before i left cebu...

bigla ko naalala yun text ni jena na unang-una kong nabasa at 2:10 am nun December 13 (aga ko nagising dahil 5:00 am flight namin back to Manila). sabi niya, "you can't finish a book without closing its chapters. if you want to move on then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages. love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress; it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing. the greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we could love ourselves." feeling ko malalaglag ang heart ko habang binabasa ko yun dahil ewan ko ba, dahil siguro antok na antok pa ako at pagod kaya ang basa ko sa first word ay "I." at habang binabasa ko yun, may isang taong na inisip kong nag send ng message na yun (yun phone ko kasi at the end of the message mo lang makikita kung kanino galing ang message kapag marami na laman yun inbox mo). iyak na sana ko nun eh kaso lang pag dating sa dulo nakita ko nga galing pala kay pinsan, kaya binasa ko ulit and I realized na "you" ang first word. then I closed my eyes and asked myself bakit ba siya ang naisip ko? ewan, siguro sa subconscious ko yun ang iniisip ko. pero ngayon ito ang naisip ko:

**you can't finish a book without closing its chapters. if you want to move on then you have to leave the past as you turn the pages.** I SAY: closing a chapter doesn't mean forgetting about it; the story isn't complete without its beginning. the present is a continuation of the past. in the learning process, you have to retain information in your memory otherwise ano natutunan mo?

**love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress; it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing.** I SAY: yes!

**the greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go.** I SAY: often, hindi mo alam kung kailan dapat mag let go at kailan dapat mag hold on. bakit? dahil mixed signals ang binibigay sa iyo. pero siguro, kahit mahirap, kahit baka later on pagsisihan mo, just let go. if the other person cannot give you the commitment that you want now, then the most mature and "loving" way to deal with it is for that to totally get out of your life, wala nang kadramahan na I'll be back or I'll search for you when the right time comes. it is not love but self indulgence that keeps a person hanging with you and feeding you with the poisoned sweets of false hopes. that only means na selfish siyang tao at maaaring hindi niya nare-realize na selfishness ang ginagawa niya. simple lang namang usapan yan: gusto mo ng commitment, hindi niya kaya ibigay - anong dahilan? committed na sa iba? ayaw ng isa lang? worst kung married na pala! pero mas malupit kung ayaw lang talaga sa iyo! sabihin na lang kung alin para tapos na usapan! bakit kailangan tapusin na lang? simple lang, dahil lalo ka lang masasaktan habang tumatagal! kailan ba dapat mag hold on? unless siguro tahasan niyang sabihin na gawin mo yun at alam mo at nakikita mong gumagawa siya ng paraan para maayos ang situation. siyempre kung gusto mo talaga, kahit na ano pa hadlang o problema tutulungan mo siyang lampasan na magkasama kayo (masaya kung magkasama di ba?!). ewan, di naman ako expert sa usaping ito noh! basta sa ngayon ito ang naiisip ko.

**we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we could love ourselves.** I SAY: love yourself first, then learn to give out love, then learn to accept love. when it comes to relationships, loving someone is not a feeling but a decision. why? dahil ang feelings walang explanation, basta naramdaman mo lang. hindi kailangan ipaliwanag, hindi kailangan irationalize. you don't enter into a relationship dahil feel mo lang kasi pag ganito, malamang hindi rin magtagal. sabi ko nga, hindi naman ako expert rito pero para sa akin decision ang magmahal at makipagrelasyon sa isang tao. dahil kapag napagdesisyunan mo ang isang bagay, kaya mong panindigan kahit na kaaway mo na buong barangay. hindi mo ginagawa ito dahil feel mo lang kundi dahil alam mong ito ang gusto mo at dito ka maligaya. at bago ka gumawa ng decision, nag-iisip ka muna, nakikiramdam, naninimbang.. dahil ayaw mong magkamali o ayaw mo na magkamali ulit..ayaw mo na masaktan at ayaw mo makasakit. and it is even better to be alone than be with someone who doesn't love you enough.

growing up

hirap naman magkaroon ng competing priorities. pero mas mahirap makipag-compete with other priorities. hehehe.. somehow nagi-guilty ako when i think about the fact na ang dami kong napabayaang commitments dahil sa ibang priorities. minsan i try to justify -- wala naman akong choice kundi gawin o unahin ang mga iyon. sabi ni abigail (the girl who knows everything..uhhh.. okay sige na po a lot of things na lang -- wag ka nang aangal!), hindi raw pwedeng katwiran na wala kang choice. sa bagay, kung iisipin mabuti tama naman si abi. lalo na kung lilimitahan dun sa context kung bakit niya sinabi sa akin yun. naisip ko lang kasi, may choice nga ako. it was actually a choice between continuing to love someone or starting to love one's self more -- i chose the latter. siguro dahil alam ko naman na kasi yun totoo (and am so thankful dahil nalaman ko yun for if not, i might have chosen the former). medyo matagal rin ako nagreflect sa mga nangyari. it was not easy for me. ako kasi yun tipong akala mo mabait pero matigas ang ulo. when i've made up my mind, kahit against all odds kaya ko panindigan kung gugustuhin ko (and i can rattle down a series of logical explanations and justifications and argue with whoever just to show my point) , but at the same time i also try to weigh the pros and cons of things, lalo na kung major decisions. as much as possible kasi ayaw ko magkamali. reason is, matindi pag ako'y nag-guilt trip..ewan, basta madali lang talagang mabagabag ang aking kalooban at lagi akong nakukunsensiya, minsan nga kahit na sa mga bagay na hindi naman dapat dahil hindi ko naman talaga sinadya. kaya rin siguro ganito ko, sabi ko nga sa past blog ko, ang dami kong fears at totoo po iyon. for the longest time, I was afraid of growing up dahil ang daming responsibilities. siguro that's the reason why I often act like a child. pero pag iniisip ko, for fear of growing up, for fear of taking on greater responsibilities, I ended up thinking more like an adult and being totally responsible for myself and all my actions. para sa akin, maturity isn't all about the way you act or talk or carry yourself; it is how you rationally handle situations, come-up with fair and just decisions and be totally responsible for the results of your actions - whether good or bad. and yes, it is okay to make mistakes but maturity lies in the way you accept your shortcomings and do things patch things up. in life, it's not enough that you know a lot of things or have a lot of things; you should know how to be grateful and learn to share. it's not enough that you were able to reach the top; you should be able to reach it na wala kang ginagamit o tinatapakang tao otherwise, wala kang karapatang angkinin na sa iyo ang puwestong kinalalagyan mo. ang totoo, everything is meaningless naman kung hindi ka masaya, or a better word would be maligaya. joy - isa na siguro ito sa pinakamasarap na feeling! hopeful pa rin ako na before the year ends, maaayos ko rin lahat ito at makakabawi rin ako sa mga shortcomings ko. hopefully, I could start the new year with greater resolve and courage to move on. yep, am no longer afraid of growing up because I already am!

series of unfortunate events 1

I still believe in a pattern prepared by the Almighty in this tapestry of life. Sabi nga, everything happens for a purpose, pero mas gusto ko yun verse na "all things work together for good." Why am I writing this? It's because recently, ang daming nangyari na nakaka-inis, nakakasakit ng heart, nakakapagod at nakaka-iyak sa life ko at sa mga taong nakapaligid sa akin. I'll try to write them down here in no particular order..kung ano lang maalala ko kasi medyo matagal na kong hindi nakapag-blog.

SMALL WORLD. Just when I thought this is it, there's no turning back; why do I have to meet (and to a certain extent work with) his kuya?! Janice said, "haha..destiny siguro!" to which I retorted "anong kasalanan ko kay destiny?!" Yep, I did asked why of all people we had to meet, for he just reminded me of the days when I was still close to his bro. They kind of have things in common so I almost had no doubt that they're brothers. Haay..if only Mrs. D know this fact, she wouldn't have told me, "ganun, with that brief encounter ang dami mo na alam sa kanya? Hmm..hmm.." Sumakit tuloy tiyan ko sa katatawa nun gabing ka-text ko siya! Di ko talaga mapigilan matawa nun kasi naman, pagdudahan ba?! hehehe.. Pero siyempre, di na ko nagkwento pa para hindi na humaba ang usapan! Pero okay naman na ko after those first days of questioning why. I guess it's just a way of allowing me to gauge if okay na nga ba ako after those exchanges of words and feelings. Though am still affected, I guess I'm better now.

IT'S NOT FIREWORX BUT A CASE OF ELECTRICAL TROUBLE. The night the typhoon was supposed to hit Metro Manila but swirled to Southern Luzon instead, the T-girls dared to brave against the weather and stormed through one of our fave hangouts, Mocha Blends Matalino. It was nothing, it's just that there was no work the following day and we just want to make tambay and talk or just stare at each other while seated on the sofa - our fave area. Then something sparked outside and nag-fluctuate ang ilaw hanggang tuluyang namatay then there was a boom! Familiar ang tunog na yun sa akin..madalas kong marinig yun sa lugar namin nun maliit pa ko. Late 80's yun at uso ang brownout sa lugar namin dahil madalas sumabog ang transformer ng meralco. Actually, hindi ko alam kung yun nga ba ang tawag sa incident na iyon, basta yun ang naririnig kong sinasabi ng matatanda kapag nawawalan kami ng kuryente. Naisip ko, uso pa pala yun ngayon, at sa commercial place pa! Then there was this flare na parang fountain that came from the electric post at the corner of the street..biglang sumindi yun ilaw parang split second lang tapos namatay na naman. Naglabasan yun mga crew ng coffee shop. May tumakbo sa isang kotse at inilayo sa poste. Then may nagsabi na itawag na raw sa 117. All along, nakupo lang kami nila Abi at Meyps may lighted candle na sa table namin. Wala na talaga pag-asang sumindi ang ilaw. After some minutes, nag-uuwian na mga tao sa shop kaya napilitan na rin kaming umuwi. We went to Philcoa to find another place sana at bumili na rin ng ilang bagay sa mercury drug tsaka internet card. Kaya lang di na kami nagstay ng matagal, we decided to go home na lang kasi lumalakas ang hangin at umuulan na. Sarap ng tulog ko nun kasi ang lamig! Kaya okay na rin kahit na nawalan ng ilaw sa kapihan, at least napa-aga ang uwian at di kami naabutan ng malakas na ulan sa daan!

