a friend. What’s more worth noting is that perhaps after all, not all those friends of yours knows you anyway—or at least spent sometime in really knowing you and trying to understand you rather than judging you. Someone told me, it isn’t bad to cry—yes, she’s right it isn’t but I don’t want to do it in front of many people for I don’t want to create a scene or something. I have always been contented and happier with an uncomplicated life of being not the center of attention. So, now alone in my room, I let every teardrop fall. I may forever rant about this, I may forever cry it out, but some hurts always leaves scars that are irreparable. It’s good to note that I have few real friends who knew me inside and out. I may forever meet people who will tell me all sorts of harsh blows, but that’s life. It’s worthwhile to underscore that I’ve long ago (as I’ve said in my previous blogs) known that I can’t please everyone at the same time. I guess I have to keep myself reminded of that. My feelings towards the incident may change perhaps, but not my principles in life.
Days, weeks, months will pass…who knows up to where my life would last? I live my life as each day pass—sunny or gloomy…everyday is a time to cherish, with new challenges to face, new things to explore perhaps new horizons to reach across. I know where I’m anchored.
Monday, January 05, 2004
Who’s leaving all the rants behind? I’ve thought of starting 2004 in a “clean state.” Well, I’ll try to, but with all these—I wonder.
They often say that we should count our blessings, not the misfortunes; count the flowers, not the leaves that fall; but sometimes, I can’t help but ask why some people are so blessed with ways to piss me off. I can’t help but ask myself why am I staying up ‘til dawn trying to write about things that I should not be writing anyway. Why am I wasting my time thinking about someone who gave me nothing but confusion? Why am I missing the benefit of a long and weary-free vacation while the very people who should be doing such are somewhere maybe in the South Pole enjoying the snow? Why does it seem to me that for others, it looks like I am not burdened of doing something? Yes, am born in the month of October, but I am definitely a normal human specie, not an octopus—I only got two hands, not eight. Why do I have to do all these? It’s because I have to, in order to. Sounds confusing, but true.
Can’t write a long blog for now, it’s just that someone urged me to update this blog. Ha ha ha…welcome 2004 grinning like a stray dog.
They often say that we should count our blessings, not the misfortunes; count the flowers, not the leaves that fall; but sometimes, I can’t help but ask why some people are so blessed with ways to piss me off. I can’t help but ask myself why am I staying up ‘til dawn trying to write about things that I should not be writing anyway. Why am I wasting my time thinking about someone who gave me nothing but confusion? Why am I missing the benefit of a long and weary-free vacation while the very people who should be doing such are somewhere maybe in the South Pole enjoying the snow? Why does it seem to me that for others, it looks like I am not burdened of doing something? Yes, am born in the month of October, but I am definitely a normal human specie, not an octopus—I only got two hands, not eight. Why do I have to do all these? It’s because I have to, in order to. Sounds confusing, but true.
Can’t write a long blog for now, it’s just that someone urged me to update this blog. Ha ha ha…welcome 2004 grinning like a stray dog.
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