ALL BECAUSE OF A DINNER. I get bored (and lazy) of routine work so the day that the E.D. assigned me to work on a Department's request, I was kind of excited though at the same time frustrated because it seemed that I have to work on it all by my self. Huh, I thought challenge - and it really was one! Good thing the boss has a lot of connects from all over the place, and presto may activity na kami sa Cebu! But it doesn't mean that working on the task became easy, actually dahil nga may network everywhere si boss the task became more complicated. At one point, I realized that we were faced with co-organizing and coordinating four events in a row (all because of a dinner invitation huh!). Anyway, after sending those letter invites to nine countries, follow-ups and all, no one confirmed. Naisip ko lang kasi, parang they already had four regional meetings this quarter, magdadagdag pa ba naman ng isa?! I mean, think of the schedule and the cost rin naman hindi ba? Anyway, the Director of the other Department said that he'll still submit my 2 bossings' names to the organizers for the guest list and card invites. All along, I still need to coordinate with people in Cebu and UNICEF for the other activity tapos iniwan pa ko ni boss ng isang buong linggo dahil pumunta na Davao. I still remember the look on her face when she made pa-cute and told me "that means, you're on your own!" Good thing there are those people in the office whom I can run to (thanks to Mrs. D, LAU, Tita Chat, Tita Lourd, Cherry Bear and Tita Ric - and Clehenia of course for being my sounding board). At eto yun turning point: December 12 (Tuesday) in the morning we have a back to back activity in Cebu then I have to ensure na makarating ng CICC yun 2 bossing for the dinner then the following day, December 13 (Wednesday) may breakfast Presscon sa Manila. December 11 (Monday) the E.D. and I will leave for Cebu. December 7, PM I asked the Director of the other Department logistical concerns re the participation of the 2 bossings to the dinner; also asked if OP will send card invites as he said in our meetings because to that time we haven't received any for the boss. He said dun na lang daw niya bigay sa akin sa Cebu and he'll check with OP and text me the following day. I thought, "okay, ganun pala arrangement nila, madali naman akong kausap eh no problem." December 8 around an hour past lunch break I got a text from him na di na raw kasali sector namin sa dinner along with the children and elderly. Napaisip pa ako nun, eh di kaya mali siya ng send sa akin kasi he addressed the message to Usec. Bala at Exec. Dir. Laigo. Pero binanggit naman niya yun sector namin sa di ma-accommodate kaya naisip ko di naman siguro siya nagkamali ng text, baka alangan lang ilagay ang pangalan ko sa isang message na ise-send sa group (hehehe..di ko na kasalanan yun kung naiilang ang ibang tao sa pangalan ko!). Anyway, I called him to check if tama ba gets ko (mahirap na magkamali ano!). So ayun, tama ako..nagpaliwanag pa siya ng mahaba, sorry and all pero ang iniisip ko nun mga sandaling yun kung paano ko sasabihin sa boss ko, lalo na dun sa isang nasa Pakistan. Naisip ko rin, ang daya nitong taong ito, ang haba-haba ng explanation eh load ko itong ginagamit ko! After we talked, balik ako sa room namin, tamang-tama andun din si Mrs. D. then I announced in a sad tone na hindi na raw kasama sila boss sa dinner. Siyempre gulat sila dahil alam nila kung gaanong hassle ang dinala sa life namin nun dinner na yun. I just explained na kakausap ko lang dun sa kabilang Department eh ngayon lang din daw sila na-inform ng organizers..hehe..ewan, I just ended up explaining their side though siyempre nalungkot ako run sa news and really, ang sakit sa heart! Kasi po yun ang start ng lahat-lahat tapos biglang ganun na lang yun..wala na rin atrasan yun sa mga in-organize naming activities na sana kung di sila nag-invite for the dinner hindi rin nagulo sked ko at naayos ko ng maaga ang board meeting namin, nakatulong ako sa ibang officers ng EA para magprepare for the agency Christmas party, at maaga ko rin nagawa ang Christmas shopping at nakapagbalot na ko ng gifts. AT sana rin, hindi ko ni-cancel ang appointment ko with my dentist ng biglaan para naalis na ang braces ko at this Christmas retainers na lang ang gamit ko! Amazing how a single decision can actually trigger a chain of harsh effects on others. Sad thing is, it often goes unnoticed simply because hindi naman po kasi sila yun na-hassle at ang laging apektado siyempre yun mga taong gumagawa at sumusunod sa kanila. Am I complaining?! Hindi naman ..hehe.. Marami rin akong natutunan dahil sa pangyayaring ito. Napilitan din akong makipag-deal sa iba't-ibang tao (ahehe.. wa care kahit sino kausap dahil I've got to keep going!). I met new people, took on a new perspective and got an invite for another dinner! Hahahaha.. hindi naman ako pupunta run!

A Fool 'til the End

Update: I recently found a link on youtube that features this song, so here it is:

Before you go away to the one you do belong

So glad we met and you stayed, though it wasn't very long

Was it only just a dream? It's over now, it seems

If there were no goodbyes, would you say that you still care?

I won't believe my eyes when I see you won't be there.

'Coz this love's so hard to find, now you're leavin' me behind...Ohh please...

Show me and tell me, how do you put this love aside

Put it away for another time, with no guarantee that you'll be mine

A fool I am it seems, 'coz I'll be lovin' you in my dreams

Until I wake up and then, time ain't our friend; I'll just stay a fool 'til the end

If it only was a game, why do you have to fool my heart

Oh boy [girl] ain't it a shame that we promised from the start

That our love was here to stay for each and everyday

If I had only known, if I didn't have to care

Then being all alone, wouldn't be so hard to bear

This love's so hard to find, that were leavin' here behind...Ohh please...

Show me and tell me, how do you put this love aside

And put it away for another time, with no guarantee that you'll be mine

A fool I am it seems, coz' I'll be lovin' you in my dreams

Until I wake up and then, time ain't our friend; I'll just stay a fool 'til the end

I maybe overacting, I know I must stay strong

But you pulled the string too hard, and now we're goin' on our own...

Show me and tell me, how do you put this love aside

Put it away for another time, with no guarantee that you'll be mine

A fool I am it seems, coz' I'll be lovin' you in my dreams

Until I wake up and then, time ain't our friend; I'll just stay a fool 'til the end...

...I'll just stay a fool 'til the end...

This song definitely strikes my heart. It simply describes what I've been going through the past months. To the person who is the reason behind all these foolishness (who incidentally was born on this day many years ago): I don't even know why you came, and why you're suddenly leaving. It might have been all along, just a game for you...I really don't know; but as for me, I sincerely loved, and maybe, I will always love you. 

sometimes, life's full of boredom!!!!

haaaay....that's what i said when.....wala akong masabi....kasi bored ako.....am so bored that i cannot even think of something to say....

hirap naman nito. kung kailan naman nagdecide ka na to make that turn meron na naman mangyayaring ganito. haha.. extreme challenge talaga ito!

teka, gabi na pala! baka iwanan ako ng kasabay ko nito! pack-up na muna ko, tsaka ko na lang itutuloy..basta sa ngayon, nahihirapan po ako. hehe..di lang halata yun! galing ako magpretend na di affected eh..no reaction ba.. pero haaay.. whatever!

shame naman, para kong high nito, kung anu-ano sinasabi ko. layas na nga ako!

para kina pixie at angel biatch, ‘nay racs, amelita at sa kanya..

kung minsan iniisip ko kung alin ba talaga mas gusto ko -- malamig o mainit? ewan. di ko alam. ang alam ko lang, masarap magpalamig pag mainit at masarap magpainit pag malamig. pero di ko alam kung bakit gloomy ang dating sa akin kapag malamig -- pang-senti mode kung baga, very conducive para magdrama, lalo na pag mag-isa ka. masarap talaga magbalik-tanaw sa mga panahong kasama mo yun mga taong naging mahalagang bahagi ng buhay mo. napapangiti pa rin akong mag-isa pag naaalala ko yun mga pagkakataong yun -- kulitan, daldalan, asaran, away-bati, pasyal, lakad, kain, inom, pa-cute sa picture, at kung anu-ano pa. pero bigla ka na lang malulungkot pag naisip mong wala na yun mga taong kasama mo o kaya malayo na -- nakaka-miss. ewan, mas nakakalungkot kapag ganitong malamig ang panahon. pero tama, kailangan din mag-move on. bilib talaga ko sa’yo...sana dumating ang araw na magkaroon din ako ng lakas ng loob tulad mo. ewan, ang dami ko kasing kinatatakutan. pero sa mga huling taon na lumipas, naisip ko lang na kahit anong ingat o kahit na anong iwas mo, yun mga bagay at pangyayaring ayaw mo, nangyayari pa rin sa’yo..parang doble pa nga impact kasi iniwasan mo na nga ganun din pala resulta. minsan naisip ko na rin lumayo sa lahat ng bagay, lugar at taong nagpapaalala sa akin ng lahat. ewan, naguguluhan pa rin ako..pero iniisip ko na talagang gawin yon. sana talaga..

bakit nga ba minsan ang sarap mang-inis ng mga kaibigan? bakit nga ba minsan kung alin yun binabawal tayong gawin yun ang lalo natin ginagawa dahil natutuwa (o natatawa?) tayo sa reaksyon ng mga kaibigan natin? siguro dahil napapatunayan natin na concerned talaga sila sa atin. tama, sarap ng may kaibigan kasi they keep your feet planted para hindi ka masyadong matangay ng mga pangyayari. o kaya, wala lang, masarap lang talagang mang-asar. pero aminin din natin na minsan naman ginagawa natin yun kasi gusto talaga natin at wala tayong paki-alam kahit na sabunutan at buhusan tayo ng malamig na tubig ng ating mga friends para matauhan. minsan, mahirap na i-distinguish kung alin ang alin. minsan may mga taong inaayawan ng mga kaibigan natin pero gusto natin. ewan, siguro kasi we see something in these people na hindi naa-appreciate ng mga friends natin simply because they are not us. kahit naman kasi gaano tayo kalapit sa mga kaibigan natin, meron pa rin tayong mga pananaw na di tulad ng kanila, meron pa ring individual biases. meron pa rin tayong pinanggagalingan na hindi nila lubusang naiintindihan dahil hindi naman nila pinagdaanan lahat ng mga nangyari sa buhay natin, dahil hindi tayo sila. basta, tiwala naman ako sa’yo..i may be cuter than you (ngyarks, kapal ko noh?!) pero lam ko mas matured ka naman..at mas choosy (haha!). at tungkol sa taong aalis na..please do find time to meet and talk with him. tama ka, he’s nice and i also like him as a person -- especially yun honesty and sincerity. girl, countries is much, much farther than islands away!

‘nay racs, hapi b-day (nov. 15). sensya na, windang ako nun araw ng birthday mo eh di na kita nabati! amelita, kaarawan na naman ni big bird ah! ano kaya feeling ng 32 years old na ‘di pa rin tinutubuan ng buhok sa bunbunan?! pero balita ko big time na ata yun huh?! hehe..dati na naman malaking tao yun hindi ba?!

sori, tinanong ko lang naman ‘yon..ano man yun gusto ko pa sanang sabihin, sasarilinin ko na lang. marunong naman akong tumupad sa usapan.

Here, am almost done reorganizing my little room! Whew! It always take me time to organize like this because I kinda have a hard time sorting out which item shall I keep and which to give away or throw away. Right now, am glad to look at all my books, mags and other stuff neatly lined up in the shelf! Still have to organize other things though, like those accessories, knick knacks and cds. Di ko pa natapos kasi I washed my clothes kanina eh..tapos nito, plantsa naman! Whew!

Nakita ko na yun old journal na hinahanap ko, tinago ko na kasama nun isa pa..pero what surprised me was that meron pa akong nakitang isang small notebook which turned out to be another journal! Ewan, hindi ko na natandaan na nag-eexist itong isang ito kasi most of my thoughts regarding the one am talking about in the journal ay nasa isang blogspot ko. Anyway, siguro ito yun mga bagay-bagay na ayaw ko naman ilagay sa web. The first entry was December 29, 2004. Halos two years na. Suddenly, para lang akong binatukan..parang I can hear the grown up me saying, “hey, wake up girl!! Open your eyes and stop dreaming! Don’t you think you’re wasting your time and effort?!” Ouch! Okay, fine. Malay ko ba. Hindi ko naman alam eh! Ngayon alam ko na. Ouch pa rin! Hindi ko na alam kung alin ang masakit..heart ba or ego? Pareho siguro. Kasi feeling ko niloko ko eh..feeling? Mali, hindi lang feeling yun, totoo yun. It’s sad to think na all along you’ve been honest and transparent tapos yun taong pinagkatiwalaan mo all the while is hiding something from you..something na kung sana hindi niya tinago hindi ka feeling stupid ngayon. What if hindi ko nalaman yun? The point is, intentional ba yun paglilihim niya..bakit kailangan na accidentally ko pa malaman yun? That’s just so unfair! Sa bagay, this world is so unfair naman talaga, so why should I expect? Bad trip lang ako! Gusto ko nga itapon yun notebook eh kaso naisip ko, not yet..hindi muna..magandang pang-gising ito kapag nasa senti mode na naman ako. Nalungkot na naman tuloy ako kanina..pero naisip ko, tapos na yun eh. Sabi nga ni lola Auch, “though it hurts like hell, no one dies of a broken heart; like all things, that too will come to pass.” Looking back, and reading through my blogspot and my journal, hindi naman ganun karami yun happy moments na naaalala ko..mas marami ata yun missing and longing and wishing and hoping. Perhaps I’ve been smitten all along kaya hindi ko iniintindi yun. Haay…and they think that I live an easy life?? I dare say no, I don’t! I never did.

Kakatawa, October 19 na dami pa rin bumabati sa akin sa opisina! Yun iba kasi akala wala ako kahapon dahil birthday ko, kasi nga entitled kami na mag birthday leave. Natuwa naman ako sa mga ka-division ko sa opis kasi nagprepare sila ng lunch salu-salo para sa amin ni tita Chat! Grabe, nabusog na naman ako!! hehehe.. Para kina Tita Miriam at Ms. Miyen na walang friendster, salamat po sa gift (na hindi nilagyan ng label na vibrator)!! Salamat rin kay Tita Dez na bihira magbukas ng friendster! At Siyempre, salamat sa aking mga kasamahan na nagprepare para sa kainan.. Tita Loren (da best talaga cake ni Tita Dolly!!), Auie, Meyps, Lowlah Maecel, Bongkenobi, Tita Lourd, Tita Miriam, Ms. Miyen… tenk you, tenk you!!

27th birthday

Birthday ko pa rin! Ayon sa aking NSO-authenticated certificate of live birth, 18 October 1979, 11:35 am ako isinilang. Salamat po sa lahat ng bumati, pati sa mga taong ‘di ko naman ini-expect na babatiin ako!

Dalawang bagay ang narealize ko sa mga nangyari ngayong birthday ko. Una, 27 na pala ako! Naalala ko nun teenager pa ko, iniisip ko na matanda na pag lagpas ng 25. Feeling ko ang tagal pa nun kasi nga teenager lang ako. Kaya lang, parang ang bilis lang ng panahon! Am already 2 years past 25 and feeling ko, hindi pa rin ako matanda. Ewan, baka sa isip ko lang yun..but this thing lead me to my second realization.

Ang dami ko pa rin hindi alam at ang dami ko pang gustong gawin sa buhay ko. Marami kasing bagay na hindi ko naman pinagtuunan ng pansin noon at lately lang ako nagkakaroon ng interest. Siguro kung papalitan ko ng pangalan itong blog ko, hihiramin ko yun pangalan ng blog ni John Paul: Late bloomer. Marami kasing mga bagay-bagay sa paligid na sa tingin ko, masyado akong naïve.

Ilang ulit na rin ako muntik mapahamak dahil rito pero mabait lang talaga sa’kin si Lord kaya am always spared from the devil (hehehe..). Hindi ko na rin inaway o sinaktan yun mga nanggulang o nag-trip sa’kin..naisip ko lang, bahala na si Lord sa kanila. True enough, medyo nagdaraan lang naman sila sa mga paghihirap sa buhay..ayaw kong isipin na kasalanan ko yun kasi hindi naman ako nag-wish ng di maganda for them (except for one, na out of childishness ko lang naman sinabi and nun nagkatotoo, my conscience bothered me so much that I actually prayed for him for a year ‘til he passed that exam!). It’s not that I think am the one responsible for what happened, concerned lang din ako dun sa taong yun and nalungkot rin ako when I learned that he failed. Anyway, tapos na yun and am more careful now sa mga sinasabi ko (unless am really provoked at nataon na bad trip talaga ko!).

Then there come topics like sex. I’ve learned the basics sa school – how human beings procreate sa biology class nun high school and college; and even sa theology and sociology classes nun college (may theology kasi USTe ako nag-aral eh). It’s just that, the basics pero kanina, lumabas na naman pagiging inosente ko. Dahil nga birthday ko, nagprepare ng surprise gift yun friends ko (whom I need not name here dahil kilala naman nila mga sarili nila). Pina-abot nila sa isang officemate ko, nakabalot sa brown envelope. Dahil sobrang taas ng emotional quotient ko, dinala ko agad sa module ko at tiningnan kung ano yun laman. Pagbukas ko nun envelope nakita ko yun gift nila, kulay white na parang tube, around a foot ang haba, naka-plastic siya na transparent at nakabalot sa booklet na parang users’ manual. Nun binaligtad ko, nabasa ko yun label, “VIBRATOR.”

Nagsalubong na naman kilay ko at napakunot ang noo, “Huh?! Ano to?!” 

Tiningnan ko ulit yun label, tama naman ang basa ko, vibrator talaga nakasulat..meron pang mga sinasabi something like enjoy sex, use with or without partner, etc. Parang gusto kong magtago sa ilalim ng module ko (kaso di pwede, di ako kasya run eh!) sa shock!

“Bakit naman ganito binigay nila sa’kin? Anong gagawin ko rito? Ayaw ko nito!!!” kung anu-ano naisip ko, parang gusto ko na maiyak.

Text ako sa nagbigay, ask ko kung ano ba yun..sagot lang niya basta, buksan mo na ngayon. Then di talaga ko mapakali, tinawagan ko sa intercom..tawa lang nang tawa tapos sabi bababa siya sa room namin.

Dahil nga inaaway ko siya at sinasabi kong ayaw ko nun, habang lalo naman niya akong inaasar, na-curious tuloy yun mga kasama ko sa room at lahat sila nakatingin na sa amin at gusto nang buksan yun envelope (tinago ko kasi ulit yun sa loob ng envelope dahil baka may makakita). Di ko na alam kung ano yun mga nangyari kasi sobrang hiyang-hiya ako..basta nagtatawanan sila dahil nga nakalagay sa label vibrator tapos kanya-kanya silang comment like masyadong mahaba, bakit may kurdon at de-kuryente, etc. Then they finally opened the plastic bag and tore off the label tapos sabi nun isa sa akin “tange, pang-plantsa ng buhok yan oh!” Then they all burst out into roars of laughter!!! Feeling ko, na-drain lahat ng dugo ko nun mga oras na yun..parang talo ko pa ang nabiktima ng practical joke shows in nationwide tv like Yari Ka of Michael V or WoW Mali of Joey de Leon. Malay ko ba naman na hindi ganun yun itsura ng tunay na vibrator!!! Eh yun ang nakalagay na label eh.

Haay..loko yun mga yun ah! Pero gerls, salamat sa regalo..hehe..may mapaglilibangan ako pag walang magawa at bad trip ako sa hair ko. But for now, nagkakasundo pa kami ng buhok ko kasi matino pa siyang tingnan at konting suklay lang ayos na! Pero tuwa talaga ko run sa gift niyo (kasi hindi vibrator)!!!

Halimbawa lang naman yan ng mga bagay-bagay sa daigdig na hindi ko nalalaman. Pero in fairness, matured naman ako mag-isip pag dating sa ibang bagay – actually when it comes to more serious matters. Mukha lang siguro kong bata mag-inarte at magsalita pero seryoso naman akong mag-isip. Ewan, yun iba kasi galing ng packaging eh – todo poise at vigor magsalita pero pag inintindi ko kung ano sinasabi at ginagawa wala rin naman. Susme, nasa grade school pa lang ako alam ko nang maraming ganitong nilalang sa mundo! True enough, kahit saan nga meron mga ganitong tao. Sad to say, may dating pa rin talaga sa tao ang packaging (yeah, just consider that vibrator incident!) – kaya for many people, am just that innocent little girl na may pagka bratinela at walang pinuproblema at iniintindi sa buhay. Haay..if only they knew.. Kung seseryosohin ko lahat ng bagay at pangyayari sa paligid ko, baka di ko kayanin men! It’s either magmukha lang akong matanda o maging bitter ako sa mundo.. kaya I’m like this. Gusto ko kasi cute pa rin ako at ayaw ko naman maging bitter sa mundo..mawala na lahat ng virtues sa akin wag lang faith, hope and love. Come to think of it, everything else springs from these three.

At 27, marami pa rin akong gustong gawin sa life ko – things that I want to do for myself and not for anyone else. For the next 18 to 20 months, may commitment pa rin ako na gusto kong tapusin. After that, I can go on with my plans. I still want to go back to school; travel (whether alone or with someone); learn things like driving or playing a musical instrument; buy the things that I want (though I don’t need them that much); learn to love all over again.

It seems like by then pa lang magsisimula ang life ko. By then, I’ll be almost 29..for sure marami na akong kinaiinisang tao nun dahil sinasabihan akong mag-asawa na ko and all those sort of lines (ngayon pa lang nga medyo dumadami na sila eh!!). Pero as usual, tatawa na lang ako. Hindi rin naman kasi ganun kadali ang mag-asawa at magkaroon ng pamilya. There are a lot of things na dapat i-consider, hindi yun basta makapag-asawa lang. Pag dating sa ganitong usapan, hindi ako isip bata. Kahit nun teenage years ko, alam kong complicated thing ito kaya hindi rin ako basta pumapasok sa isang relationship. Seryoso ko rin inaral yun subject ko na marriage and the family (haha..binasa ko talaga yun family code noon) at siyempre nakikinig ako sa mga tips ng mga prof. at iba pang elderly people. Basta, bahala na sila kung ano sabihin nila! Ang mahalaga lang naman, wala akong niloloko, ginugulangan o ginagamit na tao. Most fulfilling pa rin yun at the end of the day meron kang peace of mind.

Twenty-seven is just two years past the quarter of a century. God willing, I’ll still leave through the second quarter or even beyond. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng gawin at matutunan. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng puntahan. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng makita at makilala. Marami pa rin akong pwedeng isulat. Sa ngayon, tutuldukan ko muna ang mga talang ito sa araw ng aking pagsilang. Sa muling pagkakataon, salamat sa mga kaibigan na bumati sa akin ng maligayang kaarawan!! Happy naman ako!

on courage and cowardice

often, we avoid the things of which we are afraid of because we think that there would be terrible consequences if we confront them. but more often, the really terrible consequence comes from avoiding the things that we need to face because we fail -- to learn, to grow, and to make a better person out of ourselves.

Wait Forever (Gary V.)

Standing on the great divide I feel the sudden need to fly

Underneath the open sky and the river down below

I could keep on running down

I could keep on cheating death and yet somehow

It all ends up the same and I don’t want to be the one who’s blamed

Can you see that i don’t really have a choice at all

If only for a taste flight; I’d gladly take the fall

So, I say I love you

I don’t wanna wait forever just to say, I need you

Doesn't even have to matter; if it really matter anything to you

I’d gladly take this ride as long as you are there on the other side

Not making sense at all of making sense of it all

So while i can, I’ll take the chance, I’m diving in

If it need be, i would die – to feel alive again

So, I say I love you

I don’t wanna wait forever just to say, I need you

Doesn't even have to matter; when I say I love you, yeah yeah

I’m falling like I've never done so before

I’m flying against the wind and here i go

So, I say I love you; 

I don’t wanna wait forever just to say, I need you 

I don’t wanna wait forever, no, oh oh (i say i love you)

So, while I can I’ll take the chance

So, I’ll say, I need you; doesn't even have to matter when i say…

I love you so (I love you), I need you

It doesn't really matter (no, it doesn't really matter)

If it really matters anything to you

I love you…

Did It Ever? In Another Lifetime, Even For A While

These songs from Gary V's album Relevance just make me teary-eyed **sniffs**

Did It Ever

Did it ever matter to you that I lost everything in this vain pursuit of finding you?

Did it ever come to you that I’d do anything just to find a way to be with you?

I've tried so hard to believe everything you said, though I know that they were only lies

Never should I ever have closed my eyes; But now you’re trying to slowly bring me down

Maybe you've been lying with all the words you said about..

Believing in things like magic and all that stuff

And now I know in real life true love is always enough

Oh baby, no please, don’t let it end this way

Perhaps you’d see how much I need you to stay

Did you ever comprehend that I can only wait for this to end but not until it’s too late?

Oh, did you ever realize all that I've been through; all those things that I've sacrificed all for love for you?

I should have known before; I never should have asked for more

But if I could only make you see, all I wanted was for you to be here with me

But now you’re trying to slowly bring me down; maybe you’ve been lying with all the words you said about..

Believing in things like magic and all that stuff

And now I know in real life true love is always enough

Oh baby, no please, don’t let it end this way

Perhaps you’d see how much I need you to stay

Even for a while

Why do hearts feel the way they do

Why does mine wanna say that I love you

‘Til the end of time; ‘til I lose my mind

‘Til it’s over and left so far behind

I just can’t keep it all inside

So unbelievable how much I’ve tried

Yet I call for you; I long for you

And I say the words I wish you’d want to hear

Though you’re never near

Our hearts and though they beat as one

But time, the time for us will never come

So I, just go on and just remember

Those eyes that look right through my heart

The smile that shows what’s in you

That makes me wanna cry

‘Cause I know I’ll never have you even for a while

Now all is said and done it seems

I keep remembering what I would call a dream

Where you came true for a minute or two

That was all the time it took to make me know you had to go

Our hearts and though they beat as one

But time, the time for us will never come

So I, just go on and just remember

Those eyes that look right through my heart

The smile that shows what’s in you

That makes me wanna cry

‘Cause I know I’ll never have you

And I know I’ll never have you

Even for a while

In another lifetime

I could hold on for a hundred years

When all else is gone, I would still be here

In a memory of things yet unseen

I’d remember all that we've never been

And I cannot wait to see

What life has in store for me

In another lifetime, it would be forever

In another world where you and I could be together

In another set of chances I’d take the one’s I've missed and

make you mine if only for a time my life would matter

In another life

And I’d stay as strong and I’d stay as true

And you’d have forever now to think it through

‘Coz I do believe what wasn't meant to be

Wasn't meant for now and someday you’ll see

In a place and time we never knew

I’d be standing there waiting for you

In another lifetime, it would be forever

In another world where you and I could be together

In another set of chances I’d take the one’s I've missed and

make you mine if only for a time my life would matter

In another life

You would be mine

But until that time is now, I’d be holding on somehow

In another lifetime, it would be forever

In another world where you and I could be together

In another set of chances I’d take the one’s I've missed and

make you mine if only for a time my life would matter

But until that time, I’ll be holding on to forever

Until another life

thank you for the music!

thank you for the gift of music!
thank you for the moment of serenity!
thank you for allowing me to work peacefully!
thank you sa relevance ni gary v!
thank you kasi tahimik sa room except sa playing CD..at ewan kung conscious siya o hindi, pero sinasabayan na nitong kasama ko yun mga songs CD! hehehe... better to hear that than a litany of a lot of things (***sighs***).
dami ko sana gustong sabihin kaya lang wala pa kong time sumulat. ever notice na puro lines to share ang posts ko lately?
hmmm...sana pwede akong mag-leave ng matagal! hehe..just wanna get lost somewhere. wishful thinking..pwede kaya birthday leave ng one week?!

music trip: relevance

busy...busy...busy...listening to relevance...busy...busy...busy

can't you see that i don't really have a choice at all? if only for the taste of flight, i'd gladly take the fall...

busy? shake it off baby! hehehe...

haaay...you gave me reason you're all i need...you'll always be here in my heart endlessly...you gave me reason to live...

...our hearts and though they beat as one, the the time for us will never come so i just go on and just remember those eyes that look right through my eyes...

....and i can't wait to see what life has in store for me..in another lifetime forever..in another world where you and i can be together..in another set of chances, i'll take the ones i missed and make you mine..if only for a while my life would matter in another life...coz i do believe what's not meant to be wasn't meant for no...

ay-yay-ay! wala, music trip lang! i love you talaga gary v!!!

The test of our secure being, of our connectedness, is the capacity to enjoy being alone. The person whose relationships are not compulsive is one who values his or her own company. It is easier to be comfortable with a self that is capable of creating satisfying attachments to life. We then welcome periods of solitude where we can exercise and express that self -- both in the real world and in imagination. We can take pride in a self-sustenance which, while never total, can withstand many pressures. This self-sustenance also serves as the bulwark for our relationships.

-- Stanton Peele, Love and Addiction

response to a comment on dependency

Because there is a fine line between love and addiction. Halimbawa, I love drinking coca cola..gusto ko laging gawin yun. Everytime that an opportunity to drink presents it self, I'd drink. There are times when I'll go out of my way just to satisfy my craving, like magpaalam kay manong guard at bumili sa mga tindahan sa arias o barcastigue. But I also know when to stop. Alam ko kung kailan hindi pwedeng uminom kasi sasakit ang tiyan ko. Somehow that's keeping a healthy (though..oo na nga, unhealthy naman talaga ang coke! pero sample lang naman ito) level of love for something. Pero when it comes to a point that the craving start to control me rather than me controlling it, addiction na yun! I become dependent on that substance..I always crave to ingest it kahit hindi dapat.

"Sometimes, we start out as independent and end up dependent - emotionally, psychologically, socially. We tend to seek the other person when we're sad, mad, happy, and/or going through a phase."  I know that happens. There was a time when I felt somewhat like that for someone. Kahit depressed ako sa mga nangyayari sa life ko when I'm with him or talking with him parang okay lang lahat. Ewan, I can't even explain why it was like that. Minsan nga kahit am in the middle of some urgent task and stressful ang paligid ko, pag nagtext siya..I can't help but smile, kahit na before that text eh magkasalubong na kilay ko o kaya gusto ko na mangbato ng libro! But that WAS before. Ewan ko again, it just came to a point na he walked out of my life -- ganun lang. And yes, mahirap yun..siyempre, nasanay ka na anjan lang siya eh. I realized that somehow naging dependent rin ako sa taong yun.

"Bakit nga ba kailangan may kasama?" yeah, no man (or woman) is an island -- we need fellowship with our brethren. We have our family, our friends, our colleagues and people we meet everyday. Then there comes a time when we search for someone who could be our lifetime partner, someone with whom we envision dreams of a shared future. Minsan you enter into a relationship with someone, thinking na baka siya na yun hinahanap mo..pero minsan it fails -- pwedeng you just both realized na hindi pala kayo dapat o kaya naman it's just one party. In the latter case, masakit yun for the other party di ba?! Gulo talaga ng usapang lablayp ateng! At lalo pang gumulo ngayon dahil maraming taong ang trip ay open relationships o kaya no commitments (plainly, sex lang). They can just do what they want and sana sila-sila na lang..bad trip lang kasi when you meet one of those people then later kapag medyo like-like mo na eh malalaman mo na s/he's one of them! On one hand, pitfall rin siguro yun when you harbor on assumptions that are not validated by clear expressions of intentions (ngyahk..puro syons! parang polyusyon..nakakalason!). Yan na nga ba kasi eh..sinabi ng the best thing that you can do with your lips is not to kiss but to communicate! ahehe.. Pero paano ka makikipag-communicate kung ayaw makinig nun kausap mo? hmmm.. pitikin mo sa ilong! hehe.. Eh paano kung ikaw lang nagsasalita tapos ayaw naman niyang magsalita o magsabi kung anong nararamdaman/iniisip niya? sigurado ka bang hindi siya pipi o bingi? hindi naman? hmm.. baka shy lang? hindi rin? hmm.. puno ng pagkain ang bibig? hindi rin? subukan mong ihulog sa pool na malalim, baka sakaling sumigaw ng help! oh, at least napagsalita mo di ba?!

Teka, puro kalokohan na naman pinagsususulat ko rito eh (sensya, wala ako sa sarili eh!) ang masasabi ko lang sa'yo friend, mag-schedule tayo ng spa session with the t-girls! O kaya the gud ol days of bashing session..bwahahahaha...AT sya nga pala, yun matagal na natin plan to talk..argh! grabe, di ko na matandaan when was the last time that we did talk!! We're too near and yet were separated by our priorities..hmp! priorities nga ba..or wala lang tayong choice? whatever ateng! basta, naku noh, marami pang ibang paraan para mawala ang stress..healthy at safe pa!

success is not the key to happiness. happiness is the key to success. if you love what you are doing, you will be sucessful. - albert schweitzer

you can't substitute material things for love or for gentleness or for tenderness or for a sense of comradeship. - tuesdays with morrie

there are a lot of things more important than money, like creating memories together, sharing a life, holding hands while walking barefoot in the sand, just cuddling up in bed and allowing time to simply pass the two of you by. - from "a letter"

hindi ko na kayang masaktan pa...

Love Story in Harvard. Hindi naman talaga ako mahilig manood ng TV but I find this one interesting (like attic cat and full house) so I watch it whenever I catch it. Okay rin ang song na ginamit ng GMA para sa story...

Hindi Ko Na Kayang Masaktan Pa
Love Story in Harvard OST
Ogie Alcasid & Regine Velasquez
 
Regine:
Pinilit kong pigilin ang aking damdamin..
pagkat ika'y di na dapat pang ibigin
ikaw pala'y mayroong ibang minamahal
habang ako'y sa'ting pagmamahalan lang sumugal

Ogie:
Akala mo ito'y malayo sa katotohanan
at ang puso mo'y nakalaan para sa akin lamang
bulong ng aking isip ay wag kang magtiwala
sigaw nang puso mo'y wag umasa sa maling akala

Regine:
Hindi ko na kayang masaktan pa
hindi na maari pang ako'y gamitin na
isang sunud-sunuran sa iyong mga kagustuhan
at halos ang lahat ay ibigay ko na

Ogie:
Hindi ko na mapapayagan pa
ang puso mo'y paglaruan ng puso kong gahaman
ako'y iyong palayain at 'wag mo ng ibigin
hindi ko na makakaya ang masaktan ka

Regine:
'wag mo na sanang patagalin
'wag mo na akong linlangin

Regine & Ogie:
pagdurusang ito'y hindi na makakaya

Regine:
Hindi ko na kayang masaktan pa (hindi makakaya)
hindi na maari pang ako'y gamitin na
isang sunud-sunuran sa iyong mga kagustuhan (isang sunud-sunuran)
at halos ang lahat ay ibigay ko na

Ogie:
oohh… Hindi ko na mapapayagan pa (hindi ko na kaya)
ang puso mo'y paglaruan ng puso kong gahaman
ako'y iyong palayain at 'wag mo ng ibigin (ako'y iyong palayain)

Regine & Ogie:
hindi ko na makakaya ang masaktan ka..aahh..

on letting go

To Let Go doesn't mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.

To Let Go is not to cut myself off; it's the realization that I can't control another.

To Let Go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To Let Go is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To Let Go is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.

To Let Go is not to care for, but to care about.

To Let Go is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To Let Go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To Let Go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To Let Go is not to be protective; it is to permit another to face reality.

To Let Go is not to deny, but to accept.

To Let Go is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To Let Go is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes, and to cherish myself in it.

To Let Go is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To Let Go is to fear less and to love more.

I browsed through this article while net surfing. It’s from one of the threads of recovery resources online. The author wasn’t named though.

Dependency

Dependency may appear to be love because it is a force that causes people to fiercely attach themselves to one another. But in actuality it is not love; it is a form of antilove. It has its genesis in a parental failure to love and it perpetuates the failure. It seeks to receive rather than to give. It nourishes infantilism rather than growth. It works to trap and constrict rather than to liberate. Ultimately it destroys rather than builds people.

--m. scott peck, the road less travelled

wanted: closure

Ang tagal ko nang di nag-post ng developments sa blog na ito. I wonder, kung tinuluy-tuloy ko kaya ang pagsulat rito..naiwasan ko kayang mangyari ang lahat ng nangyari? CLOSURE. Paano?

Separate Lives

Pinahiram ako ni Lola Maecel ng CD na The Art of Letting Go at ito ang pinakikinggan ko ngayon. May naalala lang ako sa kantang “separate lives.” Way back in college, sa typing class, our Prof. asked us to type our favorite song at ito yun ginawa ng seatmate ko. Sabi ko, “ang sad naman nun.”

You called me from the room in your hotel
all full of romance for someone that you've met
and telling me how sorry you were
leaving so soon, and that you miss me sometimes
when you're alone in your room
Do I feel lonely to?

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind
We can't go on, holding on to ties
So for now we'll going on living separate lives

Well I held on, to let you go
and if you lost your love for me
you never let it show, oh no
there's no way to compromise
so now we're living separate lives


Ooh, it's so typical, love leads to isolation
so you build that wall, yes you build that wall
and you make it stronger

You have no right to ask me how I feel
You have no right to speak to me so kind


Someday I might find myself looking in your eyes
But for now we'll go on living separate lives
Yes for now we'll go on living separate lives
“for now we’ll go on living separate lives.”

…three days after turning 18, he took his own life :_(

Through It All

Been crying...memories of the past dance to and fro in my mind...pieces of my broken heart are thrown all over the timeless bounds of dreams...then hey, this touched me..

You are forever in my life
You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness

And I look to You
And I wait on You

I'll sing to You Lord
A hymn of Love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hmm...feeling better..i guess so..naubos na ata tears from my eyes..hehe..life goes on..and on..

Sabi nun nag-preach kanina maraming tao ang nagsasabing mahirap sundin yun mga sinasabi sa bible..halimbawa yun 'love your enemies'. Ma-pride raw kasi ang mga tao; mas gusto gumanti kesa mag-kiss and make-up. Ang dali maka-relate 'di ba? Tinamaan yata ako run! Paano naman fresh na fresh pa yun sakit noh!

Pero as Christians, dapat we are a new creation in Christ eh. Instead of pride, there is humility. Pero, bakit nga ba mahirap tanggapin ng sorry niya? Siguro dahil mas naka-focus ako sa pain na nararamdaman ko. Siguro dahil galit ako; then what happens next? Wala lang. Hindi ko alam.

Tinanong niya ko last night kung ano pwede niyang gawin para mabawasan yun pain na nararamdaman ko. Sabi ko, hindi ko alam. Hindi ko talaga alam eh; nakatulog nga akong umiiyak. Hmm..sa isang banda, nakabuti rin yun sa physical condition ng mata ko kasi nawash-out na ata mga virus/bacteria ng tears ko..hehe..di na makati mata ko! 

Teka, going back, wala naman siguro talaga siyang pwedeng gawin para mabawasan yun pain eh, Nagsorry naman siya sa'kin; sana lang sincere siya sa sinabi niya. I mean, sana 'wag na lang niya ulitin sa iba (at sana lang mabasa rin niya ito). I may be that bratinela at times pero hindi naman ako ganun kasama para magalit sa kanya forever. And I may often act childlike pero hindi rin ako ganun ka-immature para maging bitter, sirain ang life ko or to just jump from one relationship to another. So Mich my dear friend need not worry about that; I can manage, promise. And I guess Mich was right when she told me before that love isn't enough to have a romantic relationship with someone. Yep he told me that love niya ko; what he meant by that love, I don't know. And yes, I did tell him what I feel pero ganun lang yun. 'Di ko na lang elaborate lahat and just keep that between us..bottomline, tama si Mich. Hindi lang naman kasi love ang kailangan to make that work. Hmmm..save ko na lang yun topic na yun for another entry kasi medyo pina-process pa ng utak ko.

Now about forgiveness (which is one of my main points when i started this post..shocks..see how this brain of mine functions? parang roller coaster!). I guess I learned something from the book Tuesdays with Morrie (thanks Abi!). Sabi sa book, "learn to detach. detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. on the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. that's how you are able to leave it." Yep, I cried a lot. Siyempre, masakit eh! (and am not ashamed of it). Then what's next? Tapos na. Although it still bugs me 'pag bigla ko naaalala, okay lang yun. At least feeling ko tao talaga ko at hindi robot! (hehehe..may mga nilalang kasi na ina-assume na robot ako eh pero save ko na lang din yun for another entry!). I am leaving that experience behind; but not the learning. I am leaving the pain; but not the treasure of friendship and the joy and warmth that it once brought to my life. Wala naman talaga siyang magagawa para mabawasan yun pain na naramdaman ko kasi ako lang ang pwedeng gumawa nun. And yes, i forgave him na. Bilis noh? power yun ni Lord! Pasaway lang ako madalas pero i have faith in HIM naman. Isa pa, mahirap yun maraming galit at sama ng loob na dinadala; mabigat yun tsaka dagdag problema lang!

And so, life goes on. Ayos na 'yun. Sabi nga eh, "all things work together for good to those who love the Lord." 

And to my ex-future-boyfriend, again am quoting from the book Tuesdays with Morrie: "the most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and let it come in. let it come in. we think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in, we'll become too soft. but a wise man named Levine said it right. he said, 'love is the only rational act'."  Face your problem man. You're never alone; it's just that you're shutting the door of your heart. I still believe you have it, in spite of everything. While trying to protect the people you love, you're bringing pain not only to them but to yourself. Remember, we are not bad, we just think that we are so we live it out..but hey, we're NOT! May you find the real courage to deal with baggage from your past so that people around you now and in the future may not be bothered by ghosts from the past. 

Farewell to a soldier

I couldn't bear to look at him lying in his coffin. The first and last person whom I've seen lying in a coffin was my Tita, and that was when I was five years old. I've always dreaded that day, for I always see that image whenever I close my eyes and I always get that creepy feeling. More than that, it reminds me that she's gone..forever. Since then, I don't want to look at people in their casket anymore. I want my last memory of them to be when they are still alive.

He died at 53 (put the blame on all those alcoholic drinks that he gulped every single day). He now lies at the Libingan ng mga Bayani. Farewell..to a person who's been with my family all my life. His whole family was there for us through all those rough times. They were there for me and my siblings during those years when our parents were gone. Thank you and farewell..you'll always remain as one of the heroes of my life.

Why Can't It Be?

You came along, unexpectedly

I was doing fine in my little world

Oh baby please don't get me wrong

'Cause I'm not complaining

But you see, you got my mind spinning

Why can't it be

Why can't it be the two of us?

Why can't we be lovers

Only friends?

You came along

At a wrong place, at a wrong time

Or was it me?

Baby I dream of you every minute

You're in my dreams

You're always in it

That's the only place I know

Where you could be mine

And I'm yours but only

Till I wake up

Why can't it be

Why can't it be the two of us?

Why can't we be lovers

Only friends?

You came along

At a wrong place, at a wrong time...

You came along

At a wrong place, at a wrong time

Or was it me?

That's the Way of the Word

every day is the same

same sorrow and pain

we laugh and we cry

we are low and then we get high

and then we look and we search and we seek 

to put the pieces of the puzzle together

doing our best to keep it altogether

going about our business

seldom thinking of one another

hey, that's not the only way

that's the way of the world

has there ever been a time when in your mind 

you just felt like giving up, wanting to surrender

you've been trying to find your way

hoping that tomorrow would be better

much better than today

you will find peace of mind 

if you look in the right place

you will find your way back home

if you look in the right place

you won't be lost out in the storm

there is a way, the only way

it will see you through today and tomorrow

just believe it in your heart

if you believe and see with your heart

and then you will know

who knows what may happen tomorrow

don't fear if you know who you follow

takes away your tears and your sorrows

never will He live you alone

in your heart is where He'll make His home

who knows what tomorrow may bring

fear not if you follow the King

He takes away your tears and your sorrows

we've come together on this special day

to sing our message loud and clear

looking back we've touched on sorrowful days

future pass, they disappear

Sometimes, life gets so complicated that you just wanna give up or leave everything.. Sometimes, people wonder and wander..knowing not what to do or where to go..
Sometimes, you’re searching for answers to questions that you couldn’t even ask..
Sometimes, sometimes turns to oftentimes which in turn becomes always..
During these moments…
Often, I just wanna lock myself up inside my room and cry alone..
Often, I couldn’t even afford to find time to do this..there are a lot of work to be done, there are a lot of steps to be taken just so you can go on living and helping other people live..
Often, you want to be with someone so dear that he can make you smile even when you are in the verge of crying..the sad thing is..
Often, that someone is not around..
Often, hymns like this help me to move on, to understand life and its intricacies, to face each day with a new hope and to accept the challenges that life has to offer..whatever happens, whoever brings it to me, whenever it hits me, wherever it may be..
In my future posts, I will let these hymns speak for my heart..

Be it unto me
According to your Word
According to your promises
I can stand secure
Carve upon my heart
The truth that sets me free
According to your Word O Lord
Be it unto me

You promised your word will deliver
Lord, we believe it's true
You promised us joy like a river
Lord we receive it from you
These things you have spoken
And you're bringing to pass
This world's disappearing
But your word will last

You promised to carry our sorrows
Lord, we believe it's true
You promised unending tomorrows
Lord we receive them from you
You'll be our Provider
In Your word it's revealed
By the strifes that You bore
Lord We have been healed

can't sleep

Miss ko na naman siya! Lagi na lang siya ang laman ng isip ko. Parang inip na inip na ko sa pagkikita namin ulit. Sabi niya sa akin nun Monday miss na niya ako, sabi ko nga miss ko na rin siya eh tapos sabi niya pag nakuha niya yun sweldo niya, treat niya ako. Hindi pa kaya niya nakukuha yun sweldo niya? O baka naman kinalimutan na naman niya na sinabi niya yun. Nalulungkot ako kapag sinasabi niya na magkikita kami tapos biglang hindi naman matutuloy. Feeling ko kasi pinapaasa lang niya ko at hindi naman niya pinahahalagahan yun mga sinasabi niya sa akin. Minsan gusto ko na nga sabihin sa kanya lahat-lahat ng nararamdaman ko, lahat ng sama ng loob ko sa kanya, lahat ng bagay about him na dahilan kung bakit nagugulo ang buhay ko ngayon. Kaya lang, hindi ko pa rin kaya. Natatakot akong tawanan lang niya at sabihing sorry hanggang friend lang ang tingin ko sa’yo. Hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko. Minsan naiisip ko na wala naman talaga kaming future, na wala siyang balak na magseryoso, na fb lang ang hanap niya at hindi gf kaya hindi ako dapat mag-ilusyon na magiging kami nga at magdedecide siya to settle down with one girl.

Nung huli kaming nagkita, hinawakan na naman niya ang kamay ko. Ang sarap ng feeling pag hinahaplos niya ko, sa kamay, sa braso, sa pisngi, sa baba ng lips..parang gusto ko na lang pumikit para mas maramdaman ko yun sensation. Parang sobrang gentle niya during those moments. Feeling ko matutunaw ako sa kakatitig niya sa akin then pag tinatanong ko kung bakit nya ako tinititigan ang sagot niya kasi namiss niya ko. Ilang ulit niya akong tinanong kung may problema ako kasi parang malungkot raw ako, sabi ko wala naman..paano ko sasabihin sa kanya na siya ang problema ko?! Parang hindi ko kaya. Natatakot kasi ako na tuluyan siyang mawala sa buhay ko kapag sinabi ko sa kanya lahat ito kaya hindi ko masabi. Kung pwede lang sana na lagi ko na lang siyang kasama..kaso hindi pwede. Ilang ulit niyang sinabi na huwag na lang akong umuwi..kung pwede lang sana, para makasama ko pa siya ng mas matagal! Kaso hindi pwede. Sabi niya uwi na lang ako sa kanila..tinanong ko siya kung ano naman gagawin namin pag di ako umuwi sagot niya magsama na lang kami..hindi ko naintindihan kung ano ibig niyang sabihin dun pero hindi ko na tinanong pa dahil kinabahan ako sa kung ano ang isasagot niya.

Habang nag-aabang kami ng masasakyan, inakbayan niya ako. Yun ang second time na inakbayan niya ako, nun unang ginawa niya yun, parang pabiro lang tapos inalis ko agad yun braso niya sa balikat ko. Pero nitong huli, hinayaan ko na lang siya. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, I-eenjoy ko na lang yun moment na yun. Ang sarap pala ng feeling. Ramdam ko yun bigat kasi chubby rin siya pero okay lang..mas masarap yun feeling ng warmth of being physically so close to him. Niyaya ko siya to walk a little kasi walang dumadaang sasakyan, nun una ayaw niya pero sumama rin. Lumipat siya sa kaliwa ko kasi dun yun danger side, umakbay ulit siya sa akin. Di ko alam kung paano nangyari pero napansin ko na lang na di na siya naka-akbay kasi magkahawak na yun kamay namin, yun tipong intertwined ang fingers namin. Ewan ko, siguro nahirapan siya umakbay sa akin kasi sa kaliwang side nakalagay ang bag ko. So holding hands while walking kami, tumawid kami sa other side ng kalsada para doon mag-abang ng masasakyan. Lumipat naman ulit siya sa right side ko and parang automatic na magkahawak ulit kami ng kamay. Noon lang ako gumanti at hinawakan din ang kamay niya. Nun mga nakaraan kasi, I just allow him to hold my hands pero parang wala lang akong reaction except that hindi ko inaalis yun kamay ko. Hindi ko alam kung napansin niya yun, pareho lang kaming walang imik. Dahil nasa right side ko na siya, mas magkalapit na kami dahil nga nasa kaliwang side ko yun bag ko. Narealize ko na lang na I was unconsciously pressing my body against his to the point na my right breast was pressed against his left arm. Bigla tuloy akong nahiya nun napansin ko yun, inisip ko kung naramdaman kaya niya yun or he was too drunk to notice o kaya normal na sa kanya yun. Medyo lumayo na lang ako kasi nga nahihiya ako. Hindi naman talaga ako sanay ng ganun at kahit sa age ko na ito, siya pa lang talaga yun guy na dumaan sa buhay ko. Finally, may dumaang sasakyan at sinakay na niya ako then we said goodbye na.

Habang nasa biyahe, iniisip ko yun mga pangyayari nun gabing yun. Ang sarap pala ng feeling nun sobrang magkalapit kayo ng taong mahal mo. Kung hindi lang nakakaiskandalo, niyapos ko na siya at hinalikan nun mga oras na yun! Kaya lang, nag-aalangan pa rin akong gawin. Natatakot kasi ako sa pwedeng mangyari. Feeling ko masyado akong naïve pagdating sa mga bagay na yun tapos siya naman, parang normal lang sa kanya yun to the extent na sinasabi pa niya sa akin na expert siya. Kaya natatakot ako to give in kasi alam ko na kung magawa ko man yun, it’s because I love him. I love him so much that I want to be intimate with him and commit myself to love and be intimate with no one else but him. Pero hindi ko alam kung anong halaga nun para sa kanya. Natatakot ako na baka para sa kanya wala lang yun o kaya ang aim lang naman niya is to score. Alam ko maraming lalaking ganun, and akala ko noon iba siya until nag-doubt ako dahil sa mga sinasabi niya sa akin in different instances. Inamin din niya sa akin some time ago na puro lang good time ang ginagawa niya kasi raw hindi pa siya ready sa mga seryosong relasyon dahil bata pa siya (the nerve! Eh limang taon kaya ang tanda niya sa akin?!). Kaya naisip ko na ff lang talaga ang gusto niya at hindi gf. Nalungkot ako noon kasi nasaktan ako..to the point na ilang ulit akong umiyak dahil feeling ko I was so stupid na minahal ko siya believing na iba siya sa mga bad guys tapos malalaman ko pa straight from him na ganun din pala siya. Naisip ko pa nun, baka naman sinasadya niyang sabihin sa akin yun para saktan ako pero di naman siya ganun..pero ano naman ang dahilan niya para gawin yun?

Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. What if next time we meet he tries to go further? I’d want to just let him do it and enjoy the moment, I long to feel his gentle touch, I love the way that he tease me and caress me..pero I’m afraid that I might loose control over the situation, lalo pa at in love ako sa kanya and at this point in my life sobrang intense ng sexual urge. I know that I’d feel devastated if I give myself to him then after that he’d just make me his ff dahil wala naman talaga siyang balak mag-commit. The memory of my first experience would always be of agony, to think that what I feel then was like I was slowly and passionately giving my whole self to a man whom I deeply love, hoping that he is feeling the same..then I’ll remember that during those moments, all that he was thinking was to release his tension and stress. That is so much of a humiliation.

I’ve long been tired and now I’m starting to get sick of all these crap of being in love with him. Minsan feeling ko I’m getting my time and my life wasted because of him. Minsan I just want to forget him. But every time that I try to, magpaparamdam na naman siyang bigla and because I miss him so much, I’ll start to be chum with him again. It’s starting to be a cycle and I want to get out of it. I’m so confused. I want myself out of it but I don’t want to..am sure gonna miss him so much. I can’t understand but it seems like there’s something that holds me back from totally connecting with him. I don’t know if the problem is with me or with him. Sometimes I feel that he is so emotionally unavailable. He almost always want to deal with whatever is bothering him all by himself. I want to help him you know..I really am concerned about him for I love him. But I don’t feel like he needs me. Perhaps he would find it very easy to throw me out of his life..but that would be hard for me..really hard.

I’m just throwing all of these into the web. I do not know if by any chance another poor soul is reading through these texts. It’s full of..I dunno what..I’m tired of crying. I just want to sleep..please..let me sleep.

Make It With You

Hey have you ever tried,
Really reaching out for the other side?
I may be climbing on rainbows
But, baby here goes.

Dreams they're for those who sleep,
Life is for us to keep,
And if you're wond'ring
What this song is leading to
I want to make it with you

I really think that we can make it girl.
No, you don't know me well,
In ev'ry little thing only time will tell,
If you believe the things that I do.
And we'll see it through.

Life can be short or long,
Love can be right or wrong,
And if I choose the one
I'd like to help me through,
I'd like to make it with you

I really think that we can make it girl.
Baby you know that
Dreams they're for those who sleep,
Life is for us to keep
And if I choose the one
I'd like to help me through,
I'd like to make it with you
I really think that we can make it girl.

Ang Aking Awitin

Bakit di ko maamin sa iyo
Ang tunay na awitin ng loob ko
Di ko nais mabuhay pa kung wala sa piling mo
Ngunit di ko pa rin maamin sa iyo

Di malaman ang sasabihin 'pag kaharap ka
Ngunit nililingon naman pag dumaraan na
O ang laking pagkakamali
Kung di niya malalaman
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

La la la la la la
La la la laLa la la la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

At kung ako'y lumipas at limot na
Ang awitin kong ito'y alaala ka
Awitin ng damdamin ko sa iyo maiiwan
Sa pagbulong ng hangin ng nakaraan
O sa pagbulong ng hangin ng nakaraan
La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
La la la la la la
La la la la
La la la la la la la la
Sa awitin kong ito ipadarama

Take A Look Inside My Heart

it isnt easy to show you what you mean to me
i'm not that kind with all the moves
the way i'm feeling goes beyond what you can see
i'm crazy 'bout you, crazy 'bout you

i haven't tried to impress you by the things i do
that isn't really how i am, hmmm..
i'd rather let my dreams be opened up to you
so you'll understand, you'll understand

take a look inside my heart and you'll see
i have so much love to give beLieve in me
take a Look inside my heart share my Love
take a Look in my heart... yeah...

nobody ever is perfect even if they try
there may be times i've let you down
but when i do i hope you'll turn my heart around
by reachin' inside, reachin' inside

take a look inside my heart and you'll see
i have so much love to give beLieve in me
take a Look inside my heart share my Love
take a Look in my heart...

i wanna promise you honestly i'll always care
that's what my Love has come here for
and every time i smiLe you know there's something more
i'm waiting to share, wanting to share

take a look inside my heart and you'll see
i have so much love to give beLieve in me
take a Look inside my heart share my Love
take a Look in my heart...

pagpanaw, paglimot, paalala at ala-ala

Ilang araw na akong abala..gigising ng maaga, pupunta sa city hall, maghihintay, makikipag-usap hanggang dumating ang oras ng paglisan. Pagdating sa patutunguhan, haharapin ang ilang oras ng kaba, nerbiyos, at ilang sandali ng saya. Uwian na! Gabi na..bukas sa city hall ulit..iikot na naman ang buhay.. Pag-uwi ko noong Miyerkules, pinagtiyagaan kong tapusin yun mga damit kong nilalabhan. Alam ko mayroong kakaiba sa likod-bahay namin noong gabing yon pero dahil siguro sa pagod at antok, hindi ko maisip kung ano yon; hanggang sa dumaan yun kapatid ko at sinabi sa akin, “patay na si Puppy.” “Huh? Bakit? Kailan? Paanong nangyari yun?” Lunes ng tanghali raw nun ilibing si Puppy. Mabuti na rin yun..hindi ko alam..hindi ko nakita.. Ni hindi ko na inalam kung saang bahagi ng bakuran nila inilibing si Puppy. Kaninang umaga naalala ko na naman siya habang nagwawalis ako sa likod-bahay. Wala na yun makulit na si Puppy na mahilig makipagharutan pero pagpinatulan ko naman kakaripas ng takbo. Mas madaling kalimutan yun mga bagay na wala na kaysa sa alam mong nariyan lang pero hindi pwedeng maging sa’yo. Parang item na out of stock at di sigurado kung kailan magkakaroon; upuan na reserved pero walang naka-upo; bagay na gusto mo pero sobrang mahal at di mo afford; o kaya teleponong activated pero busy. Pero minsan nakaka-asar kasi kung kailang okay ka na at medyo nakakalimutan mo na, biglang darating yun delivery van at makikita mong ibababa yun mga kahon nun item na gusto mo kung kailang nakasakay ka ng taxi; magkakaroon ng available seats kung kailang nakabili ka na sa kabila; 50% off kung kailang nakabili ka na ng iba; o kaya tumawag sa’yo yun tinatawagan mo kung kailang last two minutes na ng basketball game na pinanonood mo. Bakit yun mga bagay, pangyayari at tao na gusto ko na lang kalimutan, yun pa yun lagi kong naaalala at naiisip? Minsan tuloy, feeling ko blessing in disguise kapag marami akong trabahong dapat gawin kasi kahit papano napipilitan akong ialis muna yun sa isip ko. Pero just the same, pag napagod ako at gusto ko mag unwind muna, yun pa rin naiisip ko. Madalas tuloy naiisip ko na sana pwede kong piliin kung anu-anong moments lang sa buhay ko ang mananatili sa aking ala-ala. Kaya lang, sa totoong buhay, hindi naman ganun! Kainis, sana di na lang nagpaalala para di ko na lang naalala..kung kailan unti-unti ko na nakakalimutan tsaka magpaparamdam..now, back to square one! Hmmm..ayoko nito!

/May 27, 2006

Finally, naisipan ko na ituloy ang Easter Sunday blog ko. Sa mga gustong magreklamo sa mahahaba kong posts, sarilinin nyo na lang ang reklamo nyo! Blog ko ito, di gumawa kayo ng blog nyo!

Cyemps halos isang buwan na lumipas since that post kaya iba na naman ang takbo ng utak ko. Nag-umpisa na naman ang tag-ulan kaya eto, medyo senti mode na naman ako..hehe.. senti nga ako ngayon pero di naman usapang lablayp ang iniisip ko. Unang-una eh wala naman ako nun remember?! Basta, nagsasawa na ko sa pagiging lost pag dating sa usaping yan kaya mabuti pa eh hayaan na lang. Sa last part nun blog ko I mentioned something about changes.

Tulad ng pagpapalit ng panahon mula tag-araw tungo sa tag-ulan, nagbabago rin ang bilis at direksyon ng ihip ng hangin; at di rin papahuli takbo ng utak ko. Nakakasawa rin naman kung pare-pareho na lang iniisip ko, sayang naman ang utak ko! hehe.. Dumating ang siguro ulit yun point na nagsasawa na ko sa takbo ng buhay buhay at gusto ko ng iba naman. I just wanna let go of all those hang-ups, yun pain, yun sama ng loob, yun asar..lahat-lahat.. and move on. Tadan! Nampato, naiiyak na ko! Sa bagay, healthy ito para sa aking mga mata..tagal na ko di naiiyak eh!

Naalala ko nun nag-aaral pa ako, ito rin yun season na naghahanda ako sa lahat ng pagbabago and literally, maraming bago sa buhay ko. Bagong gamit sa school, bagong classmates, teachers (school rin nun mag h.s. and college).. ito rin yun season na hinahanap ko yun mga bagay na naisantabi ko dahil feeling ko di ko muna kailangan o kaya dahil sobrang pre-occupied ako sa ibang bagay. Nagsusukat ng uniform at school shoes dahil baka hindi na kasya, sinusubukan kung pwede pa gamitin ang school bag at kung anu-ano pa. Eh hindi naman kasi ako rich kid na every start ng school year bago lahat ng gamit, nasanay lang ako na kung pwede pa naman gamitin yun dati eh ayos na yun!

Parang wala na naman flow ang mga sinusulat ko rito..mas mabilis kasi takbo ng utak ko kesa sa mga daliri ko! Tulog na nga lang muna ko..sarap matulog ngayon, umuulan na naman!!

Easter Sunday na naman..although mas naiisip ata ng mga tao ngayon ang Easter Egg kaysa sa muling pagkabuhay ng Messiah. Wala naman halos kinalaman sa Lenten Season ang iniisip ko, nagkataon lang na Lenten ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung matatawa ko o maaasar sa mga kaibigan ko. Kausap ko yun isa nun isang araw sa phone, pinipilit ako magkwento kung ano ginawa ko nun Wednesday (oist, kung sakaling binabasa mo ‘to alam mo naman na ikaw ito di ba?!). Nakakapagtaka lang, lahat sila halos iisa ang tanong sa akin: “kayo na ba?” sabay tingin ng may laman at yun iba nakapamewang pa o kaya naman sabay hirit ng “uuy, dalaga na siya!” (Haler, para namang dati eh binata ako!) Madalas tuloy ayaw ko nang sabihin sa kanila kung bakit hindi ako sumasabay sa kanila pauwi o kaya bakit hindi ko nasasagot ang text/call nila sa cellphone ko (haaay…kailangan ko talagang mag-explain!). Feeling ko nga pinagkalooban ako ng sangkatutak na nanay/guardian! Kahit di ko sabihin sa kanila kung saan ako pupunta, para silang may mga radar at iisa lang ang iniisip nila! Basta, lagi silang ganun, di lang this time. Di ko alam if it has something to do with being the youngest sa kanila..eh hello noh, yun iba naman sa kanila ilang araw lang ang tanda saken! Hehe.. kidding aside, alam ko naman na curious lang sila pero nakakatawa lang kasi lahat ata ng circle of friends ko ganun! Anyway, meron pa silang ibang mga tanong tulad ng: “mahal mo ba?” “ano nagustuhan mo sa kanya?” at eto yun pamatay na tanong: “nag-kiss na kayo?!” (muntik ko na maibuga sa kanya yun softdrinks na iniinom ko!).

Nakakainis lang kasi hindi ko naman alam sagutin ang mga tanong nila! “Kayo na ba?” eh paano ba magiging kami? “mahal mo ba? ano nagustuhan mo sa kanya?” eh kailangan ba ng explanation nun? “nag-kiss na kayo?” bakit, kami na ba? Oh di ba, umikot lang ang tanong!

Pag sinabihan ko naman sila ng “ihanap mo na lang kaya ako ng date!” Sasagutin ako ng “ano ka, eh di uunahin ko na sarili ko noh!” har..har..har.. Meron naman isa, kahit may nanliligaw yun long-time fantasy pa rin niya ang nasa puso at isipan! (kung sa bagay, kahit ako yun di ko rin papatulan yun nanliligaw sa kanya paano naman kasi may asawa na noh! Ngyek.. ayoko ng may sabit!). Yun mga older batch sa akin, feeling left-out naman ng mga college friends nila dahil lagi na lang silang bridesmaid o kaya wedding coordinator. Hehe..at least di ko naman napi-feel yun, di naman kasi ko mahilig magpunta sa kasalan (kaya nga namumroblema ko sa pag-ayos ng program ng wedding reception ni Kat next Sunday!). Hehe..sabi ko nga kay Mich, eh malay ko ba sa mga relationships na yan eh late bloomer ako eh!

Pero iniisip ko naman kasi, bakit ba kailangan ng boyfriend? Hindi ko naman kinailangan yun nun nag-aaral pa ko tsaka nun early 20s. hmm..kelan lang ba ko nagka-interes sa mga male species? Wala pa ata sa 1/5 ng time na nabubuhay ako. Is it to have someone to talk with or someone na sasamahan ako kapag gusto ko pumunta kahit saan? Ganun din naman yun mga friends ko eh, nakaka-usap at gumagala rin kami ng magkakasama. Hindi ko rin naman kailangan ng boyfriend para may manlibre sa akin—kaya ko naman bumili ng pagkain ko, magbayad ng sine o concert at gumastos ng pera ko para magbakasyon. Sanay rin naman ako magbitbit ng gamit ko at umuwi mag-isa. Ang babaw naman nun kung yun lang ang dahilan kung bakit kailangan ng boyfriend! Bakit kailangan ng reason para magmahal ng tao? Bakit kailangan may criteria sa paghahanap ng boyfriend? Para naman yun essay type exams o kaya contest! I think more important than looking for someone who would fit a certain criteria is trying to know someone beyond what is superficial and learning to accept that person no matter what. Hindi naman sa nagpapaka-idealistic ako pero yun talaga ang reality eh. Mas importante yun kaya mong tanggapin yun character, principles at values ng isang tao. Bluntly speaking, kung looks lang ang problema mo, ipikit mo na lang mata mo o kaya dalhin mo kay Dr. Calayan o Vicky Bello! Pero yun character, prinsipyo at values ng isang tao, kahit pagbali-baligtarin mo man ang mundo at ang mata mo, ganun na yun. Paano kung mukha ngang prinsipe yun guy pero sama naman ng ugali o kaya walang sariling paninindigan? Ewan ko sa iba pero ako, di ko yun matatagalan!

I’ll admit, I once fell into the pitfalls of having a picture of an ideal man; or perhaps it’s better to say a description of a guy whom I will never like kasi yun mga ayaw ko naman ang naiisip ko noon. I’d always say na ayaw ko ng smoker, naka-hikaw, manginginom, tsaka may tattoo sa katawan, mga hindi nagsusuot ng socks kapag naka pants and shoes at mga bum. I prefer yun mga neat guys, with perfectly trimmed hair, at least my height (if not taller – ayoko rin ng sobrang tall!), tsaka gentle in every way. Minsan tuloy sabi nun isang friend ko, “di kaya bading ang hinahanap mo?!” Hehehe.. Seriously, hindi naman na ko ganun ngayon (yep, nagmamature rin ako kahit papano!). Siguro influence na rin ng mga nakikita at alam kong nangyayari sa ibang tao when it comes to relationships, tsaka more important than that, because of a person whom I came to know sometime ago. Bahagi lang yun ng changes – meron na rin akong previous post about changes kung saan I quoted a person whom I admire so much when he said that nothing is permanent in this world except change. (am sleepy na..tsaka ko na lang itutuloy ito!